October 2004

Sunday 3rd Today's chip wrapper transfer exclusive comes from Andrew Graham in the News of the Screws who reliably informs us that, 'Celtic are poised to make a move for Gary Naysmith - four years after Martin O'Neill missed out on making him one of his first signings for the club. The Parkhead boss passed on the chance to sign Naysmith from Hearts for a cut-price fee back in 2000 because he had just spent £2.8 million on Joos Valgaeren.'

At Tannadice in the afternoon, Dundee United take on the post-Champions league hangover Hoops and do well to avoid worse than a 3:0 home defeat, all three goals coming in a first half blitz. Ian McCall is none too happy with referee Pooh Dallas and claims that United should have had three penalties. Martin O'Neill conceded that Celtic 'might have survived a couple of penalty claims but we scored three, should have been five up at half-time and if they had scored a goal or two we might have scored seven or eight.'

Monday 4th Martin O'Neill wins 'substantial' damages from the BBC over claims that he 'exploited the loose disciplines of football' over transfer deals. The allegation was made in publicity for a book published by BBC Worldwide, which said the Celtic manager had shares in a football agent business. One of the authors said he had dealt in its players while a shareholder. At the High Court in London, the BBC accepted this was untrue and apologised for the claims in the press release. O'Neill's solicitor Paul Hackney said OFM had agreed to accept a formal apology and 'substantial damages' from the BBC and Richard McIlroy, one of the authors of a follow-up book to the Radio 5 'On The Line' programme.

Tuesday 5th While the hacks are drooling at the prospect of the Huns finishing in the first three of a five team group comprising of themselves, Auxerre, Grazer AK, AZ Alkmaar and Amica Wronki, their accountants must be reaching for the razor blades at the thought of how much TV money that lot are going to rake in for them.

Thursday 7th Magnus Hedman is reported to be considering a return to Sweden and could be tempted to move before the end of his current contract, which runs out in 2006, now that he has fallen in the pecking order behind David Marshall, Rab Douglas, Michael McGovern, Packy Bonner and one of Peter Latchford's socks. 'It depends on what happens during the season' Hedman told Swedish newspaper Sportbladet. 'If I don't find anything interesting then I will stay with Celtic and then move home to Sweden.'

Friday 8th The annual Hun Nuremberg Rally is held at Ibrox today as a cost cutting measure as the Armadillo is a bit pricey these days. The accounts must have made for pretty grim reading but comic relief was provided by stand-up comedian David Murray, making his comeback after a couple of years away dreaming up new material. Among the highlights of his hilarious routine: the 'Rangers will be debt free in a year' sketch; the casino gag; the 'Boumsong's not for sale' skit; the 'private jet' bit and the 'Michael Ball is injured again' joke.

Saturday 9th Celtic's chief executive Peter Lawwell responds to comments made by Murray at the Nuremberg Rally to the effect that Rangers are still the market leader in income from replica strips despite Celtic's massive £25m sponsorship deal with Nike. 'We don't normally comment on other clubs' commercial agreements,' said Lawwell. 'But I do feel the record has to be set straight here. Our deal is a sponsorship deal and represents a guaranteed minimum. It's the biggest deal ever done in Scotland, £5m per year over five years. He [Murray] is commenting on merchandising but we are making that over and above the £5m. I just feel the record has to be set straight.'

Lawwell also reveals that Martin O'Neill was given a budget of £1.5 million with which to replace Henrik Larsson during the summer: 'Martin did have money in the summer. He had a budget and he used it well. That was the extent of the budget. There was a wee bit of flexibility for Dwight Yorke but that was his budget. What we set aside for Martin has been used.'

Sunday 10th According to Andrew Smith and Martin Hannan in the Scotland on Sunday, the £10 million transfer kitty injection that businessman Alistair Donald had reportedly been preparing to invest in Rangers (an announcement that was made by Murray a few days before the AGM - just a coincidence surely) appears to be in jeopardy. A Rangers statement about possible forthcoming investment had been removed from the Ofex website, sparking speculation that Donald might be having second thoughts. 'The statement has annoyed Alistair,' said a source close to the businessman, 'and it was certainly premature.' An investment analyst said it would be 'virtually impossible' to ringfence any cash put into the Death Star specifically for transfers.

