we hear that...

the timsons
Notwithstanding the fact that my columns in this blatt are becoming rarer than sightings of Kris Boyd on an exercise bike, you might recall that in one of my previous offerings I was commiserating with the Rangers Supporters Trust and their raging fury at hearing their beloved club traduced on no less a TV programme than Coronation Street.

Porridge, The Sweeney... They’ve all had a go at one time or another. Imagine their jaws dropping to their King Billy rugs, then, as they tuned into the Simpsons on March 17th for some much-needed respite from dire performances from Wattie’s Warriors and the unpalatable sound of St. Patrick’s Day revellers, only to see Bart and Homer buying a pub in Ireland resplendent with a Celtic crest on the wall and complete with customers bedecked in the Hoops.

Bart even writes a note saying: “Next time, visit Scotland”.

If that’s not worth a picket line outside Rupert Murdoch’s Sky headquarters demanding parity of esteem for Bluenoses I don’t know what is.

Come to think of it, though, aren’t they already well represented on the show? Nelson Muntz must be a Rangers man, along with Snake and Sideshow Billy. Watch out for a coming episode where Chief Wiggum batters their doors down at three in the morning and carts them off to Manchester for questioning.

Best to stick to the newspapers for some good news, although that isn’t my medium of choice for keeping the blood pressure down. Unreconstructed paranoiac that I am, I harbour suspicions that the laptop Loyal are for ever on the lookout for stories that portray Celtic FC in a negative light. I know, I know... I’m receiving treatment even as I type this up.

It was with some interest, therefore, that I read this cautionary tale from the Telegraph’s diary column on the subject of hacks eager to chase up anti-Celtic leads: “One gentleman of the Scottish football press, who shall not be identified, was this week tipped off by a contact that phone camera footage had emerged from the Celtic dressing room of the recent punch-up between Artur Boruc and Aiden McGeady and could be found on a certain website.

The journo involved promptly passed this info to a substantial number of colleagues, most of whom went straight online to witness the fun. They certainly got full-blooded man-on-man action, but in the form of extremely graphic gay male porn.

To make matters worse, the download had a viral element that kept it on screen, despite frantic efforts to erase it. Nor could the desperate scribes turn to their IT departments for help as accessing porno sites is an office no-no.

Which is why the editorial floors of several newspapers were treated to the sight of football writers frantically scrabbling under their desks to disconnect power and communication cables from their PCs before colleagues could leap to wholly erroneous conclusions.’

It was reminiscent of a story which appeared on the Randalstown CSC website recently.

A few weeks ago one of their members contacted the Daily Rectum with the offer of a very tasty exclusive. The offer was made by means of an e-mail which went along the lines of: “Hi, I am writing to inquire whether your paper would be interested in a video which has a Celtic player and an ex-Celtic player in the middle of Glasgow singing a rebel song. Both players can be seen but it is more evident that the ex-player is certainly singing along to it which happens after 0.59 seconds approx.. Both players are very high profile and I think one is from an Irish background.”

The Record got back within about three minutes with:
“That sounds interesting. Any more details?
Record newsdesk.”

The reply was, “Hi, The picture is very clear and both players are instantly identifiable. You see the current Celtic player after about half a minute and as I said the former player after about 1 minute. I am at present waiting to hear back from other parties. There is another Celtic player in the piece but he does not appear to be singing.”

Within two minutes the newshounds were back on the line: “Ok. How do we get a look at the video? It’s unfortunate that we don’t have it exclusively... (if it is good quality)”

Another exchange of e-mails once again saw the Record staffer back on after a few minutes, clearly salivating at the prospect of a front page to remember: “Well, keep us posted on what u intend to do with it as I am sure there would be much interest at this end.
Cheers”

The Randalstown bhoy sent them a reply some time later with a link to the video: “Nobody has got back so I am prepared to pass it onto the Record. Is it possible we could come to some arrangement after you see the video. As I said it is three Celtic players, two current and one former player, with the former player and one current all singing a rebel song. You will see I have told the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. Please get back asap to discuss agreement.”

The link was to a You Tube video of the TV cameras panning along the Scotland team before the last international at Hampden with ‘Flower of Scotland’ blaring away in the background. Gary Caldwell, Stephen McManus and Kenny miller are all singing away merrily.

Flower of Scotland??? Thought the Record.

Our intrepid Randalstown man replied: “Hi, I told the truth all along. If you care to look. Celtic players, past and present singing a rebel song which Flower of Scotland is. Ohhhh, I know what you were thinking.”

It’s enough to drive any self-respecting hack to drink, so it is, and if there are any members of the Laptop Loyal reading this who do take the occasional tipple, may we recommend a bottle of King Billy Bitter, as reviewed on the excellent website beers of the world.com.

Described as a, “Light golden hoppy beer”, the reviewer praises its aroma as being “Lightly creamy but abundant in zesty bitter oranges.’ Ideal to wash down a plate of eggs Benedict, perhaps, or a juicy Pepperami. Its palate is, “Hoppy with pronounced bitter orange flavours” (those bitter oranges again) while its finish is, “ Dry and bitter.”

A bit like the Rangers Trust, perhaps. And speaking of wind-blown farts, beware; a bottle of King Billy Bitter might have you letting out more gas than the Hindenburg: “As is often the case with weaker bottle-conditioned beers, this golden ale is very dry and fairly gassy. Lacks the strength to condition long in the bottle, so drink it young.”

Knowing my reader as I do (You mean ‘readers’? Ed) (No, reader, singular - earwig), another beer story that might be of interest concerns the Aberdeenshire firm Brewdog who recently allowed drinkers to choose the ingredients and hops for their new brand on their website.

It seems that the naming competition for the new drink - a 6.5% black IPA beer - was overwhelmed by fans of Glasgow’s big club, and the other smaller club, wanting it named after their players. Rangers fans wanted it called Ger-onimo (presumably on the grounds that drinking enough of it would make you go berserk and start launching the bottles at any nearby Jumbotron screens that were malfunctioning).

Celtic fans, by contrast, had suggested calling the drink by the much wittier appellation, ‘Lubobeer Moravcik’.

Toodloo the Noo
THE EARWIG

 

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