we hear that...

saint Lorenzo

The beatification of Saint Lorenzo of Kinning Park by the staff at the Sunday Mason was going so well there for a minute. First we had Lorna Hughes and a photographer following the big man about as he endeavoured to bring solace to the beleaguered village of San Guiliano (January 19th) only to be turned away at gunpoint by the local cops - obviously unaware that Lorenzo is giving the villagers the proceeds of his autobiography, 'LA Confidential: coming soon to your local branch of Bargain Books'.

This resulted in a two page spread filled with some of the most spine-twistingly embarrassing sycophancy seen in print since the last time Chic Young interviewed David Murray.

The Mason followed this up with another puff for the Mother Theresa-like Lorenzo in its February 16th edition. This time Julia Hunt and a photographer followed him to a Glasgow school where he was going about another of his everyday tasks - ridding the city of sectarianism. 'I think it's a great thing kids get taught early on that Protestants and Catholics are just people who have different thoughts about religion,' said LA, displaying the wisdom of Solomon. 'Kids should be educated together so everyone can be friends...' he went on.

Alas, a mere week later and the big chap is all over the back page of the same paper, accused of gobbing on Ayr United's James Grady. Thankfully Lorenzo was able to call on his infinite store of saintly tolerance: 'He's a crazy Celtic fan... If I want to spit on somebody I'll spit in their face.'

It's enough to make you want to turn the half-time bottle of Evian into Bailley's isn't it?

Still, when Lorenzo says he didn't actually mean to spit on Grady but was simply clearing his throat because he had a cold and just happened to be looking in the direction of his opponent when he did it... and anyway, Grady was calling him names, I believe him. After all, Lorenzo has a track record of always telling the truth. All you have to do is think back to the Victor Ikpeba incident when LA was accused of calling opponent a 'black bastard'. Although at first he denied that he ever said this, when shown the film of himself uttering these very words he did tell the truth ... eventually.

By the way, Lorenzo's agent is a liar as well. And if you don't believe me, just ask Sir Bobby Robson.

success on a plate

It hasn't all been bad news for Lorenzo though. Along with some of his team mates he was recently asked to paint a plate for Rotary Watches so that they could be turned into clocks and offered for auction to raise money for charity. I'm no psychiatrist (I merely dabble) but I think Lorenzo's abstract design resembles a giant saliva gland hovering above a big mouth. I'm open to suggestions from readers as well, though.

broken dreams: vanity, greed and the souring of british football

The above is the title of a new book by investigative journalist Tom Bower. You might have heard of it. Loads of the hacks nearly creamed their pants recently when Bower alleged that Martin O'Neill agreed to take the Leeds job last summer but changed his mind at the last minute and agreed to stay at Parkhead.

This very small part of the book was given quite a high profile this side of the border, but since the book's publication little else has been said. A pity, because according to Gabriele Marcotti's column in the Sunday Herald (February 16th) there's another wee story in there which might be worth investigating.

On the subject of football's bung culture and the role of agents in transfers, Marcotti writes: 'Another figure who appears to have had a disproportionate amount of control over British football is (Dennis) Roach. He is a peculiar animal in that he has very few clients, the most notable being Tottenham manager Glenn Hoddle. Yet he has been involved in countless transfers over the last few years, involving clubs such as Rangers, Sunderland, West Ham, Everton and Spurs... Roach's modus operandi is to insert himself in transfer dealings and negotiate sizeable commissions for himself... Roach is innocent until proven guilty, of course, but why would massive clubs like Rangers want to deal with a figure like Roach?'

Instead of dwelling on the Martin O'Neill non-story, it's a question which Keevins, Jacksie, Traynor et al might want to look into and see if they can provide some answers perhaps?

TOODLOO THE NOO
The Earwig

back to top