december 2005

Saturday 3rd Roy Keane's lawyer tells hacks that the player has been in talks with Celtic and will make a final decision on his future next week: 'There have been talks with lots of clubs - including Celtic,' said Michael Kennedy. 'Roy has one or two more clubs still to see and there will be a decision during the course of next week.'

In the afternoon's mid-table SPL clash it's a hard earned point for Rangers in their quest to hold on to a top six spot as they manage to hold Falkirk to a draw at Ibrox, the home side's goals coming courtesy of an own goal and a generous penalty. It's a record breaking nine-in-a-row without a win for Eck and makes him officially the worst manager in the history of Dignity FC. According to the BBC's match report, 'The final minutes of the game were played in front of a largely empty stadium as thousands of disgruntled fans left early,' although there were enough still left inside to salute the players coming off the pitch with the new club song, 'Booooooo!' As David Bennie might say, it sounded to radio listeners as if 20,000 vampires were being hosed down with holy water in the middle of St. Peter's Square.

Sunday 4th As Gordon Waddell in the Mason contents himself with an article about 'raging fans' calling for Eck's head on a spike outside the front doors of Dignity FC, kenny MacDonald has yet another exclusive in the Screws (how does this man uncover so many scoops??) wherein he still maintains that not only will Paul le Guen be taking over at Castle Greyskull 'within days', but also that he has already 'identified six players he wants out during the January transfer window... They include peter Lovenkrands, Hamed Namouchi, brahim Hemdani, Federico Nieto, Steven Thompson and fans' favourite Chris Burke.' And how much must that lot be worth in today's transfer market??

Meanwhile, in the Sunday Herald, Roddy Thompson reports that, 'Celtic have agreed a deal to take Hibs defender Gary Caldwell and forward Derek Riordan from Hibs next month. The Sunday Herald understands that versatile Scotland regular Caldwell will switch from Easter Road to Glasgow ahead of his contract expiry date... Riordan, whose deal does not run out until October, is due to accompany Caldwell west despite continuing interest from Anderlecht - and the addition of Tottenham Hotspur for last Sunday's victory over Rangers. While a combined fee for early release has not been established, sources on both sides of the M8 divide have confirmed a deal has been agreed in principal. The addition of Riordan to the deal - and negotiations are believed to be close to completion after talks last Wednesday - allows Hibs to move more purposefully in next month's transfer window.

In the afternoon, Celtic go back to the top of the table courtesy of a 3:1 win at Pittodrie, having come from behind.

On the eve of his side's UEFA Cup tie in Holland against AZ Alkmaar (Who they? Ed) the Eckmeister tells the Laptop Loyal that he's not worried about having to face teams parachuted into the knockout stages from the Champions League: 'Real Madrid might end up in the UEFA Cup but the way we are playing right now we would not be afraid of facing anyone.' Kenneth Perez, the AZ Alkmaar striker, has slightly less belief in the ability of Los Comicos to defeat Los Galacticos: 'Rangers as a name are a big club but in the last five years they have lost a lot of good players and the money is not what it used to be. Celtic are still the better team.

'Monday 5th Celtic's 3:1 victory at Pittodrie is not without its aftermath. The SFA are waiting for referee Charlie Richmond's report before deciding if they will initiate an investigation into an incident when a coin was thrown at Neil Lennon by an Aberdeen supporter during the game. Lennon and Celtic were playing down the incident - Gordon Strachan said the player made no mention of it to him.

Both Celtic and Hibs were bust denying a report by Roddy Thompson that appeared in the previous day's Sunday Herald claiming that Derek Riordan and Gary Caldwell will be signing for the Hoops in January. Easter Road spokesman David Forsyth said: 'It's categorically untrue. We have not been contacted by anybody.'

Hacks are also speculating that an announcement as to where Roy Keane will next sign has been put back to later in the week, coinciding with a late move to sign him by Real Madrid.

