december 2002

sunday 1st Fernando Ricksen drops another bombshell at one of his press conferences when he claims that the sectarian climate at Rangers forces players who are Catholics to deny their faith or face hostility. 'If you're really a Catholic and you feel too much about it you don't come to Rangers. You stay away. You'd better go to the other side or there will be a lot of problems for you.'

The same interview was given a slightly different spin by the Sunday Mason, which chose to highlight Ricksen's allegation that he had been receiving abusive phone calls, not from his manager but from persons undisclosed. 'Bigots taunted my son' was the Mason's headline on page 1.

Kenny MacDonald exclusively reveals in the News of the Screws that Italian Serie A club Brescia 'Have stepped up the pressure on Celtic to resolve the Stilian Petrov wrangle - by watching him in action TWICE last week.' We're not sure how many times Kenny's duff transfer stories have appeared on the back pages of this particular rag but we're almost certain it's more than TWICE.

The Sunday Mason's transfer story comes, as usual, courtesy of 'Swoop' Guidi. 'Cheapskate Italians Reggina are set to offer Celtic an insulting £1 million for Henrik Larsson when the transfer window reopens in January.' Even by Swoop's dismal standards this is a poor effort.

In the Premier League, Celtic beat Motherwell 3:1 at Celtic Park while at Tynecastle the Sons of William beat the Cousins of William 4:0 . Rangers are awarded a penalty and Hearts have a player sent off by Hugh Dallas. Shock waves around the country register 0.0 on the Richter Scale.

monday 2nd Tom Boyd is awarded an MBE by the Queen at Buckingham Palace. 'I feel a wee bit embarrassed but I'm delighted', he says.

Celtic announce that they have organised a benefit game for the Lisbon Lions on Wednesday January 22nd. Opponents will be Feyenoord; how the players of that era must enjoy recalling the 1970 European Cup Final eh?

tuesday 4th Asked by assembled hacks at his regular press conference to reply to Craig Levein's rant about the Old Firm getting all the decisions against everybody else in Scotland, Martin O'Neill responds by collapsing on the floor in a paroxysm of mirth. At least that's what he should have done. Actually, he points out one or two decisions that have gone against Celtic in recent weeks (he must have been short of time) and responds that he doesn't quite see it that way. Levein's comments, of course, concerned Hugh Dallas's handling of the previous Sunday's fixture between his team and Rangers. Quite what Celtic's part in the game's controversial decisions were is anybody's guess.

thursday 5th Martin O'Neill is handed a two match ban by UEFA as a result of being sent from the technical area by Monsieur Colombo during the Celta Vigo match. The club announce that they will appeal on OFM's behalf and will supply video evidence to support the appeal... a video of a Jacques Tati movie entitled 'Monsieur Poo Poo Goes Plop Plop', the French entry for the 1958 Golden Rose of Montreaux comedy award, in which Colombo played the part of a fire hydrant.

According to the chip wrappers, Budweiser have emerged as favourites to sponsor the Old Firm shirts next season, although the company itself refused to confirm or deny these reports.

At Easter Road, Celtic beat Hibs by 1:0 thanks to a Stilian Petrov goal. At Ibrox, Rangers beat Livingston 4:3. Livingston are reduced to ten men at the start of the second half. The shock of it!

friday 6th 'Frank McGarvey last night told Celtic they had to sell Henrik Larsson at the end of the season', according to a story in the Retard. Alas, frank seems destined to remain a voice in the wilderness as 'Celtic' (whatever it was Frank was talking to) seem almost certain to pay as much attention to Frank's words of wisdom regarding the buying and selling of players as his advice about just about everything else during the last twenty years.

saturday 7th Chris Sutton scores the quickest ever goal in an Old Firm match after 18 seconds but Celtic contrive to lose the game by 3:2.

sunday 8th The morning after and a chance for the Rangers fanzines to have a good gloat about Saturday's result. Not that they went over the top you understand. In a typically understated post-Rangers victory issue, the Sunday Mason carried articles and pictures on pages 1, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83 and 84. Alas for the Mason's sports team they were out-Blue Nosed by their counterparts at the News of the Screws. Apart from pages 84, 85, 86, 87 and 88 of the main paper, the sports supplement featured glowing tributes to their Ibrox heroes on pages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 12 and 13.

