May 2004

Saturday 1st Jackie McNamara is voted Scottish Football Writers' Association Player of the Year, narrowly beating off the challenge of Henrik Larsson and Chris Sutton.

Sunday 2nd With the kite-flying season now officially open as the end of the 2004 campaign approaches, the tabloids give their big guns plenty of space to fill up with Rangers transfer stories. A Steve Goodman 'exclusive' (carried by just about every other paper in the world) confined itself to Emile Mpenza who has apparently revealed 'he'd be delighted to talk to Alex McLeish', but he is outdone this week by Swoop Guidi in Masonsport, who has Emile Mpenza 'desperate to clinch a summer move to Rangers' and who has the Huns linked with Nacho Novo ('A fee of around £275,000 is likely to be thrashed out by the end of the week... The Dens Park outfit are desperate for the cash', writes Swoop without a hint of irony), Charlie Miller (a bit more likely), Olivier Kapo (team mate of Boumsong - 'McLeish has watched him several times') and Frederic Picquionne.

However, if it's belly laughs you want then look no further than Swoop's stable-mate Euan McLean who urgently informs us - under the headline 'McLeish: we could buy Rivaldo'- that 'Alex McLeish insists Rangers can still compete for the signature of superstars like Rivaldo.'

Scotland on Sunday publishes its annual list of 'the top 100 men and women who influence the way we live'. Up three places from last year's number 10 to this year's number 7 is Celtic manager Martin O'Neill, 'A testament not just to the way he has reversed the fortunes of Celtic since he arrived, but to how he has invigorated the game in an otherwise grim period.' A re-entry in this year's chart at 36 is David Murray, one place ahead of Cardinal Keith O'Brien. Murray was left out altogether last year but gets back in mainly due to his wheeling and dealing in the property market. Nothing to do with running the Death Star. One of this year's biggest movers is the Eckstraterrestrial; he moves 33 places down to 84th in the hit parade from 51st last year. 'Whether he can ... move up to Martin O'Neill's end of the list will depend on his success in this summer's transfer market.' Marvin Andrews or bust!

In the afternoon Dunfermline poop the party a bit by winning 2:1 at Celtic Park but it's still smiles all round at the end with the presentation of the SPL Championship trophy for the third time in four years.

Tuesday 4th The Scottish Football Writers Association announce that Martin O'Neill will collect the Manager of the Year award at their 40th anniversary dinner to be held on Sunday. With Chris Sutton and Stephen Pearson having already collected the PFU awards it means a clean sweep for the Hoops.

Another victory for Martin O'Neill as he is awarded substantial undisclosed libel damages and legal costs following a story in the Daily Record last February which claimed that OFM was going to Liverpool. O'Neill's solicitor successfully proved that the article questioned his loyalty to Celtic as well as his personal integrity, seeing as it was published after he had expressly denied in the January that he was leaving Celtic. The Record should have learned a lesson from the Observer which suffered a similar legal mauling when they published a story about O'Neill leaving to join Manchester United in December 2001.

David Murray briefly emerges from the Fuhrerbunker to declare that it was time for the cash-strapped Ibrox club to look at its finances (!). In an interview with the Financial Times the Rangers supremo unveiled his latest cunning plan to get things back on an even keel - a rights issue. Assuming that the drastic measures already in place to cut costs fail to make a significant impact on wiping out the accumulated debt (charging youth squad players to get in to first team matches and depriving hacks of chocolate biscuits during press conferences), Murray had admitted that he'll be considering asking shareholders to stump up again. Four years since the last one and with the value of shares currently worth a quarter of what they were then, who could possibly resist such an offer? Although a rights issue is normally a move associated with a business in trouble, Murray showed that he had not lost his sense of humour when he told the reporter from the FT, 'we have a tremendous stadium at £100 million (sound of jaw hitting floor), a training ground, a playing squad - assets of £150 million... (sound of side splitting open)'. The sooner that Las Vegas style casino is built the better. Jings, I'm sure the bank manager would even settle for a bingo hall at this rate.

The good news for the Huns today is that the SFA have confirmed that they are officially sponsoring Rangers' bid to avoid a five game granny against Celtic this season by confirming the appointment of Hugh Dallas as referee for the forthcoming Old Firm match this Saturday. Although Celtic won the last OF match Dallas officiated - the 1:0 cup tie in March - Hugh was outstanding that day, refusing to send off Klos following a 'Schumacher' challenge on Craig Beattie and denying Henrik Larsson a perfectly good goal. Nice to see all his effort being rewarded.

