september 2003

monday 1st Transfer deadline day. JamesMcFadden's agent John Lonergan says that Celtic were in touch with Motherwell but that the offer wasn't taken seriously. 'There was a conversation between the clubs but it was a complete non-starter and never got as far as james or I getting involved.' The deal that does go through on time is a four month loan arrangement for Sunderland's experienced defender Michael Gray.

tuesday 2nd Porto are fined 50,000 Swiss Francs by UEFA for what amounts to touting tickets for the cup final in Seville.

wednesday 3rd In today's Celtic View Martin O'Neill describes Graeme Bryce's Monaco/ Larsson story as a complete fabrication.

Ulrik Laursen is stretchered off while playing for the U-21 team against Livingston. Knee damage means he'll be out for around eight weeks.

Celtic are showing an interest in signing Spanish players Ivan de la Pena and Dani.

thursday 4th German police are to step up security when Rangers visit for their Champions League clash with Stuttgart after branding Ibrox fans 'high risk'. They claim (rightly) the cash-strapped Scottish champions' supporters have an 'aggressive and hard-drinking' reputation in Europe. As we know, Celtic's visit to Stuttgart for the UEFA cup in February passed off peacefully and the Stuttgart police spokesman Christiane Honer said: 'We had a wonderful day here in February. The supporters of Celtic are known as hard-drinking but peaceful. We also know the supporters of Glasgow Rangers are hard-drinking but also aggressive. That is the reason we categorise the match high-risk'. Predictably, Rangers' supporters chief John McMillian blasted (out his arse): 'It appears a complete over-reaction and the authorities need to produce evidence before they brand our fans violent and aggressive'. The last time Rangers played a champions league match, in 1999 in Eindhoven, Holland, 19 Rangers fans were jailed after street battles.

friday 5th The International Federation of Football Statistics announces that, 'The World's Club Team of the Month of August is Celtic, ahead of RSC Anderlecht, Chelsea of London and Galatasaray of Istanbul. The green and whites from Glasgow achieved the highest number of points globally, were unbeaten nationally and internationally (as were the other mentioned clubs) and managed a sensational jump from 9th to 2nd place. Until now no other club has managed such a performance. It is also the highest place ever achieved by Celtic Football Club in in the Club World Ranking.'
TOP 10.
1. (1.) Milan AC
2. (9.) Glasgow Celtic FC
3. (2.) Real Madrid CF
4. (5.) Arsenal FC
5. (3.) Manchester United FC
6. (12.) SS Lazio
7. (6.) FC do Porto
8. (11.) Santos FC
9. (7.) FC Juventus
10. (4.) FC Barcelona

friday 5th Rangers' accounts are finally published and the cash-strapped Ibrox club can boast that they are some of the worst ever figures in the history of British football. Last year's losses of £26.9 million pushes the total debt figure up to almost £70 million and means that in the last five years they have posted losses of £132 million. Surely that's worth at least another star on the jersey?

saturday 6th Rab Douglas and Jackie McNamara both play in Scotland's 3:1 victory over the Faroe Islands at Hampden in the Euro qualifier. Other international Celts include Stilian Petrov, who took part in Bulgaria's 2:0 victory over Estonia, and John Hartson, who was included in the Wales team which was on the receiving end of a 4:0 mauling in the San Siro.

tuesday 9th De La Pena and Dani both take part in a bounce game against Livingston at the Excelsior Stadium which the Hoops win by 3:2. After the match de la Pena's agent says that his client is off to consider a £40,000 a month cushy billet in Qatar. Dani will stay on at Parkhead for another week.

Shaun Maloney scores the only goal in the Scotland U-21 team's superb victory against Germany.

wednesday 10th Rab Douglas, Jackie McNamara and Paul Lambert all take part in Scotland's 2:1 defeat in Dortmund. Rab D makes a few good saves but is found wanting at the first German goal. Paul Lambert hirples off to be replaced at half-time. An aggravated ankle injury means he will be sidelined for six weeks.

thursday 11th Celtic win a two year battle to register the huddle as an official trade mark with the UK Patent Office. It means only the club can use pictures of the team doing the pre-match ritual on official merchandise.

