April 2004

Thursday 1st Executive director Peter Lawwell announces that season ticket holders can expect to pay between £10 and £15 more for their books next season. Describing this as 'a minor increase', Lawwell insisted that it was not 'going back to the well.' Average prices will now be around £450 with Celtic expecting 53,000 renewals and a waiting list of around 11,000.

Friday 2nd Neil Lennon is awarded the coveted accolade of SPL Player of the Month for March while David Marshall is given the Young Player Award.

Saturday 3rd On their first outing on the newly relaid Parkhead turf, Celtic leave it late to come back from two goals down against Hearts. Sutton (88) and Agathe (91) finally silence the gibbering Gorgie gargoyles to extend the unbeaten league run to 36 games and the unbeaten home run to 76 games. Hearts had taken the lead through Kevin McKenna who later clashed heads with Bobo Balde. Craig Levein told hacks at the post-match press conference that McKenna was 'dazed and confused', a condition the player must surely have been in when he decided to sign on at Tynecastle.

Monday 5th The Evening Times reports that the Huns have given the denizens of the Death Star a mere four weeks to stump up the cash if they want to renew their season tickets for next year. 'This season has been a difficult one... There have been highlights and disappointments', said Chairman Alfred Hitchcock in his begging letter to supporters, and we would like to take this opportunity to express our own gratitude to all the staff at Mordor for giving us so many of the former during the last few months.

Tuesday 6th 'Martin O'Neill is being frustrated in his attempts to get key men tied to new deals... The delay is causing concern among some agents who fear the players may suspect there is a problem', reports Ronnie Cully in the Evening Times, the man with his finger on the pulse regarding all things Celtic.

Wednesday 7th Chris Sutton and Allan Thompson both sign new contracts, allowing Ronnie to remove his finger from the Celtic pulse and put it back up his nose where it will probably be more useful.

Celtic's hopes of matching last season's progress in the UEFA Cup take a severe dent after only six minutes of the home leg when Villareal score an away goal. Larsson almost pulls it out of the fire himself with two goals - one disallowed for nonexistent handball by the eccentric Greek officials.

Saturday 10th STV have clinched a deal which will allow them to show exclusive highlights of SPL games on Monday nights. At the same time, Radio Clyde will be unable to cover live SPL football next season as a result of BBC Scotland securing exclusivity for £8 million. Transfer speculation will surely now surround Super Scoreboard's team of football pundits. Derek Johnstone could soon be signing on at Radio City Bakeries while there are several lunatic asylums interested in swooping for Hugh Keevins to do radio broadcasts to the sadly deluded and terminally insane.

Sunday 11th Transfer news in this morning's Screws comes courtesy of John McGarry who reports that, 'Celtic are set to snap up frozen out Sunderland defender Patrick Collins in the summer.'

Henke's competitive Celtic swansong will take place at Hampden in May as Celtic beat Livingston 3:1 to book a place in the Cup Final. Chris Sutton nets two goals before having to hobble off the pitch, a desperate blow prior to the return leg in Villareal in midweek.

Tuesday 13th According to Nadia Carminati on the Sky Sports website, Celtic have been making enquiries about Sampdoria's midfield playmaker Christiano Doni. The East Anglia Daily Times also reports that Celtic scouts have been at Portman Road recently to watch Ipswich Town's teenage striker Dean Bowditch. Meanwhile, the Hoops have taken Reading winger Darren Campbell on loan for a month.

Wednesday 14th Our UEFA Cup campaign comes to an abrupt end as the Yellow Submarine torpedoes the SS Celtic, although in mitigation it should be remembered that half the crew had already been shanghaied by injury and suspension. The 2:0 defeat means that Scotland loses its automatic entry to the Champions League group stage for next season's SPL winners (Celtic). A bit of help from somebody else in getting the coefficient up would have been nice. Consolation comes with the knowledge that for the second year in a row we have been in Europe after the clocks have gone forward and that the league will be won at Rugby Park this weekend as a result of plucky Rangers managing to take a point off Livingston at Pleasantville.

Thursday 15th The Old Firm youth teams play out a 1:1 draw at Ibrox in front of 10,000 spectators. Celtic midfield player Charlie Grant must have been taken aback somewhat to find his every touch greeted by a cacophony of booing from the Orcs in attendance. Charlie's crime is that he plays in midfield, has red hair and looks a bit like Neil Lennon!

