november 2002

november

friday 1st Post-match reaction to the Blackburn game sees Celtic on the receiving end of some harsh criticism from the press and from their erstwhile opponents. "The gaffer says it was men against boys out there", says Blackburn midfielder Gary Flitcroft. We are left to ponder what the reaction might have been had Celtic actually lost the match, a la the Huns v Zizkov.

The London Evening Standard reports that recently departed Chief Executive of the FA, Adam Crozier, is a target for Celtic. "A Celtic fan, Crozier is believed to know the Scottish champions' Chairman Brian Quinn. Quinn, a well-known figure in the London banking world, is understood to have targeted Crozier as the man to lead Celtic out of the Scottish Premier League and possibly into the Premiership."

saturday 2nd In their morning match preview the Aberdeen Press and Journal features an interview with Russell Anderson who reveals that although he is fit for the game at Parkhead, the previous week he had been feeling slightly under the weather: "At half-time during the Hibs game I had the shakes and shivers"...

sunday 3rd ... God knows how he must have been feeling this afternoon. Last time Ebbe Skovdahl's Aberdeen escaped with a mild 2:0 defeat at Parkhead he justified his negative tactics with a medical analogy: "The operation was a success," he said, "But the patient died on the table." This time the Dons were pronounced DOA. 7:0 to Celtic but it could have been an Australia v England score by the end.

The News of the Screws carries a report that several Dutch teams may soon be allowed to participate in the German Bundesliga, thereby paving the way for Celtic and Rangers to join the Premiership.

monday 4th Darrell King reports that PSV Eindhoven have ruled out suggestions that they will be joining the Bundesliga. "Everything has been exaggerated", said Dutch spokesman Pedro Salazar-Hewitt, "I don't think anything like this would ever happen." It turns out that Sunday's Screws article came about as a result of a chance remark by Scottish Football's guru Alex McLeish during a press conference.

tuesday 5th In a move that will no doubt come as a shock to Dermot Desmond and Co. Rangers Chairman John McLelland appears to have been elevated to the position of spokesperson for the Old Firm. According to McLelland, the departure of Adam Crozier from the FA has finally ended the Old Firm's hopes of a move to the English Premiership. "When Adam Crozier resigned last Wednesday our last chance of relocating to England went with him," opined the talking Hallowe'en cake.

wednesday 6th Stillian Petrov's agent flies back to Sofia (that's the city, not his girlfriend) having failed to agree terms with the club over an extension to his player's contract which ends in 2005. According to the tabloids, the board are unwilling to accede to his demands for £15,000 a week (£780,000 p.a.).

Celtic's second team finally overcome Partick Thistle in the League Cup quarter-final at Parkhead. Level after 90 minutes, and after extra time, after 13 years of failing in penalty shoot-outs the Hoops finally meet a team who are worse from eleven yards. The Maryhill Magyars contrive to miss three spot kicks, any of which would have had the sub editors at the red tops racking their brains for a suitable headline to match the 'Super Caley Go Ballistic' effort of a few years ago. Alas, Celtic progress to the semi-final...

thursday 7th ... To meet Dundee United or Livingston, as drawn by Pat Nevin and Kenny Dalglish live on Channel 5 following the Huns' narrow win at East End Park by 1:0. Man of the Match for Rangers was once again Dougie McDonald, denying Dunfermline a clear penalty in the final quarter of the match with the score at 0:0. Dunfermline boss Jimmy Calderwood will soon be joining us in the paranoia ward if he keeps saying things like, "I thought it was a stonewall penalty when Nicholson was fouled in the box."

saturday 9th Celtic announce a testimonial match for the benefit of the Lisbon Lions and the family of the late Bobby Murdoch. Opponents will be Manchester United and according to Celtic the game will go ahead as soon as a convenient date for both clubs can be arranged.

The Daily Retard's big story this morning is an interview by David McCarthy with John Hartson in which the player says.. well, nothing much. It appears under a huge headline which proclaims: 'Play me or else'.

sunday 10th The last chance for the tabloids to give the troops a tonic before the important UEFA Cup tie on Thursday. The Sunday Mason gets the ball rolling with a three page Stilian Petrov 'exclusive' from Mark 'Scoop' Guidi (this exclusive also appeared in the Sunday Herald incidentally) under the banner headline 'I have to quite Celtic - fed-up Petrov is off after snubbing club's offer'. If he were to sign the new contract that has reportedly been offered to him by the club, poor Stan would have to struggle by on a miserable £15,625 a week (£812,000 a year for five years). Pulling a peeled onion from his pocket our young Bulgarian superstar recounts how he came here as a callow youth of 19 ("the club could have done much more to help me settle in and feel a part of it"), came back from a broken leg and played on with a broken wrist, the kind of stuff which makes Roy Aitken look like Dale Winton in fact. "I haven't been at peace with myself for three years over my financial situation and it had to stop", says Stan. As far as Scoop is concerned it's quite simple: "The midfielder will leave on a Bosman when his current contract expires... Stilian might be around for any five-in-a-row party but the bottom line is Celtic have blown it and now stand to lose a £9 million asset for NOWT... Petrov has the potential to play for any top club in Europe and there will be a rush to nab him by the dominant forces in England, Italy and Spain... it looks like Celtic will regret not giving this valuable asset due care and attention. And they only have themselves to blame." You have to dig deep in Scoop's article to find the bit about Stan's current deal having two and a half years left to run.

