may 2003

saturday 3rd The Ticket Office announces that first preference for the precious cup final briefs will be given to fans who have registered with the European away game ticket scheme and who can prove that they have already travelled to an away game in Europe this season. Anyone else hoping for a ticket through the club will be disappointed as this is expected to account for the bulk of the tickets.

At East End Park the Hoops destroy Dunfermline to record an easy 4:1 victory and keep the pressure on twitchy Rangers. Joos Valgaeren becomes the latest in a long queue outside the treatment room door when he has to be replaced because of a back injury.

sunday 4th Big transfer story in the morning editions is Andrew Graham's 'exclusive' revelation in the News of the Screws that Bobo Balde has been attracting attention: 'Serie A giants Roma are lining up Celtic stopper Bobo Balde as a replacement for ageing Brazilian Aldair.'

In another 'exclusive', Steve Goodman has french striker Lilian Laslandes practically begging for a move to Parkhead: 'Lilian Laslandes plans to ring up Martin O'Neill and plead for a deal with Celtic rather than go back to Sunderland.

At Dens Park the title race gets a bit more interesting as the home side throw away two points against Rangers. To be fair to Dundee the plucky cash-strapped Ibrox club did get a bit of help from referee John Rowbotham who awarded the Huns slightly more than their usual quota of penalties; three this week, two of which were missed by Bammy (It's not that they weren't penalties - it's just that they're the kind of penalties that nobody else gets!). A 2:2 draw and it's all to play for now.

monday 5th The results of this year's fan poll sees Bobo Balde emerge as the supporters' Player of the Year. Henrik Larsson was named as Players' Player and Shaun Maloney as Young Player while John Hartson got Goal of the Season for his shot against Liverpool at Anfield in the UEFA Cup.

tuesday 6th Rafael Carmona, security chief in charge of the UEFA Cup final in Seville dismisses as nonsense suggestions that upwards of 50,000 Celts are mobilising to come to his city for the match against Porto. 'How many fans do Celtic have?' said a clearly bemused Carmona, 'I don't believe 50,000 fans will travel to Seville. That is madness. It is an exaggeration. I think a fair number will be around 4,000. We are talking about a final to be played on a Wednesday, a day when people normally work.'

Martin O'Neill announces that he has finally put pen to paper on his new Celtic contract and sounds suitably thrilled about it: 'I've signed the documents, so there we are. Great. It hasn't made a hap'worth of difference to me from yesterday or the day before. But if it satisfies some people then good luck to them. It won't stop me getting the bullet if results don't go right.'

wednesday 7th A towsy game at Fir Park as Terry Butcher's Motherwell lose 0:4 at home to Celtic. No complaints from the Huns as Motherwell were kicking anything that moved (anything that didn't move was kicked until it did move). Resistance was finally overcome once Adams had been sent off. Celtic go top on goal difference.

friday 9th The day the lucky ones were able to queue up outside the Parkhead ticket office to collect their briefs for Seville.

Neil Lennon is attacked in the early hours of the morning in the West End of Glasgow by two Rangers supporters. Later in the day he insists that the sectarian attack he suffered will not result in him asking for a transfer away from Glasgow. Incidentally, Lennon was described in several newspapers as 'controversial', which must mean that the more times you are victim of abuse the more 'controversial' you become.

Rangers announce the launch of their anti-bigotry campaign. Entitled 'Sense Over Sectarianism', it features the Blue Guide, which states that from now on Ibrox will be a touchy feely kinda place where everybody will 'Respect opposing fans and players regardless of race, religious beliefs or country of origin' and where the only songs sung will be, 'Traditional club songs which celebrate Rangers' history', instead of 'bigoted and obscene chants'. Coming soon: Count Dracula will be launching 'Necks Over Necrophilia', a campaign to stop vampires drinking blood, Shane McGowan will front a poster campaign discouraging alcohol abuse and Frank McAvennie will be the keynote speaker at National Celibacy Week.

