october 2003 .

Friday 3rd Speaking at the Celtic AGM , Chairman Brian Quinn half promises the manager some money to spend in the transfer market: 'Let's see if we can qualify for the second stage of the Champions League and then we can strengthen the team, although it may be that we'll have to sell before we can buy.' (For a full report on the AGM go here).

With the Cat in the Hat doing his crunch about having to play the Old Firm game so soon after Panathinaikos, Martin O'Neill reveals that he would have switched the game to a Sunday to accommodate the Huns had he been asked.

Just what we need. Scotland coach Berti Vogts has decided to dabble in managing Celtic as well. 'Maybe Rab Douglas', says Berti, 'Will have to change clubs. He must play in a lot of club matches before he can be picked for his country', quoth the boss who picked Jamie Smith to play against the Republic of Ireland on the basis of four starts in the Celtic first team last season.

Saturday 4th Celtic win the first Old Firm game of the season by 1:0 going on 4:0 and go back to the top of the league. A superb tactical performance all round is capped by outstanding performances from all of the 'makeshift defence', particularly Chris Sutton. Speaking before the match Nuno Capucho said that he didn't think the Celtic fans would single him out for abuse because of his history with Porto. In the end the Celtic fans were full of praise for his fifth columnist performance as a spectator on the right wing. Celtic fans also leave the ground talking of another Rangers signing as Egil Ostenstad turns in a display that could see him being hailed soon as the new Peter van Vossen.

Sunday 5th Punters who had backed John Hartson at 7-1 will get their money after bookies had originally given the goal as an o.g. by Zurab Gizalafatyi. Mark 'Scoop' Guidi in the Mail has no doubt where the credit for this lies: 'The controversial strike... will be recorded as Hartson's thanks to Mailsport. When Mailsport confronted the bookies with complaints from raging punters betting shops all over the country were forced into an embarrassing climbdown.'

Meanwhile, over at the News of the Screws, 'Celtic fans had cause for a double celebration last night as they won the first Old Firm game of the season and Sport of the World forced bookies to pay out on John Hartson's crucial strike. William Hills and Ladbrokes refused to cough up... but within hours of our intervention they had done a U-turn.'

Let's hear it for the tabloids, where would Celtic be without them?

Monday 6th Despite Alex McLeish being a 'magician' and having the hex over Martin O'Neill, it has emerged that the latest Old Firm result means that if the Huns fail to win any of the games between the two sides this season it will be the worst run of league results in their history. Celtic have now avoided defeat in all but one of the last eleven derby matches.

John Hartson is named Wales Player of the Year for the second time in three years. The panel were originally going to give the award to Ryan Giggs before Mailsport and Sport of the World intervened.

Tuesday 7th Celtic announce the result of the share ballot called for on the day of the AGM to resolve the issue of an elected fan representative on the board. With one share counting for one vote and with the majority shareholders all on the existing board, as expected the result went in favour of the status quo with 94% of the shares being cast in votes against the Celtic Trust's resolution. The CT remained upbeat in the wake of the result, nonetheless, and expressed that support for the motion had more than doubled from last year to 5.89%.

Friday 10th Like a grizzled old mongrel gnawing away at the gnarled leftovers of a well chewed bone the Evening Times once again gives over more column inches to the Martin O'Neill for Spurs story: 'Robbie Keane is convinced Celtic manager Martin O'Neill is high on the list to replace Glenn Hoddle.'

Tuesday 14th After lengthy absences through injury, Johan Mjallby and Joos Valgaeren return to football action in the Under-21 team's 6:0 win against Motherwell at Fir Park.

Saturday 17th After beating the Sons of William at Ibrox Celtic complete the double and show up the Third Force in Scottish football as little more than the turd force by thrashing the Cousins of William 5:0 at Parkhead. The result leaves the Hoops four points clear at the top of the SPL. Hearts goalie Tepi Moilanen has applied to have his name changed by deed poll to Tepi Letfivein.