Both tabloids openly question Martin O'Neill's sanity in the wake of his interview on Radio Scotland with Charlie Mann, but in order to give the country's last remaining representative in European competition a bit of a morale boost before Thursday's game against Celta Vigo the Mason runs an exclusive by Gavin Berry on its back page: 'Cocky Celta Vigo taunted Celtic last night after the Old Firm defeat by claiming they faced more misery and a UEFA Cup exit in Spain... (continues in similar vein for a few more column inches)'

Scotland on Sunday reports on its front page that a draft policy document entitled 'Dignity at Work', soon to be released to employees of the Care Commission and the Scottish Social Service Council, reveals that staff of these Government departments face the sack if they use 'sectarian' words such as 'Tim' or 'Hun'. Reporter Jason Allerdyce believes these guidelines could soon be implemented in other areas of the public sector, such as the health service and local authorities.

tuesday 10th The club announces that it will tour the United States next pre-season and will play a series of friendlies against Barcelona, Juventus, Manchester United and America of Mexico in July and August.

wednesday 11th Blackburn Rovers have agreed to refund money to hundreds of Celtic fans who were locked out of Ewood Park before the UEFA Cup tie in November, despite the fact that they had legitimate tickets. While not accepting any blame for their stewards not being able to tell a genuine ticket from a photocopy, the English club said that they would refund the money as a gesture of goodwill in response to 'the good behaviour of the vast majority of the Celtic fans.'

thursday 12th A 2:1 defeat in Vigo but the Hoops go through to the next round on the away goals rule. It will be the first time Celtic have been involved after Christmas for 23 years.

friday 13th In the draw for the fourth round of the UEFA Cup Celtic are paired up with German Bundesliga side VfB Stuttgart, the pride of Schwabia. Winner will take on either Auxerre or Liverpool. Bookies make Celtic fifth favourites to win the cup behind Lazio, Liverpool, Porto, and Hertha Berlin.

Meanwhile, disturbing reports of Spanish cops rampaging through Vigo airport appear in the papers. Several fans, including the son of director Brian Quinn, a 14 year old schoolboy and an unfortunate fan in a wheelchair, are among the victims of the thuggery. Another startling item in the national news concerns a charter flight full of Celtic fans which landed in Cardiff after the cabin crew declared an emergency on the grounds that the passengers had started a riot. For the true story check out the posting on www.ntvcelticfanzine.com.

saturday 14th David Murray features in a Scotsman interview and expresses the opinion that 'Scottish football is bust'. Amongst the difficult questions he has to answer from reporter Iain Dey are, 'What type of car do you own? What are your hobbies? Do you read much?' Murray must have been really squirming when asked, 'Do you read much?'

In the SPL Rangers beat Dundee United at Ibrox by 3:0. Stunned disbelief is the order of the day when United have a player dismissed and Rangers are awarded a penalty.

sunday 15th Mark 'Swoop' Guidi reports in the Sunday Mason that, 'Spanish giants Real Sociedad are lining up a January swoop for Celtic defender Johan Mjallby'. Swoop has more good news for Celtic fans inside the sports section as he reveals that, 'Celtic Euro hero John Hartson is a January target for Spurs.' Curiously, despite the fact that Rangers are top of the league there appear to be no players about to be swooped on by managers of other teams.

The retirement of Hugh Dallas from the FIFA and UEFA lists on the grounds of his age is lamented in the News of the Screws by the lamentable Gerry 'Bonkers' McNee. 'Dallas can continue on the domestic scene for another five years (hurrah, string out the bunting and let's have a street party - sarcastic ed) but motivation will be difficult. Thanks for your honesty and courage Hugh, whatever you do.' Pass the sick bag Alice.

A blow for Celtic in the afternoon as Kilmarnock hold the Champions to a 1:1 draw at Rugby Park with referee Willie Young and his linesman refusing to award a perfectly good Balde effort which had crossed the goal line. Another 'Employee of the Month' award on its way to Willie no doubt

tuesday 17th Celtic announce that the club is launching an enquiry into the aftermath of the Vigo match in Spain which is to encompass allegations of police misconduct at the stadium and at the airport as well as what happened on the Astraeus flight from Santiago to Glasgow which was diverted to Cardiff.

In an effort to avoid drawing attention to themselves, the Celtic players decant to Newcastle for a quiet night out away from the glare of the tabloid spotlight...

wednesday 18th ... a move which proved to be spectacularly unsuccessful as the front page of this morning's Daily Retard loudly proclaimed that the players were 'Thugs and Thieves'. Having been followed to Newcastle by reporters and photographers from the Retard and the Sun, this pond life just happened to be in the vicinity as the players were being huckled out of a boozer for ... well, according to eye witnesses, nothing very much. A tabloid insider who does not want to be named informed NTV that the hacks had secretly been taking pictures of the players since the start of their night on the town (with cameras hidden under tables and such like) and that in the absence of anything juicy to report - and possibly in order to make the morning edition - they induced the bouncers to kick something off while they went outside to wait for the result. (Actually we made that last paragraph up just to show how easily such unsubstantiated tosh can sound almost plausible). In the ensuing fracas a Retard cameraman called Paul Chappells alleges that he was chased by some of the players and had the memory cards removed from his digital camera.

The staff at NTV Mansions are appalled at this revelation. We were hoping he would have had to have the whole camera removed from his rectum.

The other good news is that Rafael Scheidt is allegedly coming back to see out the rest of his contract with the Hoops.

thursday 19th The Celtic players return to Glasgow after their quiet night out in Newcastle minus Valgaeren, Petta and Mjallby, who were detained by the local constabulary and given free accommodation for the night. All three are released on bail. Retard editor Peter Cox appears in print and on television to allege that, 'The Celtic players were obviously extremely drunk and there was a significant degree of thuggery shown. Our photographer did what he was supposed to do. He started taking photographs. He estimates that nine Celtic players chased him. He says that five or six caught up with him. They beat him, they smashed his cameras and stole the memory cards.' The Retard's excuse for a photographer being there in the first place is that he thought the Rangers players would be in Newcastle as well and was following the Celtic squad in the hopes that they might meet up and he would be able to get a picture which the Retard might use to promote its anti-sectarian message. Well, we believe it. We also believe the world is flat, babies are delivered by storks and the Daily Retard is a quality newspaper.

Meanwhile, Rodger Baillie drops another bombshell in the Sun. Under the headline 'Lennon Facing The Axe', he reports that, 'Neil Lennon could have kicked his last ball for Celtic. Boss Martin O'Neill is conducting a probe after four (sic) Parkhead stars were arrested during their Christmas party night out in Newcastle.'

friday 20th Martin O'Neill receives the Bank of Scotland Premierleague award as manager of the Month for November while Henrik Larsson gets the Player of the Month award.

At his Friday press conference OFM makes it clear where he stands with regard to Toongate. 'I've asked the players about what is a very serious allegation made by the Daily Record. This is an alleged robbery, an alleged beating up of a cameraman and obviously it is under police investigation. The players concerned have told me they are innocent of the charges made against them and I believe them. These three players have been named beside a headline 'Thugs and Thieves'. You can't get more serious than that.' Stopping Bob Cratchett from putting any more coal on the fire and pushing Tiny Tim out of the way, O'Neill also announces that, 'There will not be a Christmas party again as long as I'm at this club.' (Insert your own 'next year' gag here).

According to Martin Hardie in the Scotsman, 'Hibs manager Bobby Williamson refused to comment on claims he is ready to swoop for Simon Donnelly' (who he? ed).

Lorenzo Amoruso's agent claims he is wanted by clubs in his homeland, including Brescia. He has also been linked in the papers with interest from Fulham and Newcastle United.

saturday 21st Celtic beat Dundee by 2:0 at Celtic Park thanks to goals by John Hartson and Henrik Larsson. Dundee squander the chance to open the scoring when they are awarded a penalty only for Novo and Caballero to have a fight over who was to take it. Caballero won, missed and Novo went home to tell his mammy.

sunday 22nd The Sunday Herald sports section features a lengthy interview with Celtic's Brazillian legend Rafael Scheidt. 'I want this year to be known as the Scheidt year', he says, 'Those who doubted my ability are talking Rafael' (surely 'rubbish'? ed).

Continuing the Brazillian theme, in a Natasha Woods 'exclusive', World Cup winner Kleberson reveals he is considering a move to Glasgow when the transfer window opens. 'Celtic's interest is very concrete', he says, 'I can only say that I am deeply honoured that Celtic are interested in me because they are a club with a great history and, I hope, an even greater future.'

In the News of the Screws, Kenny MacDonald awards the credit for Celtic's UEFA Cup victories over Blackburn and Celta Vigo where it's due... to Rangers. 'The experience of playing in the electric atmosphere of an Old Firm clash with its crunching challenges meant the visits to Vigo and Blackburn were child's play.'

Just when it looked as if Rangers are about to drop another two points referee John Underhill comes to the rescue with a ridiculous red card shown to Gerry Britton. Immediately the cudgels are taken up on behalf of Britton, although the hacks are strangely silent on Kevin Muscat's Academy Award winning performance as he goes down like a wounded elk having brushed against the Thistle player's hand.

thursday 26th In the morning editions, Fernando Ricksen springs to the defence of Scottish referees. 'They have to make a decision within a second and sometimes it's the right decision and sometimes it's the wrong decision.' He forgot to add that usually it's the right decision as far as Rangers are concerned.

Celtic beat Hearts 4:2 at Parkhead. Motherwell complete an Old Firm double by beating Rangers 1:0 at Fir Park thanks to a goal by James McFadden. Fernando's heartfelt plea on behalf of the MIBs pays off as Willie Young chooses to ignore his attempted kung fu throat-high kick on a Motherwell player which would undoubtedly have had a player of any other team getting first use of the rubber duck.

friday 27th Despite everything that's happened this season The cat In The Hat has the audacity to lambast Willie Young for his performance at Fir Park. Ignoring the three red card offences against his own team which were blithely ignored by the podgy whistler, the Eckstraterrestrial instead claims that Motherwell's goal should have been disallowed for a foul on Amoruso. 'It's the same referee who manufactured a penalty against us at Fir Park last season,' said McLeish, without a hint of irony.

sunday 29th Under the banner headline 'Skint!' Graeme Bryce reveals in the News of the Screws that Kleberson won't be coming to Parkhead because 'martin O'Neill has admitted he doesn't have the dosh.'

In a lame week for exclusives, Euan McLean also reports in the Sunday Mason that 'Skint O'Neill Will Target Loan Deals' because, 'He can't afford to buy players for Celtic when the transfer window opens on Wednesday... his only option is to scrape around for loan deals.'

In the afternoon, a tough match against Dunfermline is decided by the regulation goal from Henke and the three points stay at Celtic Park.

Rangers beat Kilmarnock by the same scoreline at Rugby Park.

tuesday 31st At last a Scottish referee admits a blunder in a match involving Celtic. As reported by Hugh 'Bonkers' Keevins in the Daily retard under the headline 'Ref Owns Up To Celtic Park Blunder', 'Under fire ref Stuart Dougal admitted he had made a mistake by denying Dunfermline a goalscoring chance against Celtic on Sunday ... Jimmy Calderwood accused the referee of opting out of taking a major decision in front of 56,000 Celtic supporters. But now it appears Dougal only realised after the match that he had been deceived by his own eyes.' We can only imagine what Bonkers' column might have been like if Dougal had disallowed a Dunfermline goal, especially one which were the ball was clearly over the line.

January wednesday 1st Martin OÕNeill drops another hint about when the saga over his future might be resolved. thursday 2nd Celtic open the scoring at Pittodrie thanks to Henrik Larsson but when the Swede has to go off as a result thing go distinctly pear-shaped. Two points dropped as we go into the winter break. saturday 4th The draw for the Scottish Cup made live on telly by Hugh Dallas, Jack McGinn and young actor Martin Compston (the latter undoubtedly saving many a TV set in Celtic households all over the country from having a half brick lobbed through the cathode ray tube) sees Celtic at home to St.Mirren and Rangers having to travel to Gayfield in January to play Arbroath. CanÕt wait. sunday 5th Old habits die hard at the piss poor Sunday Mirror. The obligatory Martin OÕNeill story (ÒLiverpool have targeted MON to replace Gerard Houlier... the Anfield board will move for OÕNeill when the his contract expires this summerÓ - Ian Broadley) shares the back page with some wishful thinking about Rangers: ÒGers Swoop For Murray - Alex McLeish is planning to raid his former club Hibs and snatch Scotland star Ian MurrayÓ, writes Ray Hepburn. ÒHibs are desperate to hang on to midfielder Murray... but the Edinburgh club are heavily in debt and may find RangersÕ offer too tempting to refuse.Ó Love that bit about the debt donÕt you? monday 6th Robert Grieve in this morningÕs Sun exposes an evil Celtic plot to nobble the St. Mirren players the last time the two sides met at Celtic Park. In a scandal worthy of anything that beset Serie A in the 70s, Robert Grieve revealed that, ÒCeltic tried to stuff St. Mirren by tempting them with a huge tray of pies the last time the two clubs met at Parkhead. Former Buddies boss Tom Hendrie had to tell his players not to touch the stodgy snacks before throwing them straight in the bin.Ó Curses, foiled (geddit?) again! Never mind, we still won the league without having to resort to the old poisoned pie trick, nor indeed the naked nubiles on the touchline distracting the hapless Paisley players. Tosh McKinlay, acting as consultant for FC BaselÕs Turkish playmaker Hakan Yakin, says the player will be on the move before the transfer window closes and reveals that Celtic are one of the clubs interested in signing him, although ÒThere has been no official approach.Ó Celtic and Rangers announce a new sponsorship deal with brewing company Carling which will come into effect as soon as the current deal with ntl expires next season. At a reported £12 million between them over the next three years the deal is basically the same as the ntl sponsorship although there are bonus incentives which were not revealed at the press conference. tuesday 7th Colin Duncan in the Daily Retard reports that an Irish bookmaker has cut the odds on Martin OÕNeill being manager of an English Premiership club by the end of 2003 from 4-1 to 2-1. The transfer window silly season gets into full swing with reports that Rangers are linked with a Òshock loan moveÓ for Arsenal reserve Francis Jeffers. Hacks are at pains to point out that Jeffers is worth £8 million. ÒAs far as the cash-strapped Ibrox club is concerned it might as well be £80 million. TheyÕre rooked and they canÕt afford to buy anybodyÓ, said a spokesman from Not The View who did not want to be named. .

 

 

back to top