Planet Football reports that Ivan de la Pena is ready to sign for Celtic. Speaking to a Spanish radio station his family confirmed that he had flown to Qatar 'out of courtesy' but that he was now ready to sign a one year deal with Celtic.

saturday 13th A hard-fought 1:0 victory at Dens Park. Bobo scores with a header after 8 minutes but the game is spoiled by lunatic referee Dougie McDonald who caps an afternoon of bewildering decisions by showing Agathe a straight red card for an incident with Nacho Novo which was hardly even a foul. Neil Lennon is reported to the Tayside Plod for giving the finger to a section of the Dundee support which had spent the afternoon giving him the Windsor Park treatment.

Monday 15th Another bed will soon be required in the Paranoia Ward. In the wake of the Dundee match, during which Didier Agathe was sent off for being too quick for his opponent and Neil Lennon was captured by the telly cameras giving the finger to a section of the home crowd which had spent the afternoon giving him the usual treatment, Martin O'Neill has the temerity to suggest that the SFA is guilty of double standards: 'Can someone tell me the difference between Neil Lennon making an alleged gesture to the crowd and Christian Dailly making a clear abusive gesture towards one of the German players last week?.. It's the same with Chris Sutton being banned for what he said at Rugby Park then both Dailly and James McFadden being allowed to call the German players cheats... Until someone comes up and explains these particular things to me properly I'm at a loss.'

Following the news that the Lennon incident at Dens Park will be reported to the SFA by the referee and will be investigated by the local Plod following complaints from irate Dundee supporters who had been deeply hurt by the Celtic player's gesture, team mate Magnus Hedman comes to Lennon's defence: 'All I can say is that Lennon is a great guy and a fiery character on the pitch. I'm sure there was no real offence meant'.

Ivan de le Pena's agent says the player is ready to sign for Celtic but only if he is offered a contract with no further trial period.

Tuesday 16th The SFA have invited Martin O'Neill to explain his accusations of 'double standards' as it is euphemistically being referred to. 'That's great', said O'Neill, without the slightest hint of sarcasm.

According to his agent, Manuel Ferrer, Ivan de le Pena is mulling over an offer from the Hoops. 'At the moment we are waiting to see what the player wants to do.'

The Orcs get their Champions League campaign off to a winning start at Mordor thanks to a free gift from 'the tightest defence in the Bundesliga' and an equally spawny deflected effort from Lovencrap. Horrified TV watchers are subjected to several close-ups of Fernando Ricksen after he clashed heads with Henning Berg. To the relief of everybody, the glaikit expression on the face, the drool coming out of the corner of the mouth and the floodlights shining through the gaping hole in the head confirmed that Ricksen was functioning perfectly normally.

Wednesday 17th Having taken the lead through an Allan Thompson header and looking completely untroubled until fifteen minutes from the end of the game, Celtic wind up losing by the odd goal in three in the Olympic Stadium against Bayern Munich. Martin O'Neill was as staggered by the eventual outcome as the rest of us but refused to blame 'keeper Magnus Hedman for the loss of the second goal: 'I have a feeling of disbelief. For 75 minutes we were in control of the game, ahead in Munich against one of the best sides in European football and deservedly so. The players have ended up losing all three points when at one stage I have to say we would have been disappointed to drop any.'

In the other tie in Group A Lyon beat Anderlecht 1:0 thanks to a dodgy penalty.

Saturday 20th Celtic beat Motherwell 3:0 to briefly go top of the SPL table but once again the referee takes centre stage as Iain Brines denies Celtic a stonewall penalty in the first half, choosing instead to book Henrik Larsson for diving... on his birthday as well! Watch out for Brines. It can't be too long before he gets his first Old Firm game if today's form is anything to go by.

Sunday 21st Rangers go back to the top of the table with an away win at Tynecastle. Referee Stuart Dougal leaves Hearts manager Craig Leveine incensed by denying the home team three penalty claims, the first of which was an absolute stonewaller in the opening minutes of the game.

Glen Hoddle is sacked as manager of Tottenham. Looks like it won't be long before martin O'Neill is being linked with the vacancy.

Monday 22nd Big day for the Glasgow Evening Times. On the front page chief reporter David Leask informs us in an exclusive under the banner headline 'Celtic shock as tycoon set to quit club' that, 'Celtic's biggest shareholder is believed to be close to selling his stake in the club.'

