november 2004

Monday 1st The press conference on the eve of the Champions League game against Shakhtar sees Martin O'Neill in good form. Asked by a Ukrainian journo if he feared the sack should Celtic fail to beat Donetsk at Parkhead on Tuesday night he replied, 'Has he joined our press corps? He's obviously been planted by someone... I would hope that if we lost tomorrow the board of directors would give me another fortnight to try and sort it out but one never knows in this game.'

Tuesday 2nd Looks like MON's job is safe for at least another fortnight as the Hoops notch up the first three points of this season's Champs League campaign. Alan Thompson scores the only goal of the game - after the Ukrainian goalie was penalised for holding on to the ball for more than his allowed six seconds - to keep hope alive and restore the manager's optimism: 'I do believe we are still in the Champions League. I think regardless of the aggregate score tonight we have a chance and have absolutely nothing to lose. But we are back in it and we are going to go and do our utmost to go through. I would think that six points would probably give you a fighting chance of being in the UEFA Cup.' Less than happy was Shakhtar coach Mircea Lucescu who stunned the waiting hacks by storming out of the after-match conference in protest at his side's treatment by the referee, who showed Tymoshchuk a straight red card in the 23rd minute for a desperate lunge at Camara when the striker was clean through on goal and then Cosmin Barcauan for two yellow cards in the second half. 'We didn't come here to lose the game,' said Mr. Grumpy Gills, sounding like the offspring of an unlikely conjugation between Jim Jefferies and Bobby Williamson. 'I don't want to say things I regret - but the same things happened against Barcelona and Milan and now here. We are working for nothing.' With that, Lucescu slammed the table and stormed out in a big huffy huff.

Thursday 4th John Hartson stakes his claim in the papers for an extended stay at Celtic Park by making all the right noises: 'My contract is up, as everybody knows, and I'm on a free. So if it doesn't happen here, I have to be right, don't I? But in my own head, I've got round the fact that I really want to stay here... I love playing for this football club and in front of these unbelievable supporters -it's the kind of thing I dreamed of as a kid. I would be delighted to do that for the next three or four years, two years, whatever I'm offered or given - if I am given anything... But, in my own head, I've realised that if it doesn't happen here I've still got to be right for whatever else may happen. If it doesn't happen here, and I hope to God it does, then I've got to be ready for whatever other options come up.'

Friday 5th Responding to Hartson's comments Martin O'Neill appears to be positive that BBJ will be made an offer he can't refuse... er, kind of: 'John has made it clear that if everything is right he wants to stay and his performances in the last few weeks have been terrific... He has been brilliant. I have had ongoing conversations with his agent Jonathan Barnett ... The fitness element was discussed and John has taken it on board. He's gone into our physios and they have come up with a plan that he is sticking rigidly to. It's great credit to him. John's ratio of goalscoring to the number of minutes on the field is as good as anybody's at any time here. If you are asking me if John is putting himself forward for a contract -absolutely. Like most players, he would want it sorted out quickly. But there are a number of elements like the length of contract and finance but I am hoping these things can be sorted out sooner rather than later.'

Meanwhile, Celtic have given contracts to seven of the club's most promising young players. Scott Cuthbert, Michael Gardyne, Charlie Mulgrew, James O'Brien, Craig Reid and Ryan Conroy have signed until the end of 2008 and Ross Harris has accepted a contract until the end of June 2006.

Celtic legend Lubo Moravc’k has taken charge of Slovakian Superleague club MFK Ruzomberok, replacing joint coaches Ivan Hucko and Juraj Jarbek. Lubo has been club president since the start of the season and will lead the team at least for the last two matches before the winter break.

Saturday 6th In the SPL, Celtic beat Kilmarnock 2:1 thanks to an Aiden McGeady free kick and a 'controversial' (in the sense that it was awarded to Celtic) penalty converted by Alan Thompson. Jim Jefferies was full of praise for the home side and was able to accept the ref's decisions with his usual good grace. But seriously folks...

