december 2004

Wednesday 1st On the eve of his side's UEFA Cup tie in Holland against AZ Alkmaar (Who they? Ed) the Eckmeister tells the Laptop Loyal that he's not worried about having to face teams parachuted into the knockout stages from the Champions League: 'Real Madrid might end up in the UEFA Cup but the way we are playing right now we would not be afraid of facing anyone.' Kenneth Perez, the AZ Alkmaar striker, has slightly less belief in the ability of Los Comicos to defeat Los Galacticos: 'Rangers as a name are a big club but in the last five years they have lost a lot of good players and the money is not what it used to be. Celtic are still the better team.'

Dermot Desmond, Celtic's major individual shareholder, is the third richest man in British football according to the football rich list, published annually by Four Four Two magazine. Only Roman Abramovich is worth more than Desmond, whose personal fortune is valued at £850 million compared to £660million in 2003. Dermot's fortune is almost double that of David Murray's, who appears at No. 12 on the list with £450million.

Thursday 2nd More speculation about John Hartson's future this morning as reports suggest that, 'Hertha Berlin are reported to be offering a two-year deal worth an incredible £1.5m a season, with the option of an extra season. Hartson, 29, is out of contract next summer, and Celtic would find that cash difficult to match.'

In Holland, the Rangers foot that was in the next round of the UEFA Cup (see Rso, Dildo. November 28th) has the door slammed on it ever so slightly as the Orcs go down 1:0. Ronaldo and Company must be really shitting themselves now with two teams in this UEFA Cup group waiting to give them a gubbing.

Saturday 4th A court in northern Portugal has placed the president of FC Porto under judicial investigation for alleged football corruption dating as far back as the UEFA Cup Final win over Celtic, possibly further. Jorge Nuno Pinto da Costa was summoned to appear before a magistrate investigating alleged attempts to influence referees. Police also detained four leading referees, as well as a player agent. The detention of the five men was part of a follow-up to the so-called 'Operation Golden Whistle' launched in April in which police arrested 16 people, including president of the Portuguese Professional Football League, Valentim Loureiro, and the head of the country's referees' council, Antonio Pinto de Sousa. Police also arrested nine lower-ranking referees as part of their sweep. The detentions were made after a 15-month investigation, involving wiretaps of telephone calls, which police said had uncovered strong indications of sports corruption and influence trafficking involving referees.

Celtic beat Hibs 2:1 at Parkhead to go back to the top of the table thanks to a brace by John Hartson.

Sunday 5th Gavin Berry's turn for the big exclusive this Sunday in Masonsport as he reveals that, 'Henrik Larsson has promised to take the entire Barcelona squad out for a slap up meal (Berry was clearly brought up reading the Beano) if they can help Celtic secure a UEFA Cup place.' Team mate Samuel Eto'o is quoted at length saying, amongst other things, 'Henrik has demanded the players give maximum effort to get the victory because his wish is for Celtic to finish in third place. Honestly, I'm astonished at his love for Celtic but I'm beginning to understand why he is an idol with their fans. We want to help Celtic. If we can get Celtic into the UEFA Cup I'll be happy.'

In the afternoon, Rangers hold Inverness Caley to a draw to end their six day reign as league leaders.

Tuesday 7th No European football after Christmas this season as the Hoops fail to find the net against Milan. Martin O'Neill is philosophical in his port-match comments: 'I'm immensely proud of my team - but if Shakhtar have taken six points from this group and beaten us they deserve to go through. Shakhtar improved their team in the summer and we have been unable to do that - and experience shows in the Champions League that money talks. We've taken five points from the group - that's not as many as the last couple of seasons but this was always an uphill task. AC Milan and Barcelona are two of the favourites to go on and lift the trophy so it was almost inevitable they would come out of the group.' Henrik saves himself the cost of a slap up feed while the Ukrainians celebrate with lashings of cake and fizzy pop.

Wednesday 8th In the wake of our untimely European exit chairman Brian Quinn makes an appearance as the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: 'The board and I are disappointed with the way it's turned out this season but you sit back and take stock. What you cannot do is spend money you don't have. We do not have a benefactor, we have shareholders and they have to be convinced the money is well spent. I think the supporters realise that.' When asked if O'Neill will be at the club next season, Quinn said: 'I very much hope so, I know nothing to the contrary. We will do everything we can to support him. We've had a setback, Martin O'Neill is a man of great resilience and resource. We'll sit back and see what can be done.'

Friday 10th Brian McBride, Managing Director of T-Mobile UK Ltd. and major sponsors of football throughout Europe, accepts an invitation today to join the Celtic PLC board as a non-Executive director. He should take up the position early in the New Year. He will have the full permission of his employers to join Celtic.

