September 2004

Wednesday 1st Rangers renew calls for a pilot scheme to sell alcohol inside their stadium, presumably on the grounds that mind-numbing quantities of Absinthe might help convince the Orcs that they're watching good football. A spokesman said, 'We believe society has moved on in the last 30 years', which, by simple arithmetic, means the Huns are now living in the year 1720.

Without a hint of irony, at the same time David Murray, in consultation with his trusty sidekick Baldric, reveals his cunning plan to rescue Rangers. At a time when ENIC and everybody else - including even the Orange Lodge (remember, you can still participate even if you're not in the Lodge - you get a free certificate signed by the Grand Master into the bargain) is selling its Rangers shares, he is proposing a rights issue and a return to the Chairman's desk.

Thursday 2nd Dado Rso's Methadone prescription finally kicks in at a press conference while on international duty for Croatia. Quizzed about the Huns' poor start to the season he replies, 'We're under pressure and that's good. A lot of players joined Rangers this summer and I see it as being like making a good mayonnaise. Making a good mayonnaise takes time.'

Friday 3rd Barcelona officials are reportedly staggered at Celtic asking for 20,000 tickets for the Champions League fixture at the Nou Camp. A spokesperson for the Catalonians said, 'we anticipated them asking for more but maybe not this much. We said they would always be welcome back. We didn't expect it to be so soon!'

Monday 6th According to the media, Celtic are trying to tempt two more players to come to Parkhead for trials. Theodore Elmar Bjarnasson and Kjartan Finnbogason are both Icelandic age international players, although they sound more like characters from The Lord of the Rings.

Saturday 11th Allan Thompson is named as the SPL Player of the Month for August thanks to three goals in four games, including his wonder strike against Rangers.

In the afternoon The Hoops warm up for the Champions League tie against Barcelona by swatting aside a feeble challenge from Dundee at Celtic Park. Henri Camara nets a double, his first competitive goals, and John Hartson gets the other, although the scoreline could easily have been doubled.

Sunday 12th Another scoop for Swoop as Guidi's morning Masonsport exclusive reveals that 'Celtic will make a January swoop for Scotland defender Gary Naysmith - if he's still available on a Bosman.'

In the afternoon's big SPL match, plucky cash-strapped Rangers hold Hearts to a 0:0 draw at Tynecastle. The home supporters staged an anti-board protest by releasing balloons onto the playing field, while the respective managers got into the swing of things by doing likewise. With the gap between Celtic and Rangers now seven points after five games, if this keeps up until the end of the season then Celtic should be 49 points ahead of them next May.

In his post-match interview big Eck conceded that his team weren't in the same class as Celtic but maintained that, 'I'm not saying we are at Celtic's level yet, remember they have been together for four years and their side cost around £34m to create.'

James Traynor on Radio Scotland tells the nation that the media are now on 'Doomwatch' as far as the Rangers boss is concerned, although at the paper he works for the Hun crest remains, as yet, unrent.

Monday 13th Martin O'Neill is in fine form as he responds to the Eckmeister's analysis of the reasons for Celtic's success (spending lots of money - no irony intended) with some seething rebuttal: 'Alex mentioned £34m but I'd love to know where that went. If you try to come up with whatever figures then you have to try to get them right. I am in my fifth year at the football club and I know I wouldn't have been able to sign Chris Sutton for £6m had I not sold Mark Viduka for £6m. I tried to persuade Mark Viduka to stay but that was exceptionally difficult, as I was in Glasgow and he was in Melbourne, so I started to search around once I knew he had no intention in coming back and that's when Chris came. We were trying to compete with Rangers and at that particular stage they were spending £12m on players. Joos Valgaeren was about £3.5m and Alan Thompson £2.7m and it cost us about £50,000 for Stan Varga, Bobo Balde and Didier Agathe, so that tells you something. We paid an initial £4m for John Hartson and we have bought one player in the last two years and that was Stephen Pearson for £300,000 from Motherwell. So if you want to quote figures let's try to sort it out. Really, our spending in the last couple of seasons has been the £300,000 I spent on Stephen Pearson. So let's try and get a few things right. It would be great to be going out and spending. And, actually, I'll tell you something else. Our wage-bill still won't be as big as that of Rangers. I hope people won't mind me answering back. I'm allowed to, aren't I? I see a figure put in front of me, and I'm saying, 'Really? Have I spent that much?' Someone somewhere has even said that I bought Rafael Scheidt. I wouldn't mind a bit of research done.'

