march 2003

sunday 2nd In an interview with Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald, Chairman Brian Quinn has bad news for anybody out there expecting to see a few multi-million players signed up on 4-year £20,000 a week contracts this summer: 'We won't be doing anything daft with any income. These are tough times in football. We have to keep the club prudently run. The board is after its own double: football success and financial stability (I can just see the scarves with those very words on them being held aloft at the next 'Walk On' - financially clueless ed). We will help as much as we can but what we won't do is put the club in jeopardy.' On Martin O'Neill's contract he says, 'What will keep Martin O'Neill at Celtic Park is not a piece of paper with four or five years written on it. It's the support he receives and the satisfaction he takes from the job.'

At Celtic Park, in a weary post-Stuttgart performance the Hoops finally summon up enough energy to edge out Hibs by 3:2 thanks to a last-minute winner by Johan Mjallby. Rangers win by 2:1 at Livingston with the home team missing a penalty. Livingston defender Philippe Brinquin makes a case for his admission to the Celtic fans' paranoia ward at the asylum by speaking out about referee John Rowbotham's decision not to send off Arteta, claiming the Rangers player had kicked him: 'I tackled the ball, but after he just wanted to kick me. The ref saw it, so he had to whistle to stop the game. It's the first time in my life I have seen that. It's Rangers though, so it's different. The ref just said, 'calm down, calm down.'

After the match at Almondvale the saintly Lorenzo Amoruso declared that the controversy surrounding his alleged spitting on James Grady has all been caused because Grady is, 'A crazy Celtic fan... I'm a clean person. If I'm going to spit at somebody I'll spit right in their face', said LA, somewhat less than Confidentially.

monday 3rd Henrik Larsson resumes training. Hopes are high here at NTV Mansions that he might be able to take part in forthcoming important matches if he has appropriate facial protection. Hoopy the Huddle Hound's head is one suggestion.

wednesday 5th The SFA's general purposes committee will not be taking further action against LA Blaw following his comments about Grady being a crazy Celtic fan, but they have warned the crazy Rangers fan that his off-field behaviour will be monitored closely.

The SPL have rearranged the Motherwell v Celtic match to take place on April 16th, after the league split.

friday 7th According to the lamentable Keith Jacksie in the Daily Retard, 'Miracle man Henrik Larsson could be fit for both legs of Celtic's UEFA Cup clash with Liverpool... Even if Larsson is not ready for that he looks certain to defy doctors by coming back for the CIS Cup final a week on Sunday.'

monday 10th Rangers Chairman John McLelland vows to take action after hearing the savage racist abuse hurled at Celtic's black players during the Old Firm game at Celtic Park, although the open mindlessness emanating from the Rangers corner of the stadium was once again all but ignored by the vast majority of Scotland's football hacks. McLelland's anti-racist stance would be all the more commendable were it not couched in such half-hearted terms as, 'I thought I heard noises of this kind' and 'If this is true...' His statement also contains the almost obligatory reference to 'It will only be a small minority', although he does vow that, 'Steps will be taken to weed these people out'. Maybe he'd like to start with Lorenzo Amoruso, caught on camera a couple of seasons ago racially abusing Victor Ikpeba of Borussia Dortmund. The big Grogger denied it later, of course, but had to climb down when confronted with TV evidence of his guilt. Let's hope LA has learned a valuable lesson from that experience and won't deny it again if he's ever caught on camera doing something naughty.

Speaking ahead of the UEFA Cup quarter-final, Liverpool security coordinator Ged Poynton said that he was sure his staff would be able to spot Celtic fans trying to get access to Anfield with dodgy briefs. 'We are the masters of the kind of tricks the Celtic fans are promising - after all, most of them were learned in Liverpool.'

tuesday 11th Astraeusgate finally comes to a conclusion with four fans being fined. One teenager was convicted of smoking on the plane, another of being under the influence of alcohol and two were found guilty of abusive or threatening behaviour, although this allegedly happened after the flight had landed. If you want to know why they were so abusive read the passengers' accounts of the whole fiasco on our website (astraeusgate). The verdict possibly saves the airline some face but in no way reflects the impression given at the time in hysterical media reports that a midair riot had broken out. For an excellent review of the media coverage check out the e-tims website (www.etims.net).