Sunday 19th Kenny McDonald can't wait to tell us in a News of the Screws exclusive (what else?) that, 'Alex McLeish will REFUSE (Screws' capitals) to let Rangers predecessor Dick Advocaat use Murray Park as Holland's play-off training ground'. 'I'm sure Dick's a patriot', the Cat is quoted as saying, 'Well so am I!' McLeish is also quoted as saying that, 'We haven't been asked by Dick but I wouldn't be in favour.'

Meanwhile, tabloid rivals Mailsport also pick up on the story, calling into question both its exclusivity and the gullibility of anybody daft enough to be taken in by its content. According to Gordon Waddell, 'Proud Scot Eck admitted the Dutch manager had asked for access to Gers' £12 million complex... 'Yes, Dick asked me if he could use Murray Park but I said no. I told him you're a patriot and so am I''.

Hold on, is that the same proud Scot and patriot who let Souness use Auchenhowie when his team from England were trying to knock Celtic out of the UEFA Cup last season? I think we should be told.

In the BBC's live televised game in the afternoon, plucky Rangers hold Motherwell to a 1:1 draw at Fir Park. Circling over the carrion like a vulture is Alex Ferguson, manager of the Huns' next opponents in the Champions League, so confident of victory that he leaves twenty minutes before the end of the game. Nice to see that our first impressions of Egil Ostenstad were not misleading. On this showing he fully deserves a long-term contract, although this will probably be giving toddlers rides on the beach at Blackpool rather than playing football.

Tuesday 21st Celtic play to form in the Champions League round three match against Anderlecht in Brussels. Unfortunately it's our away Champions League form and the Belgians run out deserved winners by 1:0, despite having to play three-quarters of the game with ten men. Anderlecht might have lost de Boeck but it was us who ended up getting the boak. Hartson has a goal wrongly disallowed for offside but overall it's another lacklustre performance in the CL away from Fortress Parkhead. It's still all to play for in Group A as Bayern and Lyon draw 1:1. Nonetheless, the pressure's now on for the return match against the Belgians in two weeks time.

Wednesday 22nd The long-awaited Battle of Britain takes place at the Death Star. Ibrox officials stage manage a pre-match Nuremberg Rally which is so sanitised the bears are given song sheets with the words on them because none of them had ever heard them before. The singing is led by the three tenors, which coincidentally is the number of bets I laid with the bookies that Manchester United would win. It's not long before the official pre-match party is over and a lusty chorus of the Billy Boys rents the Kinning Park air. Alas, midway through the first verse of the Sash, which followed shortly after, the game was over. For the remaining 85 minutes the locals had to content themselves with venting their spleen in the direction of Roy Keane. Another special European occasion indeed.

Thursday 23rd Just in case you were feeling too smug after last night's result the Record reports that, 'Henrik Larsson has added to Celtic's post-Anderlecht gloom by insisting he will quit Parkhead in May.' You can't help but get the feeling that this is one which will be trotted out at depressingly regular intervals as the season progresses.

Celtic are asking the SFA for compensation to cover the loss of Paul Lambert who was injured while on international duty against Germany on September 9th.

The most extraordinary story to emerge from Brussels concerns a young Celtic fan who was accidentally knocked down on his way to the stadium and taken to hospital in the Belgian capital. However, he insisted on checking himself out in order to get to the game, during which the public address was constantly calling for him to get urgent medical attention. Ignoring the calls to seek help he returned to Glasgow after the match by bus, supporting his neck by wrapping his Celtic scarf around it in a collar to help ease the discomfort. Thursday morning he took himself into A&E in the Western, as the pain had not gone away and he thought he would have it looked at. He arrived still wearing the scarf as a collar. On examining him, staff at the hospital were horrified as his neck was broken ( one vertebrae was totally crushed) and the only thing saving him from being paralysed from the neck down was his scarf!

He has now undergone surgery and is in recovery. Miraculous power of the hoops on the scarf or what!

Saturday 25th In the early kickoff at Pleasantville, plucky Rangers once again manage a point on their travels, thanks mainly to the heroics of their goalie who saves a penalty. It's enough to have some of the Laptop Loyal declare a mini crisis.

