april 2003

wednesday 2nd UEFA Cup semi-final opponents Boavista are fined £8,000 after club officials were found guilty of naughty behaviour during their penalty shoot-out win over Hertha Berlin. Coach Alfredo Castro was also banned from the touchline for both legs of the tie against Celtic for abusing match officials.

The Retard reveals that 'Celtic were last night linked with a summer swoop for the best mate of El Hadj Diouf... with a view to making a move for Khalilou Fadiga when the transfer window reopens.' (David McCarthy stealing some of Guidi's patter there)

Celtic are placed eighth in the international club rankings of the International Federation for Football History and Statistics. Rangers currently languish in 73rd place.

Today's View announces the launch of the search to find this season's Player of the Year. Fans are invited to phone a premium rate phone number to register their votes (no tacky cash-in then, thank goodness). Among the players you can vote for are Tommy Boyd (a blinder in the League Cup against Caley you'll have to agree), Stanislav Varga (ninety minutes of magic in Inverness) and Bobby Petta (what a season he's had - vintage Bobby).

Paul Lambert and Jackie McNamara turn out for Scotland in the latest farce in Lithuania. Momo Sylla scores in Guinea's 2:0 African Nations Cup victory over Niger.

thursday 3rd Today's transfer speculation in the Retard links Celtic with one of Stilian Petrov's team mates in the Bulgarian national squad, 29 year-old striker Zoran Jankovic.

friday 4th At his Friday press conference Martin O'Neill says, 'I read some headlines we were after some Bulgarian player. If our scout was out watching a game in Estonia where he was playing when I was sending him somewhere else I'm going to sack him!'

sunday 6th According to a John McGarry exclusive in the News of the Screws, cash-strapped Rangers are being chased by lawyers from Australian club Northern Spirit. The Aussies are claiming that the Teds have failed to stump up money that is owed to them. Spirit's owner, Antonio Gelonesi, who bought our David Murray's interest last year, is quoted as saying, 'I even had to fund our youth development programme because Rangers haven't fulfilled their financial obligations.' McGarry adds: 'Rangers chairman David Murray splashed out £1 million three years ago to buy Northern Spirit... He hoped the deal would open up new marketing opportunities on the other side of the world as well as seeing the cream of Australia's rising stars heading to Ibrox... But just two years later and with crowds continually falling, Rangers decided to cut their losses and sell their stake.' Another calamity for Mordor plastered all over the back pages of all the major tabloids a la the Celtic Board circa 1994. (Only kidding - it appeared in one paper, buried deep in the middle of the sports section, ie the pages nobody reads)

Celtic's hopes of retaining the championship this year take a severe dunt at Dens. The Hoops go into a 1:0 lead but Dundee equalise before half-time thanks to a goal from Mark Burchill. Had to be didn't it?

wednesday 9th Celtic View day (hurrah!) and chief scout Tom O'Neill gives us the lowdown on Boavista: 'They're definitely not boring. Last Saturday they finished with three strikers so that eliminated any thoughts that they're a dull, defensive outfit.'

thursday 10th In a tense UEFA Cup semi-final first leg Celtic draw 1:1 with Boavista, the Portuguese Men of Bore, a team who are to the Beautiful Game what Julian Clarey is to the WWF Smackdown. Joos Valgaeren achieves what none of his opponents ever looked like doing by inadvertently squirting an attempted clearance past Rab Douglas. Henke levels things shortly afterwards but goes on to miss a penalty. In the other semi-final FC Porto beat Lazio 4:1.

The post-split league fixtures are released by the SPL. Celtic will have to face Rangers at Ibrox on Sunday April 27th, less than 72 hours after the return leg of the semi-final against Boavista. Chief Exec Ian McLeod announces that he is 'appalled' at the league's timing. 'Neither Celtic nor any other fair-minded football supporter (sic) can condone this poor decision', said McLeod of the secret ballot which saw six clubs vote for it, three against and three abstain.

friday 11th Martin O'Neill gives his reaction to the SPL's fixture decision: 'Had Rangers been involved then there is no way this would have happened. You would have to ask the SPL why they have done this. It's nonsense.' In an eloquent monologue worthy of George Bernard Shaw at his best, SPL Chairman Lex Gold replies, 'That's cobblers. Absolute cobblers.'