Reserve midfield player Paul Lawson signs an extension to his current contract that will see him at Celtic until the summer of 2008. The Scotland Under-21 international is captain of Celtic reserves and made his first-team debut in a pre-season friendly against Leeds Utd. Gordon Strachan has encouraged Lawson to use the example of other young players who have made the breakthrough into the first-team as an inspiration: 'Paul is coming along great and we are delighted to be able to reward him with this new extension to his contract. Paul can see other young players such as Aiden McGeady, Stephen McManus, Ross Wallace and Shaun Maloney doing well in training and reserve matches and being given a chance in the first team and he knows he certainly has that same opportunity.'

Time to get the tin hats out Bhoys and Ghirls. Darrell king in the Evening Times has announced that, 'David Murray has lined up a transfer war chest in excess of £10 million for the new Rangers manager. The exact details of how the Ibrox owner and chairman will raise the funds were still unclear today.' Wonder why that might be? Still, that's not Darrell's business to find out. He'Õs only there to placate the Orcs by sending down PR despatches from halfway up DM's sphincter (surely 'fearlessly investigating the big stories behind the worst crisis in Rangers' history? Ed). 'Once tomorrow night's crucial Champions League game against Inter Milan is out of the way, Murray will reveal his hand. McLeish will take charge of Rangers for the final time against the Italians and a new management team will be put in place. Frenchman Paul le Guen continues to run as favourite, with reports over the weekend suggesting that he was in Glasgow last week to agree a deal with Murray to take over.' What? Paul le Guen AND a whole ten million quid to spend?? Please stop Darrell, we're all shitting ourselves at the though of a resurgent Rangers.

Tuesday 6th In an interview given to the Celtic Supporters' Association, Dermot Desmond has been responding to criticism levelled at him by sections of the support. On the subject of his commitment to Celtic Desmond said: 'When I hear fans question my commitment to the club I'd like to tell them to go jump into the biggest river they can find, because for one they don't even know what they're talking about. It's totally ignorant for them to say that all the problems are resolved by me putting money into the club, that will never be the case. I put money into the club because I believe it's the right thing to do for the club and for the direction of the club and the way I think it should be directed.'

Asked about Henrik Larsson's recent comments that there should have been more investment in the team after Seville Dermot replied: 'There's no lost opportunity. There was no player that Martin asked for that he was refused. At the same time we weren't going to go out there with a wad of money and buy up and say we have the divine right to get to the Champions League final and the UEFA Cup final again. It's not a director's responsibility to behave in that fashion and say we are going to invest in a whole lot of new players because we'll get it back in Europe.'

In case anybody is waiting for DD to turn into a Roman Abramovich overnight there was bad news: 'Listen to me, I have had it over the last few years with people telling me to put more money into Celtic and I find it most irritating. I see the same match as you do, I have no more responsibility to put money into Celtic than you or anybody else for that matter. So why should I put money into Celtic more than you or anyone else? The supporters at Celtic want a Russian billionaire because they want a Russian billionaire to throw money at it.'

He hasn't given up on moving to the Premiership either: 'The situation is simply this. Celtic and Rangers, with 60,000 and 50,000 supporters per week, notwithstanding Hearts' performance, are really too big for the Scottish league and if any independent person looked at this and were asked where Celtic and Rangers should play, they would say the [English] Premiership. If the Premiership doesn't want us for their own reasons that's understandable in some ways. In other ways it would be a far better league but again their membership can decide whether they want Celtic and Rangers in or not. There's no point in me saying to you it's forgotten about, it's never forgotten about. While we think we should be there we'll always pursue it directly and indirectly.'

The full interview can be found on the CSA website.

More kite flying today as the tabloids report that Gordon Strachan is considering signing Tottenham midfielder Pedro Mendes.

