March 2004

Monday 1st Henning Berg brings some much needed harmony to the Ibrox dressing room by claiming in a Norwegian newspaper that Frank de Boer is only playing ahead of him because Dick Advocaat needs Eck to do him a favour.

Wednesday 3rd Hearts unveil a plan to play an SPL game against Celtic in the 90,000 capacity Melbourne Cricket Ground. Supporters clubs around the country are trying to work out what time their buses should leave at in order to catch a pint or two before the kick-off.

Celtic lose 1:0 in Teplice but go through to the next round of the UEFA Cup on aggregate. The bad news is Chris Sutton hobbling off with an injury leaving us with just Larsson and Beattie as the only two fit forwards left. Thank goodness we don't have to play one of the big teams in the Scottish Cup this weekend or this might be worrying.

Thursday 6th Neil Lennon's lawyer, Julian Green, announces that the player will be taking legal action against the Daily Record after Mr. Justice Tugendhat ruled the tabloid's infamous 'Thugs and Thieves' story published in December 2002 had damaged Lennon's 'substantial reputation' in England. 'The position is that Neil will be pursuing his action in England until the Record sees sense and either they make us a proper offer or we win at trial,' said Green.

Friday 5th A serious shortage of diddy teams in the draw for the next round of the UEFA Cup sees unseeded Celtic pulled out of the hat to face Barcelona. Elsewhere in Spain, six Leicester City players are banged up in a Spanish nick after a night out during their training camp. Among them is Paul Dickov, who is immediately rumoured to be offered a move to Rangers. However, the player is allegedly reported to have immediately rejected such speculation out of hand by claiming that he'd rather stay where he is... at least he's still in Europe.

The Glasgow Evening Times has an exclusive on its back page wherein chief Hun writer Darrell King (Billy) informs us that 'Celtic's fans give Gers £500k' as a result of the gate money for the Scottish Cup tie being split 60-40 between the participating teams. King does not point out that it's not the first time a hard-up Scottish club has been praying to be drawn away at Paradise in order to grab themselves a big pay day, nor that we're only too happy to continue the charitable traditions associated with the club by helping out the wee teams.

Saturday 6th FIFA Executive Committee member and French football legend Michel Platini calls for UEFA opponents Barcelona to be expelled from this season's competition because of their financial situation. Platini claims that well managed clubs like Celtic should have to face sides who have racked up huge debts but who still persist in buying expensive new players. Up to their cojones in the red, Barca were still able to buy Ronaldinho from PSG last summer. 'We can't be running competitions with clubs who are millions in the red alongside others who run their affairs correctly,' said Platini, dropping a huge hint that next season's SPL championship will contested by just Celtic and Partick Thistle. 'It's cheating', he went on, 'and if that means kicking out Real Madrid or Barcelona then so be it.'

Hear hear, we say, and into the bargain we would like to advocate that Barcelona's next round opponents should get to pick one of their star players - say Ronaldinho - on a free transfer.

Sunday 7th A special report in the News of the Screws on 'the shocking state of our game' by Kenny MacDonald reveals debt figures which prove that, 'Scottish football is lurching towards meltdown with cash-strapped Rangers leading the way to financial oblivion.' At the end of a week which saw the Death Star share price drop to 82p (not too long ago they were £6 each), former Rangers director Hugh Adam is quoted as saying: 'The bottom line is Rangers are in a very bad way financially... The way the debts are going - and considering their inability to trade their way out of them - bankruptcy has to be considered.'

Over at red top rivals the Sunday Mail, the big cup tie preview is fairly muted given Rangers' chances of getting a result. A defiant 'we'll win to save the season' interview with Craig Moore is printed alongside a clutching-at-straws piece by Swoop Guidi - an interview with Youri Djorkaeff in which he extols the virtues of Ibrox soon-to-be-legend Jean-Alain Boumsong while offering comfort to long-suffering Huns by revealing that he nearly signed for Rangers. For £6 million you know. True, it was six years ago, but still...

Before the kick-off at Celtic the visiting Visigoths attempt to get themselves into a party mood by throwing some streamers onto the pitch, before big Eck goes and spoils it all by throwing his stumors onto the pitch. Despite being bereft of all but one first team striker, the High Noon cup showdown sees the Huns' season finally gunned down outside the last chance saloon thanks to a Henrik Larsson goal. The result is hailed in some quarters as practically a mortal victory for Rangers, possibly because the cash-strapped Kinning Park giants managed a shot at goal this time, even if it was in the 89th minute.

