january 2004 .

Friday 2nd In a story which we at NTV Mansions sincerely believe to be utterly uncynical and in no way calculated to upset Celtic's preparations for the coming Old Firm fixture, the Daily Mirror claims that Martin O'Neill is ready to join Liverpool in the summer, having taken Celtic as far as he can, and is simply awaiting a call from the Anfield board to set the wheels in motion. At his press conference later the same afternoon O'Neill responded to the story in front of a gathering of hacks by saying, 'It's totally and utterly untrue. How many times have I got to say it? There is utterly no foundation in that at all.'

Saturday 3rd Celtic break the record for the highest number of consecutive league victories with a run-of-the-mill trouncing of another hapless SPL team. The 3:0 scoreline flattered Rangers a bit but at least manager Eck McLeish was able to show that he hasn't lost his sense of humour by bringing on Nuno Capucho as a sub with 15 minutes to go. Our resident Ibrox fifth columnist was given a suitably rousing reception. Analysing the game as only a true genius can, big Eck thought that despite him choosing the right tactics to secure an away win his lads were simply too wee. 'Stanislav Varga is head and shoulders above Michael Ball but that's who we had to match him up against.' He went on to claim that, 'There wasn't a lot we could do about Celtic's second and third goals.' Other than prevent them you mean?

Sunday 4th Apart from their coverage of the big match, most of the Sunday papers report that Bob Malcolm is considering moving away from Castle Greyskull. Any Celtic fan who saw Bob's incredible performance in the previous afternoon's Old Firm game will be hoping that somebody at the Death Star wakes up to this young starlet's obvious potential and offers him a five year contract tomorrow!

Transfer news from the Screws is that, 'Middlesbrough are lining up a swoop for Chris Sutton during this month's transfer window.' An exclusive by Kenny Miller also reveals that Manfred Hoehner, 'Qatar's footballing Mr. Fixit', is flying into Scotland this month to offer outrageous contracts to Henrik Larsson and Johan Mjallby. However, the veracity of this story - not to mention the sanity of the aforementioned Herr Fixit - is called into question with the further revelation that his shopping list includes Henning Berg, Ronald de Boer and Michael Mols.

Tuesday 6th Having fought his way back into the Celtic first team, the bad news for Johan Mjallby is that he'll be out for the next six weeks recovering from surgery on his knee.

Thursday 8th a busy day on the transfer front. In the morning Celtic finally get to parade new signing Stephen Pearson, bought for £350,000 from Motherwell. Avoiding cliches like the plague the player announces that 'It's a dream move for me.' Going out the revolving door of the Walfrid is Bryan Prunty, who has given up the chance to star for Queen of the South or Ross County to join Aberdeen. Steve Paterson announces that he has landed himself the 'bargain of the season', which suggests that Steve's 12-step recovery programme has gone into remission.

Later, news breaks that Liam Miller is about to sign a pre-contract agreement with Manchester United which will see him leave Parkhead in the summer without a fee being involved. Cheers for that Liam, you're a sport.

As if you needed any excuse not to vote for the Tories, Conservative and Unionist Party Leader Michael Howard, a keen Liverpool fan, is reported to have been overheard suggesting the Reds should sack their present manager and appoint OFM: 'We need O'Neill but the end of the season isn't soon enough. We need him now.' Please forward all suggestions on who the Tory party should replace Howard with as leader to the House of Commons.

Friday 9th Commenting on Millergate Martin O'Neill seems somewhere towards the seething side of philosophical: 'I would have liked him to stay and I though that would have been the right thing to do for at least 18 months. He was going to be one of the mainstays of the side.' Miller's agent claims that his client isn't leaving for the money. You can catch the rest of his stand-up routine somewhere in the Manchester area starting in July.

Saturday 10th The Scottish Cup throws up another shock as plucky cash-strapped Rangers beat Hibs at Easter Road. Celtic finally overcome Ross County by 2:0, the reward for which is a trip to visit the Gorgie Gargoyles in the next round.

Monday 12th The Daily Mail's big transfer story this morning is that Fulham will replace departing striker Louis Saha, bound for Old Trafford, with our very own BBJ Hartson. Celtic, apparently, are 'likely to accept a £4 million bid.' Hartson's agent Jonathan Barnett later described the story as 'complete rubbish'.

Saturday 24th In the SPL Celtic beat Aberdeen 3:1 at Pittodrie. Goals from Petrov and Larsson finish the match as a meaningful contest before Stephen Pearson opens his Celtic account. Stanislav Varga's 30th appearance in the Hoops means he is guaranteed an extension to his contract.

At the Death Star the Huns toil against Livingston before finally winning by 1:0.

