february 2003

sunday 2nd According to Graham Hunter in the Sunday Herald the Old Firm are about to receive invitations to take part in a new European league competition. With backing from Spanish entrepreneurs, the proposal is to have the new Golden Cup competition up and running by the start of the 2004-05 season. Hunter's report states that, 'Over the last week the odds of the Golden Cup becoming a reality have not only increased, but the need for Celtic and Rangers to be involved has also grown.'

A slow day for exclusives or transfer stories, but Scoop manages to squeeze one in on page 84 of the Sunday Mason. 'Nantes midfielder Stephane Ziani could become a summer signing target for Celtic after the club tried to sign him ahead of Friday's transfer deadline.'

It's Firhill for chills in the afternoon, but despite the odd blizzard Celtic easily sweep Thistle aside thanks to two goals from Chris Sutton, restored to the centre-forward position in the absence of the injured John Hartson.

monday 3rd Two free agents arrive at Celtic Park trying to win themselves contracts until the end of the season. Croatian midfielder Milan Rapaic has been freed by Fenerbahce and he has been joined by Slovakian defender Stanislav Varga, released by Sunderland. The tabloids are suggesting that Liverpool are also interested in signing Rapaic and that Varga is about to be offered a contract by Bolton Wanderers.

Berti Vogts tells the Daily Star that he nearly came to Celtic as manager in 1999 just before John Barnes and again after Barnes was sacked.

tuesday 4th Milan Rapaic talks about his transfer situation: 'Ten days ago Liverpool offered me a visa but I would rather sign for Celtic to be honest... Celtic's stadium is one of the best in the world and I believe that in Glasgow I would get the privacy I need.'

Today's other tabloid transfer twaddle concerning Celtic is that Darren Huckerby knocked back a bid from Celtic in January, preferring instead to sign for Nottingham Forest.

Jamie Smith is called up for the full international squad for Scotland's friendly against the Republic of Ireland having made four starts for the first team this season.

In the first of the CIS Cup semi-finals at Hampden the Sons of William predictably roll over the Cousins of William. Almost equally predictably Fernando Ricksen escapes a red card; having curtailed Stephane Mahe's participation in the match he lunges at Pressley late in the game right under Mike McCurry's nose. 'I thought that because he'd already been booked he was fortunate to stay on, but that's the ref's decision', said Elvis.

wednesday 5th Commenting on the Darren Huckerby story, Martin O'Neill says, 'Darren Huckerby did not snub Celtic - the deal never got that far to snub. Isn't everybody linked with us now?'

thursday 6th Allan Parry announces live on Talk Sport radio that Martin O'Neill will soon be on his way to Liverpool to replace Gerard Houlier.

Celtic announce that the club's security staff are concerned over the number of fans travelling to Stuttgart who have purchased tickets for areas designated for the home fans as part of travel packages. An allocation of 5,700 tickets is nowhere near enough to satisfy the demand of the number of fans expected to be travelling to Germany for the return leg.

Rafael Scheidt (who he? ed) is lining up a move to Brazilian club Atletico Mineiro, reports the Scotsman. He is hoping that Celtic will wave him on his way by waiving a transfer fee. Something tells me he won't have to cross his fingers too tightly. The Sun can't resist one last parting pun at the expense of Celtic's hapless Brazilian: 'Scheidt is squeezed out', which could also pass for rare piece of self-description on behalf of the Sun's sports department.

In the evening the Hoops progress to the final of the CIS Cup with a fairly routine win against Dundee United. Although the United players set about their task with nostrils flaring a double from Bobo Balde and another from Henke ensured it was 3:0 going on seven. Bring on the Rangers! After the match Martin O'Neill once again has to field questions about the Liverpool story: 'It's embarrassing and not true. I don't know how many times we have to go through this rigmarole.'

friday 7th Martin O'Neill's European touchline ban is reduced on appeal to one match instead of two, which means he will have to watch the first leg of the Stuttgart match from the stand.

