january 2005

Saturday 1st At Tannadice, 'red hot Rangers' salvage a point away to bottom of the table Dundee United thanks to a scrambled effort from a corner in the last minute.

Sunday 2nd The Sunday Mason's back page features an unattributed story which reports that 'Jean Alain Boumsong last night sent a grovelling apology to Rangers supporters for walking out on the club.' The 'grovelling apology' consisted of the sentence 'I would like to apologise to the public at Ibrox for leaving so soon' followed by further hand-wringing sentiments such as 'It is a real joy for me to play for Newcastle' and 'I am proud I will now be in the same side as Shearer'.

Guidi's obligatory Masonsport exclusive is that, 'Celtic star Stephen Pearson is a target for Sunderland.'

In the afternoon Celtic leapfrog 'red hot Rangers' to go back to the top of the table following a 2:1 victory against Livingston.

Tuesday 4th Bobo Balde is to be the latest subject of the famous SFA video review panel after an incident on Sunday which was missed by MIB Craig Thompson but captured by TV cameras.

Post-Boumsong transfer speculation involving players coming to Ibrox (in no way intended to deflect any bad publicity in the wake of the Frenchman's departure) moves up a gear with Liverpool reserve defender Stephane Henchoz being mentioned as well as Feyenoord reserve Thomas Buffel. Henchoz, we're told, 'has been sold on a move to Ibrox by Anfield team mate Gregory Vignal.'

Wednesday 5th Today's Celtic transfer target is reported to be Liverpool's midfielder Igor Biscan.

Thursday 6th The video review panel decide that Bobo Balde has no case to answer, or, as the BBC website puts it, 'Balde escapes ban'. Not quite the same is it?

Celtic reject a move by Inverness Caledonian Thistle player-manager Craig Brewster to take Celtic winger Ross Wallace to the club on loan. John Robertson has told the Caley boss that Wallace is still a key member of the Celtic squad. Brewster said: 'I spoke to John Robertson at Celtic and asked him what the chances were of getting Ross here until the end of the season. He said there was no chance. They rate Ross very highly and plan to use him in the coming months.'

Friday 7th John Hartson - one of Europe's most sought after Bosman's and a player who would cost £5 million to keep, remember - finally puts pen to paper on a new contract. He tells hacks: 'It's great to have finally sorted everything out. There was a lot of talk about whether I would stay or go and who else might be interested, but I have always said I wanted to stay at Celtic and now I am. Everybody knows my love for this club, I have had the best years of my career here. The lifestyle, the manager, the other players and the supporters have all made me realise that a move away at this stage of my career, with everything going so well, would only be a step down.' We wait with interest to see which of our better players the Laptop Loyal might nominate for a move away from Parkhead. Stilian Petrov anybody?

Today's kite flight has Celtic the latest club to be linked with Borussia Dortmund midfielder Lars Ricken.

Friday 8th Motherwell complete the permanent signing of Kevin McBride, the 23-year-old Celtic midfield player who has been on loan from Parkhead since August.

Tottenham reserve defender Dean Richards claims Celtic want to sign him. Richards told the Scottish Daily Mail: 'I have spoken to Southampton in the last week and turned them down and I also spoke to Wolves before Glenn Hoddle arrived. But Celtic have also offered me a chance to play up in Scotland - though ideally I want to stay in the Premiership if I can.'

Sunday 9th Scottish Cup third round weekend but no shocks at Celtic Park as 'red hot Rangers'' attempts to repeat their CIS Cup giant-killing feats are laughed off by the Hoops. Goals by Sutton and Hartson (assists by the Hun defence) settle the matter and ensure normal service is resumed after an interregnum of two defeats. Once again Eck's excuses could have been scripted by Michael Palin and Terry Jones - 'Celtic are bigger than us' and 'the boys in central defence played really well... Apart from giving away the two goals.' Half-time draw was courtesy of boxing world champion Scott Harrison who was given a great reception from the home fans and a predictably abusive one from the unhinged element of the Huns support (i.e. most of them).

Monday 10th Our erstwhile resident Italian loony Paolo Di Canio has been criticised across the political spectrum in Italy after images showed him celebrating his team's derby win against AS Roma with a fascist-style salute. Photographs published in newspapers yesterday clearly showed Di Canio displaying a stiff armed salute to the crowd, identical to the 'Roman salute' used by followers of Italy's wartime fascist dictator Benito Mussolini. Di Canio, though, denied there was any political content to his gesture. 'It wasn't a Nazi salute. The Roma fans are just, er, annoying', Di Canio didn't say.

