August 2004

Sunday 1st Rangers' pre-season 'friendly' against Newcastle on Saturday certainly generated some good publicity for the cash-strapped Kinning Park giants, among which are 'Filth' (Sunday Mail) and 'Morons' (News of the Screws), both references to Sir Bobby Robson's post-match comments slating the visiting Orcs for rounding on Alan shearer following recent press speculation that he could be a target for Celtic: 'Alan Shearer does not have to play in that environment so I got him out of that muck.'

The Eckmeister confirms one of the worst kept secrets in Scottish football as he confirms that Michael Ball is being offloaded as part of this summer's car boot sale because rooked Rangers can't afford to pay Everton £500,000 should he play a few more first team games.

In the Sunday Herald, Frank Gilfeather gets to exclusively reveal some of the contents of an exclusive interview with Dermot Desmond exclusively exclusivised by Celtic TV in which the exclusive (surely reclusive? Ed) millionaire majority shareholder waxes lyrical in his praise of Martin O'Neill and says that, 'We should be celebrating that he's still with us this year and that the Chelseas, Liverpools and Spurs have been foolish in not trying for him, maybe they did try for him but I'd like to think Martin would say his love for Celtic is greater than all those clubs and that Celtic is bigger than all of them.'

Monday 2nd Celtic have been guaranteed an invitation to next season's Champions World Series in the States as the stats show that we are second only to Manchester United in terms of combined attendance figures. Announcing the news, Champions World official spokesman Jim Stecker said, 'When you see everyone wearing the hoops and hear their fans in full cry it is a great experience... Over their four games it's hard to argue with Celtic's fanbase. It's enormous.'

Wednesday 4th This year's glamour pre-season friendly spectaculars kick-off with Newcastle at home. So enamoured are the fans at the prospect of paying upwards of eighteen quid on top of a season ticket (not to mention £81 for a Champs League package) that only the lower tier of the stadium is opened to cope with 'demand'. Celtic come from behind to win 2:1, debut bhoy Camara scoring the winner with a deflected effort in the last minute.

Thursday 5th Results of a survey published today by BBC Scotland show that the only SPL club to have sold more season tickets this summer than last are Hibernian. Proof that masochism is rife in Edinburgh is demonstrated by the fact that 600 more people want to go to Easter Road to watch their football than the 5,900 who signed up for their punishment this time last year. Most other SPL clubs have suffered a drop in sales of around ten percent, although at Kilmarnock and Inverness the figure is more like 30%. Celtic's season ticket sales remained the same because there is a waiting list of some 11,000.

Real Marquis de Sades could, of course, always snap up a season book at the Death Star where sales are down around 3,500 on last time.

Friday 6th Neil Lennon has accepted a public apology as well as substantial damages from the Daily Record as a result of suggestions in the paper that the player pursued and robbed one of their photographers of £12,000 worth of camera equipment. Patrick Swaffer, speaking for the Record, said the paper accepted the allegations were 'without foundation' and offered 'sincere and unreserved apologies', although he also claimed that the Record had 'never intended to make the suggestion about the player.' It must have just slipped out.

Saturday 7th Speculation mounts that Celtic are about to part company with kit manufacturers Umbro as the club launch a new version of the hoops for this season, even though its last incarnation only appeared in the shops just prior to the UEFA Cup final in May 2003. Despite suggestions that Umbro are making sure they get one last payday before severing links with Parkhead, the board were insisting that the strip was being launched because 'the demand was there.'

A new league season kicks off in the afternoon with plucky cash-strapped Rangers holding Aberdeen to a 0:0 draw at Pittodrie. Fears are expressed over the health of wee Burkey after he faints on the pitch and has to be carried off on a stretcher. Initially the heat is blamed (in Aberdeen??) but further investigations reveal that the cause was Burke receiving a pass from Maurice Ross which went straight to his feet.

Sunday 8th Back in the old routine at Celtic Park as the league flag is unfurled before Motherwell are summarily despatched by 2:0 thanks to goals by Sutton and (somewhat less routinely) Jackie McNamara.

Tuesday 10th Not quite a pre-season friendly, since the season started on Sunday, but a friendly nonetheless, this time against Spurs and this time on the season book, which may have ensured a larger crowd, but with nary a first team player on either side those who did attend were left pondering the point of the whole exercise. Beattie and Camara secured a 2:0 win in a turgid match. A glimmer of interest was added in the shape of French trialist Charles Edouard Coridon, who resembled a cross between Christian Karembou and Lenny Kravitz. Unfortunately he played football too much like the latter to suggest anything other than that his Celtic career will amount to a quiz trivia question some time in the future.

