we hear that...

Anybody go to the Christmas exhibition at the Tate Gallery in London last December? If you didn’t, you missed a show of 30 Christmas cards produced by some of the country’s, er, “leading artists”. Prominent among the cards was one by Grayson Perry, featuring him and his family dressed in Rangers jerseys and eating Christmas dinner in McDonald’s.

Nothing too surreal about that, as it looks like a pretty ordinary scene chez Mr. and Mrs. Averagehun. Perry’s wife (seen in the middle of the picture sporting a suitably lugubrious expression and stuffing a handful of indigestible carbohydrate stodge into her face while dribbling ketchup down the front of her Rangers top - who says method acting isn’t convincing?) is a psychotherapist (no shortage of homers I wouldn’t have thought) and explained the choice of team: “We bought the football shirts especially for the photograph. They were the cheapest, most reduced priced kit at JJB Sports.”

If the name is ringing a bell somewhere it’s probably because you might remember Perry as the transvestite potter who won the Turner Prize a few years ago and turned up to receive his award dressed like this:

The thought of wearing a Rangers strip for the previous picture is clearly an embarrassment too far for the bold Grayson.

Speaking of embarrassments, it’s nice to see that the Sinister Minister, known to the Hunday Mail as, “scandal referee Mike McCurry”, has reinvented himself as a magician and escapologist.

According to Euan Hamilton, now that he can no longer conjour up yellow cards for Celtic players and make penalties for Rangers appear from nowhere before our very eyes, “The ex-whistler has put the disappointment of being axed as one of the SFA’s top men in black behind him to win bookings with his magic act.... The 45-year-old Baptist pastor (Is that rhyming slang? Ed) has already made a splash in the world of magic and boasts an award winning cabaret act... McCurry is known as Scotland’s answer to Houdini.”

Was Houdini an arsehole as well?

“He is noted for his skill with silk handkerchiefs, can multiply coins in his hands and is renowned for his gambling routines. The pastor has even been known to use his magic tricks during sermons at Mosspark Baptist Church in Glasgow.” Pulling a goat out of a top hat perhaps? Waving his wand in the car park?

Inspired by the Reverend Mike “Nice Goal Nacho” McCurry, I am pleased to announce that I myself am about to launch my own career as an alternative magician. Unlike stage charlatans, I will be using a real saw and will not be doing any illusions with smoke and mirrors. When I saw you in half you’ll stay sawn in half... until your internal organs spill out and you bleed to death. All I need is a volunteer from the audience. Gentleman there in the front row with the dog collar, sitting beside the attractive Sunday school teacher... Reverend McCurry is it?

I wonder if scandal referee the Reverend Mike “Nice Goal Nacho” McCurry is currently contemplating taking action against Lloyds TSB in support of his beloved Glasgow Rangers. It must make his quintessentially British heart swell with pride to know that there are still some Bears out there who have the bulldog spirit about them, along with the looks and the smell to match.

An online petition has been organised. I’ll give you a wee minute to put some Last Night of the Proms style music on the juke box. Then you can settle down and read this:

To: Lloyds Banking Group

We, loyal supporters of The Rangers Football Club, express our dismay at the apparent lack of support given by the Lloyds Banking Group to our Club. We appeal to your commercial good sense (to the extent that such still exists within your discredited, 43\% state-owned company) to continue to provide Rangers with the necessary facilities to ensure our success. We will have no hesitation in calling for a nationwide boycott of all your brands should such support be withdrawn.

Petitioners are invited to leave comments beside their names, although after getting to comment 32 I was beginning to think that some people weren’t taking the plight of the ‘The Rangers Football Club’ as seriously as certain other ‘loyal supporters’:

32. Royal Bank
Cannot wait for all this new business to come well done Lloyds

Further reading confirmed my suspicions, as this selection will testify:

102. William McWilliam
Me and my mum/wife will be closing our accounts cause you are big bad people trying to hurt the bestest football club in the world.

96. Billy Dontbeahero
Haw Lloyds stick yer money us bers don’t want it cause no whit weer gonny dae, see when our casino is built all us loyal fans are gonnae get the gither and half ay us ur puttin aw whur money oan red an the ither half are puttin it oan black an when we win we’ll be minted and we’ll win europe again an yoos will be bealin ciz yiz ar prolly all taigs anyway. WATP

87. Crawford William Finlay Boyne It would be the dignified thing to do.

81. R. Sole Me, My sister/mother (same person) wish to make a stand against Lloyds Banking (yes, spelt correctly). We feel that as the only quintessential British Club in Scotland, the institution of “The Rangers” should be given more support from the bank. We believe that Sur Davie Murray is doing a great job and the bank should just leave us be. We are the Rangers - That should be enough for the bank to write off the debt on that basis alone!

76. Basketball Billy
If you don’t give the gers more free money, I’ll move my overdraft and defaulted loans to some other bank. Get your fingers out.

72. McFly
Is this the same Lloyd from Back to the Future? Always thought you were a great actor. Help ra bears!!

152. Alexander Goat-Shagger Esq.
I dragged myself away from the goat pen to sign this petition, such is my fury. If Rangers die I will just have to buy more expensive wine to seduce a better class of goat.

136. Big Bear suckmebollocks
Ma giro is gettin cashed elsewhere

182. Billy McWilliam
A don’t hiv a bank account, bit see if a did, it will no be wi yous, no surrender

919. Ian Renfrew
It’s a disgrace the way the HBOS board have treated Rangers. It’s not just football that’s being attacked, it’s our whole proud traditions. If they think we will take this sitting down they couldn’t be more wronger. We will put our money where ours mouths are and walk.

Actually, I think comment 919 was for real!
Toodloo the noo
THE EARWIG

 

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