As we pride ourselves in this magazine on our objectivity and innate sense of fair play we can only pause to congratulate Rangers following their Champions League draw against Inter Milan reserves at Ibrox for becoming the first team in the history of... er... Rangers, to go ten games in a row without winning a match. Despite the euphoria in the media following the game, psychiatric specialists were expressing concern that Fernando Ricksen may have suffered permanent brain damage as a result of the head clash he suffered in the Stuttgart game two seasons ago - a gaping wound in his cranium was opened and TV viewers were subjected to a close-up of him with his eyeballs rotating and his tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth looking dazed and confused, a condition which has become almost normal for the Ibrox hero - after a post-match interview which saw him offer the opinion that, 'This result makes Alex McLeish the best manager in the country ever - he is the first boss to qualify from the Champions League since the competition started. There can be no arguments about that because it is there in black and white... Alex has done more than Martin O'Neill in five years.'

However there is hope that at least part of Ricksen's brain still remains functional as he admitted, 'We know that we are one of the smallest clubs still involved in the Champions League and that there are some fantastic sides who we could be drawn against.'

Wednesday 7th In response to Dermot Desmond's interview, Peter Rafferty, secretary of the Affiliation of Celtic Supporters' Associations, has been widely quoted on the newsfeeds today as expressing his belief that, rather than being insulted by some of DD's remarks, he believes the vast majority of fans are grateful for Desmond's generosity and can understand his frustration over the criticism directed at him: 'The supporters are generally appreciative of the sums of money he has put into the club in previous years and recently with the share issue. I don't think the supporters will feel his words have bad mouthed them because he has made a major contribution to the club and these words have been aimed at the minority. Fans sometimes look at the vast fortunes that clubs elsewhere spend and look to him because of his wealth. I don't think the supporters mean to upset him. They are not looking for huge sums of money to be invested but for some money to be spent wisely.'

Artur Boruc is about to become the subject of an investigation by Grampian Police following an alleged incident during Celtic's win over Aberdeen on Sunday. Complaints from home fans about alleged gestures made to them have led to the investigation - (presumably not the same sensitive souls who were chucking coins at Neil Lennon - and the big goalie is now expected to be questioned by the police.

Pushed into a reply by fevered Record hacks, Pedro Mendes has admitted he would be interested in a move to Celtic... then goes on to admit that the story is a non-event: 'Nobody has spoken with me. I have no information about the possibility of going to Celtic.'

Thursday 8th MSPs were today being urged to back a motion in the Scottish Parliament tabled by Dunfermline East MSP Helen Eadie calling for Celtic goalkeeper John Thomson to be included in the Scottish Football Hall of Fame as, 'football fans continue to honour the memory of this legendary player who continues to serve as a role model for Scotland's children... so decent, so upstanding and so honoured for setting standards for behaviour in football.' Chancellor Gordon Brown commented that Thomson is 'a giant of Scottish football.'

On the subject of Scottish football giants, the genius that is Alex McLeish will continue as manager of Rangers after he received the dreaded full support of club chairman David Murray. Murray told a gathering of the Laptop Loyal: 'We had a meeting today and I feel that it is correct and appropriate that Alex should remain manager of the club. It was also important that he could reassure me that he is committed and I'm pleased we're sticking together.' Pulling a peeled onion from his pocket, and to the strains of a rousing chorus of the Dambusters March, Murray went on, 'He has been battered by criticism, but I believe in Alex and I believe in this group of players.' As he began squirting reporters with water from the hilarious dummy flower in his buttonhole Murray also refuted claims he had offered the manager's post to any other managers during the recent turbulent times. 'I told Alex what I would do if it didn't work out and we needed a Plan B,' he said. 'I kept him on board at all times, but I never offered the job to anybody else.' Whatever 'it' was, it must have worked out fine then. Murray couldn't possibly have been referring to Eck's job review, since in the period in question his team failed to win a single match.

The Laptop Loyal might well have been soaking this all up with their eyes glazed over in admiration, but the rest of the country let out a collective belly laugh on reading Murray's thoughts on why nobody else was offered the hot seat: 'It would have been easy for me to say to 'we should end this' and somebody else would have had the benefit of players coming back from injury. But why should anyone else get the Rangers blazer to go to the Nou Camp or Anfield or Stamford Bridge? Alex deserves that.' Rangers in the Nou Camp; there's a thought to conjure with.

