november 2005

Tuesday 1st Stilian Petrov has started talks aimed at extending his stay in Glasgow. 'I've had a few conversations with Celtic and in the next few weeks we'll meet again and see what is going to happen,' he told the official website. 'I'm the type of player who has big ambitions and I think the club can match those ambitions. I've always been happy to play for this club and I'll continue like that. I've already told Celtic they'll be the first I speak to and find out what they're thinking and what we're going to do. We'll see then if we can come to an agreement. '

Artmedia 2 Rangers 2 in the Champs League and STV have their entry for this year's Montreaux Comedy Festival Award in the can, a hilarious sketch featuring Ronald Wattereus and Brahim Hemdani called, 'Eck - There's Yer P45'.

Wednesday 2nd Speaking of Celtic's upcoming share issue, Chairman Brian Quinn insists Celtic are not taking advantage of supporters. 'I've heard it suggested we are ripping off our supporters or going to the well too often,' said Quinn. 'If you look at the offer document, it is an offer. We are saying to the Celtic fans, here is an offer and it's up to you whether you want to respond.'

Friday 4th Good performances throughout October have brought rewards to Gordon Strachan and Stilian Petrov, respectively named manager and player of the month today.

Big announcement from the Death Star is that Stefan Klos will replace Ronald Wattereus in goal for the weekend's match at home to Aberdeen: 'We're fortunate that we have two top quality keepers and we have to be the envy of many clubs,' said the Cat in the Hat with a straight face. 'We have two really great goalkeepers. It would be great to have that luxury in every position.'

Saturday 5th David McCarthy cobbles together a back page for the Record by quoting at length from an interview Dermot Desmond did for the golf magazine 'Bunkered' (which is, indeed, what McCarthy should be). The man who this week underwrote Celtic's latest £15million share issue spoke in the interview about his love for Celtic and talked about his frequent meetings with fans on the golf course: 'Yes, they do often come up to me and it is nice to meet them. They are passionate about the club, just as I am, and I enjoy their camaraderie. The only time I don't like people coming up is when they say you should be putting more money into the club because that's the only cure. Everyone thinks that you can be an Abramovich and all your problems are solved but that's not the way I will proceed at Celtic.' Resulting headline: I'M SICK OF CELTS ASKING ME FOR MONEY.

Somewhat more wholesome matters in the afternoon as the Brother Walfrid Statue is unveiled outside the main entrance at Celtic Park. Created by sculptor Kate Robinson and solely financed by Celtic supporters, the ceremony is marked by attendance from Fergus McCann, past and present Celtic players, officials and custodians, as well as Church, political, sporting and community representatives from all over Scotland and beyond, reflecting the essential nature, distinctiveness as well as openness and symbolism of the Club. The statue is unveiled by Chairman Brian Quinn, Sean Fallon, as well as a grand niece and grand nephew of Brother Walfrid and two refugees from the contemporary refugee community in Glasgow. Music composed for the event is by James MacMillan and entitled 'Walfrid, on His Arrival at the Gates of Paradise'. A grand day out was had by all.

Back at the Death Star, plucky cash-strapped Rangers once again delight the home fans with a hard fought point in another stultifying scoreless draw, although Aberdeen had a claim for a penalty denied by Stuart Dougal. 'The boys said he had his whistle in his mouth,' said Jimmy Calderwood, 'He must have realised it was in the box and changed his mind.'

'Celtic will bring out the best in us,' opined the large Greek meatball who runs around the Rangers defence.

Sunday 6th A comfortable 3:0 away win at Falkirk for the Bhoys, the highlight of the afternoon being John Hartson's 100th goal for the Hoops and a chant of 'Super Mo Camara'. No, it wasn't aimed sarcastically from the home fans.

Tuesday 8th Gordon Strachan refuses to confirm reports in this morning's Daily Rectum that he is trailing South Africa's Steven Pienaar, currently playing for Ajax. 'What I can tell you is the truth and we deal just now with club's agents and different people, like scouts, to bring in players,' he said. The Retard had reported that Pienaar's adviser, Rob Moore, had been in Glasgow last week for talks with Strachan and Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell.