Tuesday 14th As usual, Celtic lose the first match of the Champions League campaign and, as predicted by just about everybody, the King of Kings comes back to score against us. Thankfully he is suitably gracious about it all: 'I saw Alan Thompson head the ball back and I just gambled. It felt good but it was very difficult to celebrate when I had such a great time here. But I'm happy we got the three points... There were mixed feelings. I have had seven great years here but I know what I have to do now. I'm a Barcelona player and that's the way it is in the professional game. Celtic will always have a big place in my heart but life goes on. You have to do what you have to do.'

Jackie McNamara is stretchered off after the visitors' second goal with a suspected broken ankle.

Wednesday 15th David Murray announces that Rangers made further losses of nearly £6 million during the last financial year, despite having sold half their first team and playing in the Champions League. He valued the present Mordor playing squad at £1.5 million for the lot before promising that, 'together we will bring the good times back to Ibrox.'

Thursday 16th Over in Madeira, plucky cash-strapped Rangers gallantly hold Maritimo to a single goal defeat in the UEFA Cup.

Neil Lennon's agent Robert Segal claims that his client's contract talks with Celtic have stalled: 'Celtic have made no moves to tie him down and I wouldn't expect anything. If they'd wanted to do something the time was in the summer. Now all Neil's going to do is play on and from January 1st he can commit to anyone.'

Sunday 19th The morning red tops both lead with same exclusive (eh? Confused ed) about Bob Malcolm FTP who, according to Kenny MacDonald in the Screws and Scott McDermott in Masonsport had a spat with a supporter as he was leaving the pitch after the game in Portugal. The disgruntled punter is alleged to have shouted, 'You're shite Rangers... I paid £500 to watch that shite!' to which Bob FTP replied, 'Don't come then', before leaving the pitch 'muttering an expletive as he went.'

Elsewhere in the Screws, Philip Szosi, currently plying his trade in Serbia, is reported as telling the press that Celtic want to make him the first Ugandan to play in Scotland; 'My chairman told me some officials from Celtic had contacted him over my services.' In the Scotland on Sunday Moira Gordon writes: 'it's now no longer a case of if McLeish is dismissed but when and sources close to Murray have fuelled rumours that possible replacements have already being canvassed.'

Monday 20th Hibs have launched an appeal to see if any of their supporters are willing to identify the culprit among them who launched an Easter Road pie at Assistant Referee Francis Andrews during Sunday's game against Celtic. The official was hit on the head and although he seemed to be physically unhurt Government scientists are believed to want to place him in quarantine in order to conduct tests to determine whether the contents of the Hibs pie might be the as-yet undiscovered chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction claimed to be in the possession of Sadam Hussein's forces during the last Gulf Conflict.

In England, Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho is furious at The tactics employed by Tottenham Hotspur in order to get a point at Stamford Bridge, including players wasting time by feigning injury, conclusive proof that the former Porto manager is now getting John Cleese and Eric Idle to write his scripts.