The News of the Screws does its bit to boost morale before the Battle of Britain by featuring the views of Malcolm MacDonald, splashed all over the back page under the banner 'Larsson's just an imposter'. MacDonald concludes his assessment of the King of Kings with a prediction that "I think Blackburn will be too strong for Celtic on their own park... Celtic could go to Ewood Park and turn it on, prove me wrong and surprise everybody. But I doubt it. I doubt it very much."

Elsewhere in the morning Mason, Hibs manager Bobby Williamson calls for a strong referee for that afternoon's match at Ibrox after watching Dougie MacDonald deny Dunfermline a stonewaller on the Thursday night. In the afternoon, Celtic beat Dundee United 2:0 at Tannadice while the Huns beat Hibs 2:1 at Ibrox. Williamson's words obviously had an effect as referee Mike McCurry denies Hibs a penalty when Kontermann clearly handles the ball inside the box.

monday 11th Stilian Petrov's agent reveals that despite Scoop Guidi's contention to the contrary, his player might yet sign a new contract with Celtic. Latchezar Tanev (which roughly translates from Bulgarian as 'Bill McMurdo' we're told) is quoted in the papers as saying, "Stilian still has two and a half years left on his contract. He would never say he would never sign."

Bobby Williamson is all over the papers doing his nut about the penalty his team were denied at Ibrox. At the risk of finding himself confined to the paranoia ward beside Jimmy Calderwood and the entire Celtic support, Williamson insists, "It was a stonewall penalty, it hit the guy's hand. How does the referee not give a penalty?" Answers on a postcard please to The RefereeÕs Committee, 666 Goatshaggers Lane, Knuckletown.

All of which prompts the Retard's sports department to do a bit of research on the subject of penalties at Ibrox. It seems the last time a Scottish referee awarded anybody except Celtic a penalty at Ibrox was in December 1998. Richard Gough's contribution to the debate is to remark that when he was Rangers captain he used to say to the linesmen, "When I put my hand up it's offside, OK?" Nobody is sure whether or not to laugh at this.

Meanwhile, police reveal that that nice Ronald de Boer of Rangers was arrested the previous evening after an alleged road rage incident in Giffnock (for evidence of previous form see NTV 102 page 26 m'lud).

tuesday 12th Another boost to Celtic's UEFA Cup preparations as the Retard runs a three page story about Ian McLeod once having worn a Huns top - "chest puffed out, grinning from ear to ear" - while playing five-a-sides when he was working for Safeway in England some years ago. Exhibit A in the case for McLeod's membership of the Dark Side was later dismissed by an impeccable source who confirmed that McLeod was a Parkhead season ticket holder for four years and whose house is a 'shrine to Celtic'.

In an attempt to break into the lucrative Asian market, Dermot Desmond announces that Celtic will be undertaking a tour of Thailand in the summer and plan to open a football academy in Bangkok. In exchange the Thais have promised to send over some kick boxing experts to train the Celtic forward line how to play against Motherwell.

wednesday 13th Graeme Souness is in fine form during his pre-match press conference on the eve of the game against Celtic. "If Celtic score 1 we can score 3", said Sadam. "Hopefully by 10pm on Thursday people will be saying, 'Bloody hell, that Blackburn are a good team.'" Asked about his "Men against boys" remark he replies "I never said that."

Liverpool succumb to the same fate as Celtic as they concede three early goals in Switzerland. Their second half fight back wasnÕt enough to prevent Basel going through to the second group phase on nine points, despite conceding twelve goals in their six games. Other teams to qualify with the same or fewer points than the Hoops amassed last year are Roma (9), Ajax (8), Leverkusen (9). thursday 14th Blackburn - 10 pm.

thursday 14th 10pm, Blackburn: "Bloody hell, that Celtic are a good team."

All we need now is an easy draw in order to be in Europe after Santa's been for the first time in what seems like eons...

friday 15th ... Shite, it's Celta Vigo.

saturday 16th Plucky Rangers hold Aberdeen to a 2:2 draw at Pittodrie. Mike McCurry is the awarder of the almost obligatory penalty kick to allow Rangers the chance to equalise.

sunday 17th Celtic go back to the top of the table thanks to a 4:0 win at home to Partick Thistle. Stilian Petrov scores twice

monday 18th Following Stilian Petrov's two goals against Thistle at the weekend, Martin O'Neill tells his Monday press conference that he'd like to re-open contract negotiations with the Bulgarian. 'I want him to stay around here for the next ten or twelve years', says OFM, although the hacks seem to have ignored this as a possible hint that O'Neill himself might be sticking around a while longer.

friday 22nd Today's transfer speculation in the red tops links John Hartson with a £5.5 million transfer to Middlesbro when the transfer window reopens in January.

