march 2005

Wednesday 2nd The BBC's website reports that QPR and Wolverhampton Wanderers remain interested in signing Momo Sylla in the summer. Both clubs apparently expressed an interest during the January transfer window without a transfer materialising.

Darrell King and Ronnie Cully, the Evening Times' answer to Woodward and Bernstein, reveal that 'Celtic are set to be handed a controversial double advantage over Rangers in the title run-in... If the SPL splits as it stands today, Rangers will be forced to play for a THIRD time away to either Aberdeen, Hearts or Motherwell... Having to travel for a third time to a tricky ground while Celtic play at home for the third time against a top six side would be another huge obstacle in the path of the Ibrox club.'

With the SPL almost handing Celtic the title on a plate it's up to the match officials to help redress the balance. As Celtic are beating Dundee 3:0 at Parkhead, Rangers get all three points at Tynecastle courtesy of an injury time 'penalty' awarded by Hugh Dallas and linesman Andy Davis. In the following melee Hearts Lithuanian forward Mikoliunas - clearly unused to such officiating - receives a double red card while his manager poses a few rhetorical questions after the match: 'People have got to take into account why he was incensed. Why were 10,000 hearts fans incensed? Why did nobody from the Rangers bench claim for a penalty?' Answers on a postcard please to The Referees Committee, 666 Goatshaggers Lane, Knuckletown.

Thursday 3rd Having been binned by Celtic, Umbro are now teaming up with Rangers in a deal announced today by the cash-strapped Ibrox club. Darrell King can hardly contain himself: 'Rangers' new sponsorship deal with Umbro could rake in a staggering £32 million over the next four years... Umbro - who will end their deal with Celtic next season after the Hoops agreed a £25 million five year deal with Nike - are now paying (Rangers) £1.5 million per season on a four year deal to have their name on all strips and training gear.' Leaving aside the fact that it is Celtic who are ending the deal with Umbro in the summer and not, as Darrell would have us believe, the other way round, in case anybody's wondering about the shortfall between the guaranteed income of £6 million paid by Umbro to Mordor and the 'staggering' figure of £32 million, the other £28 million will be dependent on sales of merchandise. Celtic's £25 million is guaranteed before any merchandise is sold. You don't have to be Donald Trump to figure who's got the best deal out of these two.

Friday 4th At the risk of being accused of paranoia, Hearts have asked the SFA to investigate the match officials' decision to award Rangers their points-winning penalty at Tynecastle. Chief Executive Sorgejus Fedotovas said: 'Hearts have asked the SFA President to instigate an enquiry into the integrity of the decision ... We are concerned at the manner in which we were deprived of what could prove a very valuable point... I think it should be replayed if the result of the investigation shows there was something wrong.'

The Friday press conference sees Martin O'Neill predictably having to answer questions from the Laptop Loyal in the wake of Tyniegate suggesting that referees favour both Celtic and Rangers: 'You'll have us playing at Hearts the other night then. The Old Firm? I don't buy that about the Old Firm. That game and that decision had nothing to do with us.'

Saturday 5th No escapes this weekend as Rangers concede a last-minute goal against Inverness at Ibrox to drop another two points at home. Scorer is non other than ex-Celt Bryan Prunty.

Sunday 6th More from 'busty Mickala Jamil... the stunning 34DD beauty' (complete with tasteful 'glamour shot') in this morning's Screws on the subject of Craig Bellamy, courtesy of Jacqueline McGhie. Following on from the incident during last week's Clyde game, the lapdancer suddenly remembered how she'd 'lost count of the number of times' she broke up fights during nights out in Newcastle because Bellamy would brag to fans that they'd never be able afford his lifestyle. Not that the Screws has an agenda about these things, or anything, but McGhie seemed to be somewhat pleased at the reaction to her effort last weekend: 'Just hours after our story reached the streets on Sunday big headed Bellamy was named Scottish football's public enemy No 1.'

One of Celtic's best performances of the season results in a 3:1 win at Easter Road.

Monday 7th An independent review for the Scottish Parliament shows that SPL clubs are now spending £7.2 million between them on youth development, with Celtic investing £1.6 m and the 'Murray Park Conveyor Belt of Talent' (dux pupil Bob Malcolm FTP) swallowing up five hundred grand more than that.

Tuesday 8th Grand High Worshipful Ferret (Third Degree) of the Scottish Referees George Cumming remained tight lipped and ashen faced today as he defended his Brothers in Black: 'All over the world the one thing recognised about the referees here is that they have integrity. We don't have dishonest refs', he said, before removing the peeled onion from under his nose and returning it to his pocket.