Sunday 25th The News of the Screws is the paper for all the scoops today. The entire back page is given over to an exclusive by James Fletcher which finally puts to rest any rumours that Martin O'Neill might be going to Old Trafford. Under the banner headline 'Ferg-et It' (geddit??) we are told that, 'Sir Alex Ferguson will sign a new contract at Manchester United next week ending all speculation linking Martin O'Neill with his job.' Phew, thank goodness for that. We'd hate to read any more kite flying about MON going to Manc Land.

Meanwhile, an inside page exclusive by Danny Conlon and Primrose Skelton reveals that Celtic's Manchester United-bound midfield starlet Liam Miller was doing his best to live up to his quiet man image during a visit to Killarney to celebrate his impending move to Old Trafford. The Screws hacks report that guests in the four star hotel where Miller and his mates were staying returned from a night on the town and embarked on a 'booze-fuelled rampage', whereupon Miller is alleged to have 'cavorted down corridors in his boxer shorts as his pals ran around naked.' Leaving aside the obvious point that Miller must own the largest boxer shorts in the world if they're big enough to have corridors in them, he is also supposed to have shouted, 'Do you know who I am?' when fed-up guests complained, to which a quick-witted retort might have been, 'No, you've not played enough first-team games for anybody to instantly recognise you.'

Monday 26th Less than a week after David Murray told anybody who would listen that Rangers were no longer going to sign over-30 past-it geriatrics intent on topping up their pension plans with a season or two at the Death Star, the genius that is Eck unveils his latest signing, 33 year-old Frank de Boer, twin brother of Ron. A matter of hours after Frank passed his Rangers medical (where a doctor counted his extremities before passing him A1 and reserving him his very own personalised treatment table at Auchenhowie) another soon-to-be-death Star legend, Jean Alain Boumsong, gave the cash-strapped Kinning Park club what Darrell King described as a 'boost' by suggesting that they are not just a good pay-day club: 'We must stop thinking it is a retirement home for former legends or players in decline', said the Frenchman with all the comic timing of countryman Jacques Tati. Rather than bum up the amount of money they are paying their players, these days the Huns are anxious to inform their slavering devotees that they are getting top class players at bargain basement prices, hence Frank will be paid little more than a couple of grand a week, or 'petrol money' as a Death Star propaganda minister put it. He must be commuting from Vladivostok if he spends that much on petrol.

Tuesday 27th The BBC website reports that Bobo Balde is on a one-man crusade to turn Guinea into a nation of Celtic supporters: 'Balde, mindful of the fact that African fans wear mainly locally-made replica shirts in honour of their favourite stars, decided to give his compatriots a treat. "I brought about 100 tops from the club for some people here, because they support me and they support Celtic - and I wanted to thank them for that," Balde told the BBC Sport website. "It would be good to have lots of Celtic fans here in Guinea, and all over Africa too." With shirts retailing at nearly £50 pounds each, it was a generous gesture by the giant defender. It also meant that during Guinea's decisive 3:0 win over Ethiopia, a result that took the Syli National to the 2004 African Nations Cup, many in the crowd were wearing authentic Celtic tops. Yet Balde did not only bring shirts, for many fans could be seen waving banners displaying the words - 'Bobo's Going to Get You'.'

Any hopes that the Huns might have had of offloading Nuno Capucho to Spanish club Celta Vigo are dashed as the Spaniards' coach Miguel Lotina is sacked. His Chairman has obviously been tuning into Sportscene recently.

Wednesday 28th According to the Sky Sports website Celtic are being linked with 30 year old Turkish midfielder Okan Bunik, currently earning a living in the Inter Milan reserves. On a less ethereal note, Martin O'Neill announces that he has taken on two players for trial period, namely Australian goalkeeper Danny Milosevic from Leeds United reserves and Jamil Walker, 22 year-old former striker for the San Jose Earthquakes. Heading in the opposite direction is Magnus Hedman, punted to Italian Serie A side Ancona until the end of the season. He'll be alright until opposition strikers discover his weakness - shots straight at him.

Thursday 29th Celtic fan Kenny Butler has taken the club's PLC to court for breach of contract, claiming that in the nine years since he became an investor the board have removed several privileges such as meetings with players and golf outings. 'It is the manoeuvres of the board and the belief they can change things without consulting small shareholders that gets me', said Mr. Butler, 'It's the club I support, not the PLC. Maybe someone needs to take a stand.' Heedless of this sedition, the club were announcing that dates have been finalised for the lucrative summer tour of the States involving matches against Porto (Foxboro Mass. July 23rd), Inter Milan (Toronto July 30th) and Manchester United (Seattle July 28th).

Transfer news from Mordor is that Rangers have managed to sell goalkeeper Jesper Christiansen (who he? Ed) which means that he has played six games for the very reasonable cost of £3.2 million, or a cool £533,000 a game.

Friday 30th A week of positively frenzied transfer activity by Celtic's recent standards comes to an end with Stephen Crainey signing for Southampton for a fee reported to be £500,000. A deal had been agreed with West Ham but Crainey himself preferred to take his chances in the Premiership. Martin O'Neill offers a deal until the end of the season to Danny Milosovic. 'He's cheerful and wants to have a go at it', says OFM of his new signing, making our new 'keeper sound like football's answer to John Noakes.

