we hear that...

Crisis special

debt's all folks

"It's all very well for you talk about a mounting crisis regarding the financial situation at the Death Star Mr. Earwig", I hear you say, "But just exactly how much debt are Rangers in?"

It's easy to see where the confusion's coming from. A recent perusal of the chip wrappers would have turned up the following estimates (among others): £50 million (News of the Screws August 10th); £60 million (Alan Davidson in the Evening Times, july 30th); £62 million (Paul Forsyth in Scotland on Sunday, August 3rd); £80 million (Ewing Grahame in the Herald, August 18th). That's a difference of £30 million, or nearly three Tore Andre Flos.

The 2002 Ibrox accounts, due in at Companies House on April 30th this year, are a wee bit late. Something to do with leaves on the line or the wrong type of snow perhaps? Anyway, we hear that the alarm bells are ringing down HBOS way because this situation would appear to indicate that the financial predicament facing what is generally being referred to these days as "The cash-strapped Ibrox club" is actually much worse than widely supposed. No doubt the bad news will eventually have to come out, but as a sneak preview, don't be too surprised if Ewing Grahame has won the sweep for guessing how money the Death Star owes the bank.

Not surprisingly, we hear that the bank manager isn't too keen on lending them any more. Nevertheless, it appears that John McLelland and the rest of the directors who aren't David Murray, have come up with a cunning plan, much to the relief of anybody reading this who might be concerned that Rangers could possibly go four legs to the ceiling shortly.

The sensible thing to do, it seems, would be to get rid of Ricksen and Arteta. Unfortunately for the bank - waiting in the wings to grab the money - they Huns think they'll get £6 million for the aforementioned.

Failing that the players could, of course, be offered a slight drop in wages. Take Mols for example. There he was last season lighting his cigars with £50 notes. This season it's rumoured he's having to struggle by on a paltry three grand a week.

I shudder to think what Pierre van Hooijdonk would make of it all.

easy payment plan

Speaking of Ricksen - who earns something in the region of £12,500 a week - he will be given the chance to clear his huge council tax debts with an easy repayment plan. He owes £6,000 in unpaid tax (£2,127 per year) and East Renfrewshire council is taking him to court to recover it. The council gives non-payers the opportunity to pay back a little at a time. An insider said, "I've heard of residents being allowed to clear this kind of debt at £1 per week."

This latest blow to Ricksen comes after his wife ditched him. He is also a shite footballer playing with a debt ridden team.

can we hack it?

Despite the looming crisis, at least the Huns can count on the support of the hacks. The season hadn't even started before the Laptop Loyal were honing their skills in defending all things Hunnish.

Celtic crashed to Manchester United pre-season, but Rangers suffered an even more embarrassing defeat in their build-up to the big kick-off, 2:1 to Jahn Regensburg. Both games only friendlies so no need for either club to panic, but just who are Jahn Regensburg?

According to Darryl Broadfoot of the Herald, they were "a reputable Bundesliga second division club at a more advanced level of fitness". From that you may think that they were unluckily relegated from the Bundesliga last season, or that they are a big club temporarily down on their luck. In fact, they have only just joined the second division, having been promoted from the Regionalliga Sud last season, in second place behind the mighty SpVgg Unterhaching, and ahead of such luminaries as FC Augsburg, Bayern Munich Amateurs and TSG Hoffenheim. Their best-ever finish at this second level came in 1976. They were fourteenth. They have never played in the Bundesliga proper. What was that about having a good reputation again Darryl?

By the way, in case you were wondering, the winning goal was simply the result of "a momentary lapse in concentration".

Of course.

christian to the bears

We hear that Christian Nerlinger was out and about drinking (quite heavily by the looks of it) in the South Side of Glasgow towards the end of last season. He was in a bar in Pollokshaws Rd where he asked the barmaid to turn the TV up a bit so he could watch the Tic versus Boavista (away leg). He was cheering on the Hoops and let out an almighty yell when Larsson scored. A couple of guys standing nearby failed to recognise him - probably due to a lack of first team apperances - and called him a "fenian bastard."

It must surely be a matter of time before he becomes "troubled".

high nuno

So Alex McLeish has fired a warning shot at Rangers new boy Nuno Capucho. Big Eck is not happy that his Bosman signing who continues to toil in training. It appears the Cat has lost patience with his elderly Portuguese superstar who has only played 45 competitive minutes in the fantastic 1:1 draw with Euro giants FC Copenhagen. He has been ordered to increase his efforts as Eck doesn't think he is as fit as he should be.

Good on ye and keep it up Capo. Take the money and don't bother yir arse son!

and finally esther...

I've read somewhere that due to the financial crisis within Rangers that the players are having to give up their Porsche's, Mercs and other posh motors for Hondas De Boer was seen picking a blue Honda Civic, Ricksen was seen picking a yellow Honda Accord and Ferguson was seen choosing a red Honda Ulster.

Ach, please yerselves.

Toodloo the Noo

EARWIG

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