February 2004

Sunday 1st Graeme Bryce's big exclusive on the back page of this morning's Screws is that, 'Martin O'Neill has targeted Francis Jeffers as the hitman he wants to replace Henrik Larsson this summer.' Remember where you heard it first.

Magnus Hedman makes his debut for Ancona in Serie A against fellow strugglers Lecce. He manages to keep a clean sheet for the first 45 before letting in a goal. 45 seconds that is.

In the BBC's live Don't Watch Alone offering it's Firhill for ghouls as plucky cash-strapped Rangers pull off a surprise 1:0 victory in the Glasgow derby. Frank de Boer made his debut and without a hint of irony received his first Man of the Match nomination from Sandy Clark who observed that the ageing Dutchman 'strolled' through the game, presumably because he was too unfit to break into a jog. The sight of Chick Young slavering over both de Boer twins in the post-match interview almost put Jim White's hagiography of Brian Laudrup in the shade. Their buttocks must have been covered in love bites by the time they reached the dressing room with Chick hanging on Frank's rear end like an airport Spaniel on a cocaine-filled suitcase. Nauseating.

Tuesday 3rd Magnus Hedman hits back at criticism from Celtic goalkeeper coach Alan Hodgkinson and claims that he 'read that they had to pull a youth keeper out of the stand to cover for me when he was eating a pie. It is just untrue'. You have to believe the big Swede here, since if the poor lad was eating a Parkhead pie he is more likely to have been pulled out of intensive care at the Royal Infirmary. Mind you, if he'd been hauled out of the boozer after a session with George Best he'd still be more than capable of standing in for big Teflon Gloves.

Wednesday 4th Having been assured by the Screws on January 25th that the speculation surrounding Martin O'Neill possibly moving to Old Trafford is now finished once and for all, Oliver Kay in the Times (that's the London version, not the Rangers fanzine based in Glasgow) reports that, 'Martin O'Neill is the man Manchester United rebel shareholders will turn to if they succeed in their campaign to dethrone Sir Alex Ferguson.'

Thursday 5th In a curious twist to the Stephen Crainey transfer, Southampton manager Gordon Strachan insist that contrary to reports he paid a mere £100,000 for the player with another £100,000 to be paid should Crainey make a stipulated number of appearances.

The genius that is Eck will no longer be able to use his stock phrase about still being in two cups as plucky cash-strapped Rangers narrowly fail to perform another of their giant-killing acts against Hibs in the Administration Cup semi-final at Hampden. Despite taking the Edinburgh side to extra time the Gers lose on penalties. Frank de Boer shows all the composure and technique of a true Dutch legend by missing the vital spot kick. 'Everybody at Rangers has to keep on fighting', said Eck, advice which Fernando Erection seemed to have taken a tad literally during the game as TV cameras caught his cowardly assault from behind on Derek Riordan (pronounced Riordan according to Rob McLean).

Friday 6th Henrik Larsson announces that Celtic are to hold a farewell match for him at the end of the season as part of his 2001 contractual agreement. 'It is a salary issue. It is a way of Celtic getting a chance to pay me a salary close to the level I wanted to have. It's part of my contract.'

On the eve of the big cup tie on Saturday Craig Levein is anxious to defuse any simmering tension from the previous week's towsy league game and Hartsongate: 'We have no other thoughts than going out tomorrow and playing the game fairly... We always want to play the game fairly... I'd ask players and fans to be on their best behaviour.'

Liverpool High Court awards Liverpool FC 'substantial damages' against the Daily Record following their publication of a story last February which suggested that Martin O'Neill would soon be on his way to replace Gerard Houlier. The Record also had to pay Liverpool's costs and print an apology in the newspaper.