Monday 11th Hopes that the big number at this year's forthcoming AGM was going to feature Peter Lawwell singing 'Tiptoe Through The Tulips' while skipping through a specially constructed replica set of the Wizard of Oz and simultaneously throwing bundles of fifty quid notes at Martin O'Neill are dashed as the Chief Exec issues a statement prior to Wednesday's shareholders' meeting: 'What we set aside for a budget for Martin has been used... We are £15m in debt and that is manageable, but that is a figure you see after receiving a sizeable amount of our season ticket money. Our debt can go to a considerably higher level during the course of the financial year. It is near our banking facility limit.' Chairman Brian Quinn added: 'The debt costs us around £1.4m a year in interest and that is the salary of a very good player, so we are foregoing players by having debt. We made a loss of £7m and that included an increase of costs in the football department of more than 20% despite the continuing reports Martin has no money to spend. I think we struck the balance between football and balancing the finances in the right way.'

Still on the subject of high finance, as if things over at the Death Star weren't bad enough there's more bad news for the chairman of the cash-strapped (if not sash-strapped) Kinning park giants as the Sunday Herald reports that, 'David Murray's Response Handling call centre business appeared this weekend to be on the brink of losing a key contract. If the multi-million deal with electronic giant Hewlett-Packard is pulled, it will prove a major blow to the call centre business, one of the biggest in Scotland. The contract is regarded as the jewel in the crown of the business that Response Handling bought last summer from Scottish telecoms business Thus. It is understood that Murray paid less than £1 million for the business, but if the HP contract is indeed lost it would probably have been worth much less. Murray bought the business after conducting due diligence in July. One person with knowledge of the business said: 'The Hewlett-Packard contract was a major plank of the deal between David Murray and Thus. It will be very significant if the contract is ended.'

Some of the tabloids report that ex-Rangers footballer Paul Gascoigne is planning to change his name in a bid to make a clean break from his past. He has previously stated he no longer wants to be known as Gazza and now wants people to stop calling him Paul. 'The 37-year-old's decision is part of continuing attempts to change his life and regain respect following a battle against alcohol problems.' Suggestions from a straw poll carried out at NTV Mansions for a new first name for Gascoigne included 'Not Bamber', 'Numptyheid' and 'Awayarsehole' but we're sure our devoted readers (Sid and Doris Bonkers) can do better.

Marcel Desailly claims that Celtic, Crystal Palace and Portsmouth were all keen to sign him on a free transfer before an offer from Qatar proved impossible to turn down. Having flown into Doha for talks Desailly agreed to an eight-month deal with the Qatari club Al Ittihad (club song: 'You Can Call Us Al'). 'I've made my decision after mature reflection,' he insisted at the launch of his new range of personally endorsed sports merchandise, which includes whoopee cushions, blow monkeys and itchy powder. 'I'm very happy to undertake this new experience which will last until June 10 2005. I'd do well to thank the officials from the many clubs who have had me in their thoughts in the past few weeks - Crystal Palace, Portsmouth, Glasgow Celtic and I forget the others.'

Sky Sports are reporting today that Martin O'Neill is watching Sunderland's Julio Arca. Arca's current contract comes to an end in summer 2005 but he has been in discussions about a new contract since the end of July. Sunderland management were initially optimistic that the player would agree new terms fairly quickly, but concern is mounting on Teesside amongst supporters that the Argentinian has failed to sign on the dotted line, almost three months later.

Wednesday 13th To the AGM at Celtic Park and the club's directors reveal that for the 10th successive year, Celtic increased turnover by 14% to £69.02 million but operating expenses increased by 19.2% to £69.02 million mainly due to contractual salaries, win bonuses and transfers which is why O'Neill was restricted. Profit from operations was £4.87 million compared to the £6.73 million of the previous year and loss after taxation was £7.47 million by contrast with £11.66 million over 2003. Debt has fallen to £15 million from the £17.78 million of the previous financial year. Despite landing a five-year £15 million sponsorship deal with sportswear giants Nike, Martin O'Neill has been told the PlC will have to remain stringent in order to wipe out the debt. Brian Quinn warned shareholders that the club must remain careful for the foreseeable future: 'That's likely to continue unless we do better in European competition than we expect. But we keep working away at bringing more money into the club and Peter (chief executive Lawwell) can take credit for the Nike deal. I don't like losses but they have come from what happened a couple of years ago when players signed huge contracts and the transfer fees were high. That time has passed and we are going to need a bit of time to work through that. People shouldn't be surprised by the losses and we are continuing to cut the losses. We have a big challenge and we will combine the football success with financial stability. It does mean that there will be losses before we come out of them. There is no guarantee that if we splash the cash more success will follow. There are clubs who have got themselves into serious trouble by spending money and have had to sell their players (Wonder who he meant there? Ed). We have not had to sell players and we have retained the quality of our squad so we are not under pressure. I am not going to put Celtic in a position where we have to sell.'