On the subject of supporters calling for Eck's head on a spike outside Ibrox recently Murray admitted he wasn't even a Rangers supporter: 'I can understand the venom (interesting choice of word there - Ed). If I was a supporter I would have been shouting.'

Friday 9th At the Friday press conference, Gordon Strachan reiterates earlier denials from Easter Road that a deal has been done to sign Caldwell and Riordan but admits that he'd like to get Stilian Petrov and Stephen McManus to sign on the line as soon as possible following suggestions in the chip wrappers that negotiations with both had broken down: 'I rate Stephen highly as a person who is getting better all the time. Things are coming along well. I would like him to sign and all the coaching staff would like him to sign but that's Stephen's decision. But he's put himself in a smashing position in terms of a contract because he has got stronger as the season has gone on. It's the same with Petrov, it's ongoing. If you look at any big contract deal - and I don't mean just financially - then it takes a long time. We're all positive. Stilian and Stephen are both priorities but anybody who wants to stay is my priority.'

When asked about how he viewed the news that Rangers manager Alex McLeish would be staying at Ibrox, Strachan would only say 'good'.

On the subject of Roy Keane, Strachan added: 'I will say the same thing as last week and the week before, we're not going there. I hope Roy Keane makes the best decision for his future.'

Saturday 10th Aiden McGeady is named Bank of Scotland SPL young player of the month for November having scored three goals during the month he returned to the first team. In the Times (that's the London version, not the Glasgow version) James Ducker reliably informs us that, 'Everton moved a step closer to signing Roy Keane last night and are thought to be confident that a deal might be concluded over the weekend. The Merseyside club have emerged as the front-runners to sign the former Manchester United captain, who, as well as being loath to uproot his family and move away from the North West, is believed to have privately expressed reservations about Celtic's desire to lure him to Glasgow. With Neil Lennon filling Keane's position in midfield, Gordon Strachan, the Celtic manager, is not desperate to add the Irishman to his squad, despite holding constructive talks with the player on Thursday. While Keane knows that he will have to accept a significant drop in the £90,000-a-week wages he was receiving at United, especially because the Old Trafford club have agreed to pay out the remainder of his contract, which had seven months to run, Celtic's offer of less than £1 million a year in salary has hardly convinced the Irishman that his presence is eagerly required in Scotland. Like Celtic, Everton have offered Keane an 18-month deal, but having initially harboured reservations about playing in the Barclays Premiership for any team other than United, the player is thought to have come round to the idea more recently. The fact that he has just bought a new house in the North West also works in Everton's favour.

The big afternoon ball game sees Celtic win by 3:2 against Hibs in the game of the season so far, John Hartson scoring twice and Shaun maloney from a free kick with the other. 'It was entertaining for people who came to watch the game, but for the coaches it will be a restless night,' said WGS. 'We conceded from a set play and I don't like losing goals from them so we have to look at that. But there was some great stuff and it was a great game as I predicted.'

In the draw for the third round of the Scottish Cup made live on BBC Scotland, Celtic are drawn away to First Division Clyde, while Second Division Peterhead will have to negotiate a tricky visit to Ibrox if they're to secure a fourth round berth.

Sunday 11th With David Murray receiving a bit of flak it's obviously time for the Laptop Loyal to come to the rescue this morning with some furiously positive spinning going on, especially in the red tops. Swoop Guidi has an exclusive on the back page of Masonsport under the banner headline 'BLAST-OFF' claiming that 'Rangers are on the trail of Bordeaux hitman jean-Claude Darcheville... nicknamed The Rocket'.

Not to be outdone in its level of sycophancy, The Screws' own ace reporter Kenny MacDonald has his own exclusive and warns us that 'Rangers will shell out big money to bring in THREE players to boost their Champions League dream next month. The stars have been on Alex McLeish's shopping list since September... David Murray said, 'We have two or three players in mind for the transfer window.' Looks like MacDonald has made his mind up for him that it's going to be three.

