august 2003

saturday 2nd The operation to separate Simon Donnelly and Phil O'Donnell looks to have been a complete success as Sid - striking out on a solo career - signs for Billy Stark's St. Johnstone.

The Times of Oman splashes the somewhat flattering headline 'Celtic held by Arsenal' as the Hoops draw 1:1 in a routine pre-season friendly with the Arse. The goal is a well taken effort by Liam Miller, of whom much is expected, both by the Republic and his manager.

At least it wasn't an embarrassing 3:0 defeat.

sunday 3rd Another Swoop Guidi swooping manager story appears on the back page of the Sunday Mail as Souness, we are reliably informed, "will tempt Celts with a £2.5 million offer for Alan Thompson."

monday 4th In an interview for Radio 5, billionaire Celtic director Dermot Desmond chooses the post-Arsenal Monday to launch a broadside against what he describes as a cartel of broadcasters and administrators whom he sees as thwarting competition both north and south of the border and says he is considering legal action to change the way football's television rights are currently sold. He also restated his view that he is keen to see Celtic (and Rangers) playing in the English Premiership. "We've carried out surveys and reviews", he says, "and neutral people want to see Celtic and Rangers in the Premier League. They would bring excess of £100 million a year to the Premiership. I think football would be better in Scotland and better in the Premiership."

tuesday 5th Responding to suggestions that Chris Sutton will not be made welcome by Dunfermline should he choose to watch the game on Saturday from the stand while he is suspended, Martin O'Neill has some advice of his own for John Yorkston: "John Yorkston has absolutely no right whatsoever to dictate to us what we should or should not do with our players. Whether Chris Sutton goes to Dunfermline or not is none of John Yorkston's business. Will the same situation still apply if Chris Sutton is eligible to play, as he will be the next time we go to Dunfermline?"

wednesday 6th Celtic fail to get out of second gear in the return against Kaunas. Billy Connolly presented a cheque to the family of Audrius Slekys at half-time but there were precious few moments to savour on the pitch. An own goal by Darius Guildys decided the result.

thursday 7th Is Colin Healy's transfer to Sunderland the longest running saga in the history of football? Now the Wearsiders have pulled out of the deal because Celtic have asked for £150,000 they claim they are due for the part the club has played in Healy's... ahem... 'development' as a footballer over the last few years.

friday 8th On the eve of a potentially volatile fixture at East End Park, Dunfermline captain Scott Thomson addresses the hacks at a press conference and in his best Henry Kissinger manner attempts to play down the Chris Sutton situation: "As far as I know the players here will never forgive Sutton. I certainly wouldn't and I wasn't even playing that day at Ibrox", said the Pars' skipper, neglecting to mention that neither were several of his team mates who were on the pitch that afternoon.

saturday 9th Just to show that it's not just Chris Sutton who isn't welcome in Dunfermline, Hoops fans who bought the match programme were treated to an article which asked why the "Celtic supporters couldn't be ripped up like the pitch at East End Park."

The latest episode of Par Wars began with a pre-match warning in the dressing for the Celtic players from the local plod (which must have really helped their preparation for the game). The local welcoming committee reconvened in the car park after the match and proceeded to launch a few souvenirs from Fife in the direction of their visitors.

The game itself finishes in a draw, the first time Celtic have failed to score in a league game for 21 months. Still, it shows Dunfermline can get a result against the Old Firm if they try really, really hard.

sunday 10th In an exclusive for the Screws Graeme Bryce has some good news for those Celts desperate to see some new signings: "Martin O'Neill is ready to splash the cash in the next 72 hours to transform Celtic from UEFA Cup finalists into Champions League material." Can't wait until Wednesday.

tuesday 12th Reports claim that live TV coverage of SPL matches is about to return to Sky TV in a £60 million deal when the current contract with the BBC runs out at the end of the season.

wednesday 13th In the Champions League third qualifying round Celtic come home with another excellent away victory, easily disposing of MTK Hungaria by 4:0 in Budapest. The King of Kings achieves another milestone as he takes over from Ian Rush and Peter Lorimer as the highest scorer in Europe for a British club. The only threat to Celtic's progress comes in the shape of a dodgy water sprinkler which appeared to take on a life of its own in the second half with the score at 2:0.

Not quite so cut and dried in the other qualifying tie at Ibrox as the home side can only manage a 1:1 draw against FC Copenhagen. At the end of the match Max von Sydow performs a simultaneous exorcism on 45,000 Rangers supporters. At least that's what it sounded like on the radio.

thursday 14th The Celtic board announce that the club has reported a loss of £5.7 million for the last financial year - a slight increase on the previous year - despite last season's European run and a higher level of turnover and ticket sales. Confused? See Barrow Bhoy's article.

Planet Football reports that Celtic have taken a 15 year-old Finish whizz-kid by the name of Nicolas Kivisto on trial.