Wednesday 5th The Record is forced to print a cringing apology to Martin O'Neill which reads: 'The Daily Record in its edition of February 7th 2003 published an article headed 'I have the proof O'Neill is on his way to Liverpool says Talksport's Mike Parry'. We regret that this article alleged Mr. O'Neill had signed a pre-contract agreement to become Gerard Houllier's successor at Liverpool in the summer of 2003 when Mr. O'Neill had recently signed a new contract with Celtic. We accept that these allegations which question Mr. O'Neill's loyalty and commitment to Celtic and his integrity were without foundation. We apologise sincerely to Mr. O'Neill for the distress and anxiety caused to him and Celtic Football Club and we have agreed to pay him substantial damages and legal costs.' The Record's apology was plastered all over the back page the same way the original story was (ha ha) although there was no apology for the distress and anxiety caused to the Record's remaining Celtic supporting reader(s?). A truly heartwarming and sincere apology, we can only hope it was as spine twistingly painful to write as it was nauseating to read.

In a frank (for him) interview appearing in today's Celtic View Henrik Larsson says he has been sickened over the years by the level of sectarian hatred and racial abuse directed towards him and his team mates at certain away fixtures: 'It is scary... The hatred you encounter in some grounds is just frightening, especially when you see a grown man standing next to a kid and throwing verbal abuse at you. It does sicken me.' He doesn't specify at which venues this level of abuse is most prevalent so we'll just have to guess. Answers on a postcard please.

News from the financial pages of the Herald today is that the debts of Murray Sports, Rangers' parent company, 'Have soared to £129 million last year after the club racked up another sizeable trading loss.' Better news for concerned Bluenoses is that Dave King has increased his influence over Ibrox affairs having been appointed to the board in February this year. The article, by Paul Rogerson, goes on to say that, 'King is still thought to be embroiled in a £60 million tax wrangle with the South African authorities and has also been the subject of fraud allegations.' Phew! Can't be too long before the Aye Ready crest is pictured in the tabloids rent in twain surely?

Friday 7th Following the success of the Under 21 counterparts, Celtic Under 19s swipe the league from beneath the very noses of the Auchenhowie Juveniles PLC Select (come and get them while they're cheap, special offer for June, buy two get one free etc.) following their 4:2 victory over Aberdeen at Barrowfield. It is the first time since the leagues were reorganised that three teams from the one club have won their respective divisions, but despite recent upsurge in interest in the papers with regard to this level of football - ie when Rangers were romping away with it before Christmas - reaction in the media is somewhat lukewarm. Congratulations to them nonetheless, as they had to do it despite having the squad decimated thanks to promotions to the teams above them. Another spanner in the works of the Lower Drumchapel conveyor belt of talent.

The big Celtic transfer story of the day is that Martin O'Neill is seriously considering making a bid for Brazilian World Cup winner Rivaldo, also being pursued by Bolton.

Saturday 8th Time, surely, to put five stars above the crest on the old beloved Hoops as it's a clean sweep of five out of five wins over the Huns for the season and the first time either club has won six Old Firm games on the trot since 1915. Big Eck, the man who had the hex on OFM has now won the splendid total of two league matches against Martin O'Neill since he took over from Dick Advocaat. He's got to stay. The victory is all the sweeter as it was a superb goal in the 91st minute by Chris Sutton which silenced a defiant chorus of 'We love you Rangers...' from the dank and dingy corner of Celtic Park populated by the Denizens of the Death Star, revelling in the expectation that they were about to escape with a point. Pity. They had been in such high spirits before the game, throwing beach balls about (now there's an original idea) and chucking potatoes onto the pitch - the vegetable equivalent of throwing bananas at black players we presume. They kept the party atmosphere going throughout proceedings with their racist grunting at Celtic's black players and sectarian growling at Neil Lennon. So chuffed were they with their narrow defeat that hundreds of them departed from CP with seats as souvenirs.

Sunday 9th Rivaldo is quoted in the morning broadsheets talking about his on/off move to Bolton/ Celtic: 'It's an honour to have interest from such a great club as Celtic, because there are people there who understand and know football... If I hear directly from them we will see what happens. They are a big club in Europe and definitely the biggest in Scotland.'