Allan Parry stands by his comments claiming that his source is 'impeccable'.

saturday 8th The Daily Mail highlights claims made by author Tom Bower in his forthcoming book (which the Mail is serialising) that Martin O'Neill had verbally agreed to take the Leeds United job last summer but changed his mind at the last minute, opting instead to see out his Celtic contract.

sunday 9th Celtic come from behind to eventually beat Livingston 2:1 but the result is overshadowed by Henrik Larsson's broken jaw which looks as if it will keep him out of the side for at least six weeks. Just as well there are no important games coming up.

tuesday 11th Shaun Maloney, Stephen Crainey and John Kennedy all take part in Scotland's under-21 team's victory over the Republic of Ireland by 2:0. Maloney scores the opener courtesy of a free-kick.

wednesday 12th Mixed fortunes for the players on international duty this midweek. Paul Lambert plays in Scotland's defeat at Hampden while John Hartson scores the equaliser in Wales' 2:2 draw with Bosnia. Magnus Hedman keeps goal for Sweden against Tunisia but drops a clanger to allow the Africans a 1:0 victory.

Milan Rapaic is released having failed to impress during his trial period at Celtic. Martin O'Neill says that the player is not fit, which is hardly surprising considering he is reputed to smoke 40 fags a day. He returns to Croatia to sign for Hajduk Split, tempted by the prospect of first team football and cheap tabs.

friday 14th Stanislav Varga signs on for the rest of the season, although his debut looks likely to be delayed because of red tape.

saturday 15th In a fine advert for the facilities on offer at away grounds in the SPL, Celtic's game against Motherwell at the Olympic Stadium Lanarkshire is postponed because of a frosty pitch. The game is called of a mere two hours before the scheduled 12.30 kick-off. No such problem at Ibrox where the Huns extend their lead at the top of the with a 1:0 win over Hearts, the goal coming courtesy of one of the visitors putting through his own goal.

sunday 16th The Sunday tabloids both set about giving Celtic fans major confidence boosts ahead of Thursday's UEFA Cup first leg against VfB Stuttgart. The Sunday Mail does a double page spread on the virtuosity of the Bundesliga team's playmaker Krasimir Balakov who, according to an unnamed hack, 'could have been separated at birth from Hoops legend Lubo Moravcik who terrorised Scottish defences with his supreme skills.' (No mean feat considering one was born in Slovakia and the other in Bulgaria, but still...) They also let their ace reporters 'Scoop' Guidi and Euan McLean have a two page 'Exclusive' (what else?) featuring the pre-match thoughts of an old Parkhead favourite: 'Mark Viduka has told Celtic to believe they can win without Henrik Larsson - or kiss their season goodbye just like the last time the Swede was injured.' If all that didn't have you throwing up your cornflakes all over the breakfast table, the News of the Screws weighed in with a Graeme Bryce 'Exclusive' wherein ex-hun Jorg Albertz gets to reveal his 'secret dossier' to the Screws en route to Shanghai to try and fix up a move to one of the local teams there. Under the headline 'Genius!', the Hammer, in conjunction with the Screws, seems determined to have us shitting ourselves by allowing us an insight into the coaching mind of Felix Magath, whose 'genius' includes taking off an outfield player and replacing him with a sub goalie so that the big 'keeper who was originally playing could go up front. Alternative headline: 'too much GUINNESS!'

Elsewhere, the Screws are determined to get as much mileage as possible out of the Simon Lynch story. In an 'exclusive' by Kenny MacDonald the 'bitter Bhoy insists he was unloved at Parkhead' and 'rapped "I've learned more in a month than I did in a year at Parkhead."

On Sunday night the ten latest leg-ends are inducted into what Laptop Loyal member Darrell King describes as, 'the illustrious Ibrox Hall of Fame.' Reflecting the cash-strapped Ibrox club's enduring commitment to silky soccer over the years, latest inductees include Sammy Cox (renowned member of the Iron Curtain defence), Graeme Souness (renowned owner of an iron moustache), Alex McDonald (football's answer to a threshing machine) and Tam Forsyth, a player whose skill and flair earned him the nickname 'Jaws'.

monday 17th The SPL launches an inquiry into the weekend's call-offs. Despite being in the elite league it appears that Motherwell have no undersoil heating. Instead, they rely on a system which traps hot air under covers just above the surface of the pitch. A spokesperson for NTV who did not want to be named because he doesn't exist claimed that the system failed at the weekend because Sandy Clark and Gordon Smith did not turn up in time to provide the necessary hot air.

