february 2006

Wednesday 1st Paul Hartley gets a three match ban after being found guilty of a serious misconduct charge by the SFA's disciplinary committee as a result of his cowardly kick at Ross Wallace during the New Year's Day game. 'I regret it now but there is not much I can do, I have to take my punishment,' said Hartley. 'It was one of those things in the heat of the moment. It was a top-of-the-table clash and I reacted in the wrong way, so I have to take my punishment.'

Rangers fail in what looks to be a half-arsed attempt to sign Hibernian striker Derek Riordan prior to the Scottish Cup tie between the teams this coming weekend. Hibs rejected two bids from Ibrox for Riordan. One for an instalment plan allegedly amounting to £400,000 and the other for £400,000.50p plus a set of steak knives, ideal for cutting succulent lamb. Rangers chief executive Martin Bain told the Huns' website: 'We could not agree a fee with Hibs and we wish the player all the best in the future.' In other words, 'We're skint.'

In the evening's CIS Cup semi-final Celtic set up a final appearance against Dunfermline thanks to a last minute goal by Shaun Maloney. It was hard not to feel sorry for the Motherwell fans... Until you thought about the scenes in the home end at Fir Park on Black Sunday that is. GIRUY!

'I'm not happy with the place in the final yet because I'm still angry and disappointed with the performance,' said WGS after the game. 'It was a first semi-final for some of my players and there was a nervousness that spread like wildfire. But thank goodness for Maloney, Maciej and Hartson - who just kept running for us and were brave.'

John Hartson will miss the final after picking up his third booking of the tournament. 'I don't think big John knows yet,' said Strachan. 'But maybe the signing of Dion Dublin is not as mad as some have suggested.'

Thursday 2nd Didier Agathe finally secures an early release from his Celtic contract and is now free to find another club. A Celtic spokesman said: 'Didier has been a great servant to Celtic and everyone at the club wishes him all the best for the future.'

Rangers chairman David Murray has defended the transfer policy that meant only Kris Boyd was signed during the January window. Murray had previously told the Laptop Loyal that three players would be signed in January (for real money, mark you, not Bosmans or loan deals, to quote the great man himself) and that money was available to significantly improve the Rangers squad. 'The days of Rangers being held to ransom in the transfer market are over,' Murray told The Daily Express with a straight face. 'I told our supporters a few weeks ago we would try to get a couple of quality players in during the transfer window and hopefully they will appreciate we have done our best to fulfil that aim.'

Friday 3rd Celtic have opened talks with Shaun Maloney about extending his contract. Maloney's agent Mel Stein told the Daily Mail: 'Shaun has made a significant impact this season and the good thing is he wants to stay. Hopefully a deal can be concluded over the next month or so and certainly before the CIS Cup final on 19 March.'

Dunfermline Athletic (average home attendance this season: 6,400) have been allocated 12,500 tickets for the CIS Cup final against Celtic (average home attendance this season: 58,000) at Hampden (capacity 52,000).

Saturday 4th Scottish Cup day (for those still in it) but no real shocks. Plucky cash-strapped Rangers held Hibs to a 0:0 scoreline at half-time before eventually going down by 3:0. One less trophy for Thomas Buffel to worry about, then. The Rangers support showed its appreciation for David Murray's efforts to fulfil his promises by gathering outside the front door of Dignity FC for an impromptu demonstration calling for his head on a spike. The players' cars were driven on to the track at Ibrox to allow them to skulk away without facing the angry mob of Orcs.

Sunday 5th Ray Ryan exclusively reveals in this morning's News of the Screws that sacked Newcastle manager Graeme Souness, 'Will turn his back on Britain and emigrate to Australia - if Rangers do not offer him a job first.' Even a convict on a prison ship would baulk at those options!

