we hear that...

thugs, thieves and hacks

Not having a strong enough constitution to sit through Daily Record hack James Traynor's ghastly phone-in show on radio Scotland, I have to rely on my ever faithful readers (you mean 'reader' - ed) to keep me informed about what is going through the Great man's noggin these days. I'm told that a few weeks ago a caller phoned in to have a wee rant about violence at football matches. Those involved should have their pictures printed in the local press and be identified, said Mr. Angry from Eastwood. Traynor scoffed at the very idea, claiming that accusing someone of an offence they hadn't been charged with was unfair and possibly even illegal. The caller followed up by asking Traynor why, if this were the case, had his newspaper printed pictures of Celtic revellers Johan Mjallby, Joos Valgaeren and Bobby Petta, alongside the headline 'Thugs and Thieves'. Unfortunately I am still, as yet, unaware of Fatty's reply. I'm sure it was full of pith nonetheless.

LA blaw
As if this wasn't hard enough to stomach, pages 20 and 21 of the Sunday Mail (January 19th) are taken up with an exclusive from somebody called Lorna Hughes. Reporting from the Italian village of San Guiliano, recently devastated by an earthquake, she follows in the emotional footsteps of big LA Blaw as he does his bit to help out in his own modest unassuming and very private way - accompanied only by his thoughts, a reporter from the Mail and a photographer. Lorenzo is pictured next to ruined buildings (with captions like 'Moved to tears') and 'jumpy' guards, while Lorna's text must surely put her in the frame for a Pulitzer Prize: 'Through the dust and rubble, football hero Lorenzo Amoruso walks the ruined main street of San Guiliano di Puglia... determined to do all in his power to help , the Rangers heart-throb visited the hilltop village to pledge £30,000 to an appeal fund.' Wow, Keith Jacksie eat your heart out. More cringing sycophancy like this from Ms. Hughes and she must surely earn the Mail's ultimate accolade - the chance to probe David Murray over lunch.

Before you run away with the idea that big LA - Kinning Park's very own Mother Theresa - is actually donating a whole two weeks' wages, it turns out the he is in fact, 'Donating the proceeds of his best-selling autobiography LA Confidentia'l, coming soon to your local branch of Bargain Books. Lorna gushes on 'The village is so dangerous the Rangers star was one of the few people allowed inside the rescue cordon ... But a few minutes later the uneasy peace was shattered by police... They ordered us back to our cars but within seconds, lost patience and produced their guns.' Maybe the pistols were drawn by cops who have read 'LA Confidential' and recognised the author? Anyway, bet the big chap needed a large Bailley's after that eh?

Eyal not be going, thanks all the same
Remember Eyal Berkovic? (No, who he? ed) We hear that he was called up for Israel's friendly against Macedonia in December, a fixture that surely any international player would be bursting several guts to turn out in. Alas, according to the Jewish Chronicle, our erstwhile midfield magician had to decline his country's call-up, claiming that he had recently developed a Dennis Bergkamp-style phobia about flying. Unlike Dennis, however, Eyal was prepared to travel 'in business class on a large passenger jet' . . .

where are they now?
News of another ex-Celt now earning a crust darn sarf. Dmitri Kharine, signed for a small fortune by John Barnes and destined to be an almost permanent fixture in the Parkhead treatment room, is now turning out (doubtless still in his trademark trackie trousers) for Hornchurch in the Essex League. We hear that Dmitri, who, as Ezra Pound might have said, 'slipped by like a field mouse - not shaking the grass', during his Celtic 'career' caused quite a stir on his debut for the Horn (or whatever their nickname happens to be). Against Berkhampstead Town the bold Kharine was shown the red card in the second half of a pulsating encounter (it says here) for headbutting the Berks striker!

lovencrap film
The Peter Lovenkrands video 'You've Lost That Loven Feeling' will not, I suspect, be high on the Christmas wants list of too many of my devoted readers (you mean reader - ed) but it was interesting nonetheless to read the sales pitch aimed at flogging this to gullible Huns desperate for something intellectually stimulating to goggle at during the festive season. In an attempt to bum this dosser into something approaching a deity, you can revel in his passion for fashion and relive his 'top 10 goals in a Rangers shirt.' Which amounts to just about all of his goals in a Rangers shirt, since his total scored when this video came out amounted to a whopping 14. The Golden Boot seems set to elude him once again.

what's in a name? We hear that the CEO of Swiss industrial chemical giant Roche is a chap who revels in the name of Hunzicker. As in, 'Hunz, aren'tcha zick of 'em', perhaps? Ach, please yourself.

Toodloo the noo,
THE EARWIG

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