Tuesday 11th Covering the cricket match in Australia to raise funds for victims of the tsunami, the Independent publishes a list of some of sport's other major contributors. Michael Schumacher (has pledged £5.3m of his own money and there are some other sports bodies, such as the International Volleyball Federation , FIFA ( £1.06m), the German Football Federation (£1.04m) and the Asian Football Confederation (£533,000) mentioned. Other football contributions include Bayern Munich (£219,000), Manchester United's first-team squad (£100,000), Charlton Athletic's extra pledge of £50,000 (all of the Premiership clubs donated £50,000) and Celtic with a sum of £50,000. No mention for Rangers.

Thursday 13th 'Here are the first pictures of a controversial new Nike home strip Celtic are considering for next season,' gushed Keith Jacksie in a back page exclusive scoop for the Daily rectum. Clearly relishing the thought of the 'controversy' that might be being stoked up even as he was pounding away at his laptop, the demented hack went on: 'Record Sport can reveal the kit - which features a large white panel on the back, breaking the traditional hoops - is currently awaiting final boardroom approval. But it is believed to be the clear front runner out of four designs which have been drawn up and submitted by the sportswear giants who will take over as the club's suppliers at the start of next season. A dark green away kit is also understood to be planned for Nike's big summer launch. But it's the proposed home shirt which will spark the most debate. Current kit makers Umbro were slated by fans four years ago after we revealed the famous hoops were to be broken for the first time in the club's history. But that design - which featured white panels under both arms - was nowhere near as radical as Nike's new prototype.' It would surely win the Pulitzer Prize but for one small detail. The strips in question were apparently mocked up by a 14 year-old then shoved in the internet. The whole story was a load of cobblers - well up to Jacksie's usual standard all the same.

Friday 14th Unable to resist the temptation to revel in Jacksie's discomfort, the Retard's rival tabloid, the Sun, mocks up a Nike Celtic strip with 'gullible' written across it.

Sunday 16th The Hoops go back to the top of the league with a 1:0 win at Pittodrie. It's the sixth straight victory for Celtic in the SPL. After the 1:0 win at Pittodrie MON sounds hopeful that Bobo Balde will sign a new contract to keep him at Parkhead after reports suggested he had rejected the club's latest offer. 'We are in discussions and if he performs like that we would all like to keep him at the football club. Like everything else finance dictates things but he has been terrific for us and his performance today epitomised his four years at the club.'

Tuesday 18th Following his first start in two months against Aberdeen Juninho is hoping to stay in the first team. He told reporters: 'I think the problem is sorted out now. The only thinking in my mind is to try to stay in the team. I spoke to the manager and I think any misunderstanding that was there has been sorted out. We can start over again now and I am looking forward to trying to keep my place and working hard for Celtic. It's nice to be back and it is nice to feel part of the team. I am happy and I expect to continue from this now. I came here to play and to help Celtic win things and hopefully that is what I can do. I hope to be able to stay and help Celtic try to win the championship.'

In the wake of a recent tabloid exclusive which revealed that 'Celtic thugs' had used a hammer to smash the window of a restaurant while Rangers' Chris Burke was inside, the player's father, Robert, said today it was Rangers fans who had accidentally broken the glass as they clamoured to attract their hero's attention. Burke Snr said: 'There was no hammer and no Celtic fans. None of the teenagers wore Celtic strips. They were all Rangers fans with Rangers tops and they were knocking on the window waving at Chris when it smashed. Maybe the glass was already cracked. No-one was taunting anyone. They were saying: 'There's Chris Burke, hey Chris!' and waving. They just got a bit carried away. They didn't mean any harm.'

Celtic take 21 year-old Finnish international forward Henri Scheweleff on trial. 'When a player receives a trial offer that means he has progressed,' said Tampere manager Ari Hjelm, a much more enlightened football sage than Rivaldo's agent. 'This is the route that many Finnish players use to get into big European clubs. Henri has the quality to do well in a big club. Now he just has to find the right place where the manager's and player's ideas are the same.'

