october 2002

thursday 3rd In the build up to the evening's big match, The cat In The Hat outlines his football philosophy to assembled hacks at Murray Park. On the necessity for the Huns to overturn a two goal deficit for the first time in their European history he says, "It's not a case of pi R squared plus x equals a goal. Football is much simpler than that." As are the hacks, who variously report the mathematical symbol pi as "pie" (as in Derek Johnstone) or pye, as in the record label (Ewing Grahame in the Herald).

In the evening's big pay-per-view spectacular from Eastern Europe Celtic easily dispose of Suduva by 2:0 going on seven.

Given his chance to write his own wee bit of Ibrox history - by actually winning a European tie - The Cat in the Hat's boys look to be through on aggregate only to blow it in the dying minutes of the game when they concede the kind of goal you can see on any public park on a Saturday morning. A nation weeps and financial meltdown beckons in the wake of this result.

sunday 6th Mark 'Scoop' Guidi exclusively reports in the Sunday Mason that Peter Lovenkrands is being actively pursued by Inter Milan who are ready to move in with a bid of £6 million in January, so impressed have they been with his 'sizzling form' recently. Viktoria Zizkov are waiting in the wings should the move to Milan fail to materialise.

saturday 12th Rab Douglas, Paul Lambert and Jackie McNamara all take part in Scotland's 2:0 victory over Iceland in Reykjavik. Stilian Petrov scores for Bulgaria in their 2:0 win at home to Croatia while Joos Valgaeren plays the full 90 minutes in Belgium's 1:0 victory against Andorra.

sunday 13th Tony Rees's (who he? - ed) 'big exclusive' in the News of the Screws is that Martin O'Neill has told John Hartson he can leave Celtic in January.

Elsewhere in the Screws, "Norwegian legend" Eigil Olsen pipes up on the question of Tore Andre Flo's time at Ibrox. "It was a sad day for me when Flo signed for Rangers and it was painful watching him play while he was there... It damaged Flo as a player and Rangers are to blame."

The Sunday Mason's Old Firm exclusive is by Lynn McPherson and concerns Barry Ferguson's plan to buy a caravan. Apparently Bammy has settled on the 'Cosalt Madeira' model but wasn't too happy about the colour. A park 'insider' is quoted as saying, "Because of the natural feel park owners are keen to promote, caravans tend to come in colours such as green... which blend in better with the landscape. He wanted to know if the model he was after came in blue."

The Frank McAvennie Testimonial goes ahead at Love Street between the Celtic All Stars and the St. Mirren All Stars (surely some poetic licence on the part of the organisers with the latter team name?). The Celtic side featured Andy Walker, Derek Whyte, Paul McStay, Tommy Burns, Jim Duffy, Willie McStay, Frank McGarvey, Allen McKnight and, of course, the man himself. Such was the response to McAvennie's financial plight - the reason for staging the match - that a crowd of 430 turned up. McAvennie was introduced to the crowd at the start of proceedings. By half time he must have been on first name terms with the majority of them.

thursday 17th Talks between the board and Martin O'Neill over the manager's future at Celtic take place at CP. Lasting from ten in the morning until six at night, neither side is willing to comment out the outcome. Celtic announce that they are taking steps to involve supporters in the release of next season's Hoops. Fans have been asked to contribute to the design of what will be the strip which will commemorate 100 years in the Hoops. In another fine example of marketing gobbledegook, a Celtic spokeswoman said that, "Focus groups of fans give the club the chance to keep in touch with the way supporters think about Celtic the club and the brand."

Darrell King exclusively reveals in the Evening Times that "Italian giants" Parma are tracking "Motherwell wonder kid" James McFadden as the next Freddie Ljungberg. Wily manager Arrigo Sacchi has apparently sent his European scouts to keep an eye on McFadden's progress over the past three months.

saturday 19th Rangers beat Motherwell at Ibrox with the away team having a player sent off. Quelle surprise!

sunday 20th Today's 'set to swoop' story appears in the Sunday Mason: "Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp is set to swoop for Celtic star John Hartson when the transfer window opens in January." (Gavin Berry)

Some advice on the timing of Martin O'Neill's announcement over his managerial future in the Mason as well. "Every coach in the world has the right to do what he thinks is right for him and his family. Not everyone will agree with his decision but everyone must respect it." So said Wim Jansen, master of the well-timed resignation speech.

