march 2006

Friday 3rd The SPL turns down a request from Aberdeen to postpone this weekend's game at Celtic Park because of snow in the north-east. Aberdeen head of operations Duncan Fraser told his club website: 'The safety of our, Sid and Doris McBonkers, fans is absolutely paramount to us and, without trying to over-dramatise the situation, with no improvement forecast over the next 24 hours, there is a real risk of supporters becoming stranded or involved in an accident... Asking our fans to travel is bordering on the reckless.'

Gordon Strachan showed in his answers to questions on the issue from hacks that he's lost very little affection for his old club: 'I played there for a long time and once we went six weeks without a game. Nobody felt sorry for me when I didn't have any water for two weeks. I had to go to a local hotel for a shower and a bath.'

Maciej Zurawski is named as the SPL player of the month award for February after scoring 13 league goals this season - including four against Dunfermline a couple of weeks ago.

Saturday 4th Shaun Maloney's agent, Mel Stein, is reported in this morning's Daily Express as being confident that Shaunaldinho will sign a new contract to keep him playing in the Hoops for another few years: 'I have had another meeting with Peter Lawwell and we have agreed to talk again at a later date. The good thing is Celtic really want Shaun to stay and he really wants to be at Celtic for the long term.' Maloney's contract with Celtic expires at the end of next season but Stein is confident a new deal will be signed shortly. 'We are talking about a deal which could run to 2009 or 2010 and that's by far the most important of his career so far. Nobody is putting ultimatums across the table and I've always had a good relationship with Celtic while representing Shaun and Craig Beattie. It is very amicable and, hopefully, we can reach a resolution on this.'

In the afternoon's SPL games, Celtic beat the men from the frozen north 3:0 thanks to second half goals from Petrov, Maloney and Zurawski while Rangers are preparing for their visit to Spain in the Champions League with a 2:1 win against Falkirk courtesy of a helpful o.g. from Kevin Twaddle. 'We played excellent football in the first 45 minutes and their goalkeeper made some great saves,' said WGS. 'It was the most comfortable we've been in the first half for some time.'

'You must be disappointed with that first half', was the dismal Chick Young's first question in his Sportsound post-match interview.

The Eckmeister, meanwhile, is getting his excuses for Wednesday's Champions League exit in early, just in case: 'There is a bit of a flu epidemic going about ... I hope it doesn't spread because, if it does, we've got problems.' The Ibrox supremo revealed that Chris Burke and Ian Murray both have the flu. It must be the first case of a two-man 'epidemic' in the history of medicine.

Sunday 5th With ticket touts selling forgeries to Orcs desperate to see their team being evacuated from this season's Champions League in Spain, the News of the Screws' reporter James Douglas bravely points the finger: 'Celtic fans have flooded Scotland with fake briefs for Rangers' clash with Villareal - in a bid to cause crowd chaos in Spain.' The sellers are not named in Douglas's hopeless expose, but one is quoted as saying, 'We hope they create a problem over there.'

Over at Masonsport, Ewen Smith's big exclusive is that 'Rangers' hopes of landing Paul Le Guen could be sunk by a struggle to find a French school for his kids.'

Tuesday 7th Celtic defender Charlie Mulgrew, on loan at Dundee United, is named as the SPL's Young Player of the Month for February.

Wednesday 8th WGS tells hacks he'd like to complete next season's transfer business before the start of the World Cup in June: 'I hope to have all my business finalised before the World Cup starts, as we have positions we need back up for. I don't want to be in the same position as last season when it was a hectic summer.'

As expected, Rangers are dumped out of Europe. It might only have been a 1:1 draw against Villareal but according to the Laptop Loyal it was the best 1:1 draw ever. The Orcs must now wait and see what UEFA's official observer will make of an attack on the home side's team bus as it made its way to the stadium which resulted in one of its windows being broken.

Thursday 9th It's time for the rest of us to chuck it (again) as Darrell King announces that, 'David Murray today launched his Rangers revolution...' What, another one? According to Darrell, the kit deal the Orcs have signed with Umbro along with a retail sell-out to JJB Sports, 'could be worth up to £80 million.'

'Over the next ten years' is in the small print, as is the fact that around 200 people who work in Rangers' retail outlets are likely to lose their jobs.

Wait a minute. Weren't we being told that manufacturing strips yourself was the way to do it a couple of years ago, or is my memory playing tricks on me again?

Friday 10th Stephen McManus signs a new two-year contract to see him stay at Celtic Park until at least 2008, with the club having the option of a further year. 'I'm delighted to have agreed this contract and, hopefully I'll be able to enjoy some success with the club in the next few years,' he said.

