we hear that...

LA blaw

Lorenzo Amoruso featured extensively in the papers last month, but not in the sports pages. The quiet man of Scottish football whose feet are either taking free kicks that threaten to rearrange the facial features of row Z patrons of the Copland Road Stand (would that that were possible eh?) or else firmly wedged between his own teeth, has been letting off in public, and the results are as hilarious as his shooting.

'Gorgeous Playboy model Viki Neil purred with pleasure as randy Rangers ace Lorenzo Amoruso ran his hands over her 32DD curves', revealed Rachel Richardson in another exclusive in the News of the Screws. Viki went on to disclose that 'Lorenzo is very well endowed' - which proves that he doesn't just play like a donkey - and, 'He kept cupping my breasts and telling me over and over how amazing they were', possibly the only cups the big man will get his mits on this season.

'I haven't grabbed such a pair of tits since the last time I shook hands with our forward line', Lorenzo didn't say.

Meanwhile the Sunday Mason has been serialising Amadiddy's book, 'LA Confidential' ('The most explosive book ever written by a player in Scottish football'), and one of the themes underpinning LA's magnum opus appears to be pish; Gazza pishing all over Erik B.O. Anderson during a training session; Gazza pishing his own trousers after Walter Smith accused him of being on the pish for a fortnight; and even LA Confidential himself confessing that he took to the pish in a big way while he was injured and had a lot of time on his hands, much of which was spent on the booze with his wee pal Rino Gattuso (himself a pretty pish player while at Ibrox).

Nothing unusual about that, you might be thinking. Lots of genius players like big Confidential have been notorious drinkers. Yes, but how many of them chose to get out of their nuts on Bailley's Irish Cream?

Aside from the embarrassment of admitting that your favourite tipple was Bailley's, one can only wonder at how many times Confidential spewed his load while shifting gallons of the sickly stuff before managing to achieve the Nirvana of a drunken stupor.

Still, at least his penchant for Irish liqueurs goes some way to explaining some of his performances against Celtic. It might also be the tough guy pose on the front cover; 'Hey, barman. Gimme a Bailley's... nothing in it! (looks round to see stunned reaction of the other drinkers as upright piano stops playing).

Whatever happens, the Huns would do well to keep him away from the wine gums in future.

A Tit (surely at it? ed) (no, a tit - Earwig)

RANGERS star Fernando Ricksen was 'at it' when he told police he needed an interpreter before taking a drink-drive breath-test, a police sergeant testified in court at the trial of Regina versus Ricksen in Paisley Sheriff Court.

The Court was told how two officers had gone chez Ricksen in the early hours of the morning on Christmas Day 2000 to investigate an incident in which a vehicle collided with a lamp post. They were apparently invited in by Ricksen, but a confrontation occurred when his wife followed him into a bedroom as he went to change into outdoor clothes before being taken to Govan police station. God knows why, since Govan police station is indoors - at least it was the last time I had to spend the night there.

Anyway, according to reporters, acting sergeant James McAndrew told the court: 'I opened the door and told her he was in my custody. Mr. Ricksen swore at me when we warned her about her conduct. He seemed to become agitated and called us "f****** b*******". He came over towards me and, with his face in front of mine, called us pr****." (I don't know what the missing words are either but I shudder to think)

Sergeant George Gilpin told the court how, once Ricksen was taken to Govan police station, he 'understood perfectly' what was taking place. It was only when he was taken for a breath-test that he suddenly wanted an interpreter. Sgt. Gilpin said: 'I didn't believe him. It was purely a delaying tactic as far as I was concerned.'

When he was told, after 20 minutes, that no interpreter could be located, Ricksen 'eventually agreed that he could speak English again'.

'I was convinced he was at it,' the officer said. 'He very eloquently told me that he understood what was being said. "Yes, yes", he said, "get on with it".'

Defence agent Jim Peacock asked Inspector Peter McCarroll, who had been on duty at Govan police station on the morning Ricksen was brought in, if he had known who he was. The lawyer asked: 'You are only a stone's throw from Ibrox, yet you had no idea who this person was?'

Sheriff Bill Dunlop interjected: 'Mr. Peacock, this is not A Question of Sport.'

If Michael Ball or Christian Nerlinger ever share the same fate as Fernando poor McCarroll's got no chance!

kangaroo court

Mark Viduka. Now there's a name to conjure with. Remembered fondly recently as the player who chucked his boots at John Barnes and refused to play the second half against Caley Thistle in that infamous cup tie, there's another side to him that shouldn't be forgotten either, apart from this chickenshit attitude.

It seems that Allan McDonald had little, if any, time for Viduka either. Apparently, the day after Henke broke his leg Viduka called on MacDonald after training. The player allegedly asked for a 20% wage rise as he thought because Larsson was out he would have to work harder (presumably 20% harder). He couldn't see what he was walking into, suggesting he was not giving his all at that time if he could do better. Five minutes later another player called on MacDonald asking for same deal. This player agreed to go away and think about it. Next day he called and withdrew his request saying it was badly thought out.

Viduka didn't withdraw his claim which was not met.

Mercenary is one of the few printable words that come to mind when name Viduka is mentioned to me.

Toodloo the noo

EARWIG
THE EARWIG

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