Meanwhile, on the back page the hopeless Darrell King and the equally useless Ronnie Cully report that Spurs are ready to swoop for Martin O'Neill. How original. A Celtic spokesperson quickly denied any Spurs move for O'Neill, dismissing reports as 'simply speculation', while later editions of the paper fail to record a statement from Dermot Desmond to the effect that: 'I have instructed my lawyers to take action against the publishers of the Evening Times and the journalist who wrote the story... this article is not only misleading it is also malicious. Those who know me have no doubts whatsoever about my commitment to the club, which is total and absolute.'

Tuesday 23rd Mihir Bose in the Telegraph reveals that Martin O'Neill is first choice to replace Glen Hoddle. He states that O'Neill has a clause in his contract which allows him to talk to other clubs in January.

Portuguese midfield player Dani departs in a revved up taxi after failing to agree a contract with Celtic. We are therefore denied the opportunity to resurrect the old Danny McGrain song in his honour: 'Dani, Dani, Dani... er ... Dani.'

Wednesday 24th A Daily Mirror exclusive by Alan Nixon and John Cross reveals that 'Tottenham Chairman Daniel Levy is refusing to give up on Celtic boss Martin O'Neill after being told Spurs will have to pay £5 million to get Alan Curbishley.' According to this dynamic duo, Spurs will give O'Neill another fortnight to make up his mind.

Thursday 25th In the draw for the nextround of the prestigious CIS Cup, the one they all want to win, Celtic have pulled out a real plum with a glamour tie away to Partick Thistle, one of the jewels in the SPL's tiara, on October 28th or 29th. The game is expected to be shown live on Channel 5.

Celtic announce the appointment of Peter Lawwell to take over from Ian McLeod. Although he will be doing McLeod's old job he will not be inheriting the title of Chief Executive; instead he will be known as Executive Director, Head of Operations (feel free to make appropriate Chewin' the Fat 'wooo!' noises and hand gestures).

Over at the Death Star the Cat signs a new contract. The timing couldn't possibly have anything to do with the Nuremberg Rally due at the Armadillo the next day could it?

Friday 26th Some of the chip wrappers have made the front and back page headlines today 'BARNES IN CELTIC RACE ROW'. Now anyone who watched the TV programme in question would agree that he didn't say he got the sack from Celtic because of his colour, but as usual they don't let that stop them getting in the way of a 'scoop'. Why was the story printed today? It couldn't possibly be related in some way to the Huns AGM could it?

Martin O'Neill responds to the constant speculation in the papers linking him with the Spurs job. He tells assembled hacks at his regular press conference: 'Four months into the job my future was under scrutiny and it has remained so... I want to be talking about Celtic and I'm really happy to be in this job... If you tell me that the purpose of this is to get another 13 years at Celtic then I would be absolutely delighted... What else can I say? How many times can I say it? How many times do you want to ask me the same thing? How many times do you want to be wrong?'

Phew, that should put a stop to it all for a while, eh?

Saturday 27th Another exclusive for John Cross in the Daily Mirror who writes, 'Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy returned from honeymoon last night and immediately stepped up the chase for Martin O'Neill...'

In the SPL Celtic beat Hibs at Easter Road by 2:1 but have to finish the game with ten men after Bobo Balde is sent packing for retaliation following a wild lunge by Hibs substitute Scott Brown. Balde will be suspended for the visit to the Death Star.

Sunday 28th In a News of the Screws exclusive David Harrison avoids the obvious paper-shilling tactics and goes for a proper investigative journalistic scoop instead. No, only kidding, he cobbles together a few hundred words on how 'Tottenham Hotspur are poised to make an official approach for Martin O'Neill within 14 days.'

Big human interest story in the Mail concerns Fernando Ricksen who is 'Trying to win back his walkout wife after a heart-to-heart dinner date (exclusive by Derek Alexander)'.

Let's hope he doesn't blow it by doing something stupid.

Monday 29th Henrik Larsson comes out top of the BBC 4 poll to find Britain's best ever black footballer, beating John Barnes into second place.

This obviously fails to impress Giovane Elber, however, mercurial star striker of forthcoming Champions League opponents Olympique Lyon. 'Larsson is a big name player who has scored lots of goals in the Scottish League. But where does he rank among the top strikers?'

Tuesday 30th Celtic beat Lyon by 2:0 in an enthralling and atmospheric match at Celtic Park. Larsson has a blinder. Elber gets the hook for being crap.

HACKWATCHER

back to top