In addition to the disciplinary hearing about the attack on the Villareal team bus, UEFA are to investigate allegations of bigoted chanting from Rangers fans during their Champions League ties with Villarreal. A UEFA spokeswoman informed the media: 'We are looking into complaints of possible bigoted chanting from both legs of the tie involving Rangers and Villarreal.' A UEFA panel will discuss both charges on 12 April.

A statement on the UEFA website said: 'The European governing body will give attention to the improper conduct and hooliganism of Rangers supporters in the return leg in Spain on 7 March, as well as to the fans' discriminatory chants in both fixtures.'

White smoke from the Death Star (Wrong analogy I think - Ed) as Pepe Le Pew is finally announced as their new manager.

Sunday 12th Another come from behind victory for Celtic in the SPL, this time against Hibs at Easter Road. Maloney from the spot and McManus are the scorers, with the former missing a second penalty awarded by Alan Freeland, who can kiss his hopes of getting the next Glasgow derby goodbye.

After the game Gordon Strachan paid tribute to striker Magic Zurawski whom he insisted was instrumental in the win: 'Maciej hadn't seen his team-mates for the last few days because he had a virus but he arrived this morning and said he'd give it a go,' said Strachan, obviously unaware that he was 50% of the way towards having an epidemic on his hands.

Monday 13th A sad day with the news that Celtic's Greatest, Jimmy Johnstone has died at the age of 61 after a long battle with motor neurone disease. Jinky's family later release a statement on Celtic's website: 'Although Jimmy was one of the finest footballers ever, he was also a great man off the field as a husband, father and grandfather. Despite serious illness, the courage, strength and appetite for life which Jimmy showed was an inspiration to everyone who met him. Jimmy will be sadly missed by so many people but the memories he gave us all will live on forever.'

Tributes to the wee man start pouring in from all over the football world, led by Billy McNeill: 'Jimmy was a lovely wee man and was a team-mate and a friend to all of us. I was lucky enough to play alongside him but I have as much respect for the courageous way he handled his illness. He loved the Celtic fans.'

Thursday 16th A difficult week in terms of the build-up to the CIS Cup final, not made any easier by newspaper reports highlighting Roy Keane's admission that his future might be unclear at the end of the season, with a long-term hip problem concerning him. Gordon Strachan is having to play it all down: 'That's exactly what he said to me when he signed, we would have a look at it again in the summer which you do at that age. It is something that goes on late in your football career. It caused a fair bit of stir in the media world, but nobody has mentioned a thing in the Celtic training camp. You look at your career at the end of every season whether you have got a contract or not. He is just warning everybody that there could be something around the corner. But at the moment, his hip is fine, he is playing great and is loving the club. The players love him so the world is good for Roy Keane and anyone associated with him.'

Friday 17th Extraordinary scenes as Jinky takes his final journey past Celtic Park on the way from his funeral service in Uddingston. An estimated 20,000 fans line the route to pay their respects to the wee man.

Saturday 18th Craig Beattie, out injured since October, may miss the rest of the season after sustaining another hamstring injury. 'Craig has tweaked his hamstring, it's not the same injury but similar,' said WGS. 'I hope he can come back before the season ends but I don't know.'

Press reports are claiming that Lothar Matthaus has told Bayern Munich they should sign Stilian Petrov as a replacement for outgoing captain Michael Ballack. Matthaus is quoted in Sport Bild magazine as saying: 'I know him from Hungary's games against Bulgaria. He plays with his sleeves rolled up and is a leader for 90 minutes. Magath ... will try to get a player who is more respected by others, a classic number eight, not a Ballack-type not a phenomenal footballer but a personality. Magath brought along the name of Mark van Bommel but I'm bringing along another one, Stilian Petrov from Celtic.'

Sunday 19th The Screws leads its back page on the day of the CIS Cup final with an exclusive by Jim Keat claiming that Arsenal's Robert Pires, 'was last night being lined up for a shock move to Rangers... Pires met new Rangers boss Paul le Guen in Paris last week... The Frenchman wants Pires as his first signing... A source close to Le Guen revealed: 'He would be an exciting signing for Rangers fans and this is the calibre of player Paul is targeting.''

The Screws' other major exclusive on this morning's back page is by Graham Nickless, who informs us that: 'Nottingham Forest want to offer old boy Roy Keane his first job in management... And the 34 year-old is said to be keen on making a return to the City Ground.' In the early afternoon SPL match hearts and Rangers fight out a stultifying 1:1 draw.

Before the game most of those in attendance observe the SFA's request for a minute's applause in memory of Jimmy Johnstone. One notable abstention was on the bench of Dignity FC (above).