Inside the Screws Graeme Bryce informed us that the Eckmeister wouldn't be going to spy on Villareal because he couldn't get a convenient flight: 'That's a million miles removed from the exploits of previous Gers bosses like Walter Smith and Dick Advocaat, who were able to hitch a lift on chairman David Murray's Lear jet to get around Europe.' One of our aircraft is missing, it seems.

Also, in what was a classic edition of the Screws, dribbling fool Gerry McNee had a go at predicting the outcome of the forthcoming Glasgow derby: 'It's said only a fool predicts an Old Firm result (go ahead then, Gerry) so I'm forecasting a high-scoring 4-2 win for Eck and his men...'

Meanwhile, in the Sunday Herald sports section, Natasha Woods hears from Eck himself why Rangers didn't sign as many players as Hearts during the January transfer window: 'You could get confused with that amount of players to pick. I know it's hard enough for me with the squad I've got...'

Monday 6th John Hartson announces his retirement from international football: 'It is a sad day for me because I have loved playing for my country and representing Wales,' he said. 'Now I have made this decision I will be concentrating my efforts 100% on doing the best I can for Celtic.'

Gordon Strachan admits that Celtic were outbid for Ajax midfielder Steven Pienaar but insists that Celtic are still willing to pay top dollar for the right player: 'If they're exceptional players, we will have to push the boat out. But, in general, the days of your 20-40 grand players are gone. The word has gone about now that we can't do it. Pienaar was an example. He chose Dortmund because the wages weren't high enough here. If there's another Stan Petrov, we could go for them, but we'd have to sacrifice another three players.'

Wednesday 8th In a full midweek SPL programme, Celtic beat Falkirk 2:1 at CP. Gordon Strachan seemed to be happier than most of the fans when he spoke after the match: 'We're back in terms of freshness and imagination. We looked dangerous every time we went forward. The game should have been over and done with well before Falkirk scored and we were a little nervy at the end. But I'm pleased with the display and it's given me a few things to think about before the weekend.'

Somebody with even more to think about before the weekend in the genius that is Eck as the Orcs lose again at Pittodrie, leaving an 18 point gap between them and the Hoops at the top of the league: 'It's horrendous for the fans. I'm absolutely gutted and hurting as much as they are. I must contemplate making changes for the game against Celtic. I'm sure the players will be up for it, but they know they are walking a tightrope with performances like that, but we have to keep battling.'

Thursday 9th Real Radio is forced to issue a grovelling Daily Record-style apology to Celtic's directors following allegations made on a programme by presenter Ewen Cameron last month. Cameron himself was made to read it on air: 'On the Real Football Phone-in programme broadcast by Real Radio on January 13th this year, I alleged that Peter Lawwell, in his role as chief executive of Celtic plc, and the board of Celtic plc had been untruthful to Celtic supporters and to the media in relation to player contracts... Real Radio and I acknowledge and accept that these allegations were completely without foundation, were unreasonable and ought not to have been broadcast. Real Radio and I wish to retract the allegations and to apologise unreservedly to both Mr. Lawwell and the Celtic Board for the distress and damage caused by the broadcasting of the allegations.'

The Eckmeister will leave his position as Rangers manager at the end of the season, a communique from the Death Star has confirmed. 'The decision had been made. This is a premature announcement,' said Murray (You can get treatment for that these days - concerned Ed). 'It was our intention to make an announcement after the Villarreal games of a major investment and a potential new manager (potential new manager? What that? Incredulous Ed). But we felt that, taking all factors into consideration (a couple of gubbings and 18 points behind Celtic) and after discussing the situation collectively with supporters' groups (baying mobs outside the front door are starting to make us a bit hot under the collar), the board (D. Murray), Alex and some players, the best thing was to announce it is Alex's intention to leave at the end of the season.'

McLeish was apparently told on Thursday afternoon that his four-year reign was over. Murray also promised the Laptop Loyal an announcement of some major investment although he wouldn't be specific about how much. 'Significant amounts of money will be coming into Rangers Football Club. It's obvious Rangers have got to reinvest real money in players. There will be significant funds available to the new manager. It won't be just Bosmans and loan deals,' he said, in a statement spookily reminiscent of the one he made before Christmas.