The Daily Rectum (among others) reports that: 'Hertha Berlin head the queue to secure John Hartson's services in January as the Celtic striker's contract talks at Parkhead continue to stutter. Hartson's current deal runs out in the summer, meaning he can talk to other clubs during the January transfer window. Several clubs are reported to be interested in the Welshman, but the Bundesliga side are confident that they lead the chase. General manager Dieter Hoeness told the Daily Record: 'Our scouts are watching a number of possible signings and it is correct that John Hartson is a player we are looking at. We are now closing the fishing net in more and more. We have had talks with his agent in the last week but I can't say any more than that... Let's just say that Hartson is a player we are following very closely.' Also keeping tabs on the striker is Dick Advocaat, as he looks to strengthen the Borussia Moenchengladbach side he has inherited.'

No such 'stuttering contract wrangles' at Ibrox where Jean Alain Boumsong features in the Rangers News ahead of next week's UEFA Cup tie against Auxerre: 'I am still very confident Rangers can go through... I think it would be failure if we didn't make the next round but that would not be a reason to leave... I hope to be here for a long time... If I'm happy I wouldn't want to move anywhere.'

Saturday 11th Contradicting yesterday's Daily Rectum story, John Hartson's agent denies he has held talks with Hertha Berlin: 'I have not held discussions with any clubs in Germany, nor anywhere else, regarding the future of John Hartson, other than with his current employees Celtic FC.'

In the draw for the third round of the Scottish Cup Celtic are given a bye as the Hoops are handed a home tie against Rangers, who will at least be guaranteed a big pay cheque.

Sunday 12th A classic back page from the News of the Screws this morning. As John McGarry reports that, 'Nacho Novo and Dado Prso took just four minutes to fire red-hot Rangers back to the top of the SPL yesterday', Kenny MacDonald's 'exclusive' revealed that Celtic were in 'chaos' (makes a change from crisis I guess) and had been 'left with egg on their faces... after a star player contradicted a Parkhead power broker over contract talks.' MacDonald spares us further humiliation by not revealing the identity of the 'Parkhead power broker' in question, but goes on: 'One of the top men inside paradise boasted to Sport of the World that they had opened negotiations 'at various levels' with John Hartson, Neil Lennon, Bobo Balde, Rab Douglas and Jackie McNamara over new deals. Yet just hours later one of the big five was adamant that no such discussions had taken place involving him or his agent. This latest embarrassment is the last news the Celtic fans wanted to hear at the end of a week in which they crashed out of Europe.' The blabbermouth of the big five wasn't named either, although the picture clearly hinted that it was Neil Lennon, depicted sporting a suitably raging anti-board snarl.

Continuing the 'we're so jealous of Rangers' theme, the article also went on: 'Top sources at Parkhead have been impressed at the way their biggest rivals have reduced their wage bill and brought in new faces but still remained a force at home and abroad.' Later, chaos-ridden Celtic leapfrog 'red-hot Rangers' to go back to the top of the league and await our next crisis.

Monday 13th No such financial chaos over at Mordor in the build-up to an important week in the UEFA Cup as David Murray announces his delight to the Laptop Loyal as he reveals the outcome of his rights issue which closed on Friday. Seeking to raise £57 million by asking shareholders old and new to dig deep, he announced that they had fallen just short of that figure - by around £56 million - but that he was happy to bail them out by jiggling the figures to make it look good (surely 'financing the Ibrox giants with more money out of his own pockets'? Ed) and was thrilled that a million quid had been raised from supporters other than Murray himself: 'I am delighted by this response. It was our intention to have a share issue that was open to all our shareholders and supporters. The number of existing and new shareholders that have subscribed means that we have achieved this objective. I have to say I am very pleased with the way loyal supporters of the club have dug into their own pockets, especially at Christmas time. It now means that we are in a position where we do not need to sell any of our players.'

The Scotsman reported: 'Of the £51,430,995 raised from the issue of new shares at £1 each, David Murray's company Murray MHL Limited subscribed to a total of £50,275,000. As a result of the new share issue, the Edinburgh steel magnate now controls 91.8 per cent of Rangers' issued share capital through his personal holding and those of Murray MHL Limited and Murray Sports Limited. Just over £1 million was raised from sources outwith Murray's own business concerns. Other existing shareholders contributed £848,465, while new shareholders subscribed to the tune of £307,530. Holders of the remaining 5,845,482 existing shares did not take up the rights issue.' How could they resist the temptation??

Tuesday 14th Attempts by Celtic to gain entry to the G14 group of European football clubs have been blocked by a legal wrangle which could force the organisation to disband and reform under a revised structure. Peter Lawwell, the executive director of Celtic, was quoted in August as saying both the Hoops and Rangers had received invitations to join the pressure group, which lobbies for change to benefit the superpowers of European football. It had been expected the G14, which currently contains 18 members, would ratify an expansion in its membership before the end of the year. However, that hasn't proved possible. Celtic and Rangers will now have to wait for the outcome of an investigation into how the G14 could be revamped with more flexibility. Thomas Kurth, general manager of the G14, said they were committed to improving links with Celtic and Rangers, but added that neither club will be able to gain the influence of full membership in the immediate future. 'We want to work with them, beyond the possibility of being formal members at the moment.'