Sunday 7th Mark 'Swoop' Guidi's big exclusive on the back page of the Sunday Mason is that, 'Newcastle manager Graeme Souness is set to make a summer swoop for Celtic striker John Hartson.'

Monday 8th With a match at the Death Star looming midweek, Rangers defender Marvin Andrews appeals to supporters of both teams to take the hatred out of derby day by desisting from the use of stentorian language: 'I know a lot of bad words come out of people's mouths in these games, and that's the part I really don't like... If you could take away the bad language then the fixture would be much better.' A spokesman for NTV, Mr. G Jungle responded by saying, 'I think he's got a feckin' point y'know. The players spend too much time feckin' swearing to pass the ball properly.'

Tuesday 9th Celtic finally part company with the legend that is Bobby Petta who is now free to attempt to kick-start his career with a move to another club as a free agent, although he might be better trying to find work as a pools agent. 'We will be eternally grateful for the great effort he put into the season we won the treble', said Martin O'Neill, implying that there was precious little effort to thank him for during the other three years he's been lurking around Parkhead.

Wednesday 10th David Murray launches his long-awaited rights issue and renews his pledge to wipe out Death Star debt within a year by revealing that he has negotiated, er, a bank loan and overdraft of £37 million. In an interview published in the Herald Murray blamed the deplorable state of his club's finances on (in no particular order) the Bosman Ruling, agents and the collapse of transfer fees, factors which have clearly only affected sizable football clubs in the Kinning Park area of Glasgow.

The evening sees the first big cup shock of the season as plucky cash-strapped Rangers beat Celtic 2:1 after extra time in the CIS Cup.

Friday 12th At the Friday press conference Martin O'Neill is bullish amidst suggestions from sections of the Laptop Loyal that the crisis headlines not far away: 'Maybe they're right. Maybe we are (in free-fall) - who's to say? It doesn't really concern me. I have seen reaction like that before from Old Firm games. It really doesn't concern me. What concerns me is getting back to winning a game or two. We have lost a few games this season and there's nothing unusual about that. We have lost to Aberdeen and Rangers and we have won a few times. But we are top of the league and have been since day one and to people the Aberdeen game constituted a crisis even though it was the first meaningful game we had lost in 18 months. It doesn't matter to me what people are saying.' On the question of whether the squad needs strengthening the manager was forthright: 'Even a blind man can see that. I think I would be as entitled as any manager to take a look and see if there was anything there for us in January. We can't let the month go past and I would be disappointed to think the club wasn't capable of making new signings. I need a bit of help to sustain our challenge in the SPL, never mind the Champions League.'

Saturday 13th Prior to the afternoon's SPL match against Inverness, the visitors' director of football Graeme Bennett confirms that Paul Lambert has rejected overtures to become their new manager. 'We approached Celtic in the middle of the week for permission to speak to Paul Lambert,' said Bennett. Martin O'Neill reveals that Lambert had considered the prospect of managing Caley Thistle for a good few seconds: 'Caley Thistle are looking at a number of people and Peter Lawwell, the chief executive, said to me that he (Lambert) was one of the people they were interested in. I spoke with Paul and the conversation lasted for about 15 seconds for a number of reasons. Paul is in the final year of his contract and even though he is not playing at the minute I think he sees himself playing a part for us. With Jim McInally going to Morton, there is space for Paul to do some sort of coaching with the kids for the time being.'

Celtic duly beat managerless Caley by 3:0, although it takes a penalty save by reinstalled Magnus Hedman to keep the away column blank. Highlight of the afternoon is the half-time competition sponsored by Carling to win a trip to Barcelona with the team (the possibility of getting a game in defence isn't entirely ruled out either). Fans are invited to stand up, wave their programmes about with the Carling ad prominent and watch for their faces appearing on the screens. Incredibly, even those fans who can't see a screen due to the fact that one of them has been out of order since September are spotted waving programmes! The other half-time highlight comes when 'Celtic TV's Ally Begg' (who he? Ed) is announced as the drawer of today's raffle. Talk about walking on to the sound of your own footsteps! He even started waving to the crowd, clearly thrilled by the wave of indifference cascading down the stands towards him.