Saturday 7th The romance of the Scottish Cup, and who could think of a more romantic place to spend a Saturday afternoon than watching Hearts players attempting to dismember their hooped opponents to the accompaniment of a cacophony of bile from the Tynecastle stands. The pre-match messages of peace and love clearly struck a note with the home side who had four players booked and two sent off. Biggest cheer of theday from the Gorgie Gargoyles was when Maybury got his marching orders for yet another rustic swipe at Neil Lennon's lower extremities. Speaking about the almost obligatory abuse directed at Lennon throughout the match Martin O'Neill said, 'Neil gets stick all over the place. I can understand it at Ibrox but I'm not sure I understand it at other grounds.' Explanations on a postcard please.

In the live draw for the quarter-finals Celtic got the chance to give one of Scotland's hard-up diddy teams a much needed bumper pay day when Rangers were picked out of the hat to come to Parkhead should they manage to beat Kilmarnock...

Sunday 8th ...Which they duly manage to do albeit they required the help of referee Dougie MacDonald. The right kind of confident 'we can succeed where Bayern and Valencia failed' noises immediately begin to waft out from the bunkers beneath the marble staircase, as in, 'I'm totally confident General Custer and his men can go to Sioux Stadium and get a result.'

Tuesday 10th A Celtic spokesman admits that as part of current cost-cutting measures the club are considering laying off the thirty or so personnel responsible for inflicting the Celtic View and Celtic Replay on us. Fetch my pitchfork and fiery brand. I'm off to the Walfrid car park to protest!! According to reports, the ubiquitous insider also said, 'The costs of Celtic TV are plainly dragging the playing side down.' He forgot to mention that it's also populated with a bunch of fevered egos who continually force us to pay a higher psychic price than we otherwise need to.

Wednesday 11th UEFA uphold the two match ban handed out to Neil Lennon following his rant at referee Urs Meyer after the Lyon game. He will now definitely miss both ties against Teplice in the UEFA Cup.

In the evening SPL match, Celtic hammer Dunfermline 4:1 on their artificial pitch having gone a goal behind for the first time in two months. Afterwards, manager and players are scathing about the playing surface.

Thursday 12th as an added incentive for the board at the Death Star to get their shit together in a hurry, UEFA Chief Executive Lars-Christer Olsen has warned that clubs with large debt face being banned from the Champions League and the UEFA Cup.

Friday 13th PLC Chairman Brian Quinn chooses this ominous date to announce the club's interim financial results for the last six months. While turnover was up and debt was down, a modest loss was still recorded which prompted Quinn to warn that there will be no buying unless sales are made first or unless a comparable UEFA Cup run to last season's unfolds in the coming weeks. 'The policy is that we are not going to be very active in the transfer market', said the Chairman, 'We can take some comfort as a board that we have a manager who has a good eye for value.' Quite.

As Quinn was demonstrating that every silver lining has a cloud, it transpires that Danny Milosovic, the cheery 'keeper OFM signed a few days ago has been granted compassionate leave... or is it a Section 8? 'He signed a contract but he has a few personal problems that he wants to get resolved,' said O'Neill. If he goes back to Leeds he can always get some counselling from Mark Viduka.

Saturday 14th In the early kick-off at Pittodrie cash-strapped Rangers hold Aberdeen to a 1:1 draw. At the end of the match Radio Clyde... er ... pundit, and Daily Record columnist Mark Hateley has to briefly stop talking pish when a disgruntled Aberdeen fan throws a notebook at him. Who says they don't understand symbolism up there?

The afternoon sees Celtic beat Dundee united 2:1 at Parkhead to equal Morton's record of 22 league wins in a row. The game is notable for some controversial moments, not least when a foul awarded to Dundee United for nothing results in a goal (what do you mean you don't recall reading about that in the papers?). Celtic's winning goal comes from the spot after Stilian Petrov was fouled by a United defender. Somewhat predictably the old accusations of cheating are given another airing.

Monday 16th It's a tribute to his sense of his perspective that Mark Hateley can soberly reflect on his recent Pittodrie experience in his Monday Record column and, in an obvious bid to bring some much needed harmony to relations between Aberdeen and Rangers, call for Pittodrie to be closed for five matches. We can only shudder to think what draconian punishments he would call down on the heads of any club whose fans had the temerity to hit an opposition player on the head with a coin.

