november 2003 .

Saturday 1st Celtic get the early kickoff slot this weekend and give Kilmarnock a going over own their own pitch, eventually winning 5:0. Hugh Dallas stuns the visiting fans by awarding Celtic the kind of penalty normally reserved for the Huns to get the scoreboard ticking over. Jim Jeffries wasn't happy - now there's a first - and brands Dallas a 'disgrace'.

In the afternoon cash-strapped Rangers beat Partick Thistle 3:1 in a hard-fought local derby at Ibrox. Bring on Manchester United!November

Sunday 2nd Somewhat predictably, the Sunday Mason chose to highlight Celtic's first penalty at Rugby Park against Kilmarnock. Equally predictably, the focus was on Stilian Petrov rather than the ineptitude of Hugh Dallas. Jim Jefferies, so effusive in praise of his team's opponents when they were demolished at Ibrox last May during the title run-in, was less inclined to be generous on this occasion: 'Dallas is a disgrace', he fumed.

Kenny MacDonald in his report of the Rangers v Thistle game in the News of the Screws had this to say about John Rowbotham's spot-kick award to the home side: 'Anis' fist contribution was to concede a penalty, although Peter Lovenkrands went down under his tackle every bit as easily as Stilian Petrov did earlier in the day.' Mailsport was more understated about the Lovenkrands incident: 'John Rowbotham was spot on with the penalty and free-kick decisions which led to two goals.' (Gavin Berry)

Mailsport's Champions League build-up this week contains some real comedy gems from Berry and Euan McLean, fast establishing for themselves a reputation as Scotland's answer to the Monty Python team. Among the side-splitting highlights: 'Alex Ferguson fears Manchester United's home game against Rangers more than their trip to Ibrox', 'Stephan Klos says he can emerge from the Theatre of Dreams victorious' and 'Shota Arvaladze is desperate to score against Manchester United on Tuesday so he can boast about it to his grandchildren in years to come.' Mailsport's answers to Woodward and Bernstein failed to point out that Arvaladze often plays as if he already has grandchildren and that there is as much chance of him scoring at Old Trafford as there is of Danny La Rue appearing in WWF Smackdown.

Monday 3rd Anderlecht coach Hugo Broos reveals that he didn't send anybody to watch Celtic's league game against Kilmarnock because he doesn't think the Hoops can spring any surprises: 'I know how they are going to play.... it won't be a surprise for us.'

Tuesday 4th The day of the Battle of Britain and the Evening Times has a feature on the city of Manchester preparing itself for the friendly invasion of around 10,000 of those zany, fun-loving Rangers supporters who have endeared themselves so much to their compatriots that they are known throughout Scotland as The Huns. Alex Robertson (standing in for Kate Adie) informs us that, 'All police leave has been cancelled for the visit and hundreds of officers are on patrol in the city centre... 75% of all licensed premises have opted to stay closed and a major police operation is underway.'

Despite pre-match noises coming from Murray Park indicating that Rangers were about to spring the biggest shock result since Ho Chi Min's inexperienced but enthusiastic Viet Nam squad managed a home win against the USA back in the late 60s, the game itself turns out to be a mismatch of Muhammed Ali versus Gerry Quarrie proportions, although, looking on the positive side, at least the Huns showed some signs of improvement after the first leg by managing to hold out for an extra minute before conceding the first goal, which arrived in the sixth minute this time instead of the fifth. Barely into the second chorus of the Billy Boys in fact. Ferguson passes over the chance to write his name into the Champions League history books by removing his entire forward line in the second half to spare his protege a potentially career-terminating hammering.

Wednesday 5th Fireworks Night and Celtic light a roman candle under the arses of Anderlecht in a blitz of a start which sees the Hoops 3:0 up after half an hour, which must have come as no surprise to Belgian boss Broos. One of the stars of the show is Liam Miller. Now that he has shrugged off his injury problems and is beginning to force himself into the first team it can surely only be a matter of time before his contract details come under scrutiny. With Lyon winning 2:1 in Munich it's still everything to play for in Group A.

Thursday 6th Anderlecht forward Aruna Dindane gives his post-humping reaction to the events of Wednesday night. Without a hint of sour grapes he tells the press, (to be read in your best Julian Clarey voice) 'I've never seen such violence... These dangerous fools got away with hip high tackles and dirty fouls and I was even punched in the face... We may have lost but I have won a personal victory - I didn't break my legs... A good director could make a great karate film with the Celtic defenders.' The target for most of Aruna's invective was Stanislav Varga, mild mannered Slovakian centre back whose skills in the martial arts have, up until now, eluded most of us. Nonetheless, the Anderlecht President, Roger Vanden Stock, also singled big Stan out in one of his post-match interviews. 'Such a player as Varga does not exist in Belgium. This is a right little bastard.'

