september 2002

sunday 1st Celtic beat Livingston 2:0 at Parkhead.

Meanwhile, after reassuring Pars fans in the morning tabloids that there would be no more humpings to Old Firm teams, Jimmy Calderwood's Dunfermline promptly lose 6:0 to the Huns at home in the afternoon, although it must be pointed out that this did include the obligatory penalty and sending off for the Gers' opponents.

The News of the Screws also reports that the Huns are seeking a second opinion concerning Dariusz Adamczuck's non-appearances. The Polish star who was another of Dick Advocaat's spectacularly successful acquisitions has not been seen or heard of since the end of last season other than a sick note from a doctor inferring that he is too depressed to turn up at Ibrox. The Huns are obviously suspicious that Dariusz might be trying to pull a Corporal Klinger on them by attempting to get out on a Section 8 discharge.

monday 2nd Sean Maloney signs a three year extension to his contract.

Bobo Balde is called up for international duty by Guinea for their African Nations Cup qualifying game against Liberia.

tuesday 3rd Scotland's under 21 team beat Israel 2:1 at the quaintly named Ballast Stadium in Hamilton. Both Scotland's goals are scored by Celtic players, the first from Maloney and the second in the 84th minute courtesy of defender John Kennedy.

Celtic directors Ian McLeod and Eric Riley both fail in their bid to get elected onto the board of the bank of Scotland Premierleague. Instead, those thrusting dynamos of the Scottish game Lex Gold, Chris Robinson and Sir John Orr will be joined by Rangers chairman John Halloweencakeheid. Church bells ring out throughout the land as a nation rejoices.

friday 6th News from Japan that Lubo Moravcik has been forced to give up football altogether sparks fears at NTV Mansions that he has signed for Hearts. It turns out that an ankle injury has forced his retirement just two months into a six month contract with Jef United Ichihara.

Rangers announce their accounts for the year to 30 June 2002. Rumours in the financial world that David Murray was feeling a bit uncomfortable could hardly prepare financial experts for the figures announced. Losses of £32 million for the year were described by our own man in the city as 'astonishing'. Despite assurances from Murray following his recent handover to John McLelland that he would be standing by with his cheque book open should he get the bat signal from Ibrox that a large sub was required, the fact is that his other business enterprises outside football are very economically sensitive (oil, steel, fridges, you name it) and carry a lot of debt. Murray would only be able to continue to bankroll Rangers only if three conditions applied, viz. 1) They were completely dominant and Celtic were on their knees. 2) Loads of advertising money was being ploughed into football. 3) Murray Limited was being buoyed by the economy. Unfortunately for DM none of these conditions apply now. Needless to say the tabloids went to town with all this and had major splashes all over the back pages. Rangers crests were depicted as rent in twain while furious hacks were demanding to know in the interests of the cash-strapped Ibrox club's supporters why the share price had plummeted from £4 in June 2000 to £1.20 a few weeks ago, effectively dropping the value of Rangers from £62 million to £27 million, or, to paraphrase a favourite hack expression, little more than the value of two Tore Andre Flos. Aye right!

saturday 7th John Hartson scores for Wales in their 2:0 European Championship qualifier win against Finland in Helsinki. Stephen Crainey and Paul Lambert helped write another chapter in the history of the Scotland national team by taking part in the 2:2 draw against the Faroe Islands.

sunday 8th To the Celtic Oscars at the Armadillo. Greatest ever Celtic player was announced as Jimmy Johnstone while the Greatest Celt award went to Jock Stein. No mentions for Kevin Kelly, Michael Kelly or Chris White though. Perhaps an alternative award ceremony is called for?

monday 9th The Celtic AGM back to a weekday. Highlights included those present getting to hear the voice of Dermot Desmond, which must have had the same effect as when the Japanese people were forced to listen to the previously unheard voice of the semi-deity Emperor Hirohito as he hosted a chart request show on Radio Tokyo in 1945. (Full AGM report)

tuesday 10th Celtic's unbeaten run in the Premier League comes to an end at Fir Park as Motherwell win by 2:1.