Peter Lawwell defended his fellow board members by insisting the budget did take into account new contracts for the club's top senior and young players: 'Martin had a budget and he had some flexibility but he used that. We have spent a vast amount of our incomings on the team on the field and secured some of the senior players like Alan Thompson, Chris Sutton and Jackie McNamara and up-and-coming players like Shaun Maloney, David Marshall, John Kennedy and Aiden McGeady.'

The most heated exchange of the afternoon came when a supporter accused Dermot of 'treating the club with contempt' with his non-appearance. Quinn replied: 'We don't have to accept abuse or personal remarks attacking board members. You don't know how lucky you are with Dermot Desmond. He subscribed to £15 million of our last share issue and he has lost millions of pounds in this club. The reason you have Martin O'Neill here is because Dermot Desmond brought him here. The directors of this club put in time at the club above and beyond the call of duty and I'm getting fed up being told things which are not true.' Quinn later told the media , 'I think it is an impertinence to say he should just put another X million into the club after everything he has done. I sit next to Dermot at matches and I can tell you he is a real supporter.'

Thursday 14th The Evening Times publishes the 'first picture of a spectacular development that will create 2,000 jobs and regenerate Govan', which turns out to be nothing more than a drawing of the Huns' latest get rich quick scheme, a casino with a football pitch on the roof, called 'Ibrox Sands'. Despite the fact that the whole thing was spookily reminiscent of Kevin Kelly (who he? Ed) meandering around a toxic swamp somewhere near Cambuslang holding a similar drawing of a space-age Celtic stadium, David Joliffe, Rangers' director of finance, was able to keep a straight face the whole way through his press conference, even while delivering priceless gems such as this, in answer to a question about whether the association of Ibrox Sands with Rangers might deter supporters of other clubs from going there: 'Everyone will be welcome and I think the facilities will be just too good that no one will be able to resist coming.'

Friday 15th Long-lost signing David Fernandez is reported on the official Celtic website as saying, 'I've been running for two hours almost every day for the past three months, so my general fitness is quite good.' It also suggests that he should be about halfway to Vladivostok by now.

Saturday 16th Scotland's turd force come to town in the shape of the Jammed Farts but they come well and truly unstuck thanks to goals from Henri Camara, John Hartson and his first in the Hoops from Juninho.

Monday 18th Celtic youth coach Jim McInally is named as the new manager of Morton.

The ref appointed to take charge of Wednesday's Champions League match between Shakhtar and Celtic warms up by abandoning a Dutch first division game involving Den Haag and PSV Eindhoven. Rene Temmink called it a day during the second half after he took exception to anti-Semetic chants aimed at him by den Haag fans. 'I won't take this, it is unacceptable', he said.

Tuesday 19th Henri Camara's Christmas card from the Midlands might be getting lost in the post following today's press conference during which he paid a glowing tribute to his former employers: 'Whatever happens I am never going to go back to Wolves. I'm playing in the Champions League and learning. That's how you progress. I need to progress, that's why it's important I never go back to Wolves. I am now with a huge club and playing for incredible fans and I don't want to take a step down. If I can score goals and keep Celtic in this competition then the club will make more money and that might make it easier for me to stay.'

Everton deny reports that defender Gary Naysmith has turned down the chance to extend his contract and could be leaving next summer with Celtic ready and waiting to sign him. 'Discussions between ourselves and Gary's representatives are continuing,' chief executive Keith Wyness told the Everton website. 'We are looking at the possibility of extending his contract.'

Having coached Steua Bucharest to victory against the Orcs a couple of years ago, at the pre-match press conference in the Ukraine, Mircea Lucescu, coach of Shakhtar Donetsk, offered the assembled hacks his verdict on the relative merits of Celtic and the Huns: 'Celtic are the better team. Maybe it will be more difficult this time because Celtic are more experienced than Rangers were. Milan were lucky to win here and I thought Barcelona were lucky against Celtic in Glasgow.'

