december 2003 .

Monday 1st UEFA announce that Henrik Larsson is to join such legends of the game as Alfredo di Stefano, Ferenc Puskas and Eusebio.

Wednesday 3rd Celtic stalwart of the fifties and sixties Jim Kennedy dies at the age of 69. Signed as a left back from Duntocher Hibs by Jimmy McGrory in 1955, Kennedy was hugely popular with the fans during his time at Parkhead and was capped for Scotland against Wales in 1963. He kept his place in the first team until the arrival of Jock Stein, who preferred John Clark, but said that he would 'always want to be with Celtic as long as they need me.' He left the club in 1967 and led Morton to promotion the following season. He returned to Parkhead as liaison officer with the supporters clubs and became known to another generation through his work behind the scenes at Celtic Park. The Pres, as he was known thanks to his sharing a surname with JFK, made 241 appearances in the Hoops.

Thursday 4th On the day of Celtic's trip to Firhill for the CIS Cup tie against Thistle, Martin O'Neill compares Celtic's preparations with that of Lyon prior to the forthcoming vital Champions League tie: 'Having three games to play in six days is not ideal... It's maybe not wise to have a CIS Cup match so close to a massive Champions League game. It's something we should try to make sure doesn't happen again.' The game itself is a predictable 2:0 win for a much-changed Hoops line-up. The highlights are goals by Beattie and Smith and a challenge on John Kennedy by James Grady, a tackle which resulted in Grady's tackle being exposed to an watching audience of millions on Channel 5 thanks to an unfortunate tug on his shorts. 'All I can say is it was a cold night', said crazy Celtic fan Grady, although we're not too sure what he was excusing.

Saturday 6th The two-horse 'race' for this season's SPL title nearly loses 50% of its participants. Celtic disposed of Livingston easily enough, winning 2:0 at Pleasantville, but Rangers needed the help of ref John Underhill to beat struggling Dundee United 2:1 at Ibrox. Underhill awarded the home side a dubious penalty - which Celtic's other Fifth Columnist Emerson contrived to miss - but failed to do likewise for the visitors in the second half as they pressed for an equaliser. 'It was a stonewall penalty kick,' said manager Ian McCall, 'They don't come any bigger than that.'

Sunday 7th In yet another Screws exclusive, Graham Bryce reveals that, 'Alex McLeish has beaten Martin O'Neill in the race to land Motherwell and Scotland starlet Stephen Pearson... Rangers will nip in ahead of Celtic, Everton, Aston Villa and Sunderland to seal a deal for the 21 year-old midfielder at the end of the month.'

In a strangely subdued preview of the midweek European matches, Mailsport allows big Eck to get out the crystal ball and make a prediction for Tuesday: 'We only need a draw but we don't approach games looking for a draw.'

Monday 8th Now that the bad news can no longer be hidden behind the smokescreen of a new signing for the back pages, Rangers have taken to softening up the blow for the punters by announcing pre-contract agreements with players that won't be seen in the flesh until next season. This time it's Jean Alain Boumsong, a player whose superhuman qualities will undoubtedly increase in direct proportion to the worsening situation this season. According to the rags he is worth £8 million and is about to land himself a £40,000 a week contract... Murray Park... blah blah... private jet... blah blah.

Tuesday 9th Not so much Greeks bearing gifts as Geeks giving presents away; needing only a point at home against one of the worst teams any of us have ever seen in the Champions League - and having taken the lead early in the game into the bargain -Rangers are skewered by Panathinaikos and duly collect their one-way ticket to Palookaville.

Wednesday 10th Buggeration!! To lose to a team like Lyon is no disgrace but when it happens thanks to yet another series of defensive calamities... Sysiphus had it easyby comparison. It could have been even worse had Bayern Munich not scored from the softest penalty you'll ever see that doesn't involve Rangers, not to mention a fabulous save from Oliver Kahn in the last minute. Had that gone in we'd have been stuck with the Coronation Street watchers next spring.

Thursday 11th Still pissed off. Can't face the newsfeeds.