Murray's recent faith in his manager pays instant dividends with their first win in 11 away at Kilmarnock, a stunning triumph even though cynics - such as Kilmarnock manager Jim Jefferies speaking after the match - were quick to point out that the afternoon's officials were definitely the ones you'd send for in a Rangers crisis, John Underhill and Andy Davis: 'I am annoyed because I knew there might be something controversial when I saw who the official was. Maybe the authorities should not give people games if they've been involved with controversy with a certain club.'

Meanwhile, Setanta Sport's website reports that: 'Bryan Robson, David Moyes, Gordon Strachan and Steve McClaren will all be weeping into their Crunchy Nut cornflakes this week - for now it appears Roy Keane will seal a move to Real Madrid and leave behind the green pastures of the Premiership... a move could be completed as soon as Sunday evening.'

Monday 12th UEFA announce that they are to honour all 20 winners of the European Cup with a plaque to recognise their achievement as part of 'Champions Of Europe' season, which marks the 50th anniversary of the competition. Lisbon Lion John Clark will travel with Chief Executive Peter Lawell to pick up the award. Jock Stein will also be remembered with a special award to be presented later in the season at Celtic Park.

Tuesday 13th Today's Herald reports that: 'Roy Keane... who has been linked with a possible move to Celtic, last night appeared closer to joining Real Madrid after a Bernabeu official admitted he was on a list of possible signings... Bolton Wanderers, Everton and West Ham are also reported to want Keane...'

Wednesday 14th The day gets off to a good start with an open letter from Dermot Desmond to the fans appearing on the Association's website:

To all Celtic Fans: I gave an honest interview to the Celtic Supporters Association on 14 November 2005 without any preconditions. I referred in my interview to the unbalanced coverage that Celtic gets in certain sections of the Scottish Press; that the Scottish Press like to create trouble within Celtic; that there would be some form of distortion in the media coverage of my interview; that the papers would find something to create a division between myself and the fans. Unfortunately I was proved right. Anyone who has taken the trouble to read the interview in full will realise how my comments were taken out of context and distorted. When I have criticised the press before, they retort by saying I should engage with them and give interviews.

The unbalanced coverage of my latest interview shows that the press will print what they like, regardless of whether you provide them with material or not. I will be making complaints against individual journalists and their papers including: James Traynor, Scottish Daily Record, Gerry McNee, Scottish News of the World, Andy McInnes, Daily Star Scotland and Scottish Daily Express, Tosh McKinlay, Glasgow Evening Times Roddy Forsyth, Ireland on Sunday, Ally Guthrie, Irish Daily Star

The BBC agreed to amend its website to provide a link to the full interview, rather than just setting out some quotes. I am now going to clarify what actually was discussed during my interview. The main comment which has been latched onto by the press is that I am accused of saying that Celtic fans are ignorant. I never said that Celtic fans are ignorant per se. What I did say was that it was ignorant for the fans to say that all the problems are resolved by me putting money into the Club, that will never be the case; I said that most of the fans are not financially astute, that the fans have never looked at a balance sheet and a profit and loss statement. How you the supporters spend your money is purely your decision. In the same way that I respect your choice, supporters should respect that I have the same choice as to how I spend my money.

I note that there was no rush by the Scottish Press to publish the positive comments I made about the Celtic fans: how I said we had a good fan base and that 'My message would be to continue to be the best supporters in the world. It would be for everyone to work as a team and not to seek division or see it as them and us, we're all working together.'

I commented on seeing all the Celtic supporters in Seville and their behaviour and seeing the goodwill and the dignity in which the Celtic fans wore the green and white, and how that was a matter of pride for me and also pride in the performance of the team. As I said in my interview, I am passionate about Celtic succeeding. I said that we have looked at avenues to develop Celtic through the European Commission, into the English Premier League and we continue to do that. We are looking at all of the options for the Club, we have never stopped. I also said 'What matters to a Club in my personal view is that its traditions are maintained, that it's development is maintained, and it recognises all its constituents because constituents at a football club are the supporters, the players, the manager, staff and the directors'.