wednesday 11th Celtic slip to second place in the Premier League for the first time since Martin O'Neill became manager as the Sons of William triumph over the Cousins of William at the Death Star.

saturday 14th Celtic beat Hibernian 1:0 at Parkhead in a game that was as enjoyable to watch as having your nostrils split open with a boat hook. Rangers beat Livingston 2:0 at Almondvale. The home side have a player sent off and Rangers are awarded a penalty by Kenny Clark. What a shock! Clark also fails to spot a blatant elbowing incident perpetrated by the Huns' new hard man Kevin Muscat which would have resulted in his second yellow card.

sunday 15th Lithuanian football director Liutauras Varanavicius reveals in an exclusive (what else?) interview in the News of the Screws that Celtic are the most popular team in Lithuania. "Everyone here was pleased when Suduva were drawn against such a famous team as Celtic. They are the most popular foreign team in the country along with Manchester United and Liverpool. When Rangers played here against FBK Kaunas two years ago there were many local fans who wore Celtic shirts to annoy the Rangers supporters. Maybe when Celtic come they will find Rangers tops from somewhere but I think it's more likely they will wear their Celtic tops again. In fact, it's possible that supporters of other teams in Lithuania will also be supporting Celtic against Suduva because Celtic are so popular here!"

tuesday 17th Ian McLeod mailshots all 50,000 odd season ticket holders and shareholders with a letter urging us not to condone the chanting of pro-IRA songs. The BBC dredge up Michael Kelly (who he? ed) for a comment. "It's a landmark statement", he says, "The club has been quite specific on where it stands on these political and sectarian matters. The club has never gone as far as this before." Nobody added, "Especially when your lot were in charge."

The SFA's head of disciplinary and refereeing affairs Drew Herbison states that the SFA will not be taking action against Kevin Muscat of Rangers despite clear television evidence that the player deliberately elbowed Juanjo Camacho of Livingston.

Bumming up the Teds before their UEFA Cup tie against Viktoria Principal while attempting to perpetuate the myth that big Eck is some kind of Alex Ferguson protege, James Traynor writes in this morning's Daily Retard, "Alex McLeish revealed last night that Rangers will follow Alex Ferguson's road to European glory... McLeish made it clear his plan is to recreate Aberdeen's near invincible system which took European football by storm in the early 80s." Eck's version of the system apparently still has a few glitches to iron out as the Huns lose by 2:0 to the Czech Republicans a few hours later, leaving observers to conclude that Ferguson must have given big Eck a Michelin road map of Europe to follow, complete with the Man United boss's outline of his route.

In the Champions League, FC Basel beat Spartak Moscow 2:0. Just when the wound was beginning to heal...

wednesday 18th Rangers announce the departure from platform nine and three quarters of the Dick Advocaat Express, bound for Rotterdam and all points east. In June this year Dick hat stated categorically that, "I will definitely remain with Rangers for one more year because that is the system that David Murray, Alex McLeish and myself set up last December. It is nonsense to suggest I'm leaving Ibrox." In a statement from the Death Star Murray thanked Advocaat for his services.

Algimautas Gavris, coach of FK Suduva, assesses his side's chances in the forthcoming UEFA Cup tie at Celtic Park: "We are coming here to play and we are capable of getting a result."

thursday 19th The morning of another important UEFA Cup tie. The Retard's sports desk have another chance to boost the supporters of Scotland's representatives with a positive story going into the match (see Traynor's article on Tuesday). However, seeing as it's Celtic, we're treated to an 'exclusive' (does this man deal in anything else?) by Hugh 'Bonkers' Keevins: "Celtic have sold only half their ground because of a Champions League backlash that will cost the club £4 million in lost ticket money." Through a quantum leap of unfathomable logic, whatever gate receipts the club accrued from the match actually equate in Bonkers' febrile imagination to losses. For the record, the attendance at the match was 36,824 (memo to Bonkers: double that is 73,684 which is more than the capacity of Celtic Park). Of the English clubs playing in the UEFA Cup in the same round on the same evening, Leeds attracted a respectable 30,000 for their game against Metalurgia Zaporizhya (spare a thought for their fans who have to make up chants), Blackburn Rovers drew 18,300 for their game against CSKA Sofia while at Stamford Bridge, 15,772 turned up to watch Chelsea. Celtic's attendance was the highest in the UEFA Cup that night.