More bad news for Celtic fans as the papers continue to cover the John Hartson contract saga: 'Celtic may have to fork out a whopping £5 MILLION to keep star striker John Hartson at Parkhead' (Matthew Lindsay, evening Times).

Wednesday 15th At his press conference on the eve of the Auxerre match the Eckmeister is disarmingly honest about his players' chances: 'In the past... we've not really had the tools to make an impact in Europe.' On the night, his tools are gubbed again and 'red hot Rangers' exit Europe for the second time in four months, no mean achievement considering the teams who were in their group.

Saturday 18th Front and back page exclusive in today's Daily Rectum is that despite Monday's post-rights issue promise, Jean Alain Boumsong, 'is set to quit Rangers after a bust-up with VIP fans at Ibrox.' According to scoop reporter Keith Jacksie, the big Frenchman was none too happy at being 'taunted by boozy fans in the corporate hospitality lounge after Rangers crashed out of Europe on Wednesday. His girlfriend was with him as the cruel fans told him to f*** off to Newcastle,' which is, apparently, precisely what he intends to do.

At Celtic Park the Hoops beat Dundee United 1:0 thanks to a Chris Sutton header. After the match Martin O'Neill is invited to reflect on recent events in Europe: 'If the coefficients are to improve then it's time other people did a bit more as well to help Scotland's case. Rangers were top seeds in their group and it was probably down to Celtic's efforts in the last couple of seasons that they enjoyed that ranking.'

Sunday 19th The Sunday Mail's front page splash concerns jewellery giants Faberge, who are about to produce nine of their famous jewelled eggs to be named after Jimmy Johnstone. Jinky will become only the third living person to be commemorated this way, the others being Admiral Nelson and former US President Thomas Jefferson.

Monday 20th Celtic have signed the two promising Icelandic players Kjartan Henry Finnbogason (striker) and Theodor Elmar Bjarnason (midfield) from Reykjavik, first mentioned back in September when OFM invited them to Glasgow for trials. Feyenoord were ready to rival Celtic in the deal but O'Neill has now fended off the competition to secure their signatures.

Friday 24th The PLC release a statement to the Stock Exchange announcing the appointment of Seymour Pearce Ltd as sole financial advisors and stockbrokers to Celtic. The company are headed by finance expert Keith Harris, former chairman of the football league in England, Chief Executive of HSBC Investment Bank and President of Morgan Grenfell in New York. While Harris is described as a 'finance guru' in the press and 'one of the most influential powerbrokers in football' there is no indication of the future role in Celtic's finances being envisaged for Orville.

Sunday 26th Amidst a plethora of friendly seasonal greetings from the home supporters, Celtic beat the Cousins of William 2:0 at Tynecastle. Apart from Neil Lennon, main target of the bile this afternoon is Aiden McGeady. No bigotry involved, though. Clearly it's because McGeady is, er, annoying? He certainly answered them the right way with a GIRUY goal after nine minutes. Petrov scored the other with a brilliant volley in the second half.

Monday 27th The Evening Times reports that 'Celtic have moved for 'Well ace Hammell'.

Wednesday 29th MP Denis Canavan airs his views on the recent abuse directed at Celtic's Aiden McGeady in a letter published in the Herald. It reads: Imagine the furore if English football fans were to hurl constant verbal abuse at an 18 year old black youth because he had chosen to play for Jamaica, from where his family originally hailed. The English football authorities and media would unequivocally condemn such racism and rightly so. Now substitute Scotland for England and Ireland for Jamaica in the above sentences and think of Aiden McGeady. Is it any wonder that racism and sectarianism are still alive and kicking in Scotland?

The agent of Dragan Mladenovich is in no doubt where the blame for his client's shockingly bad start to his Hunnic career lies: Rangers only have ordinary players in midfield and their first instinct is to hit the ball forward. It's like watching British football ten or fifteen years ago.'

Friday 31st John Hartson is now expected to sign a new contract to keep him at Parkhead for the next couple of years, but just in case we're tempted to relax the hacks are quick to rattle off a few more transfer stories along the lines of: 'Bolton boss Sam Allerdyce wants midfield general Neil Lennon... and is ready to swoop if the Hoops can't reach agreement on a deal to replace the contract which runs out in the summer.' (Ronnie Cully)

No such unrest at the Death Star as Boumsong takes up the invitation of some Ibrox VIPs and 'fecks off to Newcastle'.

Ian McCulloch forks out £350 on a taxi from Liverpool to Glasgow to perform a surprise Hogmanay gig for Martin O'Neill. O'Neill, lists McCulloch's songs as some of his all-time favourites and saw in the Bells at a VIP party in Merchant Square. McCulloch called out of the blue to say he was in a cab on his way north with his band and was inviting himself to the party. He is a big Liverpool fan but he also supports Celtic and couldn't resist the prospect of singing for MON on New Year's Eve.

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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