A familiar name also crops up in the Sunday Mason hotline (see September 26th): "Billy Sword is still fed up with his team Dundee United after the sacking of Alex Smith. Tannadice regular Billy said: 'How can you throw away a two goal lead against Livingston? They should give the manager's job to Billy Smart...'" Either Billy is at it or the hacks at the Mason are making this shit up.

Arrigo Sacchi's interest in Scottish football does not only extend as far as checking out the hairstyles of provincial stars, if John McGarry in the News of the Screws is to be believed: "Parma have joined Serie A rivals Inter Milan in the hunt for Peter Lovenkrands."

In the afternoon, Celtic beat Hearts 4:1 at Tynecastle. Larsson's dismal form continues with a meagre two goals.

wednesday 24th Celtic beat Inverness Caley 4:2 in the CIS Cup. Exorcism is complete.

thursday 25th the Huns finally manage to scrape through their CIS Cup tie at Easter Road. For the sixth time this season their opponents are reduced to ten men. In the post-match draw for the quarter finals Celtic get a home tie against Thistle while the Huns have to travel to East End Park.

sunday 27th The Hoops warm up for the visit of Blackburn with a regulation 4:1 away win at Dunfermline. As part of their build up to the UEFA Cup tie in midweek both major Sunday tabloids feature more or less the same interview with Graeme Souness (both exclusives as well, coincidentally). "I can't tell you my record at Parkhead off the top of my head", says Sadam in the Screws, "But I know we won more than we lost." For the benefit of anybody else out there who might not remember, his record at Parkhead was: played 11; won 3; drawn 2; lost 6.

monday 28th Martin O'Neill denies any interest in signing Nigerian defender Teribo West after the player turned down the chance to play for Dunfermline. Pars Chairman John Yorkston hinted that one of the reasons that his club could not agree terms with the player was that "We were told there were other clubs interested in him, including one in Scotland... but you'll have to ask Martin about that." O'Neill was indeed asked, and replied, "There's more chance of me signing that bloke John West from the salmon people."

tuesday 29th In a remarkable gesture of solidarity with Scotland's sole remaining representative in European competition, the Huns open the doors of Auchenhowie wide to welcome our opponents, Blackburn Rovers.

wednesday 30th Stilian Petrov is one of the featured players in this week's issue of Pravda. "I am happy to stay with Celtic", Stan the man is quoted as saying of his forthcoming contract negotiations. Equally forthright on comments attributed to him concerning the fate of himself and a few others should OFM decide his future lies elsewhere, Petrov says, "I didn't say the things that were in the papers... He is a brilliant manager and I hope that he stays, but I would still be happy to be at Celtic even if he did decide not to stay on."

A spokesman for the English FA says that Sven Goran Eriksson "Is planning to be in Glasgow on Thursday to look at a couple of players." Despite the Blackburn Rovers team having a few candidates for international caps, the Scottish papers automatically assume he's coming to watch Chris Sutton.

thursday 31st Despite having had the benefit of preparing for the match in the sumptuous surroundings of the Death Star's smaller satellite in Lower Drumchapel - which in itself bestows upon the user magic powers - Sadam's boys lose by a single goal at Celtic Park courtesy of the King of Kings. Although worthy in his own febrile imagination of a hostile reception from the home fans on the grounds that this somehow bestows on him some kind of bizarre backhanded compliment, Adolf is largely ignored throughout the evening. Not even so much as a quick chorus of "Pee-ness" for old times sake, much to his chagrin. The pre-match highlight is a rousing rendition of Walk On, recorded for issuing on CD later in the month.

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