On the subject of hysterical media, one of the subjects up for discussion in the Daily Retard's hotline today is Racism. Following McLelland's (almost) forthright condemnation of his own supporters the previous day, David McCarthy, in charge of vetting the calls, publishes a total of six comments: one caller was pleased with McLelland while admitting he will be impotent to solve the problem, another condemns Rangers for not hammering Lorenzo Amoruso for exactly the same thing, while a third condemns both halves of the Old Firm equally - 'the whole fixture is based on racial hatred.' Of the other three comments, two criticise Celtic fans for similar behaviour 20 years ago and the other pleads with Celtic fans not to sing republican songs at the coming Liverpool match. How's that for balance?

wednesday 12th Just to prove that the entire nation is getting right behind Scotland's last remaining representative in Europe, Sandy Jardine of Rangers is reported to have sent a package containing videos of recent Celtic games to the Liverpool team.

Having been warned about their on-field discipline and subsequently fined for their bad behaviour, Family Club Motherwell are again fined £10,000 for amassing ten red cards (one in a friendly) and 79 yellows so far this season.

thursday 13th The big match ends in a 1:1 draw. Liverpool leave quietly confident of building on their away goal while the Celts are still making defiant noises about going through. Highlights included the extraordinary 'Walk On' before the kick-off led by Gerry Marsden and Henke's opening goal. The resultant tumult threatened to lift the whole place ten feet off the ground.

friday 14th In a statement noteworthy for its sheer lack of moral fibre in pointedly refusing to name Rangers supporters as the perpetrators of the racist grunting at Parkhead, SFA Chief Executive David Taylor warns both sets of supporters ahead of the CIS Cup Final: 'We want racism out of our game and we have also sectarianism in our sights. But first and foremost let's have no discrimination, bananas thrown, anything like that... If it happens in a domestic game in Scotland then it is the duty of the SFA to take action (our emphasis)... with UEFA it is the clubs who are penalised if their supporters behave in such a manner.'

saturday 15th Liverpool fine Diouf around £50,000 which they will donate to a charity of Celtic's choosing. The player himself apologises publicly for his indiscretion: 'I have done a lot of thinking in the last two days and I want to apologise again to both the Celtic supporters and the Liverpool supporters for my behaviour.'

In what would be an embarrassing retraction if they had any shame, the Retard is forced to print the following: We reported on February 7 2003 that Martin O'Neill had signed a legally binding contract with Liverpool Football Club to take over as first-team manager for the 2003-2004 season. We accept there is no truth whatsoever in that assertion. Furthermore, we accept that neither Liverpool Football Club nor Rick Parry, the club's chief executive, have been involved in any secret negotiations with Martin O'Neill regarding such a scheme... We apologise for any embarrassment caused by the article.

Dripping with sincerity and straight from the heart. We trust it was as painful for them to write as it was nauseating for us to read.

sunday 16th The Hoops contrive another defeat at the hands of the Eckstraterrestrial's Island of Dr Moreauvians. This time, for a bit of variation, Lennon gets himself sent off and Hartson misses a penalty in the last minute which would have taken the match into extra time. Hartson has a perfectly good goal disallowed for offside.

Swoop Guidi in the Sunday Mail kicks off the Glasgow Comedy Festival by reprising his famous 'set to swoop' routine: 'Graeme Souness is planning a £1.75 million summer swoop for Rangers star Lorenzo Amoruso.' Better than Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch this stuff y'know.

monday 17th Chris Sutton will be out for four weeks after breaking his wrist in a collision with Bobo Balde during the CIS Cup final. Just what we wanted to hear in the build-up to the Liverpool game on Thursday.

tuesday 18th Liverpool's El-Hadj Diouf is banned for two games by UEFA after reviewing his spitting incident. Celtic are also fined 3,402 Euros because two of the fans who were spat at climbed the wall at the front of the stand and had to be restrained by stewards from entering the field of play during the match. The World Soccer website has some reassurance for worried Scousers, however, with the headline: 'Diouf free to play in UEFA Cup final.'

Celtic officials pledge to track down anyone selling tickets for the game at Anfield illegally after it comes to light that precious briefs are changing hands through ticket agencies in London and Jersey for up to £400 each.

Still on the subject of spitting, Lorenzo Amoruso is banned for four games after being found guilty of grogging on James Grady, proving that he's far more accurate with a blob of phlegm than he ever was with a free-kick.

wednesday 19th The three Celtic players accused by the Daily Retard of being 'Thugs and thieves' had all charges against them dropped by the Crown Prosecution Service. Curiously, the Retard does not give this particular story a great deal of prominence. Wonder why.

Thursday 20th One of Celtic's finest ever results in Europe sees the Hoops beat Liverpool 2:0. Allan Thompson and John Hartson are the players who write their way into the history books with glorious goals either side of half-time.