Mailsport chose to give prominence on the back page not to the result - or, in the wake of Atkinsongate, the racist barracking directed at Balde and Agathe by the Rangers support - to Fernando Erection's allegations that he had been slapped in the face by Alan Thompson. 'Fernando was raging and said he had received a vicious slap across the face', said the Eckmeister after the game. 'I gave him a playful tap', said Thompson. We can only hope it was the kind of friendly tap Joe Frazier used to give his opponents. By the way, is that the same Fernando who sneaked up behind a Hibs player during the League Cup semi-final and elbowed him in the chops when he wasn't looking?

The first double of the season for Celtic in the evening as Chris Sutton and Stephen Pearson are voted by their fellow pros as Player of the Year and Young Player of the Year respectively.

Wednesday 12th A young Celtic side fight back to earn a 1:1 draw in the final away game of the season against Motherwell at Fir Park. Police are to investigate allegations that winger Ross Wallace was kicked by one of the home supporters who invaded the pitch after the final whistle. Makes a change from being kicked by one of the home players I suppose.

At Mordor, Hearts claim their first win there since 1996 thanks to a goal by Joe Hamill.

Saturday 16th In his last competitive game at Celtic Park Henrik Larsson bows out with a late double to beat Dundee United 2:1. The reception given to him by a packed Parkhead on his solo lap of honour afterwards befits a legend and has him reduced to tears. So emotional is he at the post-match press conference that he is rendered almost incoherent and is immediately offered a job by BBC Radio Scotland standing in for Chick Young.

The Huns finish their season with a 3:2 away win at Dunfermline. Following the game John McLelland gives big Eck the dreaded vote of confidence and promises the Orcs that they will soon be back at the top of the league, although he didn't specify which league.

Meanwhile the Auchenhowie Comedy Store's sensational summer season double act, Emerson and Capucho, express their disgust that Rangers are forcing them to train on without a holiday, even though the rest of us were under the impression that their holidays had started the minute they signed on at the Death Star.

Appeasement for the Bears comes by way of this morning's News of the Screws where Kenny McDonald reports in a back page exclusive that 'Rangers are homing in on Southampton striker Kevin Philips... Gers boss Alex McLeish will finally get his man in the next few weeks...'

Monday 18th The Eckmeister starts building for the future and fulfils his promise to buy younger and taller players by getting the board to buy out the contracts of Emerson and Capucho (what a fine bit of business both turned out to be) and allow him to snap up the elderly but sprightly Alex Rae (34 and 5ft 6) from one of the biggest clubs in, er, Wolverhampton. Rangers have also put Fernando Ricksen on the transfer list and have told Mikel Arteta he can leave as well.

Thursday 20th Rangers fine Bob Malcolm after it is revealed that he signed an autograph for a supporter, 'Bob Malcolm FTP'.

Friday 21st Stanislav Varga agrees a new two year deal.

Saturday 22nd Celtic beat Dunfermline 3:1 at Hampden to lift the Scottish Cup and complete another memorable double. The King of Kings signs off with two goals, Petrov rounding off a great second half display with the other. After the game Chairman Brian Quinn tells reporters that he believes Martin O'Neill will stay at Celtic.

Monday 24th Ex-Celt Tony Mowbray, instigator of the Huddle, takes over the manager's job at Easter Road.

Tuesday 25th Henrik Larsson's Farewell Fiesta at Celtic Park turns out to be a low-key and, at times, bad tempered affair against a Seville side who clearly hadn't been told they were just there to make up the numbers. The K of Ks doesn't find the net but Chris Sutton does. The party is now officially over.

Wednesday 26th Marvin Andrews demonstrates his sanity by claiming that he asked God for advice about which team to sign for. The deity apparently took time off from dealing with war, famine, pestilence and plague to tell the big lad to sign for Rangers.

Thursday 27th Martin O'Neill tells the hacks that he wants to sign at least four new top class players to have any chance at all of making progress in next season's Champions League. The board can now look for the money to finance this ambitious project while the hacks spend the summer making up stories about who these four might be.

Friday 28th Shaun Maloney, injured since the end of February, signs a new three year deal.

Saturday 29th The papers report that Neil Lennon wants to put contract negotiations on hold until Martin O'Neill's Celtic future is clarified. John Hartson, by contrast, is said to be keen to sign an extension to his contract.

Monday 31st Not one prone to overreaction, not to mention hyperbole, Rivaldo's agent claims that Martin O'Neill's offer to take his client on trial was, 'An insult to football.'

Magnus Hedman returns to Celtic allegedly 'determined to win back the goalkeeper's jersey.' Maybe it's first prize in the egg and spoon race or something.

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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