In the afternoon, Aberdeen turn up at Parkhead for their ritual going over. Stout defending keeps the score to a relatively modest four, with Henrik Larsson netting another hat-trick. This leaves Celtic five points clear at the top of the league table and Dons manager Steve Paterson with a selection headache... he shouldn't have selected that other bottle of Scotch on Friday night.

Sunday 26th The big exclusive on the front page of this morning's News of the Screws is a report by Jules Stenson claiming that, 'Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson hired an SAS task force to spy on Celtic ace Chris Sutton.' It turns out that the revelation comes from a book written by ex-Old Trafford head of security Ned Kelly. Apparently Sutton was once a transfer target of Ferguson's and the SAS squad were simply tailing him in order to make sure he wasn't doing anything unsavoury in his private life. NTV can exclusively reveal that there is no truth in the rumour that Rangers hired a similar group to carry out an undercover operation when they were first interested in signing Fernando Ricksen, but the undercover squad were from Hezbollah and they reported that Ricksen was OK.

In the Screws' sports section, Gerry McNee gives over his column to a fulmination on the subject of the Ibrox crowd at the previous Wednesday's Champions League match: 'I sat at the back of Ibrox stadium's main stand on Wednesday night and wondered what kind of person would want to own, be chairman, director or manager of Rangers Football Club in the 21st century. What pleasure can be derived from looking into a sectarian pit so deep their fans in Australia are visible? ... From the San Siro to the Nou Camp to the Stade de France and beyond I've stood in awe at magnificent cosmopolitan nights. At Ibrox my stomach churned at the sight of a primeval gathering. It was pernicious, poisonous, virulent, evil. There are not enough words to describe the atmosphere. Yet so many, including the media, accept it as the norm.' Hmm, sounds like he didn't really have as good a time as some of his fellow hacks.

Tuesday 28th in this morning's Daily Record reporter Carl Askew (askew by name and also by nature) hacks out a few hundred words on why former Parkhead legend Olivier 'Bombscare' Tebilly reckons Martin O'Neill 'isn't a patch' on Birmingham City boss Steve Bruce. It couldn't be anything to do with the fact that one gives big Olly a game and the other wouldn't could it?

The CIS Cup throws up its usual quota of shocks as St. Johnstone knock out SPL big boys Dunfermline (chortle) while plucky Rangers beat strongly fancied Forfar Athletic. The Kinning Park side missed out on a bye into the semis as they would have faced Dunfermline in the quarter finals but instead will have to try and overcome a Billy Stark/ Simon Donnelly inspired St. Johnstone.

Celtic's tie against Partick Thistle will now go ahead after all the other quarter finals have taken place in the first week of December. Hibs at Easter Road lie in wait.

Wednesday 29th Paul Lambert says he hopes to be playing again by the middle of November. Apparently a German consultant has told the player that the injury he suffered is not career threatening and that with proper care he should be able to keep playing for another five years.

As the papers gear up for the transfer window in January, martin O''Neill has revealed that he has made an enquiry about Motherwell's Stephen Pearson (seen below trying to hypnotise a ball). We can only hope it doesn't end up the same way as the enquiry he made about Motherwell's other wonder kid before the last transfer deadline.

Friday 31st Liam Miller is the SPL's Young Player of the Month for October and Martin O'Neill picks up the Manager of the Month award, just pipping hot favourite Alex McLeish. Despite going most of the month without a victory, the Rangers boss came on strong towards the end by utilising all of his tactical genius to guide his team to a 6:0 win against Forfar and was widely expected to pick up the award for the fifteenth month in a row. Equally surprising was Christian Nerlinger not winning the Player of the Month after his superb hat-trick against the Angus side in the same pulsating cup tie.

November Saturday 1st Celtic get the early kickoff slot this weekend and give Kilmarnock a going over own their own pitch, eventually winning 5:0. Hugh Dallas stuns the visiting fans by awarding Celtic the kind of penalty normally reserved for the Huns to get the scoreboard ticking over. Jim Jeffries wasnÕt happy - now thereÕs a first - and brands Dallas a ÒdisgraceÓ. In the afternoon cash-strapped Rangers beat Partick Thistle 3:1 in a hard-fought local derby at Ibrox. Bring on Manchester United! HACKWATCHER

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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