Wednesday 20th Another Champions League horror show to follow the beating by Barca and the mugging by Milan as the Hoops are shagged by Shakhtar. A half-time score of 0:0 allowed us to get carried away with a brief flurry of optimism before a grizzly six-minute spell at the start of the second period saw the Ukrainians bolt into a 2:0 lead after 63 minutes. The rout was completed in the 78th minute.

Thursday 21st Neil Lennon is reported in the papers this morning as saying that Celtic risk becoming Champions League 'whipping boys' if the board refuse to shell out more money for players: 'If we are to progress in this competition then obviously we have to spend eventually. We have put in so much good work in Europe and we don't want that to start ebbing away, but it's looking that way at the minute unless we can strengthen the squad. Maybe not now but definitely next season. If that doesn't happen then we're just going to be the whipping boys all the time. We can't keep making excuses about the squad not being big enough... We have come up against far better teams than Shakhtar and that's not being disrespectful. We have put up some decent performances before but perhaps the team and squad is not as good as it was a year or two ago. That's not for the players or the manager, it's for the people upstairs to look at. I can't tell the board what to do. However, I think if the club could get a wee bit of backing we could really go places with this manager but, right now, we seem to be going backwards, rather than forwards. And on the evidence of this game we are a long way away.'

Having been dismissed by the hacks as diddies a few weeks ago after their failure to beat Celtic, the Huns are officially reinstated as world beaters again as they win 5:0 away from home in the UEFA Cup against the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory Works Team from Poland.

Friday 22nd With Martin O'Neill and John Robertson away attending a memorial service for the late Brian Clough, it was left to coach Steve Walford to oversee the Friday press conference, an opportunity he took to reply to some of Neil Lennon's comments from the previous day: 'I don't think those quotes have been made if we'd got a result on Wednesday. That was disappointment that we lost to a team we should have beaten. You would be disappointed with that but I wouldn't say we are actually going backwards. There are a lot of clubs in Scotland and even down south that cannot spend money... You just get on with it and do the best you can for the club. If we haven't got the cash to splash - which we haven't - we can pick up players on free transfers but we really need the good youngsters to play at the highest level.'

Walford was pretty scathing about the ability shown by most of the players in our latest European escapade but tried to sound as upbeat as possible under the circumstances when asked about our prospects for making it any further in either of the major competitions: 'You need to keep the ball, you need to be able to pass the ball. We have one or two that are pretty good at it, and with one or two, we don't know what they are doing with the ball. In Europe, you do need to be able to actually play the ball.... We have two home games left, and our home record in Europe is pretty good, so we will be looking to get something there, and then see what we can do in Barcelona, where we drew last year. They have only spent about £40m on new players since then.'

Sunday 24th Some English editions of the News of the Screws are reporting that, 'Celtic are ready to make an audacious £5m swoop for Newcastle bad boy Craig Bellamy. The Scottish champions have been put on red alert after the Welsh international's bust-up with Toon boss Graeme Souness this week. Celtic have already made an initial inquiry and will follow that up with a firm bid when the transfer window opens in January.'

In the SPL Celtic go 4:0 up against Livingston at Almondvale within half an hour before the home side decide to start playing hardball. Camara is forced to leave the pitch injured and is quickly followed by McManus and Varga. Martin O'Neill later describes some of the Livi tackling as of the 'raw meat' variety but Alan Preston hits back with some seething rebuttal: 'When you play Celtic, you have to compete with them. It's a man's game and that's the way it should be,' he said while smoking a jaw warmer and rubbing dubbin into his steel toe-capped football boots. 'Bobo Balde's hardly a ballerina', he added, obviously aware that Celtic haven't had a ballerina in their defence since Paddy Doo retired in the late 20s - and she was a man.

The Huns are back to being diddies again as they concede a last minute goal to Dundee United at Ibrox to draw 1:1.

Wednesday 27th The Celtic Charity Fund (aka the Sieve) is in fine Buster Keaton form tonight as they gift Aberdeen a most unlikely 3:2 win at Fortress Parkhead. Two down before most of the crowd had even sat down, the Hoops fought back to 2:2 but were caught out again in time added on as they went for the win.

The Huns beat Dunfermline at East End Park having been a goal down themselves.

Thursday 28th More good news ahead of the Shakhtar Donetsk game as Celtic announce that Chris Sutton is out for 'the next few weeks' with a chest muscle injury.

Saturday 30th An away win at Fir Park but not without more calamities at the heart of the defence. A two goal lead is squandered before sub Craig Beattie scores a late (ish) winner. This kind of thing just isn't funny any more.

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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