Friday 10th The Cat in the Hat has been busy telling hacks that he himself decided it was time to be sacked a few months ago: 'I spoke to the chairman last August and said 'I'll probably want to leave next summer'. We didn't make it public - certainly not in January when we finally decided - because maybe the players would have taken their foot off the gas.' Good decision. They might have dropped to fourth in the league or something.

David Murray says he already knows who will take over but he's not telling anybody just now. As far as his future is concerned the Eckmeister believes he can do a job in the Premiership and, coincidentally, Wigan are looking for a night watchman. SPL clubs, on the other hand, needn't form a queue: 'I don't think I could manage in Scotland again. Whatever some people might have thought, I'm a Rangers man.' A fact he had kept well hidden until quite recently.

Sunday 12th The Sunday Mason leads on its FRONT page with the news that, 'Mrs. Paul Le Guen said bonjour on a flying visit to Scotland yesterday as speculation linking her husband to the Rangers manager's job reached fever pitch.' Apparently Her Indoors had to endure the company of Martin Bain for a day as she went house hunting and checked out a few schools. We hear that St. Aloysius is quite a good one. Wonder if that was part of the tour? The other red top rag seemed equally convinced that the Frenchman's appointment was a formality and that he was 'ready to start another revolution at Ibrox.'

Last stop on the whistle-stop tour of Glasgow for Monsieur Colleu is the Death Star to see Celtic beat Rangers 1:0 thanks to a goal by magic Zurawski after 12 minutes. 'I picked a team for the heavy going. I thought it would be a physical game and so I picked physical players,' said WGS. Maybe he knew Rangers were going to pick mental players. 'It doesn't surprise me that Lennon and Keane can play together. We looked relaxed but that comes from having good players, and their touch makes them look that way. But I'm not going to rule Rangers out of things.'

Monday 13th Yves Colleu tells the Daily Rectum: 'We do not have a lot of precious time to give our answer. But I should be able to tell you a lot more by Wednesday.'

Tuesday 14th Villarreal chief scout Javier Cabello, has offered a frank assessment of the Rangers defence ahead of their Champions League match next week at Ibrox: 'The Rangers defence, especially the centre halves Kyrgiakos and Andrews, are very weak and too slow.' Perhaps the cruellest jibe of all was his summing up of wee Burkie: 'I saw Rangers against Aberdeen and Celtic and the player who really caught my eye was Chris Burke. I will not be surprised if this boy ends up playing for a big club very soon.'

In the Evening Times, Darrell King reports that, 'David Murray has cooled suggestions that Rangers are on the verge of naming Paul Le Guen as their new manager... Talk of a decision tomorrow is 'premature''.

Wednesday 15th Newcastle United publicise Alan Shearer's testimonial against the Hoops in May and the player announces that he'll be giving the proceeds of the match to charity. 'I hope by pledging the money from my game people less fortunate than myself will also benefit from my career,' he said. Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd said, 'Alan Shearer is a true professional and is the epitome of all that is good about this terrific game. His loyalty, commitment and total dedication over the years has provided, and continues to provide, football supporters with superb entertainment.' Brian Quinn added: 'We are sure a number of our supporters will make their way to St. James' Park to play their part in football history and pay tribute to a true footballing legend.'

Thursday 16th The Football Money League, a report published by accountancy firm Deloitte, reveals that Rangers have slipped out of the top 20 of the world's richest football clubs, while Celtic are still in there at 16th in the elite list. Celtic are the only club outwith Europe's big five of England, Italy, Germany, Spain and France. Last year's turnover was £62.2m. Goalie David Marshall tells hacks he doesn't want to spend another season as a substitute. 'I'll maybe have a chat with the manager towards the end of the summer. I've still got two-and-a-half years left on my contract and unless I hear differently I'll be here for the duration of that. I don't think with the experience I've had I can afford to sit on the bench for another year.'