Tuesday 21st Celtic's long association with Umbro formally comes to an end with a statement to the Stock Exchange which read: Celtic plc (Celtic) announces that on the expiry of its current kit supply contract at the end of June 2005, a new agreement with NIKE will come into effect. The agreement, between Celtics wholly owned subsidiary, Celtic F.C. Limited and NIKE European Operations Netherlands B.V. (NIKE), will commence on 1 July 2005 and is for a term of 5 years. In return for the grant by Celtic to NIKE of exclusive worldwide rights as official supplier of kit and certain ancillary products to Celtic Football Club, NIKE will pay royalties to Celtic on NIKES sales of Celtic branded products. A minimum royalty of £5 million is payable in each year of the agreement together with further bonus and royalty payments, depending on football success and sales, which Celtic believes are capable of being achieved given the worldwide status of NIKE, who are best suited to meet the global aspirations of Celtic. In financial terms the new contract is the largest commercial licensing transaction entered into by Celtic.

Reaction was generally positive, from a business point of view, the £5 million figure more than doubling what Celtic were getting from Umbro, although the deal falls somewhat short of the one thrashed out between Nike and Manchester United which sees the English club paid £303 million over 13 years.

On the eve of Celtic's CIS Cup match against Falkirk, both Martin O'Neill and John Robertson took time out to reflect on the influence on them of Brian Clough who died the previous night. 'There have been some brilliant managers, but for me he was the greatest of all time,' said Robertson. 'As far as I'm concerned, he was definitely the best there has ever been. I loved the guy.' O'Neill was equally forthcoming in his tribute. 'I wouldn't disagree with John. Brian Clough was absolutely sensational, a truly brilliant manager. I don't think Brian would disagree with it either, he would have been the first one to say he was the greatest of all time. He was England's version of Muhammad Ali, a more charismatic man you could not meet.'

The game itself turns out to be a nine goal thriller, with Celtic reserves finally edging it by 8:1.

Wednesday 22nd Ex-Celtic director Willie Haughey pays £44,000 for Lisbon Lion Bobby Murdoch's medal collection a sale of football memorabilia at Christie's in London. The medals were reluctantly put up for auction after Bobby's widow Kathleen discovered an endowment mortgage deficit and as well as his European Cup Winner's medal included a silver runners-up medal from the Milan final along with three league championship medals and four Scottish Cup winners. Haughey said, 'Bobby Murdoch is a Celtic legend and there was a lot of concern this collection would be broken up and lost forever. I will hand over the medals to the club museum, so all Celtic fans can enjoy them for years to come. That was the main reason why I was so keen to bid for them.' He also spent £3,346 on the strip worn by Henrik Larsson on his farewell appearance at Celtic Park.

In the first big giant-killing shock of the season, plucky Rangers manage to beat Aberdeen at Pittodrie in the CIS Cup.

Thursday 23rd John Hartson's agent Jonathan Barnett is quoted in the Scottish Daily Express as sayings: 'There are a lot of clubs who have expressed an interest in John and Blackburn would be one of five in the Premiership we know who would want to sign him. Everybody knows John's contract is up next summer but we haven't had any indication from Celtic as to what they want to do. John has made it clear that he loves Celtic and living in Scotland but, as yet, we don't know if they are going to offer him a new contract or not. Even if Celtic come to us with an offer, I don't expect John to make a decision on his future until the end of the season.'

Friday 24th Barcelona's star midfielder Xavi has been insisting that Celtic Park generated the best atmosphere he has ever experienced during the recent Champions League tie. He said: 'The atmosphere generated by the fans in Celtic's stadium for our visit was the most impressive I've ever witnessed. The grounds of Liverpool and Manchester United are good and the hostile feeling of playing against Real Madrid in the Bernabeu is also excellent, but the atmosphere against Celtic was the best.'

Saturday 25th Martin O'Neill has been dropping heavy hints to the hacks that he'll be waiting until John Hartson makes a full recovery from his back problems before offering him a new contract. O'Neill has made it clear he will sit down with the Welshman, Bobo Balde and Neil Lennon, who only have months left to run on their deals, to discuss extensions when he gets some time. 'Alan and Chris' contracts were sorted out, Bobo Balde, I am sure, we would like to get something sorted, especially as there was firm interest from Newcastle. Neil is in a position where he is slightly older than the people we have just mentioned. And John, whatever you say, is still doing very, very well in terms of recovering from injuries.'