An unnamed 'league source' is quoted in James Traynor's column in the Retard claiming that Celtic and Rangers have demanded that ticket prices for the CIS Cup final be increased from £17 and £19 to £20 and £22 because of the two clubs' 'greed'. 'We have tried to keep costs reasonable because supporters need a break but as usual the Old Firm have their own agenda and so the fans will have pay,' said Mr. Source.

Former Celtic director Willie Haughey denies as 'fantasy' rumours that he is moving to take a controlling interest in the club by buying up Dermot Desmond's shares.

tuesday 18th New signing Stanislav Varga finally gets clearance to begin his Celtic career.

thursday 20th Celtic win a thrilling UEFA Cup first leg tie by 3:1 having to come back from being a goal down to the team presently sitting third in the Bundesliga. It's the club's 100th victory in European competition.

friday 21st Celtic announce that Magnus Hedman will be out for 8 weeks after an operation to repair damaged ligaments in his knee which he injured in a freak training accident. Why freaks were being trained by Celtic remains a mystery.

On the subject of freaks, the Retard's hotline is a real clutching at straws edition for mad Rangers supporters. The general tone seems to be that Celtic will soon be too knackered to win the league because of this Europe business, but the star caller is a loony from Larkhall: 'The only reason Celtic won so convincingly is because Collina was on their side. The Italian ref was so blatantly biased towards Celtic and it was a real contest when it was 11 against 11. Collina spoiled it by reducing Stuttgart to ten men.' You would have thought this particular caller would have become used to seeing games involving his favourite team 'spoiled' this season by having a Rangers opponent sent off?

saturday 22nd In the Scottish Cup, Rangers survive a visit to Somerset Park in Ayr and secure their place in the last eight with a goal in the dying minutes. Ayr proceed to miss two sitters shortly afterwards.

sunday 23rd The back page headline in the Mail is 'BIG AMO GOBBED ON ME', with Gavin Berry reporting Ayr striker James Grady's accusations that LA Confidential landed a grogger on him during the match at Somerset Park. 'It's a man's game - but spitting isn't. It was 100% deliberate', said Grady, clearly not impressed at being on the receiving end of some of Lorenzo's oil.

In case any of us were getting carried away with all the good news this week, the Mail gives over a large part of its sports section to bringing us back to earth with a bump, especially encouraging in the build-up to the game in Stuttgart. Among their upbeat Celtic stories are: 'Celtic could land just 2,500 tickets for a Battle of Britain clash at Anfield... Police insist the allocation would have to be slashed after trouble flared when Celtic played Blackburn in a previous round... The move would be a shattering blow for Hoops fans...' (Scoop Guidi); 'Martin O'Neill is making the most of Stilian Petrov's explosive impact - because he knows it's only a matter of time before the Celtic star is tempted to a bigger stage...' (Scoop again); 'IT'S SHUN MALONEY - Shaun Maloney will have to sit out Celtic's UEFA Cup crunch in Stuttgart despite his first leg wonder show' (Scoop yet again); 'Tasty Balakov out to starve Celts of glory' (Scoop again, although he needed some help from Gavin Berry to write this one).

The Mail also reports that 'Rangers may call for the barmy SPL split to be SCRAPPED after Alex McLeish claimed it was giving his team a tougher title run-in than Celtic.'

Most of the Sundays run an article on Dermot Desmond buying shares in Manchester United for the first time. Celtic's leading shareholder has bought a stake of between 2 and 3% of the Premiership club. He has not had to divulge his interest to the stock market because it is less that the formal disclosure limit.

In the afternoon Celtic progress to the third round of the Cup with a low-key 3:0 victory over St. Johnstone at Celtic Park.

monday 24th Big LA Confidential hits back at James Grady's accusations that he spat on him with his own version of events. According to Amo Grady had been winding him up the whole game by calling him an 'Italian bastard', and besides, he was only clearing his throat because he has a cold and accidentally managed to land a grog on Grady from five feet away.