Sunday 19th Classic Sunday Mason stuff this morning with Gavin Berry's exclusive splattered all over the back page: 'Artur Boruc has launched a scathing attack on his Celtic team mates and the club's fans in an outburst that could end his Parkhead career.' Boruc's comments were apparently made at a Legia Warsaw supporter function and he was quoted in a Polish newspaper article which eventually found its way to Masonsport in time to put me off yet another breakfast and on the eve of an important away match at East End Park into the bargain. Interviewed about Boruc by Setanta before the game WGS treated the Masonsport article with the contempt it deserves: 'It was done tongue in cheek in a football forum with about 50 Legia Warsaw fans. Some of the boys were disgusted they didn't get a mention. I knew of it on Tuesday, but it looks funny in print.'

Referring to Boruc's alleged comment that John Hartson is the 'laziest player I've seen', Strachan added: 'I did see a ginger, rotund guy out doing sprints in the car park this morning.'

More good news in the Screws as well, with Ewing Grahame's exclusive that 'John Hartson will quit Celtic at the end of the season to spend more time with his daughters.' Whatever this story did for team morale we could do with more of Berry's stuff as the Hoops finally overcome stubborn Pars resistance (all three minutes of it) in a nine goal thriller. 'The players had a reputation to uphold and I asked them to go out and do that against Dunfermline,' said Strachan.'

Neil Lennon even scored - his first in four years - describing it afterwards as a 'JFK moment': 'I'm delighted with the goal. I remember the last time I scored Martin O'Neill said he was pencilling another one in for 2006 and I thought 'cheeky get' but I don't know when the next one will come. Shaun's goal was great and it sums up his season and Zurawski was magnificent.'

Tuesday 21st Artur Boruc has told the Polish press that he's considering suing the papers who went to town with his story at the weekend: 'Celtic players were just laughing at all this story,' said Boruc, 'But the supporters seem to be angry. One of the Polish newspapers twisted my words and I'm seriously considering to sue them. Scottish journalists added a bit from themselves too'.

More success for the Under-19 squad as they return to Glasgow from Italy where they won their first silverware of the season with a win over tournament favourites Sampdoria in the final of the prestigious Arcobaleno Youth Cup. 'It was an Under-19 tournament and you were allowed four Under-20s,' said coach Willie McStay. 'We travelled there with no Under-20s and only four Under-19s, so it was a young group that we went with and that makes this win all the more pleasing.'

Wednesday 23rd As Villareal fans are warned not to wear Celtic colours to Ibrox by Strathclyde's finest, midfield star Roger tells the Laptop Loyal he's been a Celtic fan since he was weaned off his mother's tortillas: 'I'm a bit of a Celtic fan, I have to say. It comes from the fact that growing up in Catalunya and in Barcelona there has always been a strong pro-Celtic sentiment. I'm not sure why but I certainly inherited it. I'm much more of a closet Celtic fan than any other team outside Spain.'

The Daily Retard's view of this? 'Having kept the secret to himself for the past three decades Roger's timing, just 48 hours before stepping out in front of a capacity Ibrox crowd, was hardly ideal.'

Meanwhile, according to the front page of the Scottish Hun today, 'GERS ON UEFA BIGOT ALERT.' UEFA have apparently sent an observer to Ibrox to see if the crowd are guilty of racist or sectarian behaviour. If UEFA do actually do something as a result it will really show up the SFA/SPL who have done nothing for over a hundred years. I'm sure, though, that David Murray's FTP Brigade will be on their best behaviour.

Thursday 24th Not that anyone's getting carried away with last night's spawny 2:2 draw (TV viewers who had the sound turned on can but imagine how many pages of the UEFA observer's notebook were filled up), but one caller phoned the Daily Rectum's Hotline to berate Alex McLeish for dropping Boab Malcolm FTP who has, 'been playing like Zenedine Zidane' recently. When did Zidane lose his power of coordination? Did I miss something??