Stanley's Gonna Get Ye? Doesn't quite have the same ring about it does it? we'll be interested in hearing Aruna's comments should he ever play against Motherwell.

Whereas in the past the Huns would have been mollified after a bad result by the sight of another Continental diddy parading round Murray park sporting a Rangers top and a bemused expression (or at least breathless news of an imminent signing) in the current harsh economic climate they will have to make do with reassurances from Chairman McLelland that they are still very rich... honest: 'Being able to pay top wages for top players is not something I am worried about... I am confident we can still attract the best players.' Sleep tight.

Friday 7th Just in case we were beginning to feel too smug about the midweek results, Ronnie Culley of the Evening Times tries to wipe the smile off our faces with a hopeless article about Liam Miller's contract: 'Celtic have been warned (by whom we are never told) that they must sign up Liam Miller now - or risk losing the Bhoy wonder. The 22 year-old Hoops sensation is out of contract next summer and is free to speak to other clubs in 55 days when the transfer window reopens.' It's not until buried deep within this piece of tabloid tosh we get a quote from Miller's agent, Eamonn McLaughlin: 'The club wants to keep Liam and he wants to stay.'

Saturday 8th Dunfermline are the visitors to Celtic Park. Clearly there to 'enjoy the occasion' as they did at Ibrox last May, tactical genius Jimmy Calderwood plays with one forward and packs his defence. To no avail as the Hoops finally run out winners by 5:0 with one of the goals coming from sub Ross Wallace, another product of the Celtic Soccer Academy, Barrowfield branch.

Sunday 9th Big story in this morning's Mailsport is yet another exclusive from Mark Guidi (however does he manage to unearth so many of them?). Swoop has uncovered that 'Celtic ace Henrik Larsson is in line for a summer move to Barcelona... Mailsport can reveal that Barca are ready to make a move through agent Rob Jansen to secure him on a pre-contract agreement in January.' Watch this space to see if this latest scoop from the master comes to fruition.

At least it's good to see that Fernando Ricksen has taken his manager's advice to tober himself up and keep out of the front pages of the tabloids. If you don't count a story in today's News of the Screws, that is. Under the banner headline 'randy Ricksen tried to get in lawyer's briefs - text pest star bombards her with messages', reporters Andrea Vance, Louise Baillie and David Taylor (yes, it took three of them to write this) exclusively reveal that Ricksen met the lawyer at a function and asked her for date, only to get a knock back. A friend of the lady in question is quoted as saying: 'It was clear he'd taken a shine to her but she didn't want to know. He took the hump - and she thinks he's a headcase.'

In the afternoon's big SPL match plucky Rangers shock Kilmarnock with a winner in the dying minutes of the game by Portuguese superstar Nuno Capucho (so late that Sky Sports text gave the time of Arvaladze's equaliser as 623 minutes and this one was even later than that). Extend this man's contract immediately!

Monday 10th France Football magazine announces its list of 50 contenders for this year's prestigious Golden Ball. A veritable Who's Who of the European elite, it includes such luminaries as Beckham, Ronaldo, Owen and German superstar Michael Ballack - who must surely change the name of the trophy to 'Golden Ballacks' - as well as our very own Henrik Larsson. Sadly there's no mention of Brazilian samba star Emerson, nor indeed of Nuno Capucho. Angry letters must be written forthwith.

Liverpool manager Gerard Houlier must be getting as fed up as we are with the hacks. Commenting after his team's latest 2:1 defeat at home to Manchester United he said, 'I expect I'll be reading about Martin O'Neill again now.'

Wednesday 12th BBC Scotland reports that from the beginning of December religious discrimination in the workplace is to be targeted by legislation which could see employers stopping workers wearing their Celtic or Rangers replica tops to work. A spokesman for Celtic fanzine Not The View who preferred not to be named (it was me actually) said, 'I can't see this being a problem for Rangers supporters. Anybody who is banned from wearing their Diadora strip to work can simply strap a fake penis to their foreheads and everybody will instantly know which team they support.'

Thomas 'Casandra' Jordan reports that 'John Hartson is being tracked by a string of Premiership clubs keen to land him during the January transfer window.' After quoting Hartson's agent as saying, 'We get calls almost every day but John has said he is very happy where he is right now, there's no need to go anywhere else', there follows a list of Celtic players whose contracts expire in the summer of 2005.