In a completely non-cynical press release from Ibrox which is in no way designed to deflect attention away from the previous night's bad result in Europe, David Murray announces that Rangers have fended off interest from Blackburn Rovers in star man Barry Ferguson. "He's not for sale at any price."

friday 15th The nation is rocked by the revelation that Barry Ferguson wants to leave the Death Star. The reason cited for his imminent departure is that he has become fed up with Scottish football. Flags are flown at half-mast and sombre martial music is broadcast throughout the nation.

saturday 16th In the SPL Celtic get the shooting boots back on to thrash Dundee United 5:0 at Parkhead. The Huns win 3:2 at Pittodrie. The game is overshadowed by the usual controversy. This time a nutter on the pitch aims a kung fu kick at one of the players, although it must be pointed out that it Fernando Ricksen was on the receiving end this time instead being the Bruce Lee impersonator.

tuesday 19th Prior to the Republic of Ireland's friendly against Australia the Irish FA have warned fans not to boo Kevin Muscat. FAI executive Fran Rooney says, "We've had a warning from FIFA, a yellow card. This goes beyond racism and into bigotry and it's not acceptable."

Celtic sack physiotherapist Brian Scott ending a 24 year association between the two.

wednesday 20th Rab Douglas and Paul Lambert turn out for Scotland in a stultifying 0:0 draw against Norway. Shaun Maloney was called up for the squad but failed to come off the bench.

thursday 21st The legend that is James McGrory is named in a list of the world's top ten goalscorers of all time announced by the International Federation of Football History and Statistics. 410 goals in 408 games speaks for itself.

saturday 23rd Celtic edge the three points at Firhill in a dire match shown live on the Beeb, finally beating Thistle 2:1. 'The second half was a struggle. I spoke to Gerry Collins before the match and he said he a surprise in store,' said Martin O'Neill after the match, an obvious reference to his Maryhill counterpart's buttonhole flower which, when examined at close quarters skooshes water out.

sunday 24th The Sunday Herald's eleven week poll finishes with the paper announcing that Jock Stein has emerged as the Greatest Scottish Football Manager of All Time, just ahead of runner-up Alex Ferguson. Commenting on the final result, Herald journalist Michael Grant wrote: 'Stein's eventual victory suggests that supporters in this country regard turning a Scottish club into the champions of Europe to be the pinnacle of our managerial achievement. I argued the case for Ferguson in these pages on August 3 but no-one could get too worked up about the honour going to Stein given the astonishing contribution he made to our game and the legacy he left Celtic. This poll has provided confirmation, though none was required, of the special affection felt towards a man whose life was taken while serving Scotland 18 years ago. Stein's name reverberates as powerfully today as it did that dreadful September night in Cardiff in 1985 when he died after Scotland played Wales in a World Cup qualifier.'

tuesday 26th According to the ITV news website Middlesbrough are lining up a £1.5 million bid for Neil Lennon.

wednesday 27th Henrik Larsson is nominated by the Swedish FA as the greatest Swedish player of the last 50 years. The nomination is part of the celebrations to mark the fiftieth anniversary of UEFA next year.

Mark Fotheringham gets fed up with hanging around the waiting room at Celtic Park and hops a taxi bound for Dens Park.

In the evening Celtic complete the formality of qualifying for the Champions League with an easy 1:0 win over MTK Budapest. The Huns pooped the party a wee bit by also beating their Danish opponents to qualify. Good news for their bank manager as well as whoever gets them in Friday's draw.

thursday 28th UEFA recognise the contribution Hoops fans made to last season's European campaign by giving us the 2003 Fair Play award, the first time it has ever been awarded to a group of supporters rather than a team. It will be presented before one of the Champions League games at Parkhead.

Celtic pull out of a last-minute attempt to sign Brazilian midfielder Emerson ahead of the weekend transfer deadline. The player had agreed to join Wolves before speaking to Celtic. A Parkhead spokesman was quoted as saying, 'The wage demands of the player were well beyond the manager's valuation of him.'

friday 29th The Champions League draw sees Celtic having to take on Bayern Munich, Anderlecht and Lyons. The Huns get our old friends Manchester United, our new friends VfB Stuttgart and our soon-to-be-friends Panathinaikos, the Greek team who were founded by an Irishman, play in green and white and whose club badge is a shamrock.

Meanwhile, Emerson signs on the dotted line at the Death Star amid laughable suggestions that the Huns have somehow pulled a flanker on us.

saturday 31st David Fernandez goes back to Livingston for a year on loan. They certainly look as if they need him as they go down 5:1 at Parkhead, Henrik Larsson netting a hat-trick.

sunday 31st In a Gavin Berry exclusive, our erstwhile Antipodean fruitcake Mark Viduka opens his heart to the Sunday Mail and insists he might still be at Celtic Park were it not for Allan McDonald: 'He had made me a promise and I waited six months for it to be delivered. In the end he denied he had ever made it. That's the reason I left Celtic. I was so disappointed with McDonald. Yes, it was about money. You know, I was hardly on anything.'

Graeme Bryce's 'exclusive' in the News of the Screws is that Celtic have knocked back a £5.5 million Monaco 'swoop' for Henrik Larsson. 'We contacted Celtic at the beginning of the week,' Monaco sporting director Henri Biancheri is quoted as saying, 'but they weren't interested.'

september monday 1st Transfer deadline day. James

SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHERT

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