Sunday 14th At Easter Road the Huns beat Hibs 1:0. Willie Young awards them two penalties but risks a serious talking to down at Lodge Park Gardens by sending off Nacho Neddo - for aiming a kick at a Hibs player - which means he faces a three match ban.

Monday 15th MON announces that Celtic may consider blocking Tommy Burns' attempt to become Scotland manager. 'In actual fact he has an important job here in terms of youth development. You might have to pass that on to the board members, the (chief executive) Peter Lawwell and people like that to find out what their real reaction is. I would have to say there would be one or two who would be a bit disconcerted to learn there might be a possibility of losing someone who has been doing the job here for the last couple of years.'

Details about Celtic's proposed new sports bar for season ticket holders leafleted at last weekend's game are released. From December the 4th at the home game against Hibs early arrivals at the stadium will be able to enjoy a few beers and some video entertainment in the North-East corner of Celtic Park. The bar will be open form 11 am to 9 pm, 4 pm to midnight for midweek matches, although it will be closed during the game itself. All you have to do to become a patron is send Celtic your season book number and wait in breathless anticipation for a membership card. The only other thing you need to provide is £66. 'Hats off guv'nor, you're a toff and no mistake!'

Joos Valgaeren is another player out of contract soon, although he sounds as if he's not overly worried about it: 'My contract is up at the end of the season ... I'm actually quite relaxed about it - I don't know why. Clubs will contact my agent if they want to speak to me but for some reason I hardly speak to my agent, I'm not sure if that's a bad thing, and no one's speaking to him... My kids are happy here so I'll speak to my wife and see what she thinks.'

Rangers appeal against Numpty Neddo's red card and are confident that the player will be available for the weekend's match at the Death Star against the Hoops.

Tuesday 16th In town to play for Sweden against Scotland in the friendly international, Anderlecht winger Christian Wilhelmsson takes the opportunity to tout himself for a move to Celtic: 'I don't want to say too much because I have a two-and-a-half contract with my club. But there are a lot of things happening at the moment and, of course, I would be interested in signing for Celtic as they're a fantastic club.' According to Wilhelmsson's girlfriend, Caroline Hakinson, quoted in the previous weekend's Scotland on Sunday, she is having trouble with his balls: 'It's getting worse and worse... It has even gone so far that I have thrown out his balls but they always come back in (Oh matron!). It appears that his priorities are the football, his parrot then me. I tried to say I was allergic to the bird but it didn't work.'

More kite flying courtesy of the Sky Sports website which reports that: 'Celtic are reported to be lining up a surprise swoop for NEC Nijmegen midfielder Edgar Barreto. Reports emanating from Holland suggest that Celtic are very keen on the Paraguayan midfielder. Barreto is highly regarded in his home country and captained Paraguay at this summer's Olympics. Celtic are thought to have watched the 20 year-old in action on several occasions this season with their scouting reports being good of Barreto. Dutch daily Omroep Gelderland (rough translation: The Daily Record) claims Celtic could make a bid for Barreto in January.'

Wednesday 17th In a world exclusive the Daily Rectum reports that Martin O'Neill has been out to dinner with Sir Alex Ferguson: 'The pair got on like a house on fire as they feasted on expensive wine and a seafood platter... They ordered two bottles of red wine at £28.50 each'. The report also quoted an inside source as saying, 'I think they were being driven by a chauffeur because they really got into the wine.' Martin O'Neill later revealed that none of this actually took place in real life: 'Apart from the word 'the' the rest of it was complete piffle'.

As it happens the person Ferguson was dining with was his brother, whose name, by a strange coincidence, happens to be Martin.

In the evening Tommy Burns does his chances of keeping his job (at Celtic) no harm by caretaking the Scotland team to a 1:4 defat against Sweden. Celtic goalkeepers Marshall and Hedman kept nets for their respective countries, which will surely be a pub trivia question in years to come.