Friday 16th In a gesture which speaks volumes for their board of directors, Kilmarnock announce that they are prepared to take the financial loss associated with at least 5,000 empty seats rather than allocate more tickets to Celtic fans desperate to join the league-winning party. Thanks very much... and enjoy your administration when it comes.

Saturday 17th The four SPFA nominations for the footballers' Player of the Year Award (the one that counts - not the Annual Hack Boozefest one) are three Celts, Sutton, Larsson and Petrov, and the token Hun Stephan Klos. Stephen Pearson is among the nominations for the Young Player award.

Sunday 18th 'Keane: I'll sign for the Bhoys' is the big exclusive by Danny Conlon in this morning's News of the Screws. Apparently, 'Roy Keane will sign for Celtic in the summer if he can agree terms... The Manchester United legend has told close pal Paul McGrath he is ready to announce the move to his boyhood heroes.'

Over at rivals Masonsport, Swoop Guidi - strangely quiet the past few weeks - bounces back with a non-exclusive: 'Robert Earnshaw is the latest striker to be seriously checked out by Celtic as a replacement for Henrik Larsson.'

Celtic duly wrap up the 39th league title in the afternoon with a fairly routine 1:0 victory, the goal coming courtesy of Stilian Petrov. The result means that Celtic are the first club in any of the eight divisions of senior football in Scotland and England to claim a title and have gone a calendar year without defeat in the league. To add to the ticket fiasco, scores of Celtic fans with genuine briefs were locked out of the ground when they were told the Moffat Stand was full. Despite the acreage of space lying dormant in the main stand police and stewards claimed that the fans could not be accommodated and gave them all refunds.

The party atmosphere inside the Celtic sections was clearly all too much for Jim Jefferies and his sidekick Muttley. In a magnanimous and sporting gesture in keeping with the home club's general tone, Muttley chose the occasion to go off on one about corrupt officialdom in Scottish football. As he was being led away by two men in white coats, Kilmarnock assistant manager Billy Brown calmly reflected on a decision which disallowed a goal for the home team because of a foul on Bobo Balde: 'We've been robbed by a scandalous refereeing decision... This kind of thing has been going on for 100 years and it's not going to stop now!'

Kilmarnock directors later issued a statement to the effect that £10,000 worth of damage had been done to seats at both ends of the ground (they didn't specify how many seats had been broken) which gave some hacks the perfect excuse to claim that, 'some fans disgraced their club by vandalising seats...' (Ronnie Cully April 21st).

At the annual supporters' rally in the Royal Concert Hall the manager and players were given a reception fit for heroes while Henke was given a special award in recognition of his seven years at the club. Brian Quinn also raised a cheer by tapping his cheque book pocket and promising to release funds to hold on to OFM and find a replacement for Larsson. Actually, what he promised was to release 'as much as possible', but coming from Brian Quinn that's almost the equivalent of 'The Milky Bars are on me!'

Monday 19th Roy Keane's lawyer responds to reports linking the player with a move to Parkhead: 'Roy has got two years left on his contract and he is going to fulfil that.'

Wednesday 21st A chance to write yet another chapter in the history books slips away as, incredibly, Aberdeen win at Celtic Park, the first team to do so in 77 games. MON did his best to sound philosophical about it but was said to be privately seething at the players for pushing for a winner late in the game which allowed the Dons to break away at the death and score the winner.

Rangers announce a bizarre scheme which will see them having to pay for any players brought through the Murray Park... ahem... conveyor belt who plays ten games for the first team. Byzantine in its complexity, we are sure the sketch has nothing to do with offloading the costs of running Auchenhowie due to the Kinning Park giants being cash-strapped.

Thursday 22nd Thanks mainly to Celtic, the Huns will be seeded in their attempt to avoid an early Champions League exit at the start of next season. The news from UEFA means that they will probably avoid the likes of Manchester United and Barcelona. Instead, they'll have to take on somebody easy from the next rank - the Rosenborg, Basel and Dynamo Kiev division. Eck's sphincter should be twitching at the thought of Marvin Andrews facing up to any of the aforementioned.

Celtic announce that the opposition for Henrik Larsson's farewell match will be Seville (ring a bell?) and the game will go ahead at CP on May 25th (ring a bell??).

Friday 23rd 'Transfer frenzy - from Hibs to Holland' is the breathless headline in the Times who report that Celtic have, in ubiquitous chip-wrapper parlance, 'been linked' today with Feyenoord winger Robin van Persie, Derek Riordan (pronounced Riordan) of Hibs and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer of Manchester United. The net result of this 'transfer frenzy' is: players sold 0; players bought 0.

Saturday 24th John Hartson resumes training following surgery to correct his back injury some eight weeks ago. 'I don't want to set any targets', he told reporters, 'but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have an eye on the final.' Michael Walker of the Guardian has Celtic, 'The latest club to express interest in Everton's striker Tomasz Radzinski.'

In the SPL, the Huns almost pull off another shock result at Tannadice by going into a 3:1 lead before the home side equalise in the last minute. Steven Thompson is booked after scoring a goal for taunting United fans with what some newspapers described as 'a donkey impression'. That was no impression. He's the genuine article.

Sunday 25th The News of the Screws features the Radzinski for Celtic story on its back page as well, with Andrew Graham claiming his 'shock summer swoop' mince as an 'exclusive'. Another exclusive in the sports section by John McGarry reveals that 'Charlton will this week scupper Celtic's hopes of landing Hibs superkid Derek Riordan (pronounced Riordan) by tabling a £500,000 bid for the player.'

Big exclusive in Masonsport comes from Swoop Guidi with the revelation that 'Celtic are poised to tie up Neil Lennon on a new contract.' According to Swoop, O'Neill is keen to get Lennon to commit himself to Celtic until 2006. The Mail also reports that, 'Celtic are getting ready to fight it out with Manchester United to land 15 year-old Canadian superkid Jacob Leinsky'.

In the afternoon Celtic go a goal up Tynecastle through debutant and Man of the Match Aiden McGeady but have to settle for a 1:1 draw.

Monday 26th In the wake of another hatefest at Tynecastle the Daily Record reports that 'Hearts have promised to probe claims that their fans racially abused Neil Lennon.' Commenting on the torrent of bile directed against Lennon, Martin O'Neill was quoted as saying, 'I find it quite interesting and amusing to see him racially abused everywhere he goes. Then, when he puffs up his cheeks the fans want to draw the referee's attention to it.' Surprisingly, there have not been a plethora of calls to assorted fan platforms to have Lennon tried by video evidence and subsequently banned for a lengthy period of time for cheek-puffing in a provocative manner.

Tuesday 27th Celtic Under 21s win the league for the third time in a row as their Auchenhowie Plc counterparts can only draw 1:1 with Livingston.

With Scotland in Denmark for a midweek friendly, the Laptop Loyal waste no time in reacquainting themselves with an old friend - Brian Laudrup's sphincter. It must have been stifling up there with so many hacks jostling for prime position, but they all manage to elicit some pearls of wisdom from the great Dane, not about the forthcoming match, but about what's gone wrong at Ibrox: 'Earlier this season there were only about two or three Scots in the team and the rest were foreign players. That was the problem in my opinion.' Replace the word 'Scots' with the phrase 'half decent player' and 'foreign players' with 'diddies' and you'll get a closer approximation to what we think Laudrup meant to say.

Wednesday 28th Scotland duly lose 1:0 in Copenhagen but the news from another midweek friendly in Sofia is that Stilian Petrov has picked up an injury in Bulgaria's 3:0 win against Cameroon.

The Evening Times reveals that, 'Rivaldo has knocked back the chance to join Celtic - as he thinks Old Firm rivals Rangers are a bigger club.'

Meanwhile a spokesman for the supporters of this bigger club has expressed his concern at the expected lack of season ticket sales at Mordor: 'With the deadline for season ticket renewal on Monday we are finding fans are more concerned than ever about the state of the club.'

Friday 30th The SFA have decided that Dunfermline, with 5,000 season ticket holders, will receive an allocation of 15,000 tickets for the Cup Final at Hampden at the end of May. Celtic will receive 26,000 briefs and the remaining 10,000 will be distributed between the association's member clubs, sponsors and debenture seat holders.

Hats off to the hucksters selling evening papers in Glasgow who managed to dupe thousands of unwary Celtic fans into buying their blat by advertising tonight's headline, 'Larsson U-turn'. Henke has changed his mind all right, but only as far as playing for Sweden is concerned. Watch out for a similar headline should the Swede perform a tricky manoeuvre in his car before he heads off in the summer. Hopes that Larsson is entering a phase of dithering indecision with regard to his Celtic future are dashed a mere couple of hours later as the hammer falls on the bidding for his luxury home in Bothwell, expected to fetch somewhere in the region of £350,000.

Diary compiled by SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

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