On the subject of attendances, Bonkers reasons that the Huns' defeat against Viktoria Principal is actually a good thing: "The irony is that Rangers' dire defeat from Viktoria Zitkov could turn out to be good business for the Ibrox club as fans turn out in numbers to intimidate the Czech side in the 2nd leg."

The Celtic tie turns out to be the most one-sided contest since Douglas Bader challenged Allan Wells to a 100m dash. At least the Lithuanian coach was right; they did come to play (sort of) and they did get a result - an 8:1 gubbing.

friday 20th In a remarkable about-turn, the SFA announces that Kevin Muscat will find himself the subject of investigation from their 3 man review panel which will review the video evidence and decide over the weekend if he should answer a case before the Discipline Committee.

saturday 21st Dick Advocaat advises Martin O'Neill that he should quit Celtic rather than renew his contract at Parkhead. Curiously, the Little Genital doesn't seem to be advocating the benefits that MON might derive from getting himself shunted upstairs for a few months before being given a hefty paycheque just for clearing off.

sunday 22nd Celtic beat Dundee 1:0. Henrik Larsson continues his recent much publicised run of poor form with his fourth goal in two games.

tuesday 24th Ian McLeod is reported in the Guardian as being confident that Martin O'Neill will sign a new contract to keep him at Celtic Park.
At a press conference at Hampden Park, a gathering of Park Gardens' finest congeal to show off their new sponsorship deal and generally goof around like extras from a National Lampoon movie. This season the MIBs will have their tunics emblazoned with the logo of Specsavers, the High Street opticians. As attempts at showing a human face goes, this is like watching Hitler doing the slosh at a Reichstag knees-up. Don McVicar, the SFA's head of referee development, says that part of the £1 million sponsorship money from Specsavers will be going to provide media coaching for the MIBs with a view to allowing them to explain their most controversial decisions on television at some point in the near future. "One or two referees can handle it", said Pooh Dallas, no doubt modestly referring to himself, "But the majority would probably find it daunting being put in front of a press conference."

wednesday 25th Two Celtic fans blag their way into the inner sanctum of Spanish club Athletic Bilbao after telling officials they were there to watch striker David Costado with a view to signing him for the Hoops. The two were wined and dined before leaving with a complete dossier on the player. Following revelations in the Daily Retard about Ronald de Boer, the Genital unceremoniously leaves him out of his latest Dutch squad announced today, without even so much as a "Kiss my Irish arse".

thursday 26th In the draw for the third round of the CIS Insurance Cup Celtic are given the chance to lay the ghost of Inverness Caley to rest. The huns are drawn to play Hibs at Easter Road.
The Daily Retard features an article by Neil Cameron on the subject of Bobo Balde, shamelessly cribbed from the previous day's issue of Pravda. One of Cameron's few original contributions to the article comes in the opening paragraph: "Bobo Balde has found himself in the dock so often it makes sense that his first choice of career was to become a lawyer." Could the Retard's hack possibly be referring to the same Bobo Balde who picked up the massive total of four yellow cards in all domestic competitions last season?

Somebody called Billy Sword from Ayrshire wins this month's prize for the most gullible hun in Christendom with his call to the Retard's Hotline which appeared in the paper as follows: "I would like to ask David Murray why the club is £15 million in debt even though we've sold players, sold 40,000 season tickets and are selling so many kits." Hmm, quite.

friday 27th In the big transfer story of the month, Alex McLeish confirms he is trying to bring Turkish striker Hakan Sukur to Ibrox. The Daily Retard's Dynamic Duo of Keith Jackson and James Traynor had both their names on the byline of this latest 'exclusive', even though their colleague David McCarthy claimed in another exclusive on September 9th that McLeish had turned down the chance to sign both Sukur and John Carew because the Cat in the Hat was not a huge fan of either player: "Sukur... became known as the Bull of the Bosphorus during a prolific eight year spell at Galatasaray where he plundered 173 goals..." wrote the Bullshitters of the Backpages. Of course, the timing of this story can have nothing whatsoever to do with the Hun AGM the following Monday. The evening paper follows this with a report that Sukur's agent - who seems to have been pretty easy to get hold of - "claims he has heard nothing of Rangers' interest." (Darrell King)