Wednesday 19th : With the January transfer silly season still officially underway, the hacks are determined to press MON on signing activities, both comings and goings, but the boss isn't giving much away at today's press conference: 'Talks are ongoing and there are certainly one or two players here who I believe will be assets to this club, either in the short or medium term. It is encouraging that none of them seem desperately keen to leave and Bobo has certainly intimated that, if everything is to his reasonable satisfaction, he is happy to stay. There has been no desire on his part to leave, as far as I'm concerned. It just comes down to the fact that, as with every club, a high percentage of contractual dealings come down to finance. In an ideal world, it would be nice to get three or four lads in who are around the same age as Stan Petrov. Players who could hold their own immediately. There are a couple of weeks left, and I am hoping that something might develop but, if it doesn't we'll live with it.'

Thursday 20th The Eckmeister unveils his latest signing in the shape of Greek defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos, 'The most complex transfer deal Rangers have ever done'. According to a breathless Darrell king, 'The 10 times capped star had flown into Glasgow on David Murray's private jet at 10 pm and was taken on a tour of Ibrox. He was then whisked to Murray Park to be shown round there...' Must have been a late night for him. The Evening Times has a photograph of Kyrgiakos playing for his previous club but in a bid to protect the sensitivities of their Rangers readership, they've adjusted the colours to give his Panathinaikos jersey a distinctly blue tinge.

Friday 21st Sky reports that there are still a few English clubs interested in signing Bobo Balde and that negotiations between the big defender and Celtic are still ongoing. 'There a number of clubs from down south that are searching for players,' said O'Neill. 'They can acquire them on pre-contracts and they may do that [with Balde]. There is more money down south than there is here. He is still considering what has been put to him. If things are right, I would prefer for him to stay.'

ChampionsWorld, the promoters of Celtic's pre-season tour to the USA, is filing for bankruptcy protection in the States after racking up huge debts staging games for the likes of Porto and Galatasaray. Celtic are the only football team listed in the top 20 creditors in the court papers. It's thought the club is owed around £80,000. Despite its problems, the company are keen to get Celtic back to North America this coming summer. Chief executive Charlie Stilitano said: 'We have made it a priority to bring Celtic back over this year because they are integral to the success of the tournament.'

Meanwhile, O'Neill denied that he was about to sign Marseille defender Philippe Christanval. 'He has been available for quite some considerable time - in fact, he was one of a number of names bandied about during the August window. But I haven't made an enquiry,' he said. MON also revealed that Finnish trialist Henri Scheweleff would not be landing himself a permanent deal at Parkhead. 'I think he's enjoyed it immensely, but nothing too serious was ever likely to develop from it.'

Jackie McNamara is to have his ten years' service with Celtic recognised with a testimonial this summer. He could also find himself offered another extension to his contract. According to MON: 'I'd like to extend Jackie's stay as I think he's been brilliant for us. He has taken his chance fantastically, played in a number of positions and deserves both a testimonial and anything that comes his way after that. If you're asking me if Jackie has earned the right to longer than a year then I'd certainly think so.'

In an interview broadcast on Real Radio Chief executive Peter Lawwell resurrected the debate surrounding a possible Celtic move to England. Lawwell said that officials of both Celtic and Rangers are still confident a move would become a reality at some stage in the future: 'It will happen and the market will prevail but the difficulty is saying when. We are not pushing it but we plugged in to what's happening elsewhere and there is real opportunity for change. You're seeing in Italy clubs going under and difficulties in terms of competition for the top three or four teams in England. That is the same in Spain, Italy and Germany - how can you keep that when the strong are getting stronger and the weak are getting weaker? In terms of England at the moment attendances are down, the average viewing figures for Sky (television) are down and Match of the Day viewing figures are down. Therefore there is a possible opportunity for Celtic and Rangers to take advantage of. At the moment there is nothing concrete but it is something we have a duty to look at. There's a possibility. We want to win the Scottish Premier League but for us to maximise our potential we need to be playing in an environment that gets the exposure that is enjoyed in England, Spain and Italy. Therefore it would be irresponsible for the board not to look that way. Where we are now you would need to exit in a consensus manner and the legislation in England and the hurdles could be overcome but you need someone that wants you. That is the challenge, whether it is the English Premiership or some other environment that wants Celtic and Rangers to take them on. We want to be back in the European finals. If we were on a level playing field with Manchester United in terms of the media income then this club would go beyond that. We would become the biggest club in the world.'