saturday 10th Celtic beat Hearts 1:0 at Parkhead thanks to a controversial Allan Thompson penalty won by Chris Sutton. Controversial in the sense of one awarded to Celtic.

sunday 11th The Huns beat Kilmarnock 4:0 at Ibrox. The way Kilmarnock were playing it could easily have been double figures. 'I don't think I have ever seen Rangers play like that... and I don't think I have ever seen Ibrox like that either', said defeated boss Jim Jefferies, who was able to laugh and joke with the hacks after the match. 'I don't think I have ever heard Jefferies say these kind of things after his team has been on the receiving end of a doing at Parkhead', said a spokesman for Not The View, 'He sounds as if he quite enjoyed the experience.' The Huns go back to the top of the league.

tuesday 13th Two students are arrested in connection with the Neil Lennon incident. Bloody students!

wednesday 14th In the last home game before the UEFA Cup final Celtic turn in a great display to destroy Dundee by 6:2. The only downer was Dundee's second goal which came as the Hoops were pushing forward in the dying minutes trying to add to the goal difference.

thursday 15th Another setback for Murray Park as Celtic win the Scottish Youth Cup, beating Aberdeen by 3:1 in the final after extra time. Clearly time to start importing some dog shit to sprinkle round the hallowed turf of Auchenhowie and let the youngsters start practising dribbling round it.

sunday 18th The News of the Screws heads up its pre-Seville build-up with a back page splash 'exclusive' by Graeme Bryce. Bryce's nonsense is headlined 'We want Larss - official' and concerns Porto captain Jorge Costa begging Henrik Larsson to quit Celtic in the summer in order to sign for the Portuguese side. Also on the back page is another 'exclusive' (wow, two for the price of one) by Kenny McDonald: 'Celtic boss martin O'Neill is set to beat Rangers to the signature of Sunderland striker Kevin Philips.' McDonald also chips in with an item about Neil Lennon: 'Neil Lennon's Celtic future has been thrown into doubt after he claimed he wants to play in England again.' What Lennon actually said was, 'I love it here... I want to stay here although I ultimately fancy another crack at the Premiership.'

Elsewhere in today's Screws there is a special report from Seville by James Mulholland which warns of 'Crafty Spanish hookers planning to trap Celtic fans who arrive in Seville with no place to stay'. A local allegedly told the Screws' sleazy hack, 'The hookers have been reading in the papers about how great the Celtic fans are - and they could stand to make a fortune.' (What? Do they charge extra for standing up? puzzled ed)

The Sunday Mail's main 'human interest' story in their Seville build-up concerned a statue outside Prestwick Airport. Cobbling together a rare amount of cobblers, reporter Billy Paterson revealed that, 'Guests at the launch of a £9 million investment at Prestwick by US aircraft giants Goodrich were astounded last week by the resemblance to Hartson of the winged angel statue standing at the entrance to the Aerospace Park.'

On the pitch, the Sons of William predictably beat the Cousins of William by 2:0 to keep them top of the league.

monday 19th Incredible scenes at airports all over the country as the Celtic Haj gets into full swing.

At home, Prime Minister Tony Blair sends best wishes to Martin O'Neill as the Bhoys get down to serious preparation for the final: 'I would like to be with you in Seville... but my Away Ticket Registration was unlucky again,' said an emotional PM in the House of Commons. (Actually he claimed it was long-standing engagement which prevented him from going. Hope it was nothing to do with the girls mentioned in the previous item!)

tuesday 20th On the eve of the final Dermot Desmond insists he has no interest in a takeover bid for Manchester United: 'My commitment is to Celtic Football Club. I am emotionally committed to Celtic Football Club. Any interest that my family and I have in United is purely financial. Our hearts and minds rest with Celtic Football Club,' said Dermot, easily breaking holder Tommy Burns' record for the number of times the phrase 'Celtic Football Club' is used in one paragraph.