Friday 12th The UEFA Cup draw sees Celtic facing a trip to Teplice in the Czech Republic. Not exactly a household name (unless your house happens to be situated in Teplice of course) thoughts that this is little more than a bye into the next round are tempered somewhat with the news that they have already disposed of Feyenoord and Kaiserslautern in the competition this season. First leg will be at Parkhead on Thursday February 26th with the return on March 3rd. William Hill have installed AS Roma as favourites for the UEFA this season at 9/2 with Barcelona at 11/2, Inter Milan and Valencia at 13/2, Liverpool at 8/1 and Celtic, Parma and Newcastle all on 14/1.

Martin O'Neill confirms that he has made an approach to Motherwell for Stephen Pearson. The player's agent, Willie McKay, has reportedly told hacks that Pearson could be a Celt when the transfer market reopens in January: 'Stephen has made it clear Celtic is where he wants to go. Hopefully the clubs can thrash out a fee because if that doesn't happen Stephen will sign a pre-contract agreement to go to Celtic in the summer.'

Sam Allardyce has expressed an interest in taking Johan Mjallby to Bolton for the start of next season.

Saturday 13th FIFA announce that their 2003 Fair Play Award will go to the Celtic support who did such a good PR job for the club in Seville in May. This follows a similar award from UEFA and, as Jim Divers pointed out, leaves the SFA as the only relevant official body still to formally recognise our contribution to a major sporting event last summer.

In the afternoon Celtic shrug off the Lyon blues with some difficulty before finally taking all three points against Dundee. Bobo makes some amends for his rick in France by scoring a goal with the others coming from Henke and John Kennedy. The goalkeeping position is again thrown into the spotlight as OFM drops Hedman and Rab Douglas grabs his opportunity with both hands,,, before spilling it to the feet of an onrushing Dundee player.

Sunday 14th The morning papers report Chairman Brian Quinn's Christmas message to the tiny Tims: 'As things stand anything we do in the transfer market is likely to be very modest. I'm determined not to get into the condition of other clubs, such as Leeds United, Rangers and Dundee who have lived beyond their means and are now paying the consequences.'

The afternoon live telly game is Dunfermline against Rangers. The Pars' pitch comes under heavy attack. Not from the Rangers strikers but from commentator Rob McLean, who blames the artificial grass for Rangers' hopeless performance, the hole in the ozone layer and the Wall Street Crash. Throughout the game he sounded as if he needed somebody from the Samaritans beside him rather than Derek Whyte. The match is finally settled in the dying minutes by Paolo Vanoli who controlled the ball like Meadowlark Lemon before coolly slotting it past Klos, thereby securing three points for the home side and simultaneously depriving Alan Freeland of the opportunity to deny Dunfermline a penalty.

Eight points clear and it's not new year!

Monday 15th To add to the UEFA award, football's world governing body FIFA present a Celtic supporters' representative with the Fair Play award for 2003. An article on the organisation's official website (www.fifa.com) is effusive in its praise of the Hoops fans who travelled to Andalucia for the cup final last May: 'Although football has too often in the past been beleaguered by the blight of a few ruffians who spoil the party at the expense of the real fans, the supporters of Celtic FC were a shining illustration of the meaning of Fair Play during their stay in Seville - jubilant in celebration, stalwart in support and although beaten in the score-line, utterly undefeated in spirit.''Thanks to their exploits across Europe in recent years, Celtic's travelling supporters have now become a byword for good-natured sporting friendship and unswerving devotion to their team,' said Celtic Executive Director Peter Lawwell. FIFA couldn't agree more and is proud to recognise the supporters of Celtic FC with the FIFA Fair Play Award 2003.'

Tuesday 17th Martin O'Neill and Alex McLeish join forces to launch an advertising campaign by Carling promoting sensible drinking. OFM uses a brilliantly witty football pun to get his message across: 'Try not to hit the bar too often.' Eck clearly has Fernando Erection in mind with his effort: 'If you're going to chat somebody up it helps if you can speak', although he could easily have tried, 'If you're going to let off fireworks in your front garden at three in the morning, threaten your neighbours and bounce on a trampoline with lap dancers it helps if you're bonkers.'