Thursday 13th Darrell King exclusively reveals that 'Rangers have joined the race for Motherwell midfielder Stephen Pearson, sparking an Old Firm tug-of-war for the 21 year-old.' Oh no, does this mean we'll see another star performer plucked from under our very noses, like Dariusz Adamczuk and Emerson? According to reports (which McInally himself later denied), under-17 coach Jim McInally has declined a chance to manage at one of the biggest clubs in the Forfar area, Forfar Athletic, preferring instead to remain at Parkhead overseeing the Hoops stars of the future. 'I'm learning all the time', he said, 'And there can't be anyone better to work with than Martin OÕNeill.'

Friday 14th Bells ring out across the nation as Rangers prepare to celebrate a major victory. A tribunal set up by the SPL has decided that the cash-strapped Ibrox club need not pay a thin dime for the services of Khizinashvili, the big Georgian huddie they brought from Dundee in the summer. While the Huns' accountant was popping open a bottle of Pomagne in celebration, Dundee showed in their official statement to the media that despite their disappointment they hadn't lost their sense of humour: 'Dundee Football Club are simply expected to bear the costs of nurturing Zura's career and turning him into a world class player for Rangers to profit.'

Big transfer story of the day comes from Thomas Jordan of the Evening Times. According to him, Rangers 'could be set to move for Monaco star Dado Prso.' Prso, you'll remember, shot from obscurity to score four goals in the Champions League against Deportivo La Coruna. He'd obviously have to be slightly mental not to swap the hell hole that is Monte Carlo for Kinning Park. Remember where you heard it first.

Saturday 15th Rab Douglas and Jackie McNamara both play in Scotland's Euro Championship play-off victory against Holland. Hampden hasn't seen so many orange-clad supporters in the Mount Florida end since the last time the Huns played there. Ben Kinsella in the Sun has Henrik Larsson a target for Birmingham City manager Steve Bruce. Apparently Bruce was at the Anderlecht match to watch John Hartson but came away equally impressed by Henke. His throwaway remark when pestered by a hack at the end of the game ('Larsson's not bad is he?') provided the basis for Kinsella's story. Is Kinsella after Guidi's job?

Sunday 16th If it's Sunday it must be time for a 'Swoop' Guidi exclusive in the Sunday Mail. Vying for space on the back page beside the Scotland v Holland story, Guidi reports that, 'Celtic star Liam Miller is being tracked by Manchester United'.

Bobo Balde and Momo Sylla both play in Guinea's 4:3 victory over Mozambique in a World Cup preliminary qualifying tie. Guinea have now made it through to the African group qualifying stage.

Tuesday 18th The Murray Park stars for the future effect has still to kick after three years as Celtic's under 21s take a major step towards a third title in a row with a 3:1 victory over their cash-strapped Ibrox counterparts.

Wednesday 19th Rab Douglas and Jackie McNamara are selected for Berti Vogts' Scotland side to take part in a good-natured kickabout as part of Holland's warm-up for Portugal 2004.

Thursday 20th Dundee are staring oblivion in the face in the wake of receiving nothing from the Zura Khizinashvili transfer tribunal as a result of a legal technicality. Big hearted Rangers are reported to be putting the interests of the game first and are doing what they can to support the Tayside club by demanding back the £37,500 down payment they made on the player back in July - plus £450 interest. Don't laugh, that £450 could make all the difference when the next set of accounts have to be lodged (pardon the pun).

Saturday 21st In the televised lunchtime game Celtic beat Dundee United at Tannadice by 5:1, Chris Sutton netting another hat-trick. In the afternoon Rangers beat Aberdeen 3:0 at Ibrox. The Dons, so often accused by Ibrox apologists of only trying against the Orcs, have not won at the Death Star since 1995 when Roy Aitken was the manager.

Sunday 23rd Mailsport gives us the usual pre-European pep-up by splashing the back page with a Guidi piece about Henrik Larsson having a 'bust-up' with Billy Dodds during the game at Tannadice together with the almost obligatory 'Larsson is overrated' rant from one of our continental opponents, on this occasion Bayern's French defender Lizarazu. The Huns, by contrast, are given their customary puff by Euan McLean, who informs us that, 'Alex McLeish has watched a video of Stuttgart beating Man United SIX times (McLean's capitals) while plotting the Germans' downfall.' 'We know what they will do', he quotes the Ibrox supremo as saying. 'So do we', said a spokesman for Not The View.