wednesday 21st Ah yes, the small matter of the UEFA Cup final. See reports and pics elsewhere on the site to do it full justice.

thursday 22nd The morning after. A spokesman for The British Consulate in Seville says that the fans have been 'consummate ambassadors' for Scotland.

friday 23rd The Seville hangovers have hardly cleared up but there's no time to savour the experience as another bandwagon rumbles into view. The clamour is on to get the board to go on a spending spree, as typified by Thomas Jordan in the Evening Times, who has also quickly done his sums and apparently has access to the accounts of UEFA and Celtic: 'Supporters today pleaded with Celtic money-men to help Martin O'Neill take the club to another level. The SPL Champions have banked around £17.5 million thanks to their UEFA Cup run.'

sunday 25th On the morning of the league deciders the tabloids are not shy about nailing their colours to the mast. The Screws' main story features a large picture of Henrik Larsson collecting his runners-up medal in Seville under the banner headline 'Loser!' which shares the back page with another Kenny McDonald 'exclusive': 'Rangers are set to make a THIRD attempt to sign striker Mario Jardel... which will have their fans buzzing on the way to Ibrox today' - Kenny amongst them no doubt.

In the Screws' 16-page preview of the league 'cruncher' Bryce gleefully informs us that, 'Celtic could be plunged into a Champions League crisis if they fail to clinch the SPL title today...' The crisis comes as a result of having to play an extra qualifying round against one of European football's giants from San Marino or the Faroes. Not to be outdone, rival Rangers fanzine the Sunday Mail splashes the back page of the sports section with a feature on one of the major issues of the day... Jorg Albertz and his journey from China to see the Huns.

Results go as everybody expected. Celtic beat Kilmarnock and the Huns thrash Dunfermline. Chris Sutton lands himself in trouble with remarks made after the match: 'We knew they'd lie down and they have done.'

wednesday 28th Speaking about the forthcoming Turkey versus England match and the potential for mayhem it represents, FIFA's Gerhard Eigner says, 'we will have to work closely with the FA to contain the phenomenon of fans travelling without tickets which can be very dangerous .The impeccable example of the Celtic supporters in Seville last week proves it isn't always the case but it's something we have had problems with in the past.'

Chairman Brian Quinn rules out a Celtic spending spree in the summer: 'We believe it is right to continue to seek the correct balance between football success and financial prudence. The wreckage amongst football clubs, not only in Scotland, shows how easily it is to get into serious financial difficulties while sustaining real challenges on the football field (who could he possibly have in mind?). Celtic's investors and supporters have provided the money to keep our club performing at a high level and I believe we have an obligation not to squander those resources.'

thursday 29th Today's kite-flying links Celtic with both Marcello Gallardo of Monaco and Norberto Solano of Newcastle.

David Plummer reports in the Guardian that French club Monaco - second in the French league last season - have been relegated because they have debts estimated at between £40-60 million. We know a club with bigger debts than that, don't we Bhoys and Ghirls?

friday 30th Chris Sutton's agent John Viola issues a statement reiterating his apology to Dunfermline following his remarks after the Kilmarnock match on the last day of the season. Prior to this, Dunfermline chairman John Yorkston had held his own press conference at which he told the gathered hacks, 'From many people's point of view there is a culture at Celtic where conspiracy theories abound.' A spokesman for Not The View replied, 'For Yorkston to allege we are all paranoid is outrageous and just goes to show he is part of the Scottish football conspiracy to make sure Celtic don't win anything. Can I have my medication now please nurse?'

Sutton's contrition falls on deaf ears as he is handed a four match ban for the start of the season.

Gary McAllister is reported in the Record as being about to swoop for Phil O'Donnell and Simon Donnelly. What is it with these two - do they come as a pair? Are they a double act? Is it buy one and get the other free? Could somebody please explain why they have to be sold together?

SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

 

back to top