Wednesday 17th Having been nominated for the UEFA Team of the Year, Henke is invited to pick his own eleven. In defence he selects Toldo, Roberto Carlos, Thuram, Nesta and Maldini, which can only mean that Maurice Ross, Bob Malcolm and Paolo Vanoli must be on the bench.

Thursday 18th Despite taking the lead against Hibs in the League Cup quarter final at Easter Road thanks to a goal by Stan Varga, a much changed Celtic side end up losing a dire game by 2:1. 'I'm not going to try and tell you it didn't mean anything to us', said MON, 'Of course it did.'

Friday 19th UEFA confirm that Neil Lennon will be banned for the forthcoming two games in the Consolation Cup against Teplice following his rant directed towards Swiss referee Urs Meier at the end of the Champions League game in Lyon. Celtic are likely to appeal. UEFA are unlikely to listen.

Sky Sports, among others, reports that OFM has not ruled out Liam Miller moving to Manchester United should the player fail to agree terms with Celtic: 'We're in negotiations with Miller and his agent this minute and until they're signed and sealed anything could happen.'

Desperate for any good news to cheer up the Huns, the Glasgow Evening Times reports on its back page that Rangers 'snap up Scots superkid'. According to Matthew Lindsay the superkid in question is 'one of the English game's hottest properties.' Only snag for the denizens of the Death Star is that they'll have to wait a while to verify this as he is still starring at Under-16 level.

Saturday 20th In the SPL Rangers beat Hearts 2:1 at Ibrox. Supporters of the Cousins of William are disappointed, not least because despite chanting for the genius that is Eck to 'bring on Capucho', the Portuguese superstar is left on the bench.

Sunday 21st The back page of the Sunday Mason features a picture of Rab Douglas under the headline 'English clubs eye up big Rab'. According to Euan McLean's 'exclusive', Rab's agent Blair Morgan confirmed that he was, 'Looking for a club down south at Robert's request.' In the afternoon's live BBC game the Hoops restore the eight point gap at the top of the table with a fairly comfortable 2:0 away win at Fir Park with the goals coming from Hartson and Thompson. Star of the show was once again referee John Underhill whose 'honest mistakes' included awarding Motherwell a penalty for a perfectly good Mjallby tackle (Rab Douglas saved it) and showing Henrik Larsson the yellow card after he was scythed down in the home side's penalty area.

Tuesday 23rd The Daily Record exclusively reveals that Celtic are lining up a move for Newcastle reserve goalie Steve Harper with Magnus Hedman heading in the opposite direction as part of the deal. Hibernian midfield player Grant Brebner is quoted in the Scotsman accusing the Celtic players of bad sportsmanship by not shaking hands with their opponents after the recent League Cup match at Easter Road, although he neglects to mention that he and his team mates were busy cavorting round the pitch at the time celebrating their victory and didn't seem to be too bothered at the time.

Stilian Petrov has been voted Bulgaria's Player of the Year.

Saturday 27th The Hoops finish a calendar year unbeaten at Parkhead as Hibs are thrashed 6:0. Itmeans that in 2003 only Liverpool, Boavista and Bayern Munich avoided defeat inside Britain;s most atmospheric football stadium.

Sunday 28th Swoop Guidi's 'exclusive' this week is that Henrik Larsson will be offered a £5.5 million two year contract to play for Birmingham City at £53,000 a week. Even by Swoop's standards these numbers do have a surreal quality about them. Do you think he might be making some of this up? This follows Swoop's exclusive revelation on November 9th that Barcelona were set to swoop in January to line up the K of Ks for a move to the Nou Camp.

Wednesday 31st Martin O'Neill is to receive an OBE (to add to the MBE he was awarded in 1982) for his services to football. As revealed in a leaked memo in December, Civil Servants were so fearful of inflaming certain West of Scotland sensibilities that they were doing their best to give somebody at the Death Star a gong in order to even things up. Alas, they couldn't find anyone suitable.

Bobby Petta (who he? Ed) signs a five month loan deal with Fulham. 'Cottagers pounce for Petta' is the somewhat hysterical headline on the Sky Sports text pages.

compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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