Lawwell also hit back at fans who have criticised Celtic's lack of transfer activity this month: 'We can't do any more with the income we have. All that can be done is being done. We are doing all that we can but it is a question of choices. Martin is the best in the business and Celtic will give him every possible bit of backing that it requires to remain at the club that we possibly can. He has been fantastic and he has turned the club around and he has got ambition and knows where he wants to go. We will do all we can within our powers. At the moment he is showing the same commitment to the club as he has over the last three or four years. I can't speak for Martin in terms of his own plans and ambitions but we will do everything in our power to keep him.'

Saturday 22nd Commenting on Lawwell's interview for the Daily Rectum (under the headline 'Celts Plead Poverty') Neil Cameron puts his paper's own very special spin on the chief exec's remarks: 'Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell last night admitted Martin O'Neill has hardly any money to spend in the transfer window. And the Parkhead powerbroker conceded that will always be the case at the club until they quit the SPL. Celtic fans are bemused by their club's lack of activity in the transfer market when it is obvious to all that the manager needs to beef up his squad.'

An unbeefed Celtic squad deliver a routine 2:0 victory in the SPL at home to Motherwell with goals from Petrov and Sutton, but not much to get us excited. After the game 'Well manager Terry Butcher had some advice for the country's two biggest clubs: 'I wish they would clear off out of Scotland. Something might happen when the Sky TV deal runs out in 2007.'

Celtic's world record of 25 league wins in a row is still safe after Al Ahly of Egypt (club song 'You Can Call Me Al') drew 0:0 at home to Masry after a 21 game winning streak.

The Daily Record claims that Aberdeen captain Russell Anderson 'admitted the Dons players will try harder against Rangers tomorrow than they did against Celtic a week ago. The revelation will incense Ibrox fans who have always insisted Aberdeen are more committed against their side than they are against the other half of the Old Firm.' Aberdeen last beat Rangers in a league match seven years ago and have lost twenty out of their last twenty five games against the Huns.

Sunday 23rd Big exclusive from 'Swoop' Guidi in Masonsport this morning appears under the headline 'Boro Nab Bobo': 'Celtic star Bobo Balde is set to sign for Middlesbrough within 24 hours... Losing Balde will be a huge blow to martin O'Neill's long-term plans and he will be desperate to bring in a quality defender to replace the giant stopper.'

Rob Beasley's back page exclusive in the News of the Screws also concerns Celtic, who, 'are fighting it out with Birmingham to sign Newcastle's unsettled defender Olivier Bernard... Both have tabled bids for the £500,000-rated full-back who is out of contract in the summer.'

Tuesday 25th Celtic are giving a trial to Polish international midfielder Marcin Burkhardt. The player who has won nine caps for Poland has been given permission by his club to attempt to secure a move elsewhere. Somewhat less encouraging is the identity of the club in question, Amica Wronki. The player himself seems upbeat about his chances and Celtic in general stating: 'Celtic is a massive club and this is an opportunity I can't turn down.'

Wednesday 26th Hearts turn down a Celtic bid for midfielder Paul Hartley. 'The bid does not meet our evaluation of the player so it was rejected,' said Hearts manager John Robertson. 'We are desperate to keep our best players but we are sympathetic from Paul's side, but this is not just for Celtic's benefit.'

Thursday 27th As the transfer window activity hots up it's just as well we've got the staff at Retardsport to keep us well informed about all the comings and goings. Keith Jacksie And Neil Cameron certainly have their fingers on the pulse as they reveal that, 'Martin O'Neill last night lined up five new signings for Celtic just four days before the transfer window slams shuts. Kaiserslautern's Cameroon international Bill Tchato is the latest player to turn up at Parkhead and the left-back is close to signing a deal after training with the first team... Stephane Henchoz will today give his answer to the offer of a Celtic contract until the end of the season. The Liverpool player, who was also targeted by Rangers boss Alex McLeish, was given a tour of Parkhead by chief executive Peter Lawwell and liked what he saw. (What is this with the free guided tours? I hope the cost is deducted from his transfer fee - Irate Ed) Celtic insisted last night they had not contacted Hearts after their offer of £200,000 for Paul Hartley was thrown out by Tynecastle chiefs. But it is believed they will try again for the midfielder, with a fringe player being used as part of the deal. Polish midfield star Marcin Burkhardt is also at Celtic on a trial basis and has so far impressed the other first-team players. And Newcastle's French left-back Olivier Bernard is due to arrive in Glasgow today for talks.'