Billy McNeill fails a written exam in order to qualify as a licensed football agent. Amongst the others failing to get the necessary 66% pass score for answering 20 questions set by FIFA relating to regulations and employment law are Darren Jackson and Tosh McKinlay.

Ex-Celtic 'keeper Stewart Kerr is forced to quit the game at the age of 27 because of recurring problems with his back.

saturday 28th Celtic beat Kilmarnock 5:0 at Parkhead. Henrik Larsson's run of poor form continues with a miserable two goals.

Hakan Sukur's agent - a man who seems to be available for consultation at the drop of a hat to any Scottish hack who can use a phone - tells the Sun that his client is available to the Huns for the knock down price of £1 million a year. "Rangers know the situation and unless they come up with the money we are looking for the deal is dead."

monday 30th To the annual general meeting of the Huns, aka the Nuremberg Rally, held this year at the Armadillo. Anyone looking forward to a hot one following announcements of breathtaking operating losses, a colossal debt burden of £52 million and the worst European result in Hunnic history were to be disappointed, though. The sight of the League Cup, the Scottish Cup and the under 18s team seemed to be enough to appease the shareholders who turned up.

One shareholder who didn't turn up was D. Murray who decided that this would be a good time to take a holiday, although he did send a video of himself wherein cyberDave reassured the audience - from a safe distance - that there was nothing to worry about. It must have been like watching one of the occasional appearances of young Mr. Grace from 'Are You Being Served'.

Also absent was the Little Genital, the mention of whose name seemingly sent the assembled throng into a mild fit of apoplectic rage following his tabloid trashing of the first team squad the previous week.

New Chairman John McLelland was left to face the music. Excusing Murray's absence he said that the outgoing supremo "Invested £30 million of his own money into the club and his commitment can't be faulted." Alarmingly, Murray's personal investment seems to have diminished since the summer announcement of his impending departure, when Murray himself was reported as claiming to have sunk "Between £45 million and £50 million of my own money during my time with Rangers."

Speaking about the colossal amount of debt the Huns are presently facing, McLelland mollified the audience by informing them that "The actual short-term debt we have at the end of the financial year is £6 million", a figure which doesn't seem to agree with any other assessment of the Rangers balance sheet. Quoted in the Retard, a stockbroker from investment managers DWD Rensberg broke the bad news to the Huns the following morning that there's going to be a January sale early in the New Year: "They'll need to sell players because transfers take the highest earners off a wage bill that's out of control and transfer fees reduce the level of debt."

The Q & A session at the end of the meeting produced the usual level of dopiness observers have come to expect from such a gathering. "We are not a sectarian club", said McLelland, shortly after having witnessed the crowd turn on somebody who had dared question the wisdom of the Huns wearing an orange strip and himself having to field a question from another member of the audience who was incensed that Rangers had sold the pay per view rights to their UEFA Cup tie against Zizkov to Setanta on the grounds that they are based in Dublin.

On the subject of the orange strip, the Huns' marketing director Nick Peel (there's an obvious 'Orange' Peel joke here but we'll skip it in order to promote peace and harmony among Old Firm supporters) said that the kit had been subject to "misplaced interpretation" while McLelland said that not to issue the strip despite the obvious controversy that would surround it would have been "the wrong commercial decision."

McLeish admitted that his bid to sign Hakan Sukur was dead. "I've had difficulty contacting the agent who first brought Sukur to our attention," he told reporters (maybe the agent was on the phone to Darrell King at the time? helpful ed), "And there are a lot of bureaucratic problems." The biggest of his "bureaucratic problems" would appear to be that there aren't enough "bureaucratic problems" in the bank account right now.

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