Wednesday 9th No giant-killing act in the quarter final of the CIS Cup as plucky cash-strapped Rangers are easily beaten by 2:0 at Celtic Park. Shaun Maloney opens the scoring with a superb long-range drive and Stefan Klos bundles one into his own net for the second, and isn't Alex McLeish lucky to have him. The Greek Meatball completes the evening's entertainment by getting himself sent off for sarcastically applauding the linesman and thereby earning himself a second yellow card. That's right, the same linesman who disallowed a perfectly legitimate Celtic goal for offside.

Gordon Strachan was predictably delighted with the performance of his team: 'We had to work incredibly hard at times to win the ball out there. (Tongue in cheek there I think - Ed) We stayed above the often scary atmosphere in terms of how you expect an Old Firm tie to be played. The result is first and foremost. But to play like that is an added bonus and weÕre feeling good about ourselves.'

The genius that is Eck, by contrast, sounded like someone about to walk the plank: 'It's not easy at the moment, but we'll keep soldiering on,' he said, although it's looking increasingly likely that he's got more chance of getting a job as a welder in the near future in order to keep soldering on.

Saturday 12th Celtic could move to sign Aberdeen defender Kevin McNaughton for next season, says his agent, John Viola. In a move in no way calculated to enhance his player's bargaining position with the Pittodrie board, Viola told the Aberdeen Press & Journal: 'Kevin is out of contract soon and we are still wanting to speak to Aberdeen about a new deal. But Celtic have shown an interest in taking him to Parkhead for the start of next season.'

In the wake of his latest CIS Cup defeat at Celtic Park, Alex McLeish has been busy reassuring denizens of the Death Star that he will never walk away from Ibrox willingly. He told the UEFA Champions League magazine: 'I'm not one to shout about individual triumphs but I don't think my record is too bad at all... I know that doing well in Europe reflects well on the club and the manager.' Despite Eck's assurances that he's going nowhere, Darrell King and Thomas Jordan report in the Evening Times that, 'Frenchman Paul Le Guen is tipped to replace under-fire Alex McLeish as Rangers manager.' Lest anyone be in any doubt as to Le Guen's pedigree the gruesome twosome describe him as 'the Jose Mourinho of France'.

Sunday 13th 'He's Al yours' is the big exclusive by Kenny MacDonald on the back page of this morning's News of the Screws, as the ace reporter reveals that 'Rangers' hopes of landing Alan Curbishley as their manager have been boosted by the news that he has a secret get-out clause in his Charlton contract... Gers Chairman David Murray is a big admirer of the job Curbishley has done on a limited budget in his 14 years at the Valley... With Paul Le Guen apparently no longer a candidate for the post Curbishley remains a firm contender.'

Over at the Screws' rivals, meanwhile, Gavin Berry and Euan McLean in Masonsport claim that, 'Charlton chairman Martin Simmons last night warned Rangers they have NO CHANCE of landing Alan Curbishley.'

BBC Scotland's website reports that Brian Laudrup has dismissed suggestions that he and his brother Michael have been lined up as replacements for the Eckmeister while at the same time, 'Widely-tipped Paul Le Guen's agent, Frederic Guerra, has told the Sunday Herald that the former Lyon manager would prefer to remain in his role as a television consultant if any approach was made by Rangers. Guerra said that Le Guen, who has reportedly rejected approaches from, Benfica, Lazio, Stuttgart, Fenerbahce and Dynamo Kiev, would not be returning to coaching until next season and that no approach had been made by the Scottish champions... Former Monaco coach Didier Deschamps has refused to comment about the Rangers job. And former Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld has said he would not be interested. Meanwhile, former Hearts manager George Burley, Fenerbahce coach Christophe Daum, Motherwell boss Terry Butcher and Newcastle United's Graeme Souness have all been linked with the Rangers job.'

Steve Freeth of Bet 365 is quoted in the Screws as saying that 'It's unthinkable that we are offering 7/4 on Rangers finishing outside the top three this season but their failure to beat teams like Dundee United, Livingston, Inverness and Aberdeen has helped us as Rangers are blindly put into most accumulator bets each weekend!'

Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell tells Natasha Woods in the Sunday Herald that fans have no reason to question Dermot Desmond's commitment or intentions towards the club after the Irishman guaranteed to provide the money needed to build a new £10 million training complex: 'His objectives have always been clear to those on the inside, but now there can be no question in terms of Dermot's commitment to the club both financially and in terms of future plans,' he said. 'He doesn't want to come in and take the club over. He sees Celtic as an emotional investment and he has committed £10m which is brilliant. It is a statement which says I don't want to take over, but I want to help out. But equally he wants the club to be run on a sustainable basis and that is the challenge I've got.'

Lawwell further revealed that early indications gave him encouragement that the share issue would be a success. 'The feedback we've been getting from all levels of shareholders has been very positive - from the £150 guy right up to those of high net worth.'

Monday 14th The SFA is set to reach agreement with Celtic over compensation for John Kennedy who hasn't played in the Hoops since March 2004 when he suffered knee ligament damage in a Scotland friendly at Hampden. The payment - said to be around £250,000 - was confirmed by David Taylor: 'Celtic will receive a compensation payment with respect to John Kennedy's wages following his injury. But that figure is capped at a certain level.'

Celtic midfielder Shunsuke Nakamura believes a combination of Gordon Strachan's tactical prowess and hard work on the training pitches have been the crucial factors in Celtic's recent good run. 'The team is going into games confident that, if we concentrate for 90 minutes, we will gain good results. We are also gaining a clearer understanding of each other's style and you don't see players left on their own. We can always be placed to help a team-mate. For example, when Aiden McGeady plays on the left of midfield, he likes to attack and the manager asks me to take a more defensive approach. Neil Lennon supports behind McGeady to cover the opposition's right-sided midfielder . The team is in a really good place right now. Myself and Paul Telfer have also worked hard in training to learn each other's game and we understand each other's movements now. Obviously, there are more things for us to work on as a team and we cannot expect to improve if we do not aim for a higher standard. We are top of the league, but that does not concern the players at this moment. The only important thing is whether we are at the top at the end of the season. We need to avoid letting our current standing affect us, and just focus on playing our style of football.'

Henrik Larsson is being widely quoted in the media today as saying that he believes Celtic missed an opportunity by not investing more money in players after his exit: 'Maybe they should have built on two years ago when we reached a European final. We had a team able to compete at that level. With a few more players we could have gone on like that for more years. For whatever reason they decided not to build and instead took a gamble on the players they had, that they would be able to achieve something similar. Was that lack of money? I don't know, I can't see it. Wherever you go there are Celtic fans. There is a full house at every home game. The money must be there somewhere.'

Here's a clue Henke - check your bank balance.

Dignity FC manager Alex McLeish has been given three games to save his job by his chairman David Murray as the Orcs trail Celtic and Hearts by 12 points with just two wins from their last 11 matches. Murray told Mordor's official website: 'After a return from a short break, Alex McLeish, Martin Bain and myself met today in Edinburgh to discuss the club's current situation. Due to speculation, it was important to clarify the outcome of the meeting. Although we fully recognise we are going through a difficult period, we collectively felt that the manager should be given the opportunity to improve our overall current performance, given the success of his career thus far. We will review progress at the beginning of December and assess the club`s current situation at that time.'

The reason for the Huns' cataclysmic spell of dismal form is simple according to Thomas Buffel: 'The manager has never been able to put a team on the field who can work together. It's difficult for the team as well. A team needs habits. That's very important in football,' said the Belgian, picking his nose.

William Hill are offering 25/1 that Rangers can beat Celtic, Porto and Hibs in their next three matches.

Tuesday 15th With Rangers supporters claiming that they are the victims of sectarian policing at Glasgow derbies following the release of arrest statistics, more bad news for followers of Orange parades as the Lodge slates a shake-up in the laws governing marches. Deputy grand master of the Orange Lodges of Scotland James MacLean is claiming that his organisation were the same as the Brownies as he gave evidence to Holyrood's Justice 2 committee: 'Clearly, there is a degree of discrimination. We find that organisations like the Brownies, the STUC, the Scouts Association are deemed OK and within the norms and organisation such as the Orange Order don't have the same privileges.'