sunday 24th Major transfer scoops in the News of the Screws this morning. Kenny MacDonald exclusively reveals that, 'Celta Vigo striker Benni McCarthy has admitted he would happily re-kindle a move to Rangers', which emerged from the player's admission in a pre-match interview that if he had the chance he would still 'move to Scotland'. Obviously there's only one team the bold Benni would consider joining, and that's ... er... Celtic? 'Tell Martin O'Neill I want to sign for Celtic', is Michael Grant's report of the McCarthy interview in the Sunday Herald (hey, I thought this was an exclusive??). McCarthy himself was quite revelatory on his time with Ajax. In between asking his 10 year old nephew to help him download porn from the internet (he couldn't work his PC properly), he claims he and his Ajax team mates went out together 'for meals, drinks or strip shows.' His introduction to his Dutch team mates consisted of a quiet night out in town. 'They took me to the sex museum, chicks lapdancing...' The next minute four naked girls descended on him in an Amsterdam bar. Just wait till he sees Baird's - he'll be like a dog straining on a leash.

More transfer exclusives on the back page of the Screws, this time courtesy of Graeme Bryce. 'Alex McLeish is ready to pep up Rangers' title challenge by raiding Livingston for Marvin Andrews and Cherif Toure-Maman.' Get set for the January sales folks.

On the pitch, Celtic beat Livingston 2:0 thanks to a brace from Henke. Stilian Petrov is carted out of the action with a gaping mouth wound inflicted by the aforementioned Marvin Andrews.

monday 25th The Retard's build up to Thursday's UEFA Cup tie gets going with a feature by Keith Jacksie who reports with gusto that Alexander Mostovoi insists that Vigo can, 'Finish Celtic off in minutes.'

wednesday 27th With the Retard's flag-waving build up to the big game in full swing, the back page splash - under the headline 'Boring headless chickens' - is all about how 'Cocky Celta Vigo bosses last night branded Celtic boring, predictable and not fit to win the Scottish title'. A spokesperson from Not The View hit back at the Retard, branding its coverage of the Hoops, 'Boring, predictable and not fit to wrap Scottish fish suppers.' Elsewhere in the sports section, ace reporter Neil Cameron exclusively voices the opinion that Stilian Petrov should not play because he must be feeling the effects of his injured mouth. 'Of course if it was up to Petrov he would play with half his body in a cast', acknowledges Cameron, who presumably hasn't thought through how much use he'd be with half his body in a cast, possibly as a result of having had half his brain put in cast the day he joined the Retard's sports desk.

Good old Gerry Armstrong, Spanish football expert on Sky and Eurosport. He predicts a Celtic win...

thursday 28th ... And he was right. Larsson leaves it late but finally pops up with a header to enable the Hoops to take a slender 1:0 lead to Galicia. The game itself is spoiled by a French referee who seems to have learned his trade at the Marcel Marceau School Of Theatrical Gesturing, Monty Python department. In one of several incidents of Grand Guignol, the Marquis de Sad Case sends Martin O'Neill packing to the stand for overreacting to yet another preposterous decision.

december sunday 1st Fernando Ricksen drops another bombshell at one of his press conferences when he claims that the sectarian climate at Rangers forces players who are Catholics to deny their faith or face hostility. ÒIf youÕre really a Catholic and you feel too much about it you donÕt come to Rangers. You stay away. YouÕd better go to the other side or there will be a lot of problems for you.Ó The same interview was given a slightly different spin by the Sunday Mason, which chose to highlight RicksenÕs allegation that he had been receiving abusive phone calls, not from his manager but from persons undisclosed. ÒBigots taunted my sonÓ was the MasonÕs headline on page 1. Kenny MacDonald exclusively reveals in the News of the Screws that Italian Serie A club Brescia ÒHave stepped up the pressure on Celtic to resolve the Stilian Petrov wrangle - by watching him in action TWICE last week.Ó WeÕre not sure how many times KennyÕs duff transfer stories have appeared on the back pages of this particular rag but weÕre almost certain itÕs more than TWICE. The Sunday MasonÕs transfer story comes, as usual, courtesy of ÒSwoopÓ Guidi. ÒCheapskate Italians Reggina are set to offer Celtic an insulting £1 million for Henrik Larsson when the transfer window reopens in January.Ó Even by SwoopÕs dismal standards this is a poor effort. In the Premier League, Celtic beat Motherwell 3:1 at Celtic Park while at Tynecastle the Sons of William beat the Cousins of William 4:0 . Rangers are awarded a penalty and Hearts have a player sent off by Hugh Dallas. Shock waves around the country register 0.0 on the Richter Scale. monday 2nd Tom Boyd is awarded an MBE by the Queen at Buckingham Palace. ÒI feel a wee bit embarrassed but IÕm delightedÓ, he says. Celtic announce that they have organised a benefit game for the Lisbon Lions on Wednesday January 22nd. Opponents will be Feyenoord; how the players of that era must enjoy recalling the 1970 European Cup Final eh? tuesday 4th Asked by assembled hacks at his regular press conference to reply to Craig LeveinÕs rant about the Old Firm getting all the decisions against everybody else in Scot

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