Monday 8th In the aftermath of the Old Firm game a spokesman for Strathclyde Police confirms that the Feds are investigating an incident involving Rangers superstar Maurice Ross who is alleged to have struck a Celtic fan in row 76 of the Main Stand with a ball while warming-up at half-time. The police later accept Ross's excuse that the ball was, in fact, a pass aimed at a team mate standing five yards away which had been hit with the player's usual degree of accuracy.

Thursday 11th Against the backdrop of the Madrid bomb atrocity, UEFA reject Barcelona's request to postpone the cup tie at Celtic Park. As a mark of respect for the visitors the pre-match build-up is kept very low-key and includes a Walk-On dedicated to the victims and a minute's silence, the latter unfortunately desecrated by some cretins in the away end.

Alan Thompson's goal gives us a precious 1:0 lead to take to Catalonia where the Hoops will have to do without the services of Rab Douglas, red-carded at half-time along with Barcelona's Motta after a rammy in the tunnel. 'There was a bit of aggression on the way to the dressing room', said Barca coach Frank Rijkaard, 'But don't say Barcelona players were involved. This kind of thing has no place in sport,' added the man best remembered for landing a disgusting grogger on the back of Rudi Voeller's head while playing for Holland against Germany during the 1990 World Cup in Italy. Thanks for the lecture on sportsmanship Frank. Coming soon: Jose Mourinho, coach of FC Porto, on why diving has to be eradicated from the modern game.

Sunday 14th Celtic's run of consecutive victories comes to an end as a much changed starting eleven - even Henke was relegated to the bench - toughs out a 1:1 draw against Motherwell, although our unbeaten run at home now extends to 75 matches. In fact Motherwell are the first SPL team to leave Celtic Park with a point since Rangers did it in October 2002.

Friday 19th Dates are announced for this summer's money-spinning tour of the States. Celtic will play Chelsea in Seattle on July 24th (we won't be losing any sleep over that one - geddit???) (You're fired - Ed), Manchester United in Philadelphia on July 28th, Liverpool in East Hartford, Connecticut on July 31st and will finish with a game against Roma in Toronto on July 31st. Also featuring in the seven team Champions World tournament will be AC Milan, Juventus and Barcelona. Last year the matches were broadcast live to more than 70 million homes in the USA and around 50 countries wordwide. David McNally, Celtic's head of sales and marketing, claims the exposure in such a high profile event will further enhance the club's profile in North America: 'Our research shows we have over one million fans in North America and we will be undertaking a number of initiatives to build on these very strong foundations.' Rangers' pre-season plans have yet to be announced but are expected to include another glamour friendly against Linfield which will further raise the Kinning Park club's profile in large parts of Belfast.

Saturday 20th Joe Lovejoy in the London Times has some more upbeat news for us as the Hoops prepare to take on Barca: 'Chelsea are looking for a British style manager to put down roots and build sustained success at Stamford Bridge with Celtic's Martin O'Neill emerging as the preferred candidate.'

Sunday 21st The Scottish tabloid Sundays once again do their bit for morale in the build-up to the second leg against Barcelona. 'The big exclusive' by Andrew Graham in the News of the Screws is that, 'Paul Sturrock is ready to make Celtic star Alan Thompson his first major signing for Southampton.'

The Mail's back page 'exclusive' (Euan McLean) features an interview with Marc Overmars in which he claims that 'Celtic will become hatchet men in the Nou Camp to keep alive their UEFA Cup dream.'

The Sunday Mirror runs a story which claims that Celtic are about to swoop for Roy Keane.

Normal service is resumed in the afternoon's live TV SPL match as Celtic beat Hibs by 4:0 at Easter Road. Henrik Larsson's two goals move him to third place in Celtic's all-time goalscorers list with 233. Only Jimmy McGrory (470) and Bobby Lennox (273) remain ahead of him.

Monday 22nd Rab Douglas loses his appeal against his red card and will therefore miss Thursday's game in the Nou Camp. The Daily Record kicks off its morale-boosting build-up to the big match by focusing on Neil Lennon's part in a fairly trivial incident with Scott Brown in Sunday's match against Hibs and by informing us under the headline 'Italian ref is bad omen for Celts' that Domenico Messina, the official in charge of the coming UEFA Cup tie, refereed Celtic's 1:0 defeat in Valencia in the same competition three years ago. For good measure we're told that, 'The Italian lists former Rangers star Paul Gascoigne as one of his favourite players.'

Tuesday 23rd Celtic unveil the new away strip which will go on sale early in May. This time Umbro have once again opted not to go for anything like the fashion abominations inflicted on us in previous years and have gone for a fairly simple dark green and silver design. 'Poignant but not overbearing', says our fashion correspondent Hughie Greenandsilver. 'I hate it so it'll probably sell in its millions. And what happened to our star??'