Friday 28th A proper transfer story at last as Celtic sign Stephane Henchoz from Liverpool until the end of the season. 'I'm very happy with the deal. I'm leaving one great club for another great club,' said Henchoz. 'There were a few others interested but as soon as I heard of Celtic's interest and met Martin O'Neill that was it... After Liverpool playing here in European competition, I know all about the atmosphere that is created by the Celtic support here in the stadium and I can't wait to experience that in a Celtic shirt. There are 15 games left in the league. I hope to play a part in not only retaining the title for Celtic, but also adding the Scottish Cup to lift the double.'

On the same day as Rangers reveal their 'keeper will be out for the rest of the season as a result of a cruciate ligament injury suffered in training, Marvin Andrews is set to make his debut as a hands-on faith healer at the Zion Praise International Church in Kirkcaldy. There would appear to be a ready made solution to that particular injury crisis. In a church advert the Hun centre half has called for the 'sick and depressed' to come to him for help, as if he doesn't see enough of them every weekend.

Saturday 29th Hearts midfielder Paul Hartley hands in a transfer request as he seeks to win a move to Celtic. Hartley is apparently unhappy at how Hearts have acted regarding Celtic's transfer bid and is now looking to leave Edinburgh. The player's agent Mark Donaghy confirmed Hartley had slapped in a transfer request and that is was up to the two clubs to thrash out a deal. 'It is true that Paul has handed in a transfer request,' Donaghy told skysports.com. 'Obviously we are looking for a quick response to the request with the transfer window closing on Monday. Paul has made his position clear that he would like to join Celtic and hopes something can happen. Celtic are very keen on Paul.'

Martin O'Neill has been named the eircom/FAI International Personality of the Year for 2004. MON follows in the footsteps of such stars of the international game as Franz Beckenbauer, Bobby Moore and Michel Platini in winning the FAI international award.

Talking about the Huns' protracted move to bring Barry Ferguson back to his old pissing ground, the Hat makes his position perfectly clear: 'I'm not convinced it is dead, but I am not convinced that it is back alive again.'

Sunday 30th The definitive last word on the Bobo Balde transfer situation comes from Swoop Guidi whose exclusive in this morning's Masonsport reveals that, 'Martin O'Neill has lost his battle to stop Bobo Balde joining Middlesbrough... Now the only debate is when the move - exclusively revealed by Mailsport last week - will go ahead.'

A Chris Sutton penalty wins all three points at Kilmarnock in the SPL but all the questions from the hacks are about Bobo, who leaves the pitch at the end waving to the fans behind the goal. OFM insists that the player's future is still, as yet, undecided: 'I assume he will make his decision pretty soon. He might well decide to sign a pre-contract with one of the clubs he has had offers from, or go now depending on an approach which hasn't happened. But that's his prerogative. I would like him to stay. I think that is what he did (went for a medical at Middlesbrough) but he wants to take his time because it is a big decision for him. He is pretty happy at the club and it only seems 10 minutes ago that we signed him from Toulouse. He has been terrific for us and I would be sad to see him go. I will be in a better position to say more on Monday or Tuesday evening but if he stays until the end of the season then I wouldn't have any problems.'

Monday 31st As predicted by absolutely nobody, Wales forward Craig Bellamy joins Celtic on loan from Newcastle United until the end of the season. The Hoops confirmed the deal in a statement three hours before the transfer window deadline of midnight CET on Monday following lengthy negotiations with the player (no word of a deal-clinching tour of the stadium but it can't be ruled out as a possibility). Bellamy fell out with Newcastle manager Graeme Souness last week over his position in the team, with Souness saying the Welsh international would never play for the club under him again.

More good news on the transfer front as Henri Camara joins Southampton. Celtic were happy to terminate his contract in order for him to return to England. Despite initially rejecting the possibility of such a move, Wolves have now changed their minds and are willing to let the Senegal man move to St. Mary's. His agent, Willie McKay, said, 'Henri is happy with the move as he wants to be playing regularly and Southampton have the option to make the move permanent in the summer.'

The other big transfer news is that Darlington have completed the signing of Bobby Petta on a short-term deal.

Oh, nearly forgot, the Huns have brought Barry Ferguson back from Blackburn Rovers. Mark Hughes decided to part with him after the player said his head wasn't right for the weekend's cup tie against Colchester, clearly unaware that this is a permanent condition with wee Bammy.

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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