Thursday 18th Newspapers report that the family of the linesman involved in ensuring Nacho Neddo was offered first use of the soap last weekend (an offer he quite possibly refused judging by the look of him) have been 'inundated' with threatening phone calls and abused in the street. SFA head of refereeing Don McVicar said, 'The frenzied reaction has been appalling.'

Friday 19th Colin Duncan in the Retard reports that, 'Motherwell are hoping to sign Celtic goalkeeper Rab Douglas when the transfer window opens in January. Douglas could make the switch as part of a swap deal, with Steven Hammell heading for Parkhead. Record Sport revealed last week that Celtic will move for Hammell as a solution to their problem left-back slot if they fail to land top target Gary Naysmith from Everton.'

Legia Warszawa announce former Celtic defender Dariusz Wdowczyk will be their new coach from 1 December.

As expected the SFA have accepted Rangers' view that Willie Young is an incompetent balloon and have consequently rescinded Neddo's red card and replaced it with a yellow in time for him to play in the match against Celtic.

Saturday 20th A quiet Glasgow derby ends in a shock 2:0 win for cash-strapped Kinning Park neighbours. Nothing much more to say... Ahem.

As Celtic slump to chaotic defeat against Los Bigottos, Barcelona warm up for Wednesday's Champions League game with a 3:0 win in the Nou Camp against Los Galacticos. The game is marred by a knee injury to Henrik Larsson which turns out to be so serious that his top flight career might well be over. Get well soon.

Monday 22nd Executive director Peter Lawwell throws his weight behind Martin O'Neill, following what he called 'hysterical' criticism of the manager: 'I am astonished at the reaction in some quarters to the events at Ibrox Park on Saturday. Our manager has been on the receiving end of criticism which can only be described as hysterical. Martin's conduct throughout his four and a half years in charge at Celtic has been nothing short of exemplary, and his contribution, not only to Celtic, but to the progress of Scottish teams in Europe, is far too easily forgotten. As he himself said, throughout the game there was an incredible amount of unspeakable abuse directed at Neil Lennon. In today's society, no-one should have to put up with sectarian abuse of this nature, and Martin was keen to support a player who has been central to the domestic and European success Celtic has enjoyed in recent years.'

Tuesday 23rd OFM is convinced Alan Thompson's red card will be rescinded by the Scottish Football Association, which more or less puts him in a minority of one. Citing precedent in the cases of Juanjo and Numpty, he said: 'We will be appealing Alan Thompson's red card and... we would expect the appeal to succeed. The pictures on the television are completely self-explanatory and, if anyone can explain it to me any other way, I'm willing to listen. I would fully expect Alan to be cleared.' The SFA confirm they will investigate incidents involving Henri Camara and Nacho Novo in the wake of Saturday's Glasgow derby. They will refer both incidents to their review panel to decide whether either player has a case to answer. The review panel will consist of a former player, a former manager and a former referee, whose names will not be made public. Good to see everything will be above board then.

At the pre-match press conference in Barcelona, James Traynor of the Daily Rectum sets a fine example to his Spanish colleagues by asking some intelligent and perceptive questions pertinent to the game. Nah, only kidding. He tries to discomfit O'Neill by harping on about his 'provocative' gesture at the end of the match the previous weekend. O'Neill, however, is in no mood for it: 'What should I regret? I go to the away fans every fortnight with the players and nothing has been said before. I think this is the first time we have been beaten away from home in 18 months and nobody has picked up on that at all. I applauded the crowd because the support was fantastic - and because Neil Lennon was abused from start to finish... He was verbally abused in a racial and sectarian manner. Neil Lennon was subjected to this from start to finish - and it reached an incredible crescendo at the end.' O'Neill went on to ask Traynor whether he stood by his comments on his Saturday radio show that Lennon was 'big enough to take it', referring to the abuse and, by implication, the death threats and physical assaults. 'I don't know what I said', was the reply from the usually arrogant and bumptious (and completely unfunny) hack.