Later, WGS lifts his first trophy as Celtic manager with Hoops winning 3:0 against Dunfermline in the League Cup final. As a tribute to Jimmy Johnstone the players all turn out wearing the old style number 7 shorts before donning the new style number 7 jerseys for the post-match celebrations. 'Some of the football was excellent, which the wee man would have liked,' said WGS after the game. 'It is the first trophy I have won and the first as a new group so, hopefully, there will be more. When the second goal went away, I knew that was us on the way. The supporters are fantastic and it was good to see people enjoying themselves.'

On picking up his first trophy as Celtic captain Neil Lennon said, 'It was everything I thought it would be - a magic moment. I was really nervous. With the way the week has gone, there was extra significance on the game but the lads were brilliant and dominated the game. We scored three good goals and we couldn't ask for any more from the players. We will enjoy tonight and then regroup for the rest of the league.'

Monday 20th Not wishing to take the shine off Celtic's first trophy win of the season, the Daily Rectum's sports pages are filled with a non-story about what Neil Lennon is alleged to have said to Greg Shields of Dunfermline during Sunday's match: 'Lennon was bang out of order towards his fellow professionals during the game,' said Shields. 'It's disappointing to have to share the pitch with someone like Lennon. He had a fly kick at Lee Makel and one of the boys said something to him about it. He responded by saying he was a rich so-and-so. I told him he was unprofessional and should never speak to people like that, especially ones he's sharing a pitch with. But he kept going on about how rich he was and telling us he was minted. For someone to be Celtic captain and talk this way is not on. Lennon was out of order and that's why I was mad at him. I avoided him at full-time and there was no chance I was going to shake his hand. You can call me a bad loser but I don't want to be in the company of people who are like that.'

Neil Lennon was equally infuriated by Shields' comments and had a go back on the Celtic website: 'I am disgusted by some of the comments made, because they are simply not true. I think people should take a look at themselves before making comments about me being 'unprofessional'. It is very disappointing that someone has tried to paint me in this way, particularly given some of the comments which were directed at myself during the match. If I ran to journalists every time something was said to me, you could fill the papers every week. I am livid about it, but I know I am not going to let it spoil my week.'

Arsenal midfielder Robert Pires has not held talks with Rangers, according to his agent. The News of the Screws claimed Pires had agreed a summer Bosman move to Rangers. But Stephane Courbis said: 'It's not true. We are only talking with Arsenal for the moment.'

Wednesday 21st Gordon Strachan is happy to get three points in a home win against Inverness, even if it was a bit of a dour struggle at times: 'You can't play fantastic all the time. But that's us 17 points clear and the players should be congratulated for that. We got a scare at the end but apart from that, I felt we were really comfortable.'

Thursday 22nd Roy Keane's agent has denied that the player has held talks with his old club Nottingham Forest over their vacant manager's position, as reported in the News of the Screws. Michael Kennedy told the BBC: 'It's not true he's had talks, he has not spoken with anyone about a job.'

Friday 23rd Shaun Maloney tells reporters he sees his long-term future at Celtic Park as the club open negotiations with him concerning a new contract: 'I'm very happy here, especially now that I'm in the first team. I wasn't happy being a squad player and the manager has to take some credit for what I've done this season. If it hadn't happened for me this season I would have looked seriously at going, but the manager has given me this chance.'

Sunday 26th Celtic take another step nearer the title with a 2:0 win away at Almondvale. 'We've got a big chance to win it in 10 days,' said WGS afterwards, 'It's in our own hands. For 15 minutes we were really hot, so it's been a good week for us, with the League Cup win last week and the win over Inverness on Wednesday. I'm happy with the points.'

Tuesday 28th The committee organising Alan Shearer's testimonial match against Celtic at St. James' Park have announced that the game is a sell-out.

Wednesday 29th Our best wishes for a speedy recovery go to Tommy Burns following the news released on the club's website that he is to undergo treatment for skin cancer. Celtic's site stated: 'It goes without saying that Tommy will receive every possible support from the club and his many friends. Anyone who knows Tommy will be well aware of his determined and positive attitude. His doctors are optimistic.'

Thursday 30th The Daily Rectum is stitched up again as they run a story claiming that Jackie McNamara will be returning to Celtic after just one season away having failed to settle in Wolverhampton. McNamara told his club website: 'I have just bought a house in the area. I have got a contract at Wolves for another season and I am concentrating on getting back to full fitness and maybe playing some part this season.' McNamara's agent, Darren Jackson, also described the newspaper reports as 'nonsense'.

Manchester United confirm that Old Trafford will host Roy Keane's testimonial match with Celtic on 9 May. Keane said: 'I am grateful to Manchester United for awarding me a testimonial game and to Celtic for agreeing to participate in it. I look forward to returning to express my appreciation to the fans for the support that they have given me.'

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER