April 2005

Friday 1st Confirming the departure of our Brazilian midfield maestro, Martin O'Neill gets his tuppence worth in after Juninho's parting shots: 'I remember in my final days at Nottingham Forest blaming the manager, Brian Clough, who was the best in the business, team-mates for not passing to me, and the grass for being too long - which it was at that stage! I have seen those things about the long ball dozens of times but the likes of Neil Lennon, Stilian Petrov, Aiden McGeady and Craig Bellamy are hardly long-ball specialists. Craig Bellamy was written off after the Rangers game and he has adjusted to the Scottish scene. It might actually be a 'thumbs up' to the Scottish game and might be a bit more difficult than people imagined. Henri Camara was not considered good enough and has scored some cracking goals in the Premiership in that poor league. I am disappointed. I thought he would come here and it would be a new lease of life for him. It has been disappointing but I told him that I wouldn't keep him prisoner either. A number of teams have spent £20m or £30mon players and it hasn't necessarily brought them European glory and it doesn't necessarily mean domestic glory. He came in and it hasn't worked out for him and he is disappointed too. But I wish him all the very best.

Craig Bellamy is announced as the Bank of Scotland Premier League player of the month for March after scoring five goals during the month and helping the Hoops back to the top of the SPL. Bellamy said: 'I'm delighted to receive the award, especially as it is my first full month of Scottish football. It is great receiving an award, but obviously it is as much down to the players I play with as anything else.' Winner of the award twelve weeks ago was Aiden McGeady who is this this time named the Young Player of the Month, a unique double as he is the first player to have won both awards in the same season.

Tyniegate linesman Andy Davies denies in the press that he is a Rangers supporter (on April 1st? Sceptical Ed): 'I am not a Rangers fan and I have never held a Rangers season ticket in my life... Like a lot of the guys (I think he means refs here - Hackwatcher) I have always enjoyed football but it was Junior and Amateur football clubs I followed in the main, mostly because I've been involved in a few of them.' Phew, thank goodness he's cleared that up. There's absolutely no Junior or Amateur clubs who could possibly accused of having pro-Rangers allegeinces are there?

Saturday 2nd A bad day at the office as Hearts win 2:0 at Celtic Park. Chairman Brian Quinn appears on the pitch at half-time to make a presentation to a visiting delegation from Villareal and is given the kind of ovation received by English comedians on a Friday night at the Glasgow Empire.

Monday 4th Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell announces that the board will do everything they can to sign Craig Bellamy on a permanent basis for next season. Lawwell said: 'We can't give absolute promises but we will do everything we possibly can to keep Bellamy. The biggest assumption though is that the player wants to stay. Craig has been a huge success and everyone at Celtic is delighted with him. He has fitted in brilliantly and we have no complaints about him on or off the park. The board know the fans would love him to stay - we want him to stay too.'

Tuesday 5th As Juninho signs a two year deal with Brazilian club Palmeiras, his agent tells anyone who'll listen that only Martin O'Neill will ever know why his client was a flop at Celtic. To the accompaniment of a string orchestra playing an adagio, Brian Hassall said: 'It is sad that from doing well at Middlesbrough last year he was shoved out the door there and it is sad that things did not work out at Celtic. Seven months ago my brief was to find a manager who would speak to him and tell him he wanted him to play. I honestly thought I had found that in Martin O'Neill. And only he will know why it didn't work out... I think the fans will look back on him with affection because he was one of those players who naturally went to them.'

Wednesday 6th High rollers in the Kinning Park area forming orderly queues to wait for the opening of the Ibrox Sands super casino look set to be disappointed as the 'spectacular development that will create 2,000 jobs and regenerate Govan' (Evening Times, 14th October 2004) featuring a football pitch on the roof is kicked into touch by government legislation which has decreed that only one such casino will be licensed for the foreseeable future and it will most probably be based in Blackpool. What did we say at the time about the whole thing being spookily reminiscent of Kevin Kelly meandering around a toxic swamp somewhere near Cambuslang holding a similar drawing of a space-age Celtic stadium?

Thursday 7th In a Daily Rectum exclusive, Keith 'Scoop' Jacksie reveals that, 'Celtic will today launch their bid to land Craig Bellamy from Newcastle permanently. Record Sport understands chief executive Peter Lawwell will travel south to watch Graeme Souness' side in UEFA Cup action tonight against Sporting Lisbon. And Lawwell will use the trip to open transfer talks with United chairman Freddy Shepherd on a price for the blackballed Welsh international... However, Record Sport can also reveal Shepherd plans to take a hard-line stance. He is likely to warn Celtic that unless they come up with a £5million bounty Bellamy will be offered to other interested parties. The Parkhead club have already shelled out around £1m to take Bellamy on loan from Tyneside after the fiery striker's infamous bust-up with former Rangers boss Souness... The player is believed to have set his heart on a move to Glasgow's East End and this may help Lawwell's case as Bellamy could resist any attempt to force him into an alternative transfer.'

Jacksie also claims that, '£1m-rated Swedish Under-21 defender Andreas Granqvist has claimed he could be heading for Celtic.'

Bolton manager Sam Allerdyce is quoted in an interview with the Manchester Evening News as saying that he would be interested in approaching Neil Lennon when his contract runs out in the summer should the player fail to agree terms with Celtic. Meanwhile Celtic are being linked in the media with Nantes keeper Mickael Landreau. The player's agenti Axel Lablatiniere told BBC Scotland that he knows of Celtic's interest, but admitted there had been no official approach as yet.

The board announce that more than £80,000 has been raised for charities through two events at Parkhead. The Sporting Dinner raised around £75,000, with St Andrew's Hospice in Airdrie the main beneficiary, and a dinner to mark the visit of fans from Villarreal in Spain brought in £7000 for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children,Yorkhill.

Friday 8th Lucky white heather department: Magnus Hedman is considering hanging up his gloves because of family difficulties. The big 'keeper's wife Magdalena has recently asked for divorce, leaving Hedman to reconsider his career. 'I will try to get through this season.' Hedman told swedish newspaper Expressen. 'Then, I will take a new decision. I don't know if I have got the strength to continue.'

Saturday 9th Celtic executive director Peter Lawwell denies he attended Newcastle United's UEFA Cup quarter-final clash with Sporting Lisbon on Thursday night to hold talks with Newcastle representatives regarding the future of on-loan star Craig Bellamy. Lawwell was at the match alright, but he insisted that he made the journey in a personal capacity, and not in order to begin discussions with Newcastle over a move for Bellamy in the summer. 'I know a few of the people down at Newcastle and I'm just going down to take in the game. We'll just need to wait and see [on Bellamy].'

Sunday 10th To Hampden for the Scottish Cup semi-final where the Hearts supporters introduce themselves to the world stage by vociferously disrupting a minute's silence in memory of the late Pope John Paul II, broadcast live on Sky and leter reported all over the globe in the most incredulous terms. Refereee Stuart Dougal is forced to call a halt a mere 25 seconds amid a lusty chorus of the Billy Boys. Hearts chief executive Phil Anderton later apologised to Celtic and the Scottish Football Association: 'It is disturbing that some Hearts fans failed to see the significance of this occasion.'

Celtic win the game by 2:1 to book a place in the final against Dundee United on May 28th.

Monday 11th Asked to comment on the behaviour of the Hearts branch of the 'FTP Brigade' (c D. Murray 2005) Secretary of the Federation of Hearts Supporters' Clubs, John Borthwick, said 'I have nothing to say about it.' Former vice chairman of the Federation of Hearts Supporters' Club, Robin Beith, was a bit more forthcoming. He blamed the SFA: 'This type of situation does lend itself to people acting in an antisocial manner. The Pope is unrelated to football and the SFA should have known better than to have a minute's silence - I think they were ill advised... Are the 20,000 other [Celtic] fans who were singing the Republic of Ireland's national anthem going to be arrested too?'

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, former Hearts chairman Leslie Deans said those responsible for disturbing the minute's silence should be traced and prosecuted. 'I was at the game and I heard the booing. These fans should be dealt with appropriately through the courts... No action should be taken against the club because it is not the club's fault that a few people didn't have the decency to observe a minute's silence for the Pope.' Former lord provost of Edinburgh Eric Milligan branded the fans' behaviour an 'embarrassment to everybody associated with Hearts football club... It is also a disgrace to the Scottish Catholic community. The whole world was observing the minute's silence following the death of the Pope and it is disgusting that these people had to ruin it. '

Phil Anderton is perturbed that yestarday's scenes might put off future investors: 'I am angry. We are ambitious and if any businessman or potential supporter of the club reads what people are saying about us they will be less inclined to spend their time or money with Heart of Midlothian FC... When this club has been in the news in the USA and other countries, then I think people should really examine their actions. If people feel that being part of a supporter of Heart of Midlothian is to take the game into territory where we don't want to go then I would rather they go and be disrespectful somewhere else.'

Can't think where he has in mind. Where on earth would such disrespectful sectarian behaviour be tolerated?

Tuesday 12th The Glasgow Comedy Festival might have finished but there are thankfully enough home-grown comedians still left in the city to cause a side-splitting laugh. Prior to the Huns' home game against Dundee United Coco McLeish announces that his side are suffering from the capriciousness of match officials, especially at Ibrox: 'In some instances, it may sound strange, in their effort to show they are strong - at Ibrox on a couple of occasions - they can be too fair, if that makes sense.'

'strange' isn't the word I'd use. Ominously the Cat adds, 'Between now and the end of the season there will be a lot of decisions, some controversial, but we back the officials 100%'. Oh shit!

The game itself ends in a 1:0 defeat for the plucky cash-strapped Kinning Park club.

Wednesday 13th Strathclyde University announces that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Henrik Larsson 'in recognition of his contribution to sport and his impact on Glasgow and Scotland.' Professor Andrew Hamnett, university principal, said: 'We are delighted that Henrik Larsson has accepted the honorary degree. Mr Larsson's tremendous contribution to sport is well-known. However, the university believes that his impact on Glasgow and Scotland as a whole went far beyond the football field. His charity work and general demeanour mark him as an ideal role model for our students.'

Dundee United, who brought 5,000 supporters to Hampden for their cup semi-final, will ask the SFA for a 17,000 allocation for the final, the same amount as Celtic would receive.

Celtic chairman Brian Quinn says the board will do everything in their power to keep Craig Bellamy at the club. In an interview to be broadcast on Radio Scotland's Sunday Live programme, Quinn admitted he could not promise that the funds would be available, but he stressed that manager Martin O'Neill would be given whatever financial support was possible: 'If we can afford it, we will make an offer we believe reflects the value of the player. It would be a funny chairman and board who didn't try to do our best to sign him. We have to look at the overall financial picture at the end of the season. Last year, our wage bill was £40m, whereas Rangers' was £30m. There are only five teams with bigger wage bills than that in the English Premiership. So you can't just look at the transfer fee, you have to look at the entire package. It's not true to say that Martin hasn't had money to spend. Sometimes he's elected to spend that on new players, but at other times he's elected to renew the contracts of existing players. So there is a strong commitment to the manager.'

On his reception at half-time during the Hearts game he said: 'I was a bit hurt I have to say. I simply wanted to say a word or two to the Spanish supporters who had come over and I think it was a display of bad manners.'

In the evening, Celtic beat Livingston 4:0 to go back to the top of the table, John Hartson scoring a hat-trick.

Saturday 16th Another home performance to explode your pacemaker as Celtic finally run out 3:2 winners against Aberdeen in front of a crowd just a couple shy of 60,000. The third comes courtesy of another goal of the season contender from Craig Bellamy. After the match Martin O'Neill takes his opportunity to dispute the figures quoted by Brian Quinn regarding Celtic's wage bill, which the Chairman suggested was £10 million bigger than Rangers' and only exceeded by five clubs in the English Premiership: 'It is interesting that Jim Hone, who recently left this football club and went down to work in the Premiership (as chief executive of Fulham) tells me that our wage bill wouldn't be in the top 12 of the clubs in the Premiership. This is somebody who is actually working in the Premiership. I'm not going to get involved in an argument, but there is not a prayer of players' wages here being remotely near the figure quoted... Not at all, not even with entire wage costs regarding every single person who works for the club.'

Sunday 17th Never ones to resort to hyperbole, the News of the Screws features the disagreement between the manager and chairman on its back page under the headline, '£40 million wage war'. We're still a bit unsure whether that's better or worse than a crisis.

Richard Winton in the Sunday Herald reports that Celtic are in discussions with tour organisers ChampionsWorld about taking part in the next pre-season tour of the States. The tournament was set to take place in the final week in July but if Celtic don't win the SPL title then a second-round Champions League qualifier during that period. Winton quotes ChampionsWorld chief executive officer Charlie Stillitano as saying: 'We have invited Celtic to come play this year, had very positive conversations with Mr Lawwell and hope to have an answer within the next week. They have many offers and they are weighing those up, but we're just not there yet because of the uncertainty with the Champions League schedule... From our perspective, we'd love to have them. We want them 100%... They're a wonderfully strong team both on the field and in a commercial sense.'

Monday 18th Walsall teenager, Kayley Elkington is the unlikely recipient of a message forwarded by Brian Quinn which was destined for Celtic's PR Man (whoever he is) but which failed to arrive due to the chairman's incompatibility with handheld telephonic equipment. The message was: 'It's Brian here. I'm trying to head off yet another storm created by our esteemed manager who has now, I believe, contradicted the numbers I used in the radio interview given this morning. The £40 million is total wages and salaries. Second, the statement that only five clubs in the Premiership have a higher wage bill was made after checking with the Celtic finance department who got this stuff from benchmark data. I'm not going to be made a liar by Martin O'Neill, so you're going to have to use your skills to defuse this thing. Bye.'

Kayley was apparent;y bewildered, but someone else in the household - understood to be her father - grasped its meaning and immediately dialled The Sun, unfortunately managing to get all the digits in the correct order. Quinn later told hacks: 'When you reach my age it's perhaps advisable to steer clear of new fangled devices like mobile phones. I've had a chat with Martin and I will take him through the salary bill with the aid of a bottle of wine and my abacus.'

MON added: 'There is absolutely no friction between myself, the chairman and the board. Actually, I find the whole episode rather amusing.'

Tuesday 19th At the launch of another anti-sectarianism initiative Peter Lawwell insists the club are united ahead of this weekend's game at Ibrox, dismissing quinngate as all a bit of a hoot: 'I think we have all had a chuckle about it over the last couple of days. The issue is finished and as far as we are concerned it's a non-news story. We look forward to Sunday and beyond. We need to look forward now.'

Wednesday 20th Celtic View day (Hooray!) and today's issue announces the iminent arrival of the 'Singing Section'. The so-called 'New Jungle' will be located in section 141 of the lower Jock Stein stand.

Thursday 21st Craig Bellamy says he has put all thoughts of his future aside to concentrate on helping Celtic win the double. 'I want to win these trophies and I'll wait until I go on holiday before seeing what's happening. I haven't thought about anything else and I don't want to,' said Bellamy. 'That's not the way I work and I could do without that little sidetrack. I have spoken to my agent but he won't dare say a word to me because he knows the phone call will last a few seconds. I came up here to enjoy my football and winning the two trophies are the only thing on my mind. I am enjoying my football and my life in Scotland. Everyone wants to be in the Champions League and that's what I want to be involved in. The money is not important...If the Celtic fans or the football club weren't happy with me it would be a harder place to hang around. I am enjoying my football and my life in Scotland and it has been a really brilliant experience. I've enjoyed the little things like travelling with this group to places like Livingston or Inverness on a Tuesday. People thought I wouldn't like it and I never thought I'd be saying this.'

Bellamy is also looking forward to a warm welcome at the Death Star: 'For the first time, Lenny [Neil Lennon] will get a half-decent ride and he is looking forward to it. I know what I am up against and I cannot wait. The more I get booed, the better I play. It gets me motivated.'

Despite press reports to the contrary, Neil Lennon has not been made a final take-it-or-leave it offer by Celtic and is still leaving the way open to extending his stay at Parkhead by another year. Lennon's agent, Martin Reilly, said: 'Neil hasn't been the least bit surprised at ill-informed reports over his future hitting the newspapers this week. He simply sees it as people making mischief in the build-up to a game which could go a long way to helping Celtic win the league. One report had him being offered a £20,000-a-week paycut - but that is simply not true. Also, the current salary they have him on is wrong. Neil has never been on a basic wage of £32,000-per-week. Neil's wages are his personal business and people are playing a guessing game. It is something they can continue to do but the Celtic fans can rest assured both reports are wrong. Why would Celtic offer him a two-year deal just over a month ago and then not want to keep him now? Talks will take place very soon and we are still hopeful of striking a deal. Meantime, Neil wants to concentrate on helping Celtic beat Rangers on Sunday. It's worth noting that La Liga side Lavente wanted to offer Neil a four-year deal that would see him earn more than he does at Celtic. It's not all about money, although he knows his value - Celtic get more than 40 games a season out of Neil. He has been one of the most consistent players this term.'

Friday 22nd Neil Lennon is close to agreeing a new deal at Celtic, according to his agent. Martin Reilly is quoted in the Daily rectum as saying: 'We're very happy with the way Celtic are dealing with the matter. We haven't been putting pressure on the club, although Neil has made it clear he wants to stay and we're setting up more talks for next week. At this moment we are close to a deal. I can't say it will definitely happen next week but there is a good chance it might. Neil wants to stay and all he's asking for is a one-year package.'

Sunday 24th The morning of the derby match so we're expecting even the red tops to take it easy with regard to cranking things up... which is possibly why the Sunday Mason splashes the front page with the headline TEXT HATE 0F CELTS ACE: BELLAMY'S TEXT RANT AT TOON'S SHEARER. Ace reporter Billy Paterson recounts how 'abusive messages were sent from Bellamy's mobile phone to Newcastle ace Shearer after the Geordies were dumped out of the FA Cup.' A spokesman for Bellamy said the player was innocent of the allegations, claiming the mobile phone in question was lost while he was in Ireland and reported.

It obviously put Bellamy off his stride as he scores a marvellous goal in the Hoops' latest 2:1 win at Ibrox.

Monday 25th Rangers will be hauled up in front of the Scottish Football Association's disciplinary committee as a result of the drinks cup that struck Stilian Petrov during the weekend's Glasgow derby at Ibrox. Petrov was hit on the face by the cup then booked by referee Stuart Dougal for provocatively scoring a goal in front of the Copland Road end of the Death Star. Petrov and team-mate John Hartson were showered with stuff from the easily offended sensitive souls who inhabit that particular part of Mordor and Craig Bellamy also appeared to be the target of missiles thrown from the crowd when he limped off with a hamstring strain early in the second half, but Rangers will only have to answer to the Petrov incident as it was the only one mentioned in Stuart Dougal's report.

The bad news on Bellamy is that he has been has been ruled out of action for up to three weeks with his hamstring injury. A statement on the club's official website said: 'An injury of this kind typically takes between two and three weeks to properly heal and would therefore rule Bellamy out of Celtic's forthcoming matches with Hibernian and Aberdeen, also leaving in doubt his participation at Tynecastle on May 15.'

Wednesday 27th Celtic View day today (Hooray!) wherein Stilian Petrov admits he may have 'over-celebrated' his goal in the 2:1 win at Ibrox: 'Maybe I over-celebrated but, after that, I apologised to their fans and raised my hand to them. We work so hard during the week, you put so much into the game, this derby game, and when you score you go mad. When you're hit by something, at first, you're shocked but, when I saw it was nothing serious, I just got on with the game.'

A spokesperson for Not The View did not apologise for certain other hand gestures being made by staff at NTV Mansions towards the Copland Road end approximately five seconds after Petrov's header nestled itself in the back of the net.

Celtic's youth team beat St. Mirren 2:0 to lift the Scottish Youth Cup. It is a record eighth national trophy for the youth team and McStay's fifth win in the competition since he took over in 1994 - making him Celtic's most successful domestic youth coach, a spell which has coincided with the advent of the Murray Park Conveyor Belt of Talent (dux pupil Boab Malcolm FTP). McStay said: 'Every one of these lads has a dream of playing in the Champions League. That is why they are here, and we are delighted... It has been a good year for us on the development front. There are three or four teams still in contention for the league title, but we have a chance of that as well.'

Thursday 28th Celtic fans have been told we have no chance of getting a Scottish Cup ticket from the Dundee United allocation, no matter what devious schemes we might come up with. SFA security chief Willie McDougall said today: 'United have assured us they will not be selling tickets willy-nilly to anyone.'

Damn. I was going to apply for a ticket under the pseudonym William Nilly. On to plan B.

According to several of the tabloids, 'Bayern Munich have stated publicly that they have no intention of signing Celtic's Bobo Balde, but again stressed they could be interested in Craig Bellamy. They are thought to be desperate to sign a striker and see Bellamy as the perfect player to take on the job, but general manager Uli Hoeness stressed he had no interest in his Celtic team-mate Balde, stating: 'The only one who impressed me was the small dribbler Craig Bellamy.'

Can't believe Uli Hoeness failed to be impressed by big dribbler Boab Malcolm FTP.

Friday 29th Celtic PlC announce to the Stock Exchange that Brian Wilson, the former MP for Cunninghame North, has been invited to join the board. Wilson will take up his post on June 1st this year, joining recent apointee Brian McBride, from T-Mobile, in the non-singing section, aka the comfy seats. Boardwatchers are already speculating that Wilson could well turn out to be the long term replacement as Chairman for Brian Quinn, who is expected to announce his retirement soon. It remains to be seen whether Wilson has mastered the art of using a mobile phone yet.

A representative from Hearts has told the Daily Rectum that there is no chance of Celtic being presented with the SPL trophy if the Hoops win the title at Tynecastle. Security chief John Boag said: 'If there's any suggestion of a presentation on the pitch, I can tell you it won't happen. There are a number of reasons, the majority of them security-related. Given events at the semi-final, there is a recent history of dislike between many of the fans so it would be sensible to have the trophy presentation elsewhere,' added Boag. 'It is nothing to do with jealousy or Hearts being awkward - but having a championship presentation here would not be appropriate. What would happen if Celtic went on a lap of honour and some of their support had infiltrated the sections of the ground reserved for Hearts fans? I think we know the answer to that.'

Not The View's head of security, Mr. M. Baglehole said, 'Is this an admission that Hearts have a significant problem with sectarianism? I think we all know the answer to that.'

At his Friday press conference, Martin O'Neill was not being drawn on any talk of championship celebrations: 'I noticed there was something today about us not being allowed to celebrate a championship win at Hearts if we do happen to do it. No-one at Celtic is talking about championships. What happens is that a story gets a bit of momentum and the next thing it's read as though it's coming out from Celtic. We're not interested in celebrating the championship - we are a million miles away from that and the players and everyone around the ground knows that.'

Saturday 30th In the SPL it's a nightmare on Janefield Street as the Hoops lose at home to Hibs. Post-match Martin O'Neill admitted he was disappointed with the defeat but insisted there was still a distance to go in the title race: 'Hibs came here and played well but we gave away some poor goals. These games are tough and Championships are difficult things to win. We were missing some key players but that's not an excuse. After beating Rangers I thought we could allow one more slip up, so we need to win our remaining matches.'

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

back to top