Martin O'Neill reveals that he'll be reopening negotiations with Stilian Petrov's agent in the near future, even though Stan's contract runs until 2005. 'I have left a message with his agent that we will sort this out and resolve his future.'

tuesday 25th Bobby Petta's agent says that the player is hoping to find a new club this summer despite signing a three year extension to his contract in the summer.

The other big transfer rumour today concerns Paolo di Canio, whose agent Matteo Roggi told the press that his client had been given permission by West Ham to speak to a Scottish club last week. 'Paolo would be happy to stay in London or return to Glasgow - and that means Celtic,' said Roggi.

Meanwhile, the SFA's video panel are to watch replays of the Gradygate incident (yeuch!) and will decide if the matter will be taken to the Disciplinary Committee.

wednesday 26th Celtic deny any interest in signing Paolo di Canio this summer. In another Retard exclusive, Hugh Keevins claims that this is the 'second Glasgow snub for di Canio this season.' The idea that he might have been on the verge of signing for the Jags is hardly less preposterous than Keevins' breathless revelation that: 'Rangers boss Alex McLeish is understood to have turned down an offer from West Ham to swap the player for Ibrox striker Tore Andre Flo.'

thursday 27th Alan Thompson scores Celtic's first ever goal in competitive European football on German soil after just 12 minutes of the return leg against Stuttgart. Chris Sutton scores the second two minutes later to put the Hoops 5:1 up on aggregate and the fans into orbit.

friday 28th Martin O'Neill puts the UEFA Cup run into perspective in the buildup to the Old Firm game. 'If there is such a thing as a priority, obviously winning the UEFA Cup would be massive.'

march sunday 2nd In an interview with Michael Grant in the Sunday Herald, Chairman Brian Quinn has bad news for anybody out there expecting to see a few multi-million players signed up on 4-year £20,000 a week contracts this summer: ÒWe wonÕt be doing anything daft with any income. These are tough times in football. We have to keep the club prudently run. The board is after its own double: football success and financial stability (I can just see the scarves with those very words on them being held aloft at the next ÔWalk OnÕ - financially clueless ed). we will help as much as we can but what we wonÕt do is put the club in jeopardy.Ó On Martin OÕNeillÕs contract he says, ÒWhat will keep Martin OÕNeill at Celtic Park is not a piece of paper with four or five years written on it. ItÕs the support he receives and the satisfaction he takes from the job.Ó At Celtic Park, in a weary post-Stuttgart performance the Hoops finally summon up enough energy to edge out Hibs by 3:2 thanks to a last-minute winner by Johan Mjallby. Rangers win by 2:1 at Livingston with the home team missing a penalty. Livingston defender Philippe Brinquin makes a case for his admission to the Celtic fansÕ paranoia ward at the asylum by speaking out about referee John RowbothamÕs decision not to send off Arteta, claiming the Rangers player had kicked him: ÒI tackled the ball, but after he just wanted to kick me. The ref saw it, so he had to whistle to stop the game. ItÕs the first time in my life I have seen that. ItÕs Rangers though, so itÕs different. The ref just said, Ôcalm down, calm down.ÕÓ After the match at Almondvale RangersÕ the saintly Lorenzo Amoruso declared that the controversy surrounding his alleged spitting on James Grady has all been caused because Grady is, ÒA crazy Celtic fan... IÕm a clean person. If IÕm going to spit at somebody IÕll spit right in their faceÓ, said LA, somewhat less than Confidentially. monday 3rd Henrik Larsson resumes training. Hopes are high here at NTV Mansions that he might be able to take part in forthcoming important matches if he has appropriate facial protection. Hoopy the Huddle HoundÕs head is one suggestion. wednesday 5th The SFAÕs general purposes committee will not be taking further action against LA Blaw following his comments about Grady being a crazy Celtic fan, but they have warned the crazy Rangers fan that his off-field behaviour will be monitored closely. The SPL have rearranged the Motherwell v Celtic match to take place on April 16th, after the league split. friday 7th According to the lamentable Keith Jacksie in the Daily Retard, ÒMiracle man Henrik Larsson could be fit for both legs of CelticÕs UEFA Cup clash with Liverpool... Even if Larsson is not ready for that he looks certain to defy doctors by coming back for the CIS Cup final a week on Sunday.Ó SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

 

 

 

back to top