Celtic chairman Brian Quinn says the club are financially strong, despite announcing a pre-tax loss of just under £1m for the six months to 31 December. And he praised manager Gordon Strachan for taking his side to the top of the SPL despite rebuilding the side. 'Gordon Strachan is performing exceptionally well in his first season as Celtic manager. The magnitude of the task awaiting him when he arrived last summer has, in my view, been greatly under-appreciated. He succeeded a very successful, charismatic leader,. Almost one third of the first-team squad had to be replaced before the season began. He faced the need to rebuild one of Celtic's best-ever squads as many of the players, for various reasons, left Celtic Park. He set out to fill the vacancies with younger, often locally-developed players. He was obliged to work within a budget significantly more restricted than his predecessor. And he was expected to do all these things while continuing to win trophies at home and to perform well in Europe. It is hard to imagine that any sport or business, having this proportion of turnover in its staff, could do more than tread water for a time. Our early exit from Europe clearly illustrated the point that time is needed to recruit and weld together a new football squad. To his great credit, Gordon did not lose heart, but got on with the job and has led the team to a healthy lead in the SPL and to the CIS Cup final.'

Interim results showed a loss of £0.96m compared to a profit of £1.55m in 2004, despite operating expenses being reduced by 4.2% to £29.5m. Group turnover fell from £39m to £33m, with an early exit from Europe being a major factor. Quinn went on: 'At present, Celtic is in a financially strong position and doing well in domestic football.'

Saturday 26th The Sun features an exclusive on its front page under the headline 'Marvin: I'll cure lesbian MPs' in which Nick Sharpe reveals that, 'Rangers star Marvin Andrews insisted his church can cure lesbian MSP Margaret Smith.' Is that the same Minister Marvin, incidentally, who scored a goal with his arm against Inverness the other week but didn't let on to the ref? Tut tut. Anyway, Marvin's mate, Pastor Joe, also claimed that dire things would happen if Margaret Smith was allowed to marry her partner: 'God is angry with Scotland - if this wedding goes ahead he will show that anger... I predict total economic collapse or a plague of biblical proportions that will shake us to our roots.' Or Rangers dropping out of the top six? If that's the case then 'step we gaily on we go...'

Sunday 27th Most of the Scottish papers are singing from the same hymn sheet this morning, and it doesn't make for particularly reassuring reading for the denizens of the Death Star. Kenny MacDonald's exclusive in the Screws is that, 'Rangers' hopes of landing Paul le Guen have been thrown into doubt after it emerged he's led a series of top clubs to believe he'd be their new boss. He visited FOUR leading sides on the continent and then suddenly rejected them ALL.' (Kenny's capitals).

Swoop's exclusive, over at Masonsport, is that 'Paul le Guen's expected move to become manager of Rangers was last night thrown into doubt as it emerged the Frenchman is considering an offer to boss the Cameroon national side.'

The Sunday Herald's sports section also features a double page spread by Michael Grant on Le Guen's serial courting of managers' jobs around Europe. Only the Scotland on Sunday's Richard Bath seems resolute in his conviction that Mrs. L's shopping expedition might yet see her returning her undies to Marks & Spencer: 'Paul le Guen has turned down an approach to coach Cameroon. The decision underlines his determination to succeed Alex McLeish as Rangers manager.'

Monday 28th ROMAN IN HUNT FOR LE GUEN is the headline above Keith Jacksie's exclusive in the Daily Rectum, wherein the sports department's ace reporter reveals that, 'Roman Abramovich is believed to be bankrolling a bid by the Russian FA to snatch Paul le Guen from under Rangers' nose.' Surely only Abramovich could trump David Murray? Curiouser and curioser.

 

Diary compiled by
SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

 

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