I will repeat what I said at the end of my interview: 'Everything that I have done with the Board at the Club has been to bring Celtic to the pinnacle, that's our goal. We've never compromised on our goal. Everything we do is to make Celtic independent, flourishing and the most successful football club in the world'.

Finally I would like to open a debate with you about the journalists who have consistently failed to give balanced coverage of Celtic in the media and who have sought to create divisions within the Club. Do you think they should be banned from Celtic Park? Do you think Celtic Fans should continue to buy such papers?

I would like to thank the Celtic fans who have taken the time to read the interview thoroughly and welcome your honest opinions, whether good or bad. Dermot F. Desmond 13 December 2005

Beneath the banner front page headline 'Keano Joins Celts' the Scottish Sun breaks the news that 'Celtic are set to unveil Roy keane in one of Scottish football's most sensational deals ever.'

Rivals the Daily Rectum lead their sports pages with the headline ROXY BEAR and Keith Jacksie breaks the even bigger news that 'RANGERS have turned to former Scotland boss Andy Roxburgh to help overhaul the club's failing youth policy. Record Sport can reveal UEFA bigwig Roxy jetted into Glasgow last month for a top-level meeting with director of football Martin Bain.' Roxy Bear and £10 million? Is there to be no respite for us?

Thursday 15th At the press conference to unveil our new signing, Roy Keane has spoken about his move to Paradise: 'It is a great move for me, I have taken my time but everything is now done - it is a good day. I am looking forward to the challenge... I hope the fans are happy, I know I am. I am not looking to unwind, I am here for a new challenge... I am here to win matches and trophies - there is no other reason to play.'

Chief executive Peter Lawell insisted that Roy Keane fitted within the current pay structure of the club and stated that Dermot Desmond was not paying for any of the deal out of his own pocket. 'There has been a lot written in the last few days, firstly Dermot Desmond has been a fantastic fan of this deal in terms of his support, but he will make no financial contribution to it. Roy joined for reasons other than money, he will fit within the current wage structure and that tells you about the man and his long established willingness to play for Celtic. He has signed for an 18-month period which may well be an initial period, and we are thrilled that he is here. A great player has joined a great club and we are absolutely delighted because we wanted him.'

Gordon Strachan also stated that he was fully behind the decision to sign RK: 'It has given me good competition, Roy can play many positions and we have added quality and a winning mentality. I sat down with Roy for two hours in London and he wouldnÕt be here today if he hadn't. All the rules and plans were laid in front of him. We have told each other the truth and he knows exactly what the plans are and everybody is delighted. As a player there is nothing better than having good players around you and that is what I have given this club.'

Friday 15th Oasis create a stooshie at their concert in Glasgow when they dedicate a song to Roy Keane. Liam Gallagher taunted the Rangers fans in attendance before singing 'Bring It Down', saying: 'This one's for Roy Keane'. Both Noel and Liam Gallagher are Manchester City fans and would never have dedicated a song to Keano while he was playing with Manchester United. The dedication sparked jeers from the Rangers fans in the audience, with many of them throwing plastic beer glasses in the direction of the stage. Liam Gallagher responded by saying: 'You can take it, you're grown up, aren't you?'

Villarreal president Fernando Roig said his wish had been granted after his side were drawn against Rangers in the last 16 of the Champions League on Friday. 'I always wanted us to get Glasgow Rangers,' Roig told reporters. 'I wanted us to get them because of the close relationship we've got with the Celtic fans.'

Sunday 18th With the panto season in full swing the News of the Screws gets in on the act with this headline on the front page. Alas the back page story (an exclusive by Graeme Bryce) never did reveal whether they actually caught up with dean Ashton. Too many people shouting, 'They're behind you Dean', I suspect.