Wednesday 24th David Murray releases a statement in response to the allegations of racism from fans at Ibrox by Martin O'Neill. 'We should guard against broad generalisations that stereotype our fans as racist bigots,' said Murray, whose application form to join the Flat Earth Society is in the post. Joining in the fun is John MacMillan, the general secretary of the Rangers Supporters Association, who either sits at Ibrox with a pair of ear plugs in (and who could blame him?) or has a neck made of solid brass, is quoted as saying that O'Neill's comments were 'outrageous'. 'The authorities should be calling him up to explain those remarks,' he said, begging the question what part of 'He was verbally abused in a racial and sectarian manner' requires clarification. MacMillan went on, 'Rangers fans have a right to be defended against these accusations and I think he should apologise to them.' An opportunity, surely, for Sash-singing Choirmaster of the Lamb Chops Lodge Donald Findlay to be drafted in to defend the poor hard-done-by inoffensive Rangers support. An SFA statement later said: 'All sectarian and racist chants are wrong, no matter who they are targeted at. If Celtic, or any club, wish to make a complaint there are recognised avenues which can be followed within football.' Does the use of the words 'no matter who they are targeted at' not imply that Lennon is somehow responsible for this himself, and could they be translated as 'even if they are targeted at Neil Lennon'?

In the Champions League the Hoops produce a battling defensive performance to secure our first ever away point in the competition in the most unlikely of circumstances. Despite going a goal down during a first half siege that would have had defenders of the Alamo defecting to the Mexicans, John Hartson nabbed an equaliser just before the break to set up what is often euphemistically described as 'a nervy second half'. Out of the Champions League for this season but still in with a chance of a UEFa Cup place and European football after Santa's been.

Thursday 25th Commenting on the thousands of fans who made the journey to support the Bhoys in Barcelona, a senior police officer in the Catalan capital said: 'I think I can speak for everyone when I describe the behaviour of the Celtic supporters as immaculate. With all the bother concerning racialist insults and hooligan behaviour these fans were a breath of fresh air. They are always well behaved when they are in Spain.' An official at the British consulate in the city added: 'We did not have one single incident reported. We are delighted.' Comment from the ETims website: 'If there's a tirade of anti-protestant songs and racial abuse coming from Celtic supporters that only the Scottish media and politicians are aware of, would they care to share this information with us so we can mend our ways before handing back our supporters awards to the leaders of European and World Football and apologising to the citizens of those wonderful cities we've visited during our European exploits over the past number of years?'

Friday 26th The aforementioned SFA disciplinary committee hearing Thompson's red card appeal has decreed that the referee's decision will stand (swoon!). Thompson will now be suspended for Sunday's game in Dundee and have 12 points added to his disciplinary record meaning a longer suspension later in the season is almost guaranteed.

Sunday 28th Big exclusive in the Mason today concerns BBJ: 'Celtic will have to dig deep to keep John Hartson - after Paris St. Germain last night joined the hunt for his signature... and with Newcastle, Blackburn and Fulham also in the race the big Welshman is in a no-lose situation as he continues his contract wrangles with Celts this week... Hoops gaffer Martin O'Neill wants to keep the 29 year-old and aims to thrash out a deal with agent Jonathan Barnet this week. But the former West Ham and Coventry star is now one of Europe's most sought after Bosman signings.'

No such 'contract wrangles' or 'thrashing out' at Mordor with Dildo Rso - having officially taken over from Lorenzo at the 'Lift The Pony's Tail and Listen to the Pony's Arse' Stall - holding court about his team's chances of progressing in the UEFA Cup: 'I believe we can do something in Europe... I truly believe Rangers can make the final... We have a good squad and we already have one foot in the next round.'

In the SPL, Celtic drop two points with a draw at Dens Park allowing the Huns to go top of the league.

Monday 29th According to Darrell King in the Evening Times, 'Rangers are ready to make a renewed move for Swiss star Hakan Yakin when the January transfer window opens... Sports Times understands the VfB Stuttgart midfielder is top of Alex McLeish's shopping list and would jump at the chance of a move to Ibrox with progression to the knock-out stages of the UEFA Cup all but guaranteed...'

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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