Despite making the required pre-match optimistic noises about being able to repeat their end of season victory at Parkhead, Dunfermline are easily swatted aside by 3:0 for another regulation three SPL points.

In the draw for the CIS Cup quarter-finals made in the evening, Celtic manage to avoid all of the big teams and will play Rangers at Ibrox on November 9 or 10. 'We're looking forward to it', said Alex McLeish with all the conviction of somebody sitting on the electric chair during a power cut who has just heard the news that the juice will be switched back on in ten minutes.

Monday 27th Following a report in the Daily Record that Mark Hughes was about to make a £1.5 million bid for John Hartson in January, Stellar Group Chairman Jonathan Barnett - Hartson's agent - makes a statement denying that BBJ is looking for a move anywhere: 'We've had no contact at all from any club about John. He loves Celtic, wants to stay there and is waiting for new contract talks. The ball is in Celtic's court and we haven't had any indication from them as to what they want to do.'

Tuesday 28th Previewing the forthcoming Champions League tie in the San Siro, AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti stuns assembled Scottish hacks with his claims that Celtic are as good as anything in Serie A and that his favourite player in the Hoops is Neil Lennon: 'Celtic would be considered one of the top teams in Italy if they were here... the player I prefer is probably Lennon. I like that type of player. He is defensive and committed and reminds me of me.'

Ancelotti also revealed during his press conference that he has relatives who live in Penicuik, near Edinburgh and one member of the Laptop Loyal actually asked the AC Milan coach if he had consulted them about how to beat Celtic (you couldn't make it up!). The Italian's diplomatic reply stopped short of calling his interrogator a stupid arse and gave him a chance to talk about everything Scottish, although he passed up the opportunity to include any crude national stereotypes about Scotsmen being mean: 'I like the environment there and Scotland has a positive attitude to football. The country is actually close to me because I have relatives there. I also have a strong feeling to saving my money. They are from my wife's side but I haven't spoke to them about the game because they don't know much about football.' They must be Rangers supporters then.

Wednesday 29th The game itself offered Celtic the opportunity to contrive another variation on squandering a precious away point, conceding two goals between the 89th minute and the end of stoppage time. To add to the gloom, Alan Thompson is stretchered off with a hamstring injury and will be out for around six weeks. Martin O'Neill described his feelings as being, 'as bad as the UEFA Cup final defeat', although he remained upbeat about the overall performance: 'Once we came to grips with the game we stormed them, dominating things in the San Siro. I am massively disappointed. But I am only disappointed for the team. The fans came here in their droves and they had a great night, they saw an incredible effort and not just a physical effort... Lennon was absolutely, utterly, outstanding. In the first half, when we needed him, he was there. But I don't like to single out one player, there were five or six who were just storming and we got beat. It is a low, from the point of view that from two games we are pointless. Maybe in a few weeks people will forget... but I won't forget the fantastic efforts of the players tonight. We were beaten in a game we dominated... AC Milan are a team of world renown, they have won this competition six times and to have them kicking the ball anywhere to defend, well... We are not out of this competition by a long way. No, we are not out, we might have to go and win in Ukraine (against Shakhtar Donetsk) but we are still in with a chance.'

Thursday 30th The Ibrox crisis is officially declared over as plucky Rangers pull off yet another cup shock in the real big European tie of the week after beating Portuguese giants Maritimo (Who they? Ed). Alright, it was a crap game and they needed extra time and penalties but the important thing is it keeps the Eckmeister in a job. Well, it's important to us, anyway. TV viewers thinking they had tuned into Sky Sports' 'fanzone' commentary by mistake are horrified to learn that it is in fact match summariser and manager of Dundee United manager Ian McCall providing the Coplandesque critique.

Stan Collymore's autobiography is published today in which he claims he nearly signed for Celtic: 'Martin called my lawyer and said that he was planning a pairing of me and Chris Sutton in attack, with Henrik Larsson just behind us. It never happened.'

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

back to top