Bryce's other exclusive on page 66 is that, 'Kenny Miller wants to follow Scotland legends Denis Law, Joe Jordan and Graeme Souness by starring in Serie A. And that ambition could yet wreck Alex McLeish's hopes of bringing Miller back to Ibrox for his side's Champions League clash with Villareal in February... The Ibrox club could sign Miller on a pre-contract and land him on a Bosman free this summer. But Chairman David Murray's determination to back McLeish with hard cash has led to renewed speculation that Miller is set for a speedy return in the January transfer window to boost Gers' Champions League chances.'

Tuesday 20th Alan Thompson's agent has told the BBC that he believes Celtic would consider a sensible offer for the midfielder. Tony McGill met Celtic officials on Tuesday and was assured that they are not looking to sell the player. But McGill also said that at least one English Premiership club is weighing up an offer for him: 'If a club came in with an offer, I think they would probably give it serious consideration. I've told those interested that they have to speak to Celtic and I won't be doing anything until I'm told otherwise by Celtic. We have not spoken to anyone at Derby and there are far bigger clubs than Derby interested,' he said.

Wednesday 21st Celtic have received outline planning permission to build the new training ground in Lennoxtown. Peter Lawwell said on the official website that it was, 'excellent news and a very positive step forward... we hope to make a decision within the next few months.' The council involved in awarding planning permission judged that Celtic would bring 'physical, economic and social benefits' to the Lennoxtown area.

Somebody at the Death Star has been telling porkies it appears, as recently departed George Adams blames Martin Bain for his exit from within the hallowed grounds of Murray park, as opposed to the party line about some half-arsed restructuring plan. Now more gainfully employed as Ross County's director of football, Adams told hacks: 'Saying they were restructuring things was a way for Rangers to camouflage (does that mean 'lie about'? slightly confused Ed) what really happened. There was basically a difference of opinion between Martin Bain and me. It was nothing to do with restructuring at all, no matter what they said. I'm not going to hide behind an excuse. He might, but I am a man - and a truthful one at that. Sometimes things don't work out between two people and that was the case here. I could come out and speak about it in depth but now isn't the right time.'

Thursday 22nd More good news - not that you'd have noticed if you were relying on the papers to give it any prominence - as Celtic announce on the official website that the £15m share issue has been fully subscribed. Peter Lawwell said: 'The response from investors has been outstanding and I'm delighted to say that the share issue was substantially oversubscribed. This is a measure of the faith investors and fans have shown in our strategy for the future of the club. Indeed, the demand for shares has outstripped supply ... Dermot Desmond's decision to support the offers is an indication of his strong ongoing support for the club, and he is very pleased that the share issue was so warmly received.'

Monday 26th In the Boxing Day SPL fixture - delayed by 47 minutes thanks to a power cut - Celtic introduce Roy Keane to the crowd before the kick-off then very nearly become Christmas puddings at home to Livingston. Shunsuke Nakamura gets a late winner just when it looked as if Bobo's aberration was going to gift the visitors two points. Michael McGlinchey made his competitive debut when he came on to replace Aiden McGeady in the second half.

WGS said after the game: 'We made a lot of first half chances but didn't take them and we could have had another penalty. We eventually got through but we didn't do enough at the start of the second half to put them under pressure. We allowed them back in it with a mistake and anxiety took over for 20 minutes but we're lucky to have Naka who can stay above the nervousness.'

At East End Park Dunfermline are held to a 3:3 draw by plucky cash-strapped Rangers. A hundred years of dignified silence about referees ends abruptly after the game as Alex McLeish hits out at Craig Thomson for costing his side three crucial points: 'The penalty decision at the end was obviously something I didn't think was a penalty. I have seen it on a laptop and, if it is a penalty, then I am afraid we are going to have 15 penalties a game.' Not sure if that's conjecture on the part of the Eckmeister or a direct instruction to the inmates of Lodge Park Gardens.