Saturday 31st Celtic edge 14 points clear at the top of the SPL table thanks to a 5:1 horsing of Kilmarnock which means that the Ayrshire side haven't won at Parkhead since December 1955, by anybody's standards a poor run of form. Despite being effusive in his praise of the Huns when his side were on the receiving end of a similar scoreline at Ibrox during last season's run-in, Jim Jefferies seemed even grumpier than usual: 'We had a disastrous last half hour and gifted Celtic the game', he grumbled as his own wee personal rain cloud settled a few inches above his head.

February Sunday 1st Graeme BryceÕs big exclusive on the back page of this morningÕs Screws is that, ÒMartin OÕNeill has targeted Francis Jeffers as the hitman he wants to replace Henrik Larsson this summer.Ó Remember where you heard it first. Magnus Hedman makes his debut for Ancona in Serie A against fellow strugglers Lecce. He manages to keep a clean sheet for the first 45 before letting in a goal. 45 seconds that is. In the BBCÕs live DonÕt Watch Alone offering itÕs Firhill for ghouls as plucky cash-strapped Rangers pull off a surprise 1:0 victory in the Glasgow derby. Frank de Boer made his debut and without a hint of irony received his first Man of the Match nomination from Sandy Clark who observed that the ageing Dutchman ÒstrolledÓ through the game, presumably because he was too unfit to break into a jog. The sight of Chick Young slavering over both de Boer twins in the post-match interview almost put Jim WhiteÕs hagiography of Brian Laudrup in the shade. Their buttocks must have been covered in love bites by the time they reached the dressing room with Chick hanging on FrankÕs rear end like an airport Spaniel on a cocaine-filled suitcase. Nauseating. Tuesday 3rd Magnus Hedman hits back at criticism from Celtic goalkeeper coach Alan Hodgkinson and claims that he Òread that they had to pull a youth keeper out of the stand to cover for me when he was eating a pie. It is just untrueÓ. You have to believe the big Swede here, since if the poor lad was eating a Parkhead pie he is more likely to have been pulled out of intensive care at the Royal Infirmary. Mind you, if heÕd been hauled out of the boozer after a session with George Best heÕd still be more than capable of standing in for big Teflon Gloves. Wednesday 4th Having been assured by the Screws on January 25th that the speculation surrounding Martin OÕNeill possibly moving to Old Trafford is now finished once and for all, Oliver Kay in the Times (thatÕs the London version, not the Rangers fanzine based in Glasgow) reports that, ÒMartin OÕNeill is the man Manchester United rebel shareholders will turn to if they succeed in their campaign to dethrone Sir Alex Ferguson.Ó Thursday 5th In a curious twist to the Stephen Crainey transfer, Southampton manager Gordon Strachan insist that contrary to reports he paid a mere £100,000 for the player with another £100,000 to be paid should Crainey make a stipulated number of appearances. The genius that is Eck will no longer be able to use his stock phrase about still being in two cups as plucky cash-strapped Rangers narrowly fail to perform another of their giant-killing acts against Hibs in the Administration Cup semi-final at Hampden. Despite taking the Edinburgh side to extra time the Gers lose on penalties. Frank de Boer shows all the composure and technique of a true Dutch legend by missing the vital spot kick. ÒEverybody at Rangers has to keep on fightingÓ, said Eck, advice which Fernando Erection seemed to have taken a tad literally during the game as TV cameras caught his cowardly assault from behind on Derek Riordan (pronounced Riordan according to Rob McLean). Friday 6th Henrik Larsson announces that Celtic are to hold a farewell match for him at the end of the season as part of his 2001 contractual agreement. ÒIt is a salary issue. It is a way of Celtic getting a chance to pay me a salary close to the level I wanted to have. ItÕs part of my contract.Ó On the eve of the big cup tie on Saturday Craig Levein is anxious to defuse any simmering tension from the previous weekÕs towsy league game and Hartsongate: ÒWe have no other thoughts than going out tomorrow and playing the game fairly... We always want to play the game fairly... IÕd ask players and fans to be on their best behaviour.Ó Liverpool High Court awards Liverpool FC Òsubstantial damagesÓ against the Daily Record following their publication of a story last February which suggested that Martin OÕNeill would soon be on his way to replace Gerard Houlier. The Record also had to pay LiverpoolÕs costs and print an apology in the newspaper. Saturday 7th The romance of the Scottish Cup, and who could think of a more romantic place to spend a Saturday afternoon than watching Hearts players attempting to dismember their hooped opponents to the accompaniment of a cacophony of bile from the Tynecastle stands. The pre-match messages of peace and love clearly struck a note with the home side who had four players booked and two sent off. Biggest cheer of the

 

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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