The Celtic match is played just a couple of hours after Rangers' Champions League qualifier in Moscow. The Huns lose 2:1 but still manage to generate more great publicity for themselves as they pick up a hefty fine from UEFA for having five players yellow carded and find Alex Rae the subject of an enquiry by the game's governing body following his impromptu near-decapitation of a Russian opponent who had the misfortune to fall over and find his head in the vicinity of the ball.

Friday 13th Rangers announce that they have signed up Andy Cameron as match day announcer and part-time cheerleader. It brings the number of comedians signed by Alex McLeish this summer to seven.

Saturday 14th In the SPL, Celtic come from behind twice to beat Kilmarnock at Rugby Park while Rangers pull off another giant killing act by beating Livingston, a team who won more trophies than the cash-strapped Kinning Park giants last season.

Sunday 15th Front page giant headline in the Sunday Mail is 'Celts star fights malaria' and Billy Paterson leads his exclusive with, 'Celtic giant Bobo Balde is battling malaria.' The phone-ins will doubtless be jammed with half-witted Huns calling for him to be banned for violent conduct.

The Screws leads its back page with John Hartson's plea to Martin O'Neill to sign him on a new four year contract while inside Kenny McDonald reveals that Dado Rso 'will beg national team docs to excuse him from international duty.' Give it a couple of months and he'll be begging them to give him a game.

Monday 16th Despite previous reports to the contrary the papers are awash with stories about the imminent arrival of Juninho.

The Suits announce the latest set of financial figures. The numbers show that Celtic's debt has been reduced by £2m to £15.8 million while turnover has reached a record £69.2 million. Despite this, a pre-tax loss was posted of some £7.5 million, due mainly increased operating costs. Chairman Brian Quinn appeared to be happy enough: 'Celtic has worked hard to remain on course to achieve a sustainable balance between football progress and financial stability.'

After careful study of TV pictures, Alex Rae is handed a five match European ban for 'gross unsporting misconduct' by UEFA officials following his drop kick on the CSKA player's noggin in Moscow. If they think he was bad there just wait until they watch the video of the next Old Firm game!

Tuesday 17th Rather than take their punishment and maintain a dignified silence on an already embarrassing matter, Rangers have decided to appeal the Alex Rae decision, although they will not let the player himself appear before UEFA beaks in person, possibly fearing that his robber's dog physiognomy might well result in a lengthier ban, not to mention a custodial sentence.

Wednesday 18th Juninho appears at Celtic Park for a medical and signing talks, eventually emerging from the Walfrid in the evening. Speeding away, his reply to questions about whether he has put pen to paper is, 'Not yet, but nearly.'

David Marshall plays the full game and Stephen Pearson makes an appearance from the bench for Scotland as they are given a 3:0 doing by some less than mighty Magyars at hampden Park.

Stilian Petrov captains Bulgaria in their 1:1 draw at Lansdowne Road while BBJ scores in Wales' 2:0 victory over Latvia.

Thursday 19th Hack apologists for Alex Rae who have been taking the line that the whole incident was nothing but a harmless playful boot to the guy's brain area and, after all, he wasn't really hurt anyway, are given some seething rebuttal from the innocent party in the whole affair, CSKA's Moldovan star Dadu: 'I felt terrible pain when I was kicked by Rae. Football is a game for men but you can't turn the pitch into a boxing ring. Brutality should always be punished. A five game ban is right.'

Marcio 'The Arcio' Amoroso has joined Malaga in La Liga. Does this mean his move to Celtic is off?

The bad news is that Maurice Ross has been allowed to go on trial at West Ham with a view to securing a year's loan at Upton Park.

Friday 20th Panic over, Maurice is back!

Saturday 20th Having vowed not to sign any more ageing veterans intent on topping up their pension plans before retiring, Rangers announce that they are to offer a trial to Richard Witschge, set to turn a sprightly 35 next month. They have also signed a 17 year-old from Queens Park who is unusual in that the Huns did not beat Real Madrid or AC Milan for his signature. 'A few teams wanted me on trial, such as Dundee United and Aberdeen...'