Wednesday 28th Czech Republic Under-21 midfielder Lubos Husek is reported in the Daily Express as claiming that a shoulder injury may have damaged his hopes of a possible move to Celtic. The Jablonec player is expected to be out until the end of January. He told the Express: 'I know of the interest from Celtic, but I don't know what will happen now I have picked up this injury. I am hoping I will get the chance to go across to Scotland at some point when I am back to full fitness.'

Federico Nieto (above) is leaving the Death Star after 'failing to win a permanent deal at Ibrox.' In other words, being shite for the last six months. 'He's had a tough time with injuries and I've not had nearly long enough to look at him,' said the Eckmeister. 'So he will go (back to Almagro) and we'll look at other players... I think we would only have been holding him back so we felt it was time to sever the connection.' Who says big Eck doesn't know a player when he sees one?

Thursday 29th Gordon Strachan tells hacks that he hopes to end speculation about Chris Sutton's future by persuading the striker to extend his contract beyond the summer: 'We're very keen that Chris remains at the club and hopefully this can be achieved. I wouldn't like to change anybody in this squad just now. I would like to add to it to make it even more competitive, that's for sure. From a playing point of view, any time he is fit, he plays. The only time he didn't play was at Inverness when he had a virus and it was his decision to be on the bench. He's a big, big player who we are keen to keep with us.'

Peter Lawwell seems to be admitting that - at least in the near future - Celtic have little chance of being accepted into the Barclays Premiership as it negotiates a new television contract. Lawwell said, 'I think that TV deal will be sorted out without Celtic and Rangers. With a 16-4 vote required, then there is no chance of us getting in. There are no concrete signs of any change.'

The Cat in the Hat is dispensing with the services of the Fox in the Box (above), despite the English hitman shooting straight to the bottom of the SPL scoring charts with 0 goals in 14 appearances. Francis Jeffers will return to Charlton Athletic after, 'failing to win a permanent move to Rangers.' In other words, being shite for six months. Jeffers' agent, Struan Marshall, told the Daily Express: 'Franny is disappointed because he didn't have the best of luck with injuries in Scotland...'

Who says the cat doesn't know a player when he sees one?

Friday 30th Didier Agathe is reportedly in talks with Middlesbrough and Leeds United and it appears increasingly likely that he'll be slinging his hook before the January transfer window slams shut. Gordon Strachan said: 'Didier has been asked to go to Leeds on loan for the rest of the season. And Middlesbrough would like to take him. They want to meet with him and work with him for a couple of days. His contract is up in the summer and it would be better for him to go and look elsewhere. I thought his injury might obstruct him, but he's got fit in the last couple of days.' Ooh, get back in the knife box!!

Meanwhile, still on the subject of transfers, Lecce midfielder Alexei Ermenko is expected at Celtic Park next week for a trial with a view to a six-month loan deal, according to Gordon Strachan: 'Ermenko has been recommended by our chief scout. I saw a fax the other day to ask if we could get something sorted, so I think Lecce have agreed to it.' Ermenko's agent is quoted in the Daily Mail as saying, 'The player has options but likes the name of Celtic and would come tomorrow if it was possible.'

Saturday 31st Martin Jol does his best to bring those horribly persistent Robbie Keane rumours to an end following his Spurs side's win against Newcastle United. He was adamant that he would not be selling: 'People in London realise that Robbie Keane would be too expensive for a Scottish club,' he said. 'Jokes aside, (was that mean to be a joke? humourless Ed) he is just as important for us as Mido and Jermain Defoe. They are all important to us.'

News from the Death Star is that Rangers will listen to offers for yet another of their summer swoops, Jose-Karl Pierre-Fanfan after he... all together now, 'Failed to win a long-term deal... etc etc'. Who says the Cat doesn't know a player etc etc.

More worrying, they look as if they could be punting Steven 'Rubbish' Thompson as well. Who will we turn to now for those priceless moments of comic relief during particularly tense derby matches?

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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