May 2006

Monday 1st Shaun Maloney becomes the first player to be named both player and young player of the year by his fellow professionals in Scotland. On receiving his awards, he said: 'It's not been done before, so it's a big honour and I feel quite proud. There is no better accolade than to be voted for by your peers and it does mean a lot to me. It just makes it even more of an honour when you look at the players I was up against.' Liked that last quip. Boom boom!

Maloney also took the time to praise Gordon Strachan's part in his resurgence last season: 'At the start of the season, I didn't know what was happening and he gave me the opportunity to play. If I played well, he would stick with me. If not, I'd be straight back out the team. But, as a manager, I've got a lot to thank him for this season.'

Wednesday 3rd Second-half goals from Maciej Zurawski and Stan Varga are enough to give Celtic a final home win of the season against Kilmarnock. Prior to kick-off UEFA recognised Jock Stein's European Cup victory with a presentation made by Dr. Jo Venglos, vice-chairman of the UEFA Technical Committee, to Billy McNeill as part of a series of tributes to players and coaches who have made a special contribution to the competition, now in its 50th year. Is this conclusive proof that the European Cup and the Champs League are one and the same? If so can we stop all this first to the last 16 nonsense?

Friday 5th Having been a dead man walking for the best part of five months, the Eckmeister has one last Friday stand-up routine for the Laptop Loyal to enjoy. Included in today's hilarious set were the 'I couldn't leave Rangers at the time when we were fifth in the league - I was too embarrassed,' gag; the, 'We've got some good young kids coming through and some quality players,' sketch and the hilarious, 'We've had a very difficult season because of injuries... But we qualified for the last 16 of the Champions League,' routine.

In what was not reported the next day in the papers as a stinging attack on David Murray's Biscuit Tin mentality, McLeish went on to congratulate Hearts on coming second in the league, adding: 'Mr. Romanov has spent a bob or two and it's worked for them. We're disappointed not to be able to take it to the last game, but we were in an almost impossible position in December/January, when I decided to stay.'

For his encore, the flame-haired maestro brought the house down when he said, 'I've been at the cutting edge of football for 30 years and need to freshen up,' perhaps the first time ever the notion of Fir Park and 'cutting edge' have ever been uttered in the same sentence. How can Pepe le Pew ever beat patter like this??

More media exposure for the terminally deluded as it is reported that Rangers supporters have launched a share-save scheme they hope will raise £2m for the team within a year and be a blueprint for clubs throughout the UK. The Rangers Supporters' Trust scheme allows fans to invest a minimum £10 per month into the savings account without having to go through stockbrokers. At the minimum rate they would need 16,667 takers to raise that figure. To raise the £5.6 million being bandied about will require 46,667 subscribers. We're watching the numbers with interest, if you'll pardon the pun. The person launching the scheme said that there had already been more than 200 applications. 'If it's successful, we will be watching some good players playing for Rangers next season,' he said, helping himself to something off the free pie-in-the-sky stall before dancing off into a moonbeam.

Sunday 7th With the SPL season rapidly winding down for the summer holidays the Hoops throw away a two goal advantage at Pittodrie (Hartson and Maloney) to finish with a 2:2 draw. At Ibrox, the Eckmeister's dignified parting shot is, 'I'm proud to have left the club in a better financial state. When you cut the budget and still bring financial success, it's fantastically satisfying.' Financial success? He leaves the press room to a round of applause from the Laptop Loyal. Hunbelievable.

Monday 8th John Kennedy has been given the all-clear to begin pre-season training after more than two years out with damaged knee ligaments inflicted on him by Vorel Ganea while playing for Scotland in 2004. 'I've just had my final check-up. I had a lot of testing in Colorado last week and everything's perfect,' he said. 'I've been given the go-ahead to start pre-season training with the rest of the team.'

Tuesday 9th A crowd of 69,591 turns up at Old Trafford to watch Manchester United beat Celtic 1:0 in Roy Keane's testimonial. Keane played for Celtic in the first half and United after the break. 'This is something I'll remember for the rest of my life,' Keane told the crowd. The game is expected to raise £2.5m, the majority of which Keane will give to charity. On the subject of his future plans Keane said after the game, 'I have an appointment in the next week or two with a specialist and I will see what he says. If I am going to play it's got to be 100 per cent. It's all or nothing. I will speak to Gordon Strachan and the doctor and I am sure I will make the right decision. I am sure I could carry on at a decent level but I am about giving my best every game. It will be difficult next season, with Europe as well, and I have got to weigh up a lot of things. But I am relaxed about it. What will be will be and I am not fearful of it.'

Thursday 11th Alan Shearer comes on to score a penalty with the final kick of the game as Newcastle beat Celtic 3:2 in his testimonial match at St James' Park. The crowd of 52,275 generated about £1m for charity. 'It's just been very, very special. It was absolutely brilliant - a big thanks to them all,' said Shearer.

Friday 12th Celtic announce the third signing of the summer in the shape Derek Riordan on a pre-contract agreement, although the official site does say that he will not be eligible to play until 1 January 2007, which gives him plenty of time to find a decent barber. What with Rangers having tried to sign him in January, has Gordon Strachan struck the first psychological blow of the off-season? Ask Darryl Broadfoot, he knows all about these things.

Thursday 18th The morning after the Champions League final and, like the rest of us, Peter Lawwell has hailed Henrik Larsson and Barcelona for helping the Hoops straight into next season's group stages: 'Just as he did time and time again for Celtic, Henrik made that telling contribution. And, as a number of people have already said, he was in fact the difference the final. The part which Henrik played in last night's victory is clear for all to see and obviously everyone at Celtic is delighted for him and for Barcelona,' he said.