Thursday 17th Having been apparently knocked back by one TV pundit for the manager's job, Rangers are now looking at comedians to fill the coaching jobs at Murray Park. Alas, Ally McCoist has rejected the offer to become a member of Dignity Inc.

Friday 18th Previewing tomorrow's league game at Celtic Park, David Murray tells hacks that he was annoyed at the manner of the 2:0 CIS cup defeat and says a similar capitulation will not be acceptable. Alex McLeish, meanwhile, is looking at things completely rationally by hoping that the first time, the Glasgow derby will fly in the face of the form book. Commenting on the increasing pressure he is finding himself under he also insisted that he avoids newspaper, radio or television coverage to protect himself from what he sees as a media 'fantasy world'.

Saturday 19th On the morning of the big match the Daily Mail runs with a story under the headline 'Unhappy Agathe could exit Celtic'. According to the Mail's hack Agathe's agent admits that the defender is likely to leave Celtic unless he regains a first-team spot, although Laurent D'Jaffo believes Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell is still keen for the player to sign a new contract: 'I spoke to Peter two weeks ago and the club is still quite keen on Didier. But, if he is not playing all season, it is obviously difficult to stay at the club.'

The chip wrappers are dominated, though, with kite-flying following Roy Keane's unexpected departure from Old Trafford. Having talked in the past about finishing his career at Celtic Park the hacks have wasted no time in putting two and two together and coming up with pi (or is it pie in the sky?). A 'Celtic spokesman' expressed admiration for the Ireland captain but was quoted as saying that, 'As yet there have been no discussions. If at any time Roy would like to speak to us about his future and Celtic's, we would be only too happy to speak to him. Roy Keane was a magnificent player and servant for Manchester United, but he also knows all about Celtic.'

In the early kick-off afternoon derby, Celtic moved three points clear at the top of the SPL with a comfortable victory. The latest set of nails in Eck's coffin were hammered in by John Hartson, Bobo Balde and Aiden McGeady.

Gordon Strachan sounded a bit underwhelmed after the match: 'Sometimes, when you play and try to pass your way through teams, you get half-chances. We got three good ones and we took them. Our attacking play was probably the difference.'

Sunday 20th Such has been the fevered speculation surrounding Roy Keane that Brian Quinn has been busy responding to the media, particularly with regard to Keane's reputed earnings of £90,000 a week. Quinn told Radio Five Live: 'That's a sum that's out of the question for us.' The Celtic chairman said that he and manager Gordon Strachan had not discussed as yet whether the Hoops would want to sign Keane. Quinn said: 'Would he fit into Gordon's plans? The team is playing very well at the moment and they look settled. You wonder whether you would want interrupt things, but that's up to Gordon. The other question to consider is the business side. We would have to wait and see what Roy Keane is proposing, if indeed he's looking for anything at all from Celtic. When he first talked about leaving United as far as I can see the word Celtic didn't pass his lips.'

Despite this, james Fletcher's exclusive on the back page of the Screws claims that: 'Roy Keane last night vowed to return to Manchester United as manager - after he has finished his playing career at Celtic.

The Screws' big exclusive is that 'Paul Le Guen is the man who will replace Alex McLeish after yesterday's Old Firm derby disaster for Rangers.'

Monday 21st According to this morning's Daily Rectum, Neil Lennon has dismissed Rangers' chances of winning the league this season. What else could any objective reporter make of this comment? 'I wouldn't be so arrogant as to dismiss Rangers completely but 15 points is a hell of a gap. There would have to be a major disaster, a collapse from us. We'd have to lose at least five games and they'd have to win every game. It gives us a fantastic bit of leeway but we still have Hearts to contend with.'

Tuesday 22nd The BBC's sports website reports that: 'Former Lyon coach Paul Le Guen is no longer in the running to be Alex McLeish's successor at Rangers.. it is believed that Le Guen will be joining another club at the end of the season, with Real Madrid favourites.'