Friday 21st Celtic's opponents in the UEFA Cup semi-finals will be Boavista of Porto.

In a savage blow for the reputation of Murray Park, the SFA Youth Cup finalists will be Aberdeen and Celtic. The young Hoops must at long last be reaping the benefits of dribbling round all the dog shit we are told by the likes of McNee is lying around the pitches at Barrowfield.

Hugh Dallas is fined £250 for speeding on the A9 Inverness to Perth road. NTV will soon be starting a fund to help him pay his fine.

Saturday 22nd Stilian Petrov signs a four year extension to his contract which will keep him at Celtic Park until 2007.

Sunday 23rd A Graeme Bryce exclusive in the News of the Screws reveals that 'Martin O'Neill is trying to line up a summer swoop (Hey, that's Gudi's phrase!) on Manchester United - with Nicky Butt and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer top of his wishlist.'

In yet another Bryce exclusive in the same edition he reveals that Rangers are 'closing in on Dixon Etuhu.' What do you mean you've never heard of him? He plays for Preston and, as Bryce is quick to point out, has been hailed as 'the new Patrick Vieira.'

Swoop himself reports this story in the Sunday Mason, adding helpfully that the player is valued at around a million quid: 'Under the current financial restraints the Ibrox side would struggle to come up with that kind of cash.'

The curse of Caley strikes again in the evening. The Celtic second team fail to score and tumble out of the Cup by 1:0. What a debut for Stanislav Varga.

monday 24th Rangers' half-year financial figures to the end of December 2002 reveal that total losses before tax amounted to £9.9 million (call it ten), while the cash-trapped Ibrox club's shares, which stood at 395p two years ago, can now be purchased at a record low price of 105p.

wednesday 25th Diouf walks into a new storm of controversy after he gives an interview with the Senegalese newspaper Sud Quitidien in which he says: 'I do regret what I did and I shouldn't have reacted as I did. But the Celtic fans shouldn't have got me into that state in the first place.'

friday 28th Ex-Old Firm captains Billy McNeill and Eric Caldow have been announced as candidates for the Scottish Parliament elections. They will contest the Central Scotland region for the Scottish Senior Citizens Unity Party. There is no truth in the rumour that the Monster Raving Looney Party are trying to tempt Fernando Ricksen into politics as well.

A spokesman for UEFA reveals that Hoops fans have been busily buying up tickets for the final in Seville. He said, 'Although we can't say if they are all Celtic fans, we have sold over 6,000 tickets for the final to people with Scottish addresses.' Another 2,000 tickets are thought to have been sold to Celts living in England, Ireland and Wales.

sunday 30th Kenny MacDonald in the News of the Screws claims an exclusive in his reporting of Arthur Numan's situation. According to him the cash-strapped Ibrox club were willing to re-sign their Dutch defender of he'd be willing to take a small cut in his wages... of £20,000 a week.

april wednesday 2nd UEFA Cup semi-final opponents Boavista are fined £8,000 after club officials were found guilty of naughty behaviour during their penalty shoot-out win over Hertha Berlin. Coach Alfredo Castro was also banned from the touchline for both legs of the tie against Celtic for abusing match officials. The Retard reveals that ÒCeltic were last night linked with a summer swoop for the best mate of El Hadj Diouf... with a view to making a move for Khalilou Fadiga when the transfer window reopens.Ó (David McCarthy stealing some of GuidiÕs patter there) Celtic are placed eighth in the international club rankings of the International Federation for Football History and Statistics. Rangers currently languish in 73rd place. TodayÕs View announces the launch of the search to find this seasonÕs Player of the Year. Fans are invited to phone a premium rate phone number to register their votes (no tacky cash-in then, thank goodness). Among the players you can vote for are Tommy Boyd (a blinder in the League Cup against Caley youÕll have to agree), Stanislav Varga (ninety minutes of magic in Inverness) and Bobby Petta (what a season heÕs had - vintage Bobby). Paul Lambert and Jackie McNamara turn out for Scotland in the latest farce in Lithuania. Momo Sylla scores in GuineaÕs 2:0 African Nations Cup victory over Niger. thursday 3rd TodayÕs transfer speculation in the Retard links Celtic with one of Stilian PetrovÕs team mates in the Bulgarian national squad, 29 year-old striker Zoran Jankovic. friday 4th At his Friday press conference Martin OÕNeill says, ÒI read some headlines we were after some Bulgarian player. If our scout was out watching a game in Estonia where he was playing when I was sending him somewhere else IÕm going to sack him!Ó SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER and

SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

 

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