An angry church minister and his supporters have petitioned Rangers to stop the Orcs singing a version of the Boys Brigade anthem 'Will Your Anchor Hold' which has had words penned by Andy Cameron (described by a former BB officer as 'a mindless parody'). The Rev. Eric Hudson told reporters: 'In Sunday school I used to sing 'Follow, Follow, we will follow Jesus.' I'm sure its demise was hastened by the use of it by Rangers fans for their songs.' As an alternative, a spokesman for Not The View suggested the BB could perhaps do its bit for ending sectarianism by adopting a Celtic song for its own use: ''The Boys of the Old Boys Brigade' is a catchy title.'

Wednesday 9th Kevin Keegan quits as boss of Manchester City. We all know what's coming next.

According to Setanta's website, 'Celtic fans are furious after an invitation was extended to former striker Maurice 'Mo' Johnston to play in a charity match later this month... Johnston was asked to play in an Old Firm Legends match on March 23 at Hampden to help raise cash for two charities. He was asked to play one half of the match in Rangers kit and the other half in Celtic colours. However, Celtic fans remain so upset by his 'betrayal' that they have bombarded supporters' websites branding him 'Judas'.

Today is the fortieth anniversary of the date Jock Stein took over as manager at Celtic. For a full appreciation of this momentous event in the club's history check out our website (www.ntvcelticfanzine.com) and click on the history link.

The benefits of The Murray Park Conveyor Belt of Talent are further illustrated as the death star Under 19s lose 4:3 to St. Mirren in the Scottish Cup. Star of the future Jordan Mcmillan is shown three red cards for adopting an aggressive posture towards the referee.

Thursday 10th Press reports are now saying that Maurice Johnston has pulled out of the Auld Old Firm charity match because 'Celtic fans who had bought tickets made it clear they would stay away if he played.' (Evening Times)

Friday 11th Martin O'Neill says he is not interested in the Manchester City job - and has had a go at hacks for linking him with the post: 'You are talking to the longest-serving manager in the SPL. Why would you ask me about this job at this stage of the season when you know we have some important games coming up? I have answered the question, I am here and I would imagine that I will be here next week and the week after that. Who knows? At one stage, you will ask me and I might have some different news for you. I have been asked this question umpteen times over a period of years and now I am sitting here being asked the same old questions. At some stage, if results don't go well, you will be sitting here with someone else. I think the fans realise that I am still here at the football club. I have been asked whether I will be leaving this football club every single day since I have been here and I'm still here and I am very pleased to be here.'

Saturday 12th Celtic are set to tour the USA again this summer with another money-spinning jaunt to the eat coast in the pipeline. Summer pre-season tournament organisers ChampionsWorld have claimed they would rather have Celtic tour the USA to take part in this year's friendlies than Rangers, even if the cash-strapped Ibrox club finish the season as champ ions. Chief executive officer of ChampionsWorld, Charlie Stillitano, confirmed that, while talks had taken place with Rangers, they would again not be invited this year. With Celtic looking certain to take on the likes of AC Milan, Barcelona and Lyon, Rangers chief executive Martin Bain insists that, 'We are buttoning down a pre-season tour to Canada right now. That hits an ex-pat base for us and we also run a lot soccer camps out there. We'll play one or two glamour matches. We've been criticised in the past because I've been asked why are Rangers in Austria when Celtic are in America for the ChampionsWorld, but the bottom line for us is that our focus has to be Europe and the Champions League. We don't want anything to detract from that, whether it be long- haul flights or time zones. (It really paid off for them last summer didn't it? Incredulous Ed) That is why we will do Canada early and then come home and play one match - Borussia Moenchengladbach are the team we are talking to because that would see Dick Advocaat and Craig Moore coming back. (How glamourous can you get? Cynical Ed) We'd like to get a full house for that commercially and then there is room for another game and the opportunity to make maybe another £500,000.' Wow, half a million per friendly? Why don't they organise ten more and wipe out the rest of their debt? (Bain neglected to mention that they are considering another glamour friendly against Linfield in Belfast at the end of July)

In the afternoon's SPL match Celtic make a healthy dent in the goal difference differential with an entertaining 6:0 demolition of Dunfermline. After the game Martin O'Neill says he is not expecting man of the Match Craig Bellamy to stay in Scotland after this season, believing the club wouldn't be able to afford the transfer fee to land the player permanently: 'In the particular climate we are involved in at this minute it would probably be unlikely we would be able to afford the fee for him but things might change. If he does fantastically well and wants to stay and become a massive hit with the supporters then it would make it easier for us to go and try and look at ways of trying to keep him but I think that is all premature. Lots of things are based on whether we qualify for the Champions League or not. Craig's contract with us is up in May and Newcastle have put a price on him and it is there for anyone to make a bid. My own view is that it is too early to call.'