The operators of a Rangers supporters website have banned three members after a cartoon was posted on the site depicting Neil Lennon being hung from a scaffold along with a caption reading, 'Hang Neil Lennon, hang him high'. The person in charge of the site said he could not prove it but two people believed to be involved were Celtic supporters and one was a Rangers fan (eh??). Anti-sectarian campaigner, Donald Gorrie MSP, said although the message was childish and distasteful, it was vital to clamp down on such behaviour. Speaking to BBC Radio's Scotland Live programme, Mr. Gorrie said: 'I do think there has to be a clear boundary that people do not go across without getting into serious trouble. It doesn't do the two football clubs, or the supporters associations, any good. People will think they are all a complete lot of bampots - rather than just a few bampots ...' Excuse me Donald, could you explain in what way 'two clubs' are involved here??

Wednesday 23rd At the EGM following the announcement of the latest Celtic share issue, shareholders in the club officially approve the issuing of 50 million new ordinary shares. Neil Lennon says he would welcome the challenge of having Roy Keane at Celtic Park. 'If Roy does come, it will be great,' he told the Evening Times. 'If he doesn't, we carry on regardless. Anyone who wants my place will have to play really, really well because I'm not giving it up easily.'

John Hartson has also expressed his admiration for Keane and says that is the general feeling in the dressing room. 'Roy Keane is a world class player,' he said. 'We have all played against him and we all hold him in the highest regard as a player and a person. He is one of the best there has ever been.'

Keane's agent has denied claiming he expects to receive an approach from Celtic for the Irishman's services. It was reported in the Scottish Sun that Michael Kennedy said he anticipated a call from Celtic. Kennedy was also quoted as saying Keane might not want to drop his wages too far below the reported £90,000 a week he received at Manchester United. However, Kennedy told BBC Sport on Tuesday he had not made such claims. 'Roy is not yet prepared to accept he'll have to compromise. There has been a lot of interest in him and he has a lot to consider. Celtic have not stepped up their interest but we are expecting a call.' Speaking on Tuesday, Kennedy added: 'I heard what Quinn said - but we'll see what happens.'

With their Champions League tie against Rangers coming up, Porto coach Co Adriaanse says Rangers approached him this year. Adriaanse said he had been approached by Rangers but had already committed himself to Porto. 'Celtic approached me in 2000 and Rangers this year,' he said. 'I don't want to tell you the details, but they were very interested in me. But I signed a contract with Porto before the summer.' Adriaanse stressed that he would not be in the running to succeed McLeish. David Murray immediately denied this, claiming that the Dutchman is playing mind games. He also says that Alex McLeish will be among the first to know his successor: 'Let me tell you this, Alex will know who the next manager will be if he has to go,' Murray told BBC Sport. 'But I can assure you I've made no approach to Co Adriaanse .Alex has had a run of bad luck and I told him I'd have to put a backstop on it. But I am very loyal to people. My word is my bond and one thing I can't recover if I break, it is my reputation.'

The result in Porto ends in congratulations for Alex McLeish; the 1:1 draw means that he has now equalled the record for the longest run of results without a win in Mordor's history.

Thursday 24th Neil Lennon announces at a press conference that he has bought shares in the club to help fund a new training academy. 'Celtic have been very good to me the past five years and, as a supporter, long after I've left, at least I'll have put a bit back in. This is an opportunity I never had before. It's just a small investment but I think it is really worthwhile. When it's finished (the academy) it will be something to be proud of and it will match anything in Britain.'

Friday 25th The ball is rolling on a council plan to erect a £75,000 bronze statue in a mainly unionist Ulster town in honour of former Celtic great Bertie Peacock. Coleraine Borough Council will put up the memorial in Peacock's home town to honour his contribution to sport. SDLP councillor Gerry McLaughlin said: 'He really deserves a statue because he was a great ambassador for Coleraine and a great ambassador for humanity. He was a Protestant who captained Glasgow Celtic but religion was never an issue for him.' Coleraine UUP councillor Norman Hillis said: 'All councillors of all shades were 100% in support of some permanent memorial and it is not often we all agree on anything.'

Alex Ferguson has become the latest manager to run a mile from speculation linking him with the pending vacancy at the Death Star: 'As I have said many times before, when my career with United comes to an end, I'll be finished with football. I spoke to him (McLeish) a couple of days ago and he was really laid back about the whole thing, which tells you everything.' Hmmm, quite.

Saturday 26th Talk about a coupon buster as Dunfermline - only able to name six substitutes due to injuries and having suffered seven straight defeats - win 1:0 at Celtic Park. The fans marked the passing of George Best with a minute's applause before the kick off. That was the only reason for applause all afternoon.

Gordon Strachan admitted afterwards that he had got the tactics wrong: 'Our style of play was not working in the first 20 minutes and we tried to get that message to the players. We switched to plan B and that was more successful in terms of chances. If we had been better at taking our chances and got a couple of breaks, we would have been okay... We had enough good players to do better than that. We must congratulate ourselves on what we have done in the last three months. We have to expect days like this sometimes.'

Damage was limited as Hearts were held to a draw by Motherwell.

In Portugal, FC Porto's official website was paying tribute to the performance of plucky cash-strapped Rangers the previous Wednesday: 'Bolts, padlocks. Frightened, very frightened. They entered the pitch in order not to lose, not to risk, to stop Porto playing and not to contribute to the spectacle. They ran around hindered by reluctance, were on the edge of panic and ended up being rewarded. Football, unfortunately, still tolerates burrowing creepy crawlies. They who reach half-time in a Champions League game without producing a shot do not deserve the sympathy of the gods. Rangers did not aim at Baia's goal during the first 45 minutes, did not even shoot at the stands, did not lift their noses up from their burrows. Always with 11 men behind the ball, with Jeffers running around after nothing, without the solidarity of his team-mates and without a well-directed pass, the Scots restricted themselves to defending and time-wasting. Rangers were not confident of getting a great result... Rangers had nothing to offer and created no danger, so it was unlikely they would score. But from almost nothing, the visitors scored in a rare attack, in a fortuitous move which was not based on quality of play. The team which had only defended, broken up attacks and destroyed football, grabbed a point that was so unjust that it was incomprehensible.'

Big Eck's view of his burrowing creepie crawlies: 'Performances and results like Wednesday's against Porto are the reason I'm in this game.'

Sunday 27th A slow day for tabloid exclusives, but according to Alan Mcmillan manning the Sunday Mason's Phone-in, 'Gordon Strachan... has managed to take the heat off his old pal Alex McLeish... thanks to Celtic's shock home defat by Dunfermline.'

The Masonsport boys must be itching to get the old crisis crest on the back page ASAP.

Certainly no crisis at the Death Star as plucky cash-strapped Dignity FC manage a respectable defeat at Easter Road. Barry Ferguson is red carded by Stuart Dougal in the lest minute of the game. 'It's not at crisis stage yet', said the Eckmeister after the match. 'We've not reached the point of no return.'

Monday 28th Stunned locals in Drumchapel looked on in disbelief (we're told) as the latest Adidas TV commercial was being filmed on the floodlit all-weather pitches at the Donald Dewar Leisure Centre. Alessandro del Piero, flown in specially, lined up against Shunsuke Nakamura and an entire team of his Japanese countrymen, also flown in for the filming. To add a touch of surrealism to the sci-fi noir background of the Drum, a kilted Japanese player led his side out for the national anthems. Other scenes were filmed in the Japanese restaurant Oko and outside the city's Sheriff Court building earlier in the day.

Tuesday 29th Police are expressing serious concerns about the high frequency of hallucinogenic drug use on the Portsmouth area as Milan Mandaric admits he has asked David Murray if he can speak to Alex McLeish about the vacant manager's job at Fratton Park. Even more Pythonesque is the statement issuing from Martin Bain at the Death Star: 'We received an approach by Portsmouth asking permission to hold talks with our manager. Permission was not granted.'

Wednesday 30th On the subject of the big match atmosphere at Celtic Park: 'I could hear everything the fans were singing when I was out on the pitch... It gave me goosebumps. I remember watching a Champions League game between Celtic and AC Milan on TV and at the end they interviewed Paulo Maldini. He has been there and done it everywhere in football - but said he had never known an atmosphere like it.' So says Brahim Hemdani in today's issue of the Rangers News. That'll send his popularity rating through the roof at the Death Star.

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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