Monday 24th With the Orcs' crunch tie against Stuttgart on the horizon the Laptop Loyal finds space to re-emphasise the injury worries facing the Eckstraterrestrial who is having to face the Germans without SIX injured players (Darrell King's capitals), one for each time the manager has watched the Stuttgart v Man United video, although Darrell's list did include Bob Malcolm. Now if he'd been fit Felix Magath really would have been shitting himself. Instead of watching videos perhaps Eck should take some advice from national team coach Berti Vogts: 'It's difficult for Rangers. Maybe they should go to church and pray to God.'

Tuesday 25th Bayern Munich come visiting in the Champions League and leave the pitch celebrating a professional defensive performance which earns them a 0:0 draw and an away point which leaves us needing to do the same in Lyon to qualify. (What's a Champions League away point? Puzzled Ed)

Wednesday 26th Despite relentlessly pummelling the Stuttgart goal with ONE shot on target (that's FIVE short of SIX) the Huns lose by 1:0 and see their chance of qualifying for some really serious defeats in the second phase of the Champions League evaporate. Your humble correspondent watched a video of the Stuttgart goal SIX times.

Thursday 27th Keen to emulate the example set by Hoops fans on their visit to the Swabian capital last year, follow followers of the Huns make a less than favourable impression. A spokeswoman for the Stuttgart police told reporters that, 'A total of 26 Scottish supporters have been arrested in the city centre as they tried to pay bills in restaurants and cafes with fake euro notes.' Another six were arrested in unconnected incidents.

Friday 28th In an effort to show that he hasn't lost his sense of humour after the Stuttgart game, big Eck defends his foreign signings at his Friday press conference. 'When Nuno joined he wanted to force himself back into the Portugal team (holding the manager at gunpoint would appear to be his best bet of achieving that ambition at the moment) ... As for Big Egil, he likes to put himself about... He's different from the strikers we already had', said the boss, clearly referring to the fact that some of the strikers they already had actually scored goals.

Saturday 29th Not to be upstaged by his manager at the recently opened Ibrox comedy club, John McLelland wows the audience with his 'UEFA Cup' routine: 'Obviously we wanted to get to the second stage of the Champions League but also important is simply to have European football in the new year. It's hard to say how much we could bank but I guess if we make it all the way to the final you'd be talking about up to £5m on top of the £7m we made from the Champions League.' He was in good form when talking about his club's debt situation as well: 'I have every sympathy for managers who want to spend money but we don't have it. One thing we have been able to do is bring in players on quite significant salaries.' (See Capucho, Nuno et al.) Thank you very much, you've been a wonderful audience, good night.

After the ying of Bayern it's the yang of Partick Thistle as SPL business resumes. 'Crazy Celtic fan' James Grady actually puts the visitors in front before normal service is restored thanks to goals by Henrik Larsson and a brace from Chris Sutton.

Back in Glasgow for the funeral of his mother, Fergus McCann is among thecrowd. 'This is the first time I've used my season ticket in three years,' he said, leaving himself wide open to accusations of being a part-timer, 'And I'm delighted to see the club continuing to do well. I appreciate the sympathy extended to me and my family at this time of sadness.'

Sunday 30th Front page lead in Gerry McNee's News of the Screws concerns Zura Khizinashvili's girlfriend who, according to Graham McKendry, 'Leads a secret life working in an Edinburgh lap dancing club and puts on shocking lesbian shows but tells Zura she's a beautician because she's too embarrassed to confess.' You can just picture the effect this story must have had on Fernando Erection, but is working in a lap dancing club really more embarrassing than admitting your boyfriend plays for Rangers?

Just to prove that it's not only his manager and chairman who have a hilarious line in patter, new Ibrox wunderkind Chris Burke has them rolling in the aisles with his slapstick observation on the Huns' chances of getting to the final of the UEFA Cup: 'Whatever Celtic did last season we can do as well. Definitely.'

In another Screws exclusive, Graham Bryce gives us a two page spread on the next sensation to head Ibrox way. Under the headline '17 goals... Is kid who can't stop scoring McLeish's Larsson?' Bryce breathlessly reveals that, 'Alex McLeish is poised to shake up his goal shy forward line by snapping up the hottest hitman in British football - and it won't cost cash-strapped Rangers a penny.' In case you've never heard of him, this is Steven McLean and he is already a legend at... er, Scunthorpe. God help us, is there no end to the laughs?

In the afternoon Rangers score in injury time to beat a hopeless Hibs team 1:0 and keep themselves in the chase. Just.

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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