Dragan Mladenovich - the only player who was actually bought outright by the Eckmeister last summer - has been dumped back on the Ibrox doorstep after being sent packing by Real Sociedad where he played just 70 minutes in four appearances. The good news is he has just the three years left on his four year contract.

Sunday 13th The Sunday Mason's Charles Lavery reports in an exclusive Karen Johnston's claims that her husband had no idea he was supposed to have been playing in a charity match in Glasgow, far less sparking off a fans' bombardment of websites calling him a Judas: 'He never spoke to one single person about a charity match. The fiasco that was created saying that he would play for one team and then the other is just nonsense. There will be lawyers and law suits over this. Saying that he's pulled out and is bowing to Celtic fans is absolute nonsense.'

Wednesday 16th In a move that's in no way an attempt to limit the damage done to his public image as a result of his shambolic appearance on the Panorama documentary, David Murray issues another 20 point plan to 'beat the bigots'. 'There is simply no place at Ibrox any more for the FTP brigade,' he said in the Rangers News, 'and those who would have us wading through Fenian blood.'

In the evening Celtic beat Inverness 2:0 to move within a point of the top of the league.

Saturday 19th The proverbial five goal thriller at Tannadice sees Celtic finally emerge with all three points thanks to a hat-trick by Craig Bellamy and a great stop in the last minute by Rab Douglas. The post-match talk was dominated by questions over whether Bellamy would be prepared to extend his stay in the Hoops. He said, 'Of course I'd be happy to stay here, but I am realistic and know what Celtic have to offer and what money they have. I want to put them in the situation where they do nothing else but sign me. The next club that I go to is a massive move. I will be turning 26 in July and this is a big stage in my career. I want to play in the Champions League,' which isn't quite saying he's saying but it's about as near as we're going to get at the moment. Bellamy went on, 'I want to make a mark in Scotland and people say you get judged on Old Firm games, so you will have to watch me in the Ibrox game. I am desperate, especially after the letdown from the first game. I don't want to be going back down south and Celtic saying 'Thank God for that'. I want to make a really big impression. To play in front of these fans is special.'

Quizzed about Bellamy's comments Martin O'Neill replied, 'I am sure he will not be short of offers at the end of the season, but we'll just have to find the money.'

Meanwhile, MON has confirmed that Juninho is looking for a return to Brazil: 'Juninho came to see me to ask me about leaving. He has said a number of clubs are interested in him and their league is starting up soon. He wants to end his career in Brazil anyway and he'd like to go now. So, if he feels that way, then what can you do? But there has been no contact whatsoever from any club.'

Tuesday 22nd In what is bound to be a pub trivia quiz question of the future, Parkhead 'keeper coach Terry Gennoe finds himself bereft of anyone to coach this week as Rab Douglas, on duty with full Scotland squad, is joined in Italy by David Marshall, who is in line to play for the U-21s, while Magnus Hedman joins up with Sweden, hoping to get the chance to face Stilian Petrov in Bulgaria on Saturday. Talk about strength in depth!

Wednesday 23rd The so-called 'Auld Old Firm' charity match turns out to be flop as less than 10,000 people turn out at Hampden to see a 1:1 draw between two sides comprising Celtic and Rangers legends, although a quick perusal of the teams begs the question what do you have to achieve these days to be considered a legend? A ticket-sale blunder outside the National Stadium is blamed by organisers who say that thousands were locked out. They claim that there could now be no money left over once all the bills for organising the match are settled. 'We had to pay for the police, the security and for the cost of hiring the stadium. The running costs of the game have to come first. There will be money for the charities if everyone is prepared to waive their fee but I can't see that happening.' The media seem reluctant to accept that the reason for the poor attendance might have something to do with the bad publicity generated by David Murray following the last staging of such a fixture a few years ago when David Murray revealed that only 10% or so of the admission fee would be going to charity.

Monday 28th Still seething after seeing their team denied a draw against Rangers thanks to the intervention of linesman Andy Davies, Hearts supporters are calling on the Scottish Football Association to ensure that match officials disclose which teams they support in a bid to ensure there is no bias in favour of Celtic or Rangers. Where Celtic fit in to all this isn't exactly made clear, but groups representing supporters of the Cousins of William have apparently written to the SFA asking it to note the allegiances of referees and assistant referees and their track record in matches involving Celtic and Rangers. Their two main proposals include compiling an independent statistical analysis of refereeing decisions from the past two seasons and for the next season involving either Rangers or Celtic. They say that before the start of next season all Premierleague referees and assistant referees should state which, if any, SPL teams they have previously supported (ie Rangers) as is the norm down south. In a short statement, the signatories to the letter told reporters: 'We cannot overstate how serious we think this matter is. We believe it has gone unchallenged for far too long. It is not the integrity of individual officials at stake here, or even the integrity of one decision. It is the integrity of Scottish football as a whole.'