Speaking on the subject of the crowd's barracking of Neil Lennon during the previous evening's match the manager said, 'Bill Shankley had to educate the Liverpool crowd who ended up one of the most knowledgable in European football. We have plenty to learn here.'

saturday 12th As revealed 'exclusively' in the Daily Retard by Hugh 'Flanders' Keevins, Livingston director Willie Haughey believes that Celtic should forfeit three points rather than play their forthcoming Ibrox fixture: 'This is not about Celtic paranoia, this is about injustice. What is happening here is that Celtic are being paid back for their objection to the formation of an SPL television channel. When that idea collapsed Celtic got the blame. Six clubs have now got their own back by voting to send them to Ibrox on Ibrox on April 27th', making it sound almost as bad as transportation to Australia on a prison ship. Flanders also reports that Ramon Vega (who he? ed), now doing what he does best for lowly French outfit Creteil, is desperate for a move back to Parkhead. 'Celtic fans have written to me in droves since I left the club', says our erstwhile stopper, a legend in his own household. Ramon neglects to say if any of the letters mention Bobo Balde.

sunday 13th In the SPL Celtic beat Kilmarnock 2:0 at Parkhead thanks to goals by Henrik Larsson and Stilian Petrov. Rangers beat Dundee United 4:1 at Tannadice.

Phone-in Comment of the Week award goes to a Rangers supporter from Grangemouth who called the Sunday Mason: 'Rangers went to extra time on a Thursday last season and played Celtic on the Sunday. We didn't moan and neither should they.' A brilliant point but for two minor details: they didn't go to extra time against Feyenoord and they didn't play Celtic the following Sunday.

monday 14th Ibroxgate rumbles on with Ian McLeod accusing Rangers of being the driving force behind the league's decision to allocate the fixture its allotted date: 'It was clear from talking to the SPL that Rangers had a preference for week 34... there are five dates to choose from and this is the only one that is inarguably unfair from a sporting perspective. It is unfair due to deliberate scheduling.'

Neil Lennon claims that his father will not be coming back to Celtic Park to watch him again because of the rocket he got from sections of the stands during the Boavista match. 'I am not pleased about what happened', said Lennon in his best Headmaster voice, 'And it will take me a long time to forgive the fans who barracked me'. Sounds as if he knows exactly who you were. Didier Agathe, another player on the receiving end of some stick from the crowd that night, takes a slightly different view. 'It was very difficult, of course, but the fans don't hate us. They love us too much.'

Celtic unveil the new hoops at the annual Parkhead Open Day.

wednesday 16th Ian McLeod finally admits defeat and concedes that Celtic will play their forthcoming fixture against Rangers at the Death Star two days after returning from Porto following discussions involving the SPL and the police.

friday 18th Replying to Dunfermline chairman John Yorkstone's demand that Celtic should apologise to SPL board members accused of bias, Martin O'Neill remains unrepentant: 'What are we possibly meant to apologise for? John McLelland (the Rangers Chairman) said that the date for this game was organised in August, but nobody told Celtic... I spoke to Ian Blair a few weeks ago and was told nothing had been resolved... if the police authorities had known for months that April 27th would be the date then maybe Celtic should also have been informed.'

On the eve of Celtic's visit to Tynecastle Hearts' security chief Tom Purdie reveals that his club will be taking measures to avoid a repeat of the attacks on supporters following our last two visits there. On the motivation for the attacks he says, 'It does seem to be sectarian... we have banned a number of them and know who they are.'

Celtic look to be losing two precious points in the league race until the final minute at Tynecastle... when all three disappear down the toilet.

sunday 20th The hopeless Sunday Mason's build-up to Celtic's semi-final with Boavista gets into full swing with a somewhat predictable report by Scoop Guidi (which was buried under seven pages on the Huns' Scottish Cup semi-final victory against Motherwell). 'Former Celtic star Paul Elliott reckons Martin O'Neill is just 90 minutes away from being targeted by major clubs around Europe', he is happy to inform us.

In another Mason exclusive that the entire world must have been chasing, Norman Silvester reveals that 'Celtic fans travelling to Portugal this week for the UEFA Cup semi-final against Boavista will face a drink limit - of 15 pints.' Cafe and bar owners, we are led to believe, will be scrupulously counting everybody's beer before reporting those on their sixteenth pint to the police ... assuming they stay in the same bar all night, that is. Half a page and three columns of this rubbish also includes seedy Silvester's low down on the Porto red light district.

tuesday 22nd Ian McLeod announces that he will be leaving Celtic when his contract expires at the end of the month: 'I have been in discussions with the board in recent weeks and after careful consideration we have agreed that I will leave Celtic when my contract lapses.'

thursday 24th The ticket scramble for Seville begins in earnest after Celtic qualify for the UEFA Cup final thanks to a late winner from Henke. Sauchiehall Street is cordoned off after hundreds of fans pour out of pubs and clubs to celebrate having watched the game on TV.

friday 25th Glasgow City Council announces that should Celtic win the UEFA Cup it will stage a massive street party, complete with open top bus. Embracing this new-found spirit of ecumenicism, the General Secretary of the Rangers Supporters Association commented, 'I don't think that a street celebration for Celtic would necessarily be a good thing... I always think it could attract the wrong sort of people or lead to something else.' Like people having a good time perhaps?

saturday 25th UEFA announce that this year's final will be the first to be decided by the so-called Silver Goal, should the score remain level at the end of normal time.

sunday 27th The Sunday Mason steals a march on its rivals in preparing the ground for the Celtic invasion of Seville: 'The Sunday Mail was the first Scottish newspaper to touch down in the beautiful Spanish city to check out the stadium, the pubs... and the talent.' The reporter is Euan McLean, a putative sleazy hack who would have any 'talent' running a mile.

Elsewhere, the Mason's hotline was fairly humming with confident Huns eager to enhance the paper's pre-match build-up: 'Celtic are bound to be tired and won't be much of a threat after half an hour... This looks like the easiest derby game for a while... I've never been so confident about the outcome of an Old Firm match - I almost feel sorry for Celtic... ' are just some of the comments published. But the gibbering hordes are silenced in the afternoon thanks to goals from Thompson and Hartson. The Huns manage to claw back into it when de Boer scores but it's another relatively easy Old Firm victory for OFM's men. Whatever happened to Eck's tactical genius?

monday 29th According to an article in the Retard (unattributed - the sports staff are probably all still in mourning) Celtic are 'on the trail of £4.5 million rated Monaco midfielder Marcello Gallardo'. In case you've never heard of him the Retard points out in its usual PC way that Gallardo is 'an Argie'.

Irish bookie Paddy Powers has started paying out already to anyone who backed Rangers to win the SPL. Mind you, they've already paid out to anyone who backed Arsenal as well!

wednesday 30th In a magnanimous sporting gesture, Dundee offer to bring forward their game at Parkhead to Wednesday May 14th in order to give Celtic a full week to prepare for the UEFA Cup final in Seville.

MAY saturday 4th The Ticket Office announces that first preference for the precious cup final briefs will be given to fans who have registered with the European away game ticket scheme and who can prove that they have already travelled to an away game in Europe this season. Anyone else hoping for a ticket through the club will be disappointed as this is expected to account for the bulk of the tickets. At East End Park the Hoops destroy Dunfermline to record an easy 4:1 victory and keep the pressure on twitchy Rangers. Joos Valgaeren becomes the latest in a long queue outside the treatment room door when he has to be replaced because of a back injury. sunday 5th Big transfer story in the morning editions is Andrew GrahamÕs ÔexclusiveÕ revelation in the News of the Screws that Bobo Balde has been attracting attention: ÒSerie A giants Roma are lining up Celtic stopper Bobo Balde as a replacement for ageing Brazilian Aldair.Ó In another ÔexclusiveÕ, Steve Goodman has french striker Lilian Laslandes practically begging for a move to Parkhead: ÒLilian Laslandes plans to ring up Martin OÕNeill and plead for a deal with Celtic rather than go back to Sunderland. At Dens Park the title race gets a bit more interesting as the home side throw away two points against Rangers. To be fair to Dundee the plucky cash-strapped Ibrox club did get a bit of help from referee John Rowbotham who awarded the Huns slightly more than their usual quota of penalties; three this week, two of which were missed by Bammy (ItÕs not that they werenÕt penalties - itÕs just that theyÕre the kind of penalties that nobody else gets!). A 2:2 draw and itÕs all to play for now.

SAMUEL PEPYS-SHOW and HACKWATCHER

 

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