Sunday 22nd According to the Scotland on Sunday, 'Graeme Souness is attempting to pinch Lens midfielder Charles Edouard Coridon from under the nose of Martin O'Neill. The stylish (it says here) 31 year-old Frenchman has taken up an offer from Blackburn Rovers for trials at Ewood Park next week.'

Celtic go back to the top of the table with a 3:1 victory over ten man Inverness at Pittodrie. The red card incident provokes a mild furore as Neil Lennon is accused of feigning injury to get his opponent sent off.

Monday 23rd Thankfully Lennongate will have to be postponed for a while as the SFA announce there will be no stewards enquiry/ trial by video evidence/ arraignment before the Committee of Public Safety to investigate the Celtic midfielder's part in Sunday's incident. Expect meltdown on phone-ins from irate Huns.

As expected - at least by most sentient beings with an iota of common sense - Alex Rae loses his appeal against the five match European ban handed down by UEFA beaks.

Tuesday 24th The Herald reports that the Celtic board look likely to block a resolution from the Celtic trust at the AGM on October 13th calling for the introduction of a scheme to enable shareholders to reinvest dividends in the club in exchange for more shares. A spokesperson for the Trust is quoted in the article as saying that the organisation is frustrated by the lack of money spent on the team in recent seasons and that they believe a dividend reinvestment programme could provide a valuable revenue stream: 'It is unclear to us why Celtic would have problems with this. All we have asked is for the board to investigate different types of schemes, consult with the different representative bodies, including ourselves, and come back and propose what they want to do... We don't take the view that Celtic is a badly-run club. What we do think is that there is a mismatch between their approach to risk and our ambitions in terms of where the club is going to go. We are not asking for the club to spend tens of millions and end up back where we were a decade ago. But where else is the money going to come from? Other revenue streams are starting to mature and there is no imminent sign of moving to another league. We need to go further in the Champions League and we are not going to do that unless investment is made in the squad. What we are saying is we are prepared to put the money in and we want it spent on players.'

A football analyst with PriceWaterhouse Coopers is also quoted, speculating that the possibility of Celtic's powerbrokers losing some control as more shares were issued could be the reason for the board's opposition. He said: 'This [dividend re-investment] is not something I am aware of being in place within football, but it happens in wider business. It is hard to read, but Celtic's opposition may be down to the fact that, if you have this happening year-in, year-out, your control of the business could be diluted.'

Bobby Petta's latest escape tunnel surfaces somewhere near Elland Road as our mercurial wing wizard heads off on another loan deal. Dundee United and Dunfermline are also reputedly interested in taking David Fernandez on loan for a season.

Big Rangers transfer story today concerns Moroccan midfielder Mustapha Hadji. Having heard that there was a vacancy in the 'ageing has-been trialist' department at Murray Park following the departure of Richard Witschge on the SAGA Tours coach, he impressed so much in a bounce game against mighty Ayr United that the Eckmeister is apparently thinking of giving him the chance to line up with his fellow Mustaphas in the Rangers midfield: Mustapha Kickatye, Mustapha Screwloose and Mustapha Contract. 'The funds McLeish requires will only be released by the Rangers board should he and his players overturn CSKA Moscow's 2:1 lead at Ibrox tomorrow night,' Should be a formality then, shouldn't it?

Wednesday 25th The transfer of Brazilian World Cup winner Juninho from Wearside to Celtic Park is finalised at last and the player is paraded in front of the cameras taunting woebegone huns with his new Parkhead squad number. 'Celtic have got bigger and bigger in European competition', he told the assembled hacks, 'and I just want to be part of that progress from now on.'

As part of the build-up to the big Champions League qualifier, Dado Rso attempts to rally the Orcs to the cause by exhorting them to crank up the volume inside the Death Star; 'They will be like an extra man (what, another maurice Ross??). I have never seen supporters like them...' Couldn't argue with that last bit could you?

Neutrals tuning in to support CSKA are treated to what must surely be STV's entry for the Golden Rose of Montreaux Comedy Festival. Going behind to a goal by the unlikey named Vagner Love, the tactical genius that is big Eck has his players resort to lobbing howitzers into the Russian penalty area before finally playing his joker by bringing on the hapless Marvin Andrews to play as a striker. Convulsed in paroxysms of laughter the Russians concede a late equaliser but the upshot is that CSKA become the lowest seeds ever to qualify for the group stage and in the process net Celtic a cool two million quid.