Celtic will be ranked in pot two of the group stage draw alongside Chelsea, Bayern Munich, Valencia, Olympique Lyonnais, Porto, PSV Eindhoven and Ajax.

Friday 19th Ex-Celt Johan Mjallby, who retired because of injury earlier this week, has been telling reporters about the highlights of his football career: 'Once you run out in a night time Champions League match at Celtic Park, you realise that you cannot get any better. I once saw a Barcelona player being sick with nerves as the Champions League music played and the noise went up from the crowd and he later told me his legs had turned to jelly.'

Tuesday 23rd Celtic fans have set new records on Day One of the European Convention in Benidorm. Tourist bosses announce that they have never had so many visitors and that 98 percent of accommodation in the surrounding areas has been filled. The previous record was set in 2003 for a rolling stones concert but the Hoops have easily outdone Mick Jagger and crew. According to the BBC's news website, 'Tourists interviewed on Local Television have been unanimously delighted that Celtic Fans are in town and the opinion of the locals is that the convention makes it fun for everyone and that the atmosphere already is something that will go down in Spanish folklore. Scottish tourist bosses are also delighted that it is Celtic who are holding the convention and have said that 'The Celtic supporters are recognised worldwide for their friendliness and good behaviour and are fantastic ambassadors for their club and country!''

Wednesday 24th By way of a slight contrast, Rangers are fined £13,300 for the conduct of their supporters during the Champions League tie with Villarreal. UEFA originally found Rangers fans not guilty of discriminatory chants but that decision was challenged by disciplinary inspector Gerhard Kapl. The governing body had said it could not tackle sectarianism because it was a particularly Scottish social problem. But Rangers have now been 'severely warned' about their responsibility for any future misconduct of their fans.

Rangers issued a statement saying: 'Rangers Football Club is disappointed by the decision by UEFA's appeals body not to uphold the original verdict of the control and disciplinary body. The appeals body has concluded that Rangers fans were guilty of discriminatory chanting at both legs of the Champions League matches against Villarreal. The club and its legal advisors put forward a strong case highlighting the important initiatives Rangers is taking to tackle sectarianism, racism and other forms of inappropriate behaviour which were complemented by the chairman of the appeals body Michel Wuilleret. The decision by UEFA should be seen as a strong warning to the minority of supporters whose inappropriate behaviour brings the club into serious disrepute. The controlling authorities in football will be monitoring closely any future misconduct by supporters in relation to sectarian and discriminatory behaviour.'

Pepperonis and large soft drinks with green and white straws all round!

One of Neil Lennon's advisers, Martin Reilly, has revealed that a dossier compiled by Hampden Park officials following the player's dismissal in last August's defeat at Ibrox was found in a skip half a mile from the national stadium. Lennon is reported as being furious with the mistake and is demanding drastic action be taken. Reilly told the Scottish Sun: 'Neil isn't happy with the situation at all. We're looking into the incident and will be asking the SFA for an explanation. And it's something we'll be discussing with our legal department. At the end of the day someone should be getting hauled over coals for this. As far as we're concerned heads should be rolling at the SFA. This is simply something which should not happen. How can paperwork, which is purely confidential, all of a sudden end up in the wrong hands? Our client's name and address is obviously something he wants to protect. Is this an innocent mistake or has it been done deliberately because it's Neil Lennon?'

Answers on a postcard please to the SFA, Knucklecrucher Lane, Goatsville.

Dundee announce that they have given up on football altogether and have appointed Alex Rae as their new player-manager. Dundee chief executive David MacKinnon said that he believed Rae was the perfect role model to help the current crop of youngsters develop at Dens Park. God help the rest of the First Division. Expect to see a few attempted decapitations on the pitch next season.

Thursday 25th Peter Lawwell tells hacks at the Daily Rectum that he spoke briefly to Henrik Larsson's agent about the possibility of the K of Ks making a return to Paradise: 'I spoke to Henrik and his agent, Rob Jansen, but three words into it I was told 'no'.' How on earth did Rob Jansen guess what the question was going to be after just three words?? 'There was no point pushing it any further as Henrik had made up his mind. All I'll say is, if Henrik had shown any interest in coming back, we'd have been keen to talk to him.'

Saturday 27th According to reports in the media today it looks as if Alan Thompson will be staying put for the final year of his contract. His agent, Tony McGill, told the Evening Times: 'We have not been told anything different by Celtic. As things stand, Alan will be staying at the club for the remainder of his contract.'

Sunday 28th Michael Kadlec has been conducting his transfer negotiations through the News of the Screws this morning: 'The offer from Celtic pleased me and I think that every footballer wanted by such a club would be interested in playing for them,' he said. 'Celtic means a great atmosphere, superb fans and a sold-out stadium all the time. I understand there is a problem over the transfer fee, but I hope Sparta will look for a fair price for me.'

Stilian Petrov has also been updating Bulgarian hacks on his situation: 'There's an interest from some English clubs, but I don't want to reveal anything at the moment. But I'm not going to feel uneasy if I stay. I'm professional and know I have four years remaining on my contract. They have great fans who make me feel at home. I want to taste something new,' he told Sofia's Radio Gong, clearly fed up with the deep fried Mars Bars and black pudding suppers. 'I love English football and I want to play in England, but I'll have to wait and see.'

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

 

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