Wednesday 18th BBC Scotland are to show the second leg of the Teplice UEFA Cup tie live at 5pm on Wednesday March 3rd.

The SFA block a bid by Celtic fans to buy up 1200 tickets for the next match at Dens Park (with a promise to buy a similar number of half-time draw tickets) - thereby guaranteeing the home side £25,000 up front - claiming that protocol demands that the club should have first refusal on the tickets.

Pickle-loving computer nut Jorge Cadete finally refutes any allegations that he is a loony by turning up at Firhill to train with Partick Thistle, hoping to win a contract to play for the Jags after Raith Rovers told him they couldn't afford to offer him a contract

Sunday 22nd Scotland on Sunday reports that Martin O'Neill has once again strenuously denied what they describe as 'persistent and well sourced' rumours that he is set to become the next manager of Tottenham Hotspur. 'That is completely and utterly untrue. It simply couldn't be more untrue so you can run it if you like', OFM is quoted as saying, although this doesn't stop the unidentified hack ploughing on regardless: 'Yet a source close to Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy insists that 'the deal is as good as done. Hands have been shaken and O'Neill will be at Tottenham in the summer.'... According to club insiders Tottenham made a definitive move for O'Neill after the collapse of talks with Italy coach Trapattoni last month.'

History is made in the afternoon as Celtic beat Partick Thistle 4:1 at Firhill to make it 24 consecutive league victories. Surely it's time to honour this magnificent achievement by producing a new strip featuring 24 stars?

Just as well Celtic kept the run of wins going, as the Gers hit top form against Hibs at Ibrox the previous day with a 3:0 romp, their biggest league win in four months. Only the churlish would point out that two of the goals came from the penalty spot courtesy of Hugh Dallas.

Wednesday 25th Big transfer story today comes from Alan Nixon in the Independent who reveals that, 'Celtic are planning an ambitious move to sign Bolton's Nigerian star Jay-Jay Okocha on a free transfer at the season's end.'

Sean Maloney's season is over after tests on his knee, injured during an under-21 match on Monday, show that he has suffered cruciate ligament damage.

Thursday 26th This season's UEFA Cup campaign gets underway as Teplice - a team which not too long ago would probably have scored at least one away goal - are seen off in regulation fashion with a 3:0 victory. Before the kick-off FIFA President Sepp Blatter hands over the Fair Play Award to supporters' representatives. 'I'm pleased and honoured to present this award', he said later, 'because of the extraordinary behaviour before, during and after the game in Seville. They behaved as football fans should and we would never have any violence or trouble at matches if everyone behaved that way. They reacted as if they had won the game and they mingled with the winners which was wonderful. This is football and it's easy to win but it's not so easy to lose.' Talking of Celtic Park Blatter confirmed its status as a top European venue: 'This is a five star stadium there is no doubt about it... I have seen a lot of stadia in my 20 years with FIFA and I can say this one could definitely receive the final of any competition.'

Celtic go on to win the game itself by 3:0, although it takes a late Henrik Larsson goal to make the second leg a formality.

Friday 27th The 12 SPL clubs have voted to accept a £35 million subscription based TV deal with Dublin based company Setanta, who will have the rights to broadcast 38 live league games a season. Anyone interested will be asked to shell out £150 for a Setanta season ticket. The majority of live games will feature Celtic or Rangers and will involve matches being played at 3pm on Sunday afternoons. Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell later reveals that the club did not vote in favour of the deal on the grounds that four years is too long a commitment when the market is so depressed.

Sunday 29th Big Celtic story in the morning papers is Bobo Balde asking for a new four year contract. 'I am happy here', he's quoted as saying, 'If Celtic want me I will finish my career here.'

In the afternoon Celtic notch up win number 25 in a row against Livingston at Parkhead, while at Tannadice Rangers warm up for the forthcoming Old Firm cup tie by gamely managing to hold Dundee United to a 2:0 defeat.

 

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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