Wednesday 24th The Record's back page is dominated by an interview with Barcelona's Reiziger under the banner 'We'll give you a Holl of a beating' in which the Dutchman claims that Celtic's fate on Thursday will be similar to that which befell Scotland when they played their World Cup qualifier in Amsterdam.

Barca's backroom Bulgarian Hristo 'Bonkers' Stoichkov is also widely quoted in the papers with his prediction. 'We have to score four goals and we will score them.'

Thursday 25th Eleven hooped heroes write their own page in the history books with a legendary backs-to-the-wall defensive performance to see Celtic into the quarter-finals of a European competition for the second year running.

Friday 26th Media coverage of Celtic's legendary exploits in Barcelona is generally positive but you can usually rely on the Record to find a cloud behind every silver lining and they don't disappoint today: 'Celtic's European heroics have shortened the odds on Martin O'Neill being appointed as manager of England.'

The MON himself holds his usual Friday press conference at which he sounds suitably underwhelmed at the prospect of the forthcoming Old Firm game at the Death Star: 'It has happened on more than one occasion now that the Rangers game gets dwarfed because of commitments elsewhere.'

Saturday 27th Young goalie David Marshall caps a fine performance in Barcelona by signing a new four year contract with the Hoops.

Sunday 28th According to the papers, Liverpool have given up on taking Martin O'Neill to Anfield as manager, preferring instead to turn their attention to landing Jose Mourinho. OFM will be delighted that his workload has been slightly reduced and that he will only have to manage Chelsea, Spurs and England next season.

In the afternoon Celtic completed another formality of an SPL fixture, this time at Ibrox. Henke bade farewell to the Death Star with an easy goal from six yards and Thompson finished it off with another in the second half. The Huns have now won one of the last 13 Old Firm games in the Premier League, which equals the worst run ever, while Celtic have now set a new record for scoring in twenty consecutive OF games. It's the first time Celtic have won five straight Old Firm matches and Larsson has now scored fifteen goals in his last 22 games against Rangers.

Happy days indeed.

Monday 29th Consternation around NTV Mansions when George of the Jungle announces that he has heard a report on the radio that Henrik Larsson had been assaulted by some Rangers players. In true Granpa Broon style it transpires that Larsson's agent Rob Jansen said that his player was being 'chased by Greeks', in this case Olympiakos Piraeus, and not 'geeks'.

At his Monday press briefing the Eckmeister, aka 'Mr. Momentum', explains to the hacks his latest insight into what has gone wrong and how he intends to sort it out: 'Get bigger players', he declares. Now why didn't anybody else think of that? It takes a true football genius sometimes, doesn't it?

Tuesday 30th News from the City is that Celtic's are currently the best performing football shares in Britain having risen by 125% over the year from 37p to 74p. The increase makes they have outperformed Aston Villa (up 117%), Manchester United (92%) and Birmingham City (52%). Martin O'Neill's personal shareholding means that he is due to receive a bonus of around £200,000 later this year, which he has already indicated he would be happy to reinvest in the club.

The Sky Sport website reports that Celtic are showing an interest in Cameroon international Salomon Olembe, currently on loan at Leeds, and quote the player's agent, Willie McKay, as saying, 'Charlton, Blackburn, Bolton and Celtic have all been watching him. His loan deal expires at the end of the month and he is available for £3 million from Marseille.'

Celtic have applied to Glasgow City Council for a licence which would enable the club to hold civil marriage ceremonies inside Celtic Park. The Marriage (Scotland) Act 2002 has ended the monopoly for such events previously held by Registry Offices and as the Walfrid already hosts many wedding receptions the board reckon it makes sense to hold ceremonies there as well, although a club spokesperson did point out that these would not take place on the pitch and only when Celtic were playing away from home. There is apparently no truth in the rumour that Rangers are about to follow suit, with the difference being that couples will be encouraged to have their weddings on the pitch... instead of Rangers home games. 'Let's face it, it would be better than watching the first team,' an Ibrox insider did not say in an exclusive interview with NTV, 'And we could get the band to play things like 'We're Up Tae Oor Knees in confetti' or 'The Veil My Father Tore''.

Wednesday 31st Picked to play for Sweden against England in tonight's friendly, Johan Mjallby tells local newspaper the Goteborgs Posten that he is worried his career might be coming to an end: 'This game and the next six weeks are vital. If my knee won't get back to 100% then I am seriously thinking about quitting football', said the big defender, suggesting that he could soon be moving to Hearts.

Scotland's dismal 'friendly' at Hampden against Romania takes a turn for the worse when Barcelona hero John Kennedy, making his international debut, is hobbled by a disgraceful challenge from Ganea of Wolves. It later transpires that the damage to his knee is so bad that he'll be out of the game for a year. We all wish him a speedy recovery.

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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