Tuesday 29th Officials from Dundee have described football roadshows held over the Easter holidays on Tayside by Celtic and Rangers as 'marginally less welcome than the plague.' The Dens Park club have accused Celtic and Rangers of muscling in on their community and stealing their young stars and potential fans (Sid and Doris Bonkers). They have appealed to youngsters in the city to turn their back on the shows and support and play for their local clubs. A spokesman for the Celtic fanzine Not The View was said to have been horrified at the the thought of inflicting such cruelty on the children concerned and was about to phone Esther Rantzen as soon as George of the Jungle was finished talking to his bookie. Niall Scott, the spokesman for Dundee, said he realised that the Glasgow clubs had every right to take their football roadshows wherever they liked, but claimed they were designed to poach away supporters and potential young players from Tayside to the west of Scotland: 'From a footballing perspective there will be many in the City of Discovery who will consider the Glasgow clubs' incursion into Dundee to be marginally less welcome than the plague,' said Scott. 'If Rangers and Celtic continue to weaken provincial football in Scotland by using their disproportionate financial muscle to siphon off the support and playing talent of other clubs, ultimately they only weaken themselves and their ambitions to match the standards required to compete seriously in Europe. By their own admission, they need quality competition in the league, and trying to buy the affections of fans from distant communities which have nothing in common with the unfortunate baggage of either club seems an odd way to go about it.' Pulling a peeled onion from his pocket and holding it up to his nose Scott went on, 'One of the saddest sights in Scottish football is watching the big white buses leaving towns and cities across the country to go to Glasgow and support one of the Old Firm. We can only concentrate on our own efforts to win the hearts and minds of young football fans in the city and trust that the success of our own programme of community soccer initiatives over Easter won't be unduly affected.'

Another spokesman from Celtic fanzine Not The View suggested later that Dundee had more than got their own back on Rangers by selling them Dariusz Adamczuk, Zurab Khizanishvili, Gavin Rae and Nacho Novo.

Wednesday 30th As gleefully reported by the Daily Rectum under the headline JUNINHO: LONG-BALL GAME NO USE TO ME, our departing Brazillian has had a lyrical wax on the subject of Scottish football in general, and Celtic in particular: 'I want to go back to Brazil and play football. I adapted to English football and I thought the style would be the same in Scotland. I waited and tried to adapt but the coaches and players have a different way of thinking here. The coach asked me to act outside my natural instincts. Here it is not in the mentality to pass the ball in midfield. It goes directly to the attack and it makes it difficult for midfield players.'

Thursday 31st Celtic report an improved financial performance for the six months leading up to 31 December 2004. Pre-tax profit is £2.04m and group turnover has increased by 8% to £38.98m. Debt has been reduced to £17.38m but chairman Brian Quinn was quick to put the kybosh on anyone planning a street party in celebration: 'Elimination from Europe in December and the fact that we will play fewer home games in the second half of the year will lead to lower revenues,' he said. 'Ticket sales and multi media revenues rose by 14% and 30% respectively, largely as a result of participation in the UEFA Champions League and the increase in season-ticket pricing implemented earlier in the year. There was also an additional domestic league game compared to the corresponding period a year ago.' Which is one way, I suppose, of keeping expectations... er ... realistic.

Never the paper to revel in a Celtic bad news story, the Daily Rectum is grieving under the headline: ROSS AND LOSS GIVE CELTS HEARTACHE. The 'Ross' in question concerns an injury to Ross Wallace while the 'heartache' came about as a result of losing in Ricky Gillies' Testimonial at Love Street. 'Wallace crashed to the deck and was helped off by Gillies and Hoops physio Graeme Parsons. Saints finally made the breakthrough to pile on the agony for Celtic as sub McGinty burst through on the right of the box to rifle an explosive shot past Wood (who he? Ed) from the far corner of the six-yard box.' Agony? Heartache?? A crisis must surely be imminent.

Responding to Dundee's statement on Tuesday regarding Celtic and Rangers offering roadshows in the home town of the Broons and Desperate Dan, a spokesman for Celtic stated: 'These comments are astonishing and made from a position of ignorance. We run courses throughout Scotland and, in terms of the Dundee courses, we have had positive feedback from children and parents.'

 

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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