Thursday 26th With the teams who will compete for this season's Champions League trophy now decided we await Friday's draw with interest. We'll take anybody except...

Friday 27th ... Barcelona! The return of the Magnificent 7 along with group makeweights Donetsk and minnows AC Milan. Have a heart guv!

A late bid to strengthen the squad in the wake of the draw comes to nothing as Barca's Saviola chooses to go to Monaco rather than spend the winter at Parkhead. What's the big attraction there? I hope he gets pestered by local shell-suited neds offering to watch his yacht. That'll teach him.

Despite his hiatus in midweek it's good to see that the Eckmeister isn't letting the pressure get to him. Asked by Scotland on Sunday's Andrew Smith what he thought the consequences might be for him personally should Rangers lose the coming Old Firm game, the flame haired maestro stormed off in a big huff bringing the press conference to an abrupt close, pausing only to round on the ex-Celtic View editor by pointing at him and shouting, 'There's more chance of you losing your job than me', before slamming the door. Ooh, Mr. Grumpy Gills.

Later, Rangers announce to the Stock Exchange that David Murray has bought another 12 million shares in the club at 75p each, having 'snapped up' (it says here) the entire shareholding of the ENIC Group, who bought them for around 340 million in the late 90s. Murray now owns 86.3% of a company whose market value currently stands at £43.8 million, compared with £238 million in the summer of 2000. Commenting on the deal, a leading financial expert from Stirling University told reporters, 'ENIC... has realised Scottish football, and Rangers in particular, are not in a very healthy state and have taken the best deal available. Murray has managed to acquire more shares at a very cheap price and has signalled he is here for the long haul. Then again, there are not many who would want to buy shares in Rangers given their current financial state.'

ENIC have attempted to spare their blushes by negotiating some clauses in the deal: they will receive 'contingency payments' should Rangers ever float on the stock market at a price higher than 75p per share, they will get upwards of £6 million should the Huns ever get to join the Premiership and, most intriguing, they get payments of up to £6.25 million if Rangers qualify for future Champions Leagues. With a mere £8 million or so to be earned in the CL it hardly seems worth the effort does it?

Sunday 29th The morning tabloids both have some Celtic transfer kite-flying: Scott McDermott in Masonsport informs us that, 'Celtic are desperate to sign Livingston full-back David McNamee before the transfer window on Tuesday' while Ray Ryan in the News of the Screws reveals that, 'Newcastle have made a £5 million bid to sign Bobo Balde as a replacement for Jonathan Woodgate.'

Back at Masonsport, Swoop Guidi reports that, 'premiership giants Newcastle and Chelsea are locked in a £4 million battle to land Jean Alain Boumsong before Tuesday's transfer deadline.

Elsewhere in today's Masonsport, Gordon Waddell attempts to take some of the heat out of the much-hyped forthcoming confrontation between resident Rangers psycho Alex Rae and our own Neil Lennon with a two page spread under the banner headline 'Midfield Minefield': 'It's the irresistible force against the immovable object - Alex Rae versus Neil Lennon. And something has to give.' In the event it's poor Alex Rae's creaky old knees as his first confrontation of the afternoon with the immovable object sees the irresistible force hirpling about for the rest of the match and subsequently ruled out of action for six weeks.

Celtic go on to record a seventh Old Firm victory in a row - unprecedented in the history of this fixture - thanks to a wonder goal by Allan Thompson just as the Orcs were preparing to celebrate escaping with a point. It leaves the Hoops five points clear at the top of the SPL table after three games.

Immediately after the game Rangers announce they are having signing talks with ex-basel midfielder Hakan Yakin, an announcement in no way calculated to take the bad look off the result.

Monday 30th Hakan Yakin is dropped like a hot fondue skewer as soon as money is mentioned, or, as death Star Director Martin Bain more euphemistically put it, 'After various discussions the parties involved have been unable to reach agreement and, as a result, this matter will proceed no further.'

Tuesday 31st The long-awaited Transfer Deadline Day comes and goes. The papers are punting Sunderland's Julio Arca and Stephen Hammell of Motherwell as last-minute signings, but despite a flurry of late-night activity involving Marcel Desailly and Dwight Yorke, who flew up to Parkhead then promptly departed again just in time to catch the night clubs opening in Birmingham, no business is completed by Martin O'